[SOPHIA]
Welcome to the Planescape: where good and evil clash, where law and order maintain their delicate balance, the battleground for gods and monsters. Many heroes have written their legends in the stars of the Astral Sea, but these are... not their stories.

The Per Aspera and her crew— Kyana, Finbar, VR-LA, and Dani— may not be the stuff of legends yet, but they're definitely Rolling with Difficulty.

♪(intro music)

[AUSTIN]
Hello, and welcome back to Rolling with Difficulty! This is our second episode of the adventures of the crew of the ship Per Aspera. If you're just joining us for the first time... what the hell are you doing? This is the second episode, go back and listen to the first one. They were numbered for a reason.

If you're returning after listening to the first one, thank you so much for enjoying enough that you wanted to come back. This is the adventures of the crew of the Per Aspera, which are our firbolg ranger druid, Finbar, played by Wally; our mechanite (see: warforged) wizard, VR-LA.

[NOIR]
Hello!

[AUSTIN]
Our primordial-born fire genasi artificer, Dani—

[SOPHIA]
Eyy.

[AUSTIN]
—and the mysterious newcomer to the crew, the way of the astral monk, Kyana.

[RED]
Yee-haw. I mean, hi! Oh god, this is— Ahh! I do this for a living!

[AUSTIN]
It is a space western, in a way.

[NOIR]
Bold character choice.

[SOPHIA]
Mm-hmm.

[RED]
(laughs)

[AUSTIN]
We pick up our story not far from where we left off for the last time. On the last adventure, the party, present in Sigil, had some conversations about their future as a newly formed crew; the intent to see the Planescape, especially for Kyana, who was new to the group; as well as keep on the move, taking jobs here and there. You started by taking a job from a new patron: a private collector who sent you to the Astral Sea to inspect the remains of a dead god found floating there, in hopes of finding a heart.

You made your way to the floating corpse, and after some trials, investigations as to the history, the origin of this creature; and a strange, conjured, more-than-illusion-but-not-real library, you were attacked by the predator lying in wait there: the balhannoth, who gave you guys what for. But once again, the crew of the Per Aspera prevailed. You succeeded in killing the aberration, secured the heart of the dead god, received your payment.

Now you find yourself back on the Astral Sea on your way to drop off actual payment from the job before that, which had been conducted for someone from Dani’s background, from her home in the Plane of Elemental Fire.

We pick up as the party approaches. VR-LA, you’re at the helm, helming the way. This is a frequent trip for you, so the stars, this area, are well-known. The navigation system that you have is almost an afterthought. You know where this colored pool, this portal to the Plane of Elemental Fire, lies; and you are approaching rapidly. VR-LA, if you want to let people know, this would be the time. And Dani, if there's anything you want to share, especially to the newcomer. VR-LA has definitely been there. Finbar has been there, probably once or twice, but this is your home turf you're entering.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah. We just gotta go drop off payment for the last job we did. Well, I guess it's the second-to-last job that we did, technically, 'cause we got fucked up by that space slug in the meantime. You remember how there were those fire newts, and that crazy chick that you knew came? And we were fighting, and they had eggs in a box.

[RED]
Yeah. Yeah, I remember.

[SOPHIA]
It's all familiar to us, right? Yeah. So we got paid for that.

[RED]
As we all know—

[SOPHIA]
As we all know.

[RED]
—the eggs in the box.

[SOPHIA]
Gotta go give the payment to the guy who hired us. Uncle Oto, he owns a junkyard in the City of Brass, so it should be a quick trip.

[RED]
Ooh, exciting!

[NOIR]
He also owns this ship, technically.

[SOPHIA]
That's, eh, tomato tomahto, y'know.

[WALLY]
Do you remember where we put the sunscreen? We're gonna need some sunscreen.

[RED]
What's sunscreen?

[NOIR]
Finbar, you’re the only one who needs sunscreen before Kyana—

[WALLY]
No, the little one needs sunscreen too.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, I guess that's a good point. Yeah. Kyana, are you resistant to fire?

[RED]
I don't think so.

[SOPHIA]
Mm. Yeah, we need some sunscreen.

[NOIR]
I mean to say that the sunscreen was your responsibility, since before Kyana came along, you were the only one who needed it. Where is it, Finbar?

[WALLY]
You know what? It's probably somewhere in the kitchen. I probably got it all mixed up again.

[RED]
But, you know, we haven't tested this yet, I think. Like, a lot of other stuff has happened, but I don't think fire's happened to me yet.

[SOPHIA]
Well, you didn't have a great time with that omelet last time.

[RED]
You're right, that's probably a bad sign. Okay, how hot is this going to be? Like...?

[SOPHIA]
You know if there's a candle in front of you and you stick your hand in it?

[RED]
Uhh...

[SOPHIA]
Like, in the fire?

[RED]
How often do you do that?

[SOPHIA]
You know, for warmth. So, if you do that, that's, like, ten percent about how hot it'll be in the Plane of Fire, because everything is on fire all the time there, so. Y'know.

[RED]
That'll be a nice change of pace.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, I mean, I think it's great. It's cold frickin’ everywhere for me, so this is a relief. But yeah, sometimes people who are not used to it do tend to get a little crispy.

[RED]
Alright, cool! This’ll be interesting.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, it’d be good! We can get some fire slugs.

[RED]
Are those like the omelet? Or…

[SOPHIA]
Mm…

[AUSTIN]
You guys, as you have this conversation: first of all, Finbar, in the kitchen? Yes, it appears your swarm, your pixies, have hidden the sunscreen. Pretty appropriate for them. It's pretty typical for everyone except for Dani, probably gonna need special goggles when you get there. The whole plane is very bright, but the City of Brass especially. So it's typical for people who are not born there to wear— there's probably a name for it, but it's the goggles with the little slits in them.

 
[RED]
Oh.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, like Eraser Head.

[AUSTIN]
Basically those, to keep the brightness from blinding you.

[NOIR]
The eclipse glasses!

[SOPHIA]
Like the sunglasses that everyone was wearing to parties in 2009, you know?

[AUSTIN]
Nope! That's not what I mean.

[NOIR]
It’s the Day of Black Sun eclipse goggles.

[RED]
Yeah, like for snow blindness and stuff like that.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, thank you Red!

[RED]
No problem.

[SOPHIA]
I'm just picturing the glasses that everyone was wearing to parties in 2008.

[RED]
I'm sure that's what you're gonna be wearing! (laughs)

[SOPHIA]
You know, they were like in neon, plastic colors, and then they just had a bunch of slits in them. We all are familiar.

[AUSTIN]
No no no—

[RED]
We know what you're talking about.

[AUSTIN]
(laughs) My disagreement was not because I didn't understand what you were referring to.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
You guys approach the colored pool spread out before you: dark, embery red, surrounding where the endless water from the Sea of Stars spills over the edge, downwards into nothing. The ship crests down. For a moment the sense of falling, and then (whooshing) you rise from darkness into blinding light. All around, the ship has an atmospheric barrier around it; when you're going to the more treacherous places, it provides a sort of protection for those aboard the ship. Dripping from that invisible barrier, now clearly seen, molten rock slides down as you emerge from a pool of lava.

The ship rises into the air, flying over the black and charred banks along this… ocean? Huge lake? It goes to the horizon, however large it must be. Just a pool of molten rock. Surrounding it, a forest of blackened trees with leaves that are all dancing and appear to be constantly lit with embers. You rise up and catch your first glimpse of your destination: nestled in a sky of roaring flame, as if the very sun had been pulled down, almost to the surface of the plane, a floating rock ringed with a wall of brilliantly shining, beaten, and polished metal.

You arrive at the grandiose and appropriately-named City of Brass. There is a sky port section of the city as you crest up into the sky and at your first glimpse of the actual layout, level with the city instead of from below. There's an opening in the wall for ships, and there are some ships, not nearly as many as Sigil, but some ships flying in and out. In fact, the harbor that floats, itself, is also lava. And there's a thin trickle waterfall that seems to always be falling down off of this rock.

 
You guys move through the gate, touching down with a sizzle into the fiery harbor, making your way toward the dock. Here you get a glimpse of the city proper: tall spires and palaces, as if the entire city is just for royalty. Palaces everywhere stretch: black basalt and other igneous rocks form the main structures, but nearly every design element here is brass. It is brilliantly blinding, reflecting the dancing lights in the sky back at your eyes. Now is an appropriate time for the crew to lower their glasses so as to not be blinded.

VR-LA, you know the way, as well as Dani, and you make your way towards one particular dock at the edge of a shipyard, scrapyard of some kind. These words, perhaps alien to the denizens who work here, but the description would be appropriate. Some ships dry docked, suspended above the lava; all over the place, bits of different wood and machinery, and ship parts and stuff, strewn about. Not far behind it all, just an enormous mound of crap, things discarded and left behind. Welcome to what Dani might think of as home, but what most other people simply refer to as the Heap.

You guys dock, the ship settles and parks, the gangplank lowers, and you are able to disembark.

[SOPHIA]
I’m making sure the ship is all tied up correctly. But then, y’know, head down the gangplank and try and find our patron, as it were.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. Plug immediately runs with you and then runs off to go chasing stuff. Would you consider Plank a boy, a girl? How would you refer—what pronoun would you use for—

[SOPHIA]
Plug? Plug, sorry. Plug.

[RED]
Plank! (laughs) Plug's evil twin.

[SOPHIA]
Plank is Plug's secret evil twin.

[AUSTIN]
Ed, Edd n Eddy on the brain.

[SOPHIA]
Uhh, Plug? Probably a boy. He's a robot cat, so.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. You see him run off. There's what looks like a fire giant who has charcoal-covered, with a shock of bright red, hair. Seems to be carrying some huge piece of rudimentary machinery, steam engine–style. It's huge, even for this giant. Plug runs in and out, you hear him shout down, “Hey, what's the vermin?” and kick at Plug. And then Plug runs off into the Heap to go chase mice, presumably.

[SOPHIA]
Ehh, he's fine.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, you know where to find Oto; so if that's your goal, you can head off to his office, so to speak.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, we gotta pay him back for the job he sent us on. So I suppose if no one's got anything else to do in the meantime, that sounds like the to-do list item. Go check that off.

[RED]
You might need to pull me in the right direction. I don't think I can see very well under any circumstances in this place, goggles or no goggles.

[NOIR]
I'll stay behind Kyana, I'll in the back of the group to help guide Kyana in the right direction.

[RED]
Cool.

[AUSTIN]
You, every now and again, like, "No no, this way". Dani, you lead the charge towards the office. You see, especially for Kyana, who's looking all around this: there are a few fire giants here, but the majority of the people here seem to be fire genasi, which is of course what Dani is; as well as the azer, which are the fire dwarves. Just like normal dwarves, except instead of hair and beards, they have a mane of fire.

[RED]
Oh, that's so cool!

[AUSTIN]
There's a lot of them. They're very stout. You see there's seven or eight of them standing in a circle around a piece of Vantablack metal.

(oohing)

[AUSTIN]
In fact, it's near white-hot right now, so maybe near the edges you can see it's really dark, but most of it is currently white-hot. They have a furnace nearby, and they are in a round, beating it with hammers, so that there's never a moment it's not being beaten. Instead of each of them having to rear back, they can perfectly, like clockwork, (hammers rhythmically clanging on metal).

[RED]
Whoa!

[AUSTIN]
By the time it gets back to the first, they've wound up again. They're currently beating this into some shape. There's a couple of the fire salamanders, who you've now seen; but that’s the majority of the people working here.

You make your way to the main building, which is, by most accounts, fairly grandiose; but in comparison to the rest of the city, very ramshackle, no less brilliant and gleaming. You open the door, and see the disorganized array of Oto's workshop, and Oto himself.

Oto, an older fire genasi, wearing a very nice red jacket, almost trying to, literally and figuratively, cover up the messy coveralls that are underneath. “I'm a businessman” sort of look, covering up the true mechanics underneath. Goggles, pushed up his head, holding back long, black dreads that, as he turns his head you can see underneath, is magma that's always gently running down, casting a faint glow from the back of his neck.

He turns and says, "Ahh, Dani! How fares my ship?"

[SOPHIA]
“Pretty good! We got your pay job from the last one!” And I'll toss the bag of... gold I guess? Scooped up from the ground after the fire newts wiped the floor with us.

[AUSTIN]
Yep! It was gold. He catches it with one hand. "Fantastic. Another job well done. I expect nothing less from my skilled crew." You see he turns and hands it to an azer standing next to him. "Zaxxx, if you could please count." Zaxxx, the fire dwarf, looks up at him and goes (grumbles) and walks over to the table, pours out the gold, and starts piling it up to count. He looks back over you, and his eyes land on Kyana. "And who might this new, charming addition to the motley crew be?"

[RED]
Hi! I'm Kyana, your crew rescued me from the middle of the Astral Sea, and I've just been kinda helping out since then.

[AUSTIN]
"Good, good! Glad to hear ‘helping out’. Would hate to think of my crew taking on a charity case. That would be..."

[RED]
(laughs nervously) (whispers) What does that mean?

[SOPHIA]
(whispers) Don't worry about it
[AUSTIN]
"We'd have to discuss some extra form of payment, I'm sure. But."

[RED]
(whispers) Oh right, money.

[AUSTIN]
"Additional labor aboard the ship is always welcome, so. Welcome aboard."

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, Kyana punches things real good.

[RED]
Aww, thank you!

[SOPHIA]
The muscle. Well, Finbar's also the muscle. It's like more muscle? We're muscling it out, y'know?

[WALLY]
You see me, I have everybody's backpacks—

(laughter)

[WALLY]
—I'm sweating my ass off, just trying to make sure everybody gets in, like, "Okay, we made it". I'm in the corner, just taking a rest. "I'm okay."

[AUSTIN]
This shop is so cramped, Finbar, there's no way you're comfortable. There's shelves and all sorts of stuff anywhere. Dani—

[WALLY]
And I can't eat any of it!

[AUSTIN]
—you can't eat anything. You're trying to describe why Kyana's so useful, and Oto's completely moved past you.

[AUSTIN]
He reaches out an uncomfortably warm hand to shake.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
"And you say stranded in the Astral Sea. Where do you hail from, originally?"

[RED]
I hear it's called the Prime Material Plane, I think?

[SOPHIA]
Oh, yeah, she's a Mundy.

[RED]
Yeah, yeah. That doesn't sound polite, but—

[AUSTIN]
"You bring a Prime onto the ship, fascinating! So, you're new to all of this excitement, then?"

[RED]
Yeah! It's really, really shiny over here.

[AUSTIN]
"Yes, well, you know, if you're ever interested, pull up a chair, I could tell you some stories. Some of them would even be true."

[RED]
Ooh! Oh. Huh. Okay!

[AUSTIN]
About this point, Zaxxx has finished counting the gold. They raise their head up and give a thumbs up and a (satisfactory grunt). Oto nods. He goes, "It seems that payment has been made in full. So your fee then, payment for a job well completed." Goes, reaches, and hands each of you a crisp 30 gold pieces, except for Kyana. "Sorry, but you're not on the contract. You understand.”

[RED]
Oh, of course! Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
“But if you're interested, then next job we could put you down for a percentage. Beginner rates, of course."

[SOPHIA]
You got another job for us?

[RED]
Sure!

[AUSTIN]
"Gotta start somewhere. I do have another job, actually. Been waiting for it specifically for you, since you're so skilled and capable. I needed my best crew on this one, actually. Come with me, it requires some explanation."

[NOIR]
How much is he buttering us up on this?

[SOPHIA]
Can I insight check? I'd like to roll an insight check.

[AUSTIN]
Roll insight checks! Roll insight checks.

[SOPHIA]
That sounds like he's buttering us up.

[NOIR]
Got a bit of brown on that nose there, Oto.

[SOPHIA]
Well, Dani is into it, because she rolled a hearty, hearty four on that insight check.

[RED]
Oh hold on, insight! Insight is one of the only skills I'm good at!

[NOIR]
I rolled a natural one. (laughs)

[RED]
I've gotta try this, hold on, hold on. Insight? (dice clatters)

[SOPHIA]
Dani and VR-LA are *very* trusting.

[AUSTIN]
VR-LA rolled a natural one?

[NOIR]
Yes.

[RED]
I rolled a natural ten, which means only I got a 17!

[WALLY]
Nice.

[AUSTIN]
That's pretty good. Fin?

[RED]
I'm good at, like, two things. (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
How'd you do, Fin?

[WALLY]
15.

[AUSTIN]
15? 17 is just enough. Very funny that you, of all people, would be the first to sniff it out. Yeah, you sense just a hint of— he's definitely trying to suck up to you guys a little bit. And perhaps this is the reason you would catch onto it. Everyone else is kinda caught off guard, because he never does that. He tries to always maintain power, so perhaps the sucking up caught them off guard and buttered them up. But you immediately see through it, being from the monastery, not being really used to that sort of thing. You're like, "I've seen this before," when the monks were like, "Oh, here's a great and awesome job for you," and then they stuck you with something that was dangerous or you hated. You're like, "Wait a second, I've seen this before."

[RED]
Oh no, this is gonna be a *great honor*!

[AUSTIN]
Yes! (laughs)

[RED]
Awesome.

[AUSTIN]
He opens the door as you walk out. Zaxxx, Dani, as you pass by, gives you a little shoulder, which— they're a dwarf, so a shoulder is like a hip-check to you, and just gives a little nod and goes (teasing grumble)

[SOPHIA]
I'll give him a little shoulder pat and thumbs up, and a "Hmm." back.

[AUSTIN]
They go back to doing what they're doing, and you guys emerge back under the brilliant firelit sky. Oto begins talking again immediately, a fan of the sound of his own voice. "I entered into a contract with a genie lord of the city, interested in acquiring some... unusual transportation. Luckily for him, I have contracts and friends in low places, literally and figuratively speaking, of course. So, I contacted an old business associate of mine from Baator." He turns to Kyana to explain, a little condescendingly: "Baator is the Nine Hells, some might know it as."

[RED]
Ooh! Sounds festive!

[AUSTIN]
(chuckles) “They do love a good party down there.”

[WALLY]
Not the fun kind.

[AUSTIN]
“In any case, contract's drawn up. You know, they're very good to do business with, beings of utter law and all that, and they delivered." And you round a corner and you see, for all of you, an alien sight. They have wheels, so they must be like carts; but each one only has two wheels, and sort of a metal body connecting them. There’s a padded seat on the top; you can sit on it, but you guess you throw one leg over like a horse, sort of? And it's got these handles, so I guess you can steer it that way?

[NOIR]
Are you describing *motorcycles*?

[AUSTIN]
Alien to all of you, but in description, matches that of a motorcycle. You see about a dozen of them.

[RED]
That's extremely cool. I thought Segway, but that makes way more sense.

[SOPHIA]
I thought chariot, so I'm glad that only Noir was on it. (laughs)

[RED]
(laughs)

[NOIR]
Well, my internal logic was like, "chariot", and then "Vespa", then I was like, "no, no, no, it's not a Vespa".

[SOPHIA]
High fantasy Vespa: get yours today!

[RED]
A hidden memory.

[AUSTIN]
You see there's a couple fire genasi going over them, doing a little tinkering and inventory. "Devil's Rides, they're called, at least down there, I think. Not good branding, really. 'Devil's Rides'? That's very literal. But it seems to work for them. They're utilitarian, used on the warfront of the Great Blood War, of course. These things are hard to come by and, well, if you're looking to get into any sort of scrape or combat, then quite useful. Unfortunately, devils, tricky things. I should have appraised the contract a little more closely. It appears that fuel was not included in the deal we signed, and unfortunately my contact now insists upon raking me over the coals, so to speak, for fuel that should rightfully be mine under the spirit of our contract. So this where I was hoping that you could, of course for payment, utilize my ship to square this away for me."

[WALLY]
So what's the fuel for these things? Vegetable oil? I got plenty of that back on the ship.

[AUSTIN]
"Nothing so pedestrian, of course. There are special coins minted only in the Nine Hells, I believe in the city of Dis. That's neither here nor there; you certainly don't want to try and make it into that place. But! They're used all over Hell, and with just a quick trip to the layer of Avernus, you should be able to scrounge some up. I paid a yugoloth to divulge some trade secrets; they have their ways in and their ways out, they're always looking for an extra coin."
You see he withdraws a disc, which is the exact same kind you guys use to put into your navigation, and it can point you when you're in the Sea of Stars. He says, "Travelling Avernus is difficult, to say the least. It can be inhospitable to those not nearly as talented as yourselves, I'm sure. But he assures me that the location here of the colored pool will lead you close to the warfront.

Of course, be careful if you approach there. Devils and demons, conflict of eons and millennia, blah blah blah. Best not to get caught up in it. More importantly, the warfront has lots of goods going in and out. I'm told there is a special type of infernal war machine that brings supplies from Dis all the way to the warfront in Avernus. You'll know it by its many linked cars running along tracks of steel, I'm told."

[SOPHIA]
(whispers giddily) Are we doing a *train heist*? (laughs)

[RED]
A train heist in *Hell*? (laughs)

[WALLY]
Okay, so lemme get this straight: we're going after fuel for these two-wheeled death machines. In Hell.

[AUSTIN]
"Indeed. Yes."

[NOIR]
By raiding a four-wheeled death machine from Hell?

[AUSTIN]
"I'm told it has more than four wheels, but—"

[NOIR]
*Five* wheels??

[AUSTIN]
“—seeing as the contract was not kept in spirit, I see no reason that we should play by their rules. So simply appraise the situation, take what you can from aboard, and we'll call the whole thing square with this fiend who cheated me out of my..."

[WALLY]
There's gotta be a nice, shiny reward for this though, come on.

[RED]
Sorry, just checking: we're stealing them from the thing, right?

[AUSTIN]
"Yes, but they're devils. Do you have a problem with stealing from devils?"

[RED]
I don't know. Are they mean?

[WALLY]
Yeah, no, they're as mean as they get.

[RED]
Okay. Then this should be fine! I just wanted to make sure. The last couple times we’ve been picking stuff up from people who wanted to give it to us. It's all good.

[AUSTIN]
"Oh, they certainly will not."

[SOPHIA]
You hear from across the courtyard, where Dani is over by the bikes, because the minute that there was something constructed or hopped up, she hustled over there and has not heard any of this: "I got a question!"

[AUSTIN]
"Yes, Dani."

[SOPHIA]
Can you pay me in one of these bikes?

[AUSTIN]
(laughs dryly) "These bikes are promised. I can offer you, though, a handsome reward of 50 gold pieces each, upon the return of at least a hundred of these so-called coins to my possession."

[SOPHIA]
What about the blueprints to make one of the bikes?

[AUSTIN]
"I apologize, but I don't have any blueprints. I can't make them myself, otherwise I wouldn't be up shit's creek without a paddle, so to speak."

[SOPHIA]
We could take one apart, and then we write down how we did it, and then we put it back together again. No one will ever know. Then I'll know how to build it.

[AUSTIN]
"Still, the issue of the fuel, and my buyer, who's waiting. But if you want to procure your own, or outbid the buyer for one of these Devil's Rides, then I’m sure we could do some sort of business."

[SOPHIA]
I dunno guys, I think we should take the job.

[RED]
(chuckles) Was that a question?

[AUSTIN]
"Oh, certainly not. It's my ship, and if you didn't take the job I would simply hire a crew who would."

[RED]
Ohh.

[NOIR]
We'll go to Hell!

[WALLY]
Yeah. This… (sighs)

[RED]
It sounds exciting!

[WALLY]
It sounds stressful.

[RED]
You alright, Finbar? Oh, okay.

[WALLY]
Yeah, okay. I gotta make sure y'all get there all in one piece, and y'all leave in one piece, and Dani's gonna freak out about these bikes.

[SOPHIA]
They're so cool!

[WALLY]
If we can get you one of these bikes, we'll try. But no guarantees, alright?

[SOPHIA]
I just want an opportunity to poke around and what, y'know? See how they work! You don't get a lot of opportunities to examine the engineering of Hell, y'know? They're very closed about that kind of shit. And this—

[AUSTIN]
"Closely guarded trade secrets, it's true."

[SOPHIA]
This is an open secret right here. (cackles giddily)

[RED]
They'll probably still be here when we get back.

[AUSTIN]
"That's why I hired her, keep her on."

[WALLY]
Alright. Looks like we're gonna be causing just a little bit of trouble in Hell. Okay. I got some preparations to do.

[NOIR]
Austin, what the fuck are you having us do, man?

[SOPHIA]
We're going on a *train heist*!

[NOIR]
We're just sixth level, and you're having us go to *Avernus*?

[RED]
It's tradition to do train heists in episode two!

[SOPHIA]
Episode two train heist! Oh my god, yes. (whispers) Oh, I’m so excited. I'm sorry, I interrupted.

[AUSTIN]
"Well, it seems that you're eager to undertake the job, so I assume you agree to the payment of 50 gold pieces each. I'll have Zaxxx draw up a contract, and you can be on your way within the hour."

[RED]
I'm gonna lean over to Dani and be like, "Is this... easier or harder than the dead god thing, do you think?"

[SOPHIA]
"I dunno." Dani is like, you know how mechanics are laying under the car to fix it? Dani is fully laying under a bike as you’re trying to talk to her.

[WALLY]
You see Finbar walking towards the stuff again, walks behind Dani and Kyana, says, "It's gonna be harder. It's gonna be much harder."

[RED]
Okay. So then should we get paid more than we did for the thing? Is that how that works?

[NOIR]
I don't know if it would be beneficial to even let Oto know that we took on another job before technically finishing the first job he asked us to do.

[RED]
Oh is that... is that not cool?

[SOPHIA]
Ehh, it's a bit of a wibbly area, y'know? It's sort of... things better left unsaid.

[WALLY]
We got the job done.

[SOPHIA]
We did get the job done, so technically we didn't do anything *wrong*.

[WALLY]
That's all that matters.

[RED]
Alright, okay. I don't mind, it's just, y’know, money seems kinda... complicated. But you guys would know better than me.

[SOPHIA]
They're not melting the coin down in the engine, it's functioning... how do they make that fuel work...?

[RED]
We're gonna get in trouble if she takes these apart, right?

[NOIR]
Yes.

[RED]
Okay. Dani, we should probably get out from under the bike.

[SOPHIA]
No, it's fine, it's fine. Like, five more minutes.

[WALLY]
Yeah, good luck with that.

[AUSTIN]
Plug comes running out of the mounds of crap, hops onto your belly, Dani, as you're lying on your back.

[NOIR]
I will drag Dani by the foot, out from the bike and lead her toward the Per Aspera.

[SOPHIA]
No!

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
The fire genasi that's been working there just walks up, looks at you quickly, VR-LA, and goes, "Thank you," and goes back to appraising them and making sure everything is tight and stuff like that.

[SOPHIA]
Check the fuel gauge!

[NOIR]
You are welcome!

[SOPHIA]
"It looks like the back axle was a little loose, you might want to tighten it!" And Dani's getting dragged off. Still laying down, letting VR-LA drag her away.

[AUSTIN]
"Noted, Dani. Got it," the guy says as you all start to go away. Cool! Is there anything else you wanna do? Any preparations, I guess, you would like to make before you get underway, back to the Sea of Stars?

[RED]
I'm good, I think. I was just making sure I still had a health potion in my inventory.

[WALLY]
Yeah. I’m double-checking something…

[RED]
Alright, so mission one: get a bunch of coins. Mission two: steal Dani a motorcycle.

[NOIR]
Optional tasks, full synchronization.

[SOPHIA]
Yes, primary objective. You can unlock a secret level if we steal a motorcycle.

[NOIR]
Yeah.

[WALLY]
We're gonna need a little extra healing; devils play a lot of nasty tricks, and we're gonna need a way to...

[SOPHIA]
Bring someone up.

[WALLY]
In case we run into them. We might manage to slip outta that.

[NOIR]
I don't mind getting more health potions, considering that... I've used up all of mine.

[WALLY]
I think we're gonna need more than health potions.

[SOPHIA]
I have two potions of healing, currently.

[RED]
Okay. Well, definitely more health potions.

[AUSTIN]
You will get to sleep. You probably wouldn't know this until you put it into the computer, but it's more than a "day". That's air quotes because time does not really exist on the Astral Sea. To you guys it'd feel like 24 hours of travel to reach the colored pool that you have the map to.

[WALLY]
How difficult would it be to get a spell scroll of Lesser Restoration?

[AUSTIN]
It's definitely gonna be possible, let me just do a quick look-up to figure something out. Is there anything else people wanna do?

[RED]
If there's a place to get more health potions, I mean I will absolutely buy more health potions.

[WALLY]
The more the merrier, sure.

[RED]
Yeah, definitely.

[AUSTIN]
Yes, certainly also possible. So to be clear, you're signing the contract as is?

[RED]
I wouldn't know to negotiate for more than 50 gold to go into Hell, but one of these guys might.

[SOPHIA]
Just, 50 gold sounds great, but give me, like, 30 minutes with one of the bikes, if we come back from Hell with the fuel.

[WALLY]
She's not going to— this is basically non-negotiable.

[SOPHIA]
We don't even have to drive it. 30 minutes.

[AUSTIN]
He rubs his temples. He says, "If it becomes unsellable, the price is coming out from you."

[SOPHIA]
Great. (cackles)

[AUSTIN]
"I'm glad you're so on board with such an obvious thing I just said. This is why I like you! Ahh, good ol' Dani." Cool! So you guys are currently in the district known as Iskalat, which is the docks. There's lots of inns and taverns here, it's the place where you're gonna find the most people from other planes. You guys are probably looking to go to...

[RED]
I am excited to see more of this beautiful city.

[SOPHIA]
I was just gonna say, there's some great local cuisine. I like fire slugs a lot. There are people selling them at the side of the road and stuff. There's curries of various kinds and like...

[WALLY]
All the food here is hot. All— *all* the food here is hot.

[RED]
Okay. Okay, on a scale of one to omelet, how bad?

[SOPHIA]
There's a really great pepper smoothie that's great in the morning, it really wakes you right up.

[WALLY]
Omelet is standard here?

[RED]
Ooh, that's not good.

[SOPHIA]
Actually we could get omelets again, there's a great diner down the road.

[NOIR]
You added the hot sauce to the omelet— I almost said almond.

[RED]
I think I'm good.

[NOIR]
You added the hot sauce to the omelet, so... you should… yes.

[RED]
No yeah. I mean, it was a learning experience.

[NOIR]
The omelet itself was not spicy.

 
[RED]
I learned that I probably shouldn't have done that. (laughs) Okay, on a scale of one to “omelet with hot sauce”... I should be more specific.

[AUSTIN]
So here are your options: the two closest by and best places that you would probably wanna go to obtain health potions, possibly a spell scroll, and of course the much-discussed fire slugs, is the Rookery or the district known as Pyraculum.

So the Rookery is "hive of scum and villainy", Mos Eisley–style. Gambling, pit fights, very few guard there. There's a sultan who rules over the city, and the fire genies, the efreeti, are his guards; they don't really set foot there. But it's the place you would get the best prices for things, if you can brave it.

Pyraculum is the city market and craftsman district. It's gonna be your standard market; that's gonna be a lot safer and a lot better chance of finding things, but you're gonna pay more reasonable prices there.

[WALLY]
Yeah, no, we ain't getting into fights while we're here.

[AUSTIN]
(snickers) Alright, so Pyraculum it is. You guys travel up. The city is an oval, and you guys are down at the narrow end, so you kind of have to travel up, which brings you into nicer parts of the city. You're getting closer and closer to the Furnace. There's a wall that surrounds the whole city; there's another wall inside that surrounds the sultan's palace, called the Furnace. You can see just glimpses of it: it is ostentatious out the wazoo, the little bits of spire you can see as you walk towards Pyraculum. Spires made of gold, dotted with diamonds and rubies. Brilliantly dazzling, a thief's dream.

[WALLY]
Kinda fancy.

[RED]
That's real shiny.

 
[AUSTIN]
And it is all built for one being. But that is not your destination. You guys make it to Pyraculum, which is exactly what it sounds like. You moved out of the multicultural area; basically everyone here is an efreeti, which, here in the City of Brass, the efreeti are more— that's a lot of the population here. But in the whole Plane of Fire, they're sort of counted as royalty, in a way. So imagine you're standing in a section of the city that's all lords. It's sort of this tough thing, where the entire Plane of Fire is enormous. So there's a lot of these "pseudo- royalty", using air quotes. But they all come here, into the City of Brass, because it's the place to be. So there's a huge, high number of them, concentrated right here. But most of the vendors are fire genasis, again there's the fire salamanders, and there's fire giants. Fire giants are remarkable craftsmen, so there's a lot of blacksmith shops here that are selling all kinds of arms and armaments and stuff like that. It's also the home of the Edible Bazaar; if you're looking for fire slugs, exactly where you wanna be.

[SOPHIA]
I got us, guys.

[AUSTIN]
Dani describes it correct, there are street vendors who sell them. They look like slugs, they're probably about a foot long, and they come on long metal skewers. But they have scales along their back, so the underneath is where— they sort of come in their own bowl, so to speak. They're not snails, they don't have a big shell; but they do have armor on their back that is iron scales. They come skewered on a stick, but you can eat out of the shell, lobster-style. So if anyone wants to try those can, of course, partake.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, I'll buy a couple and give them out. (laughs) I'll go get two. "Kyana, try some!"

[WALLY]
It's not my favorite... I'll pass.

[AUSTIN]
This is a rich city, so things are expensive here. Go ahead and get rid of two gold pieces to buy stuff for everyone.

[WALLY]
Would my guild have any chefs here that could possibly give us a discount on such a...?

[AUSTIN]
There's definitely chefs here, the question is would you know them? So go ahead and roll me— I need, like, a socialization check, like "have you met someone”.

[RED]
In D&D? Ridiculous.

[SOPHIA]
Straight charisma.

[AUSTIN]
So go ahead and roll me... a charisma check, but go ahead and add your proficiency; because this is your guild, so it would be someone you'd interact with.

[WALLY]
Okay, not bad. 15?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah! Oh, totally.

[WALLY]
You see me, I fish out a little pin, little emblem; I go up to some of the vendors, like, "Y'all know a chef that carries one of these?"

[AUSTIN]
Yeah! They point you to a place, it's an unnamed stall. A lot of things here, 'cause this is, y'know, pseudo-medieval times, a lot of things here don't have names. But they call it the Roast Bird, because there's a huge picture of a phoenix over the top of it. It's not a stall, it's a building, but you can't go inside. What's the word, it's like a counter service place? And you're looking for a person called Roast; unclear if that's their real name or if that's just what everyone calls them. But yeah, you approach. There is a female fire genasi, flaming hair pulled back. You approach the counter, she goes, "Hey, what can I get you folks?"

 
[SOPHIA]
Two fire slugs, please.

[WALLY]
"Howdy, ma'am. I see—" and I flash my pin. "Are you a member of the Searing Tongue?"

[AUSTIN]
"Ahh, a member of the guild! Welcome to our little corner of the Planescape. First time in town, you visiting? Coming back? You a regular? What's up?"

[WALLY]
I mean, I don't normally come all the way out here, but we're just picking up a job down by the scrapyards, and they wanted some of the local food. Dani's all about it, and I don't personally like the slugs but—

[AUSTIN]
"Watch out, people here... business can be tough. Yeah! Always happy to see a member of the guild. Fire slugs? One for... there's one, two, three, four of you?"

[WALLY]
I'll pass, though.

[AUSTIN]
"Oh, you'll pass. Just three?"

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, you better just give us two of them, 'cause these three are... slug-avoidant.

[AUSTIN]
"Gotcha. Alright, guild discount, we'll call it...”

[RED]
I'll try one!

 
[AUSTIN]
“…three silver for the whole thing." She goes, "Fire slugs, people tend to over season. That's the problem with them, is they come with enough spice as it is. So a lot of people here, they're gonna tell you that they have the best recipe; but the best recipe is really, it's just about how long you cook 'em for. You gotta roast them for at least 36 hours. They're flame-resistant, so if you wanna get the tenderness all the way through, that's the trick."

[WALLY]
"Y'all writing that down?" As you see some of the pixies come out with a notepad, scribbling.

[AUSTIN]
"Aww, lookit, you got little friends coming outta your coat, that's so fun! Aww."

[WALLY]
They're the only reason I got through the academy.

[AUSTIN]
"I gotta get out more, y'know? We don't see enough fantastical stuff in this city. It's just the regular ho hum, regular day-to-day stuff. I gotta get out and see the sights."

[RED]
*Fully* speechless over here. (laughs)

[SOPHIA]
Where is Plug right now?

[AUSTIN]
Plug is following you. Plug is a well-trained not-cat. Plug is with you, but happily sits down and is waiting for you to tear off a piece of your fire slug.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, I'll sit on the ground next to him and hold the fire slug low enough so that Plug can eat out of the slug too.

 
[AUSTIN]
Disgusting, I love it. Yeah, you spend a little time enjoying. So Dani, you're used to it; who else gets a fire slug?

[RED]
I'm trying a slug, but I might not eat the whole thing.

[AUSTIN]
No need to roll a CON save here: it is hot, it is spicy. Not much for me to say about it: escargot combined with ghost pepper. You get what you paid for. But it's got a good flavor, and it is very tender, which you wouldn't really expect from slug, probably.

[RED]
A slug. No, no I would not.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, it seems that she does have— she's onto something with her trick, I should say. You guys partake of the meal.

[WALLY]
Before we leave can I say, "Y'know, if you ever need something. I'm sure you can get your ingredients; I'm out on a spelljammer ship right now. Y'know?" Next time I'm back in, I can pick up something for you.

[AUSTIN]
"Is that so? No shit, very cool! I get most of my ingredients delivered. Y'know, I got my vendors. But if you pick up anything new and interesting, I'm always happy to experiment with new ingredients, so."

[WALLY]
Nice meeting another member of the guild.

[AUSTIN]
"You take care now." She goes on to help some more customers. There's a huge line that's formed now, she's been talking to you guys for some time.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
Like, 15 or 20 people just waiting.

[SOPHIA]
Dani's just like, someone starts to argue with her in line, she's like, "Ahh, bugger off!" (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, you guys turn and you hear her shout to someone like, "Keep your pants on!" To avoid stretching this out into an entire session, healing potions: this is a city of wealth, and things do not come cheap. So your 50 gold healing potions are gonna run you 80 gold. I would say there's enough for each of you guys to get two, if you want to spend, that would be, 160 gold.

Seeking the spell scroll is trickier, you have to go to a curator. You can't just buy Flametongue swords anywhere, it's not easy to get more powerful magic items. But specifically potions and spell scrolls of 1st to 2nd level, which this does fall in, are available, and so you don't need to be a member of one of these private clubs to try and obtain them.

You find basically a wizarding shop run by a fire giant, who explains that, having a deal with the nearby church, they're able to procure some spell scrolls of the divine nature. You can purchase a Scroll of Lesser Restoration; with the expense of this city, it's gonna be about a thousand gold.

[WALLY]
It's gonna be the difference between life and death, and that's a majority of my money; I shell it out.

[SOPHIA]
You guys have a thousand gold?

[RED]
We *got* a thousand gold from the guy with the diamonds!

[SOPHIA]
Man, I really don't pay any attention.

[RED]
What did you spend it on?

 
[SOPHIA]
Ehh, as long as it goes into the ship eventually, I don't really care what we do with money.

[RED]
Huh.

[WALLY]
Yeah, purchased. I currently have 40 gold left.

[NOIR]
We are not great role models for Kyana to understand money.

[AUSTIN]
You guys complete your purchases, make your way back. The ship has been polished up some, in your absence. It is Oto's ship, he likes to keep it in tip-top shape so he had some crews come in and they polish up the fittings and things like that, quick scrub along the decks.

[SOPHIA]
I'll do a once over, make sure they didn't touch anything important on the in— like, as long as they just polished it up so it looks nice, I don't want them messing with the mechanics, y'know? The ins and outs of how this ship works.

[AUSTIN]
Oto has had people do that in the past, and it hasn't worked out. So they have not messed with anything since then.

[SOPHIA]
Dani just booby-traps it.

[AUSTIN]
He's learned, more or less, to kinda let you do your thing. Oto stands there to see you off. "Best of luck! Please, *please* be careful, and return safely with the goods, please."

[WALLY]
Okay.

[SOPHIA]
Keep one of those bikes on the ready!

[AUSTIN]
"The more you ask, the less I'd like to do it."

[SOPHIA]
It's in the contract!

[RED]
We'll get you one when we go to Hell, it'll be fine.

[WALLY]
You say that...

[AUSTIN]
"Good luck in Hell, I wish you the best."

[WALLY]
I ain't been to Hell.

[SOPHIA]
Bye, Oto.

[WALLY]
Never heard a good thing about it.

[NOIR]
See you in Hell!

[RED]
People keep talking about Hell like it means something. I feel like I'm getting into something. I'm getting *slightly* bad feelings about this.

[AUSTIN]
Whoever sits in the helm, unmoor, drift off, and then you are able to utilize the unique function of the Per Aspera and Plane Shift back to the Astral Sea.

Bright, blinding light immediately fades to dark night sky. Lit only by the stars, mirrored surface reflecting their light. Dani, you are immediately blinded because it's so dark. Everyone else, you realize you've been squinting for hours, and your face hurts as you relax those muscles, you're like "Oh god, have I been doing that the whole time? That was so uncomfortable." Not VR-LA, because you have no muscles.

But who would like to helm this voyage? Sitting at the helm, I have a couple clarifications about piloting the ship. The first thing is that piloting the ship, when you do so, it costs no action to move it. It's an action to anchor it or unanchor it, you can lock it in place. More or less, you just sit in it, and then you use your movement to move it. But doing so requires concentration, as if you're concentrating on a spell. So to do it for more than eight hours results in a level of exhaustion.

Also I have a clarification: I think I said that monks could only make it go ten feet a round, but Kyana was special. Kyana *is* special, but monks actually count as half-casters because of their ki. A regular monk would be able to power the ship as fast as Dani; Kyana, you're able to do it as fast as the wizard, which is again, unique.

[NOIR]
VR-LA would like to offer Kyana to pilot the ship again. Out of courtesy and kindness, of course, but VR-LA is also curious as to what the fuck is going on here.

[RED]
(laughs) Well, I will completely, uncritically take this at face value as just a nice thing to do and absolutely take you up on that for the first eight hours.

[AUSTIN]
Fantastic. (laughs) You wanna roll an arcana check or something?

[NOIR]
Yeah, while Kyana is piloting the ship, VR-LA would like to spend some of his time away from the helm to also maybe go into his room and research what the fuck is going on.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. You are a sage, so this is actually a great time to talk a little about your room. You were found with the ship, so you have a room; it is very similar to how you left it, but I don't think it's been described before to the others. So VR-LA, if you want to describe the way you think your room looks?

[NOIR]
Yeah. So, in one of the lower decks of the Per Aspera, there's this room that's kinda been cordoned off. Not cordoned off, it's just any other room, like any other regular quarters; except the entire space is filled with racks and rows and rows of these glass, spherical orbs that kinda shift and clink as the Per Aspera moves along. Each of those orbs is etched with various runes and symbols that currently lay dormant. There were labels that have since, y'know, either fallen off or been lost over time; where they used to be sort of well-organized and kept, are just kinda all over the place. Some of them lie in boxes, others roll around loosely in racks. Many of them not even put in their original spot.

VR-LA goes, and essentially his process of research essentially involves him opening up a plate on his chest, in which it reveals, along with his mechanical internals, is a slot that is dedicated for these data spheres, as I will now coin the term. And this is essentially, I guess the equivalent of external memory storage, in which VR-LA would switch these out depending on whether a sphere has reached its own data capacity or he feels that a particularly memorable event should have its own sphere. Upon being discovered, VR-LA has lost, of his own internal memory, a lot of what has been learned over the years. And in addition, he found that his collection has been raided by some amount. And so there is a good amount of memory that's missing.

But what he does have, he will proceed to scrub through various spheres, taking them in and out, and try and find anything pertaining to either monks of some sort of practice that have innate spellcasting abilities greater than what he perceives normal monks to be... Yeah, that will be the focus of his research.

[AUSTIN]
Cool. Go ahead and roll me arcana— I guess roll a history check.

[NOIR]
Sure, yeah.

[AUSTIN]
I assume those are probably the same for you, actually. So.

[NOIR]
That was pretty good; a natural 17 plus seven gives me a 24.

[AUSTIN]
24. Totally! So you begin research into monks, specifically people of monastic tradition that harness their own life energy, different from spellcasters who draw their energy from the Weave. Monks do not do that; monks harness their own internal energy, ki, to accomplish feats. There are monks who are spellcasters, who can use their ki to trigger the Weave; disciples of the elements, very well documented, they do that, but it's not very efficient. And there's nothing you can find that says they're necessarily— there's no reason they would be— they're still using ki, it's just triggering the Weave. So would they be better at spelljamming? Uncertain.

You do stumble upon... there are very few cultural monoliths in terms of relating to races in this Planescape. There's not a cultural monolith of dwarves or whatnot. But one of the few is the githzerai. Cousin, or perhaps brother-race to the gith, depending on who you ask. They are a monastic, disciplined people. They number relatively small. There's quite a few of them, not on the scale of humans in the multiverse. They make their home in Limbo, where they use their force of will to make the churning chaos bend to their own whims; and they build their fortress monasteries with the power of their mind.

[NOIR]
Interesting.

[AUSTIN]
They are a monastic people who seem to be able to exhibit great force of will to bend space and time. Granted, happens only in Limbo, but it also seems like they can reach into Limbo to affect stuff sometimes. And they have powerful psionics, which is their mental abilities, which they can use to duplicate spellcasting in some ways. So perhaps it could be related to that? I'd say with a 24 and eight hours of research, that's pretty good. Maybe with more time, you could learn more.

[NOIR]
But one question that I do have, are there any githzerai that are known to manifest astral arms, similar to how Kyana does it?

 
[AUSTIN]
You don't find any record of the astral arms, but things manifest in all different ways. Who's to say that just because they don't have spectral arms, they're not manifesting their own psionics into physical reinforcement to their own fists and bodies?

[RED]
I'm sorry, but does this include any details about what githzerai look like?

[NOIR]
Yeah, I was gonna ask that as well.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. VR-LA would learn githzerai are humanoid. I'd say it's a pretty obscure piece of information to know their full history. But 24 definitely will tell you what they look like, which is very similar to the githyanki as well. They look humanoid, they're humanoid in build, maybe on the taller side. Especially the githzerai because they're so disciplined and their bodies are temples, literally they believe, to their minds. They tend to be very rail-thin, they have yellowish skin, no nose. They have pointed ears, and the githzerai tend to dress very simply, they tend to be just, like, open robes. For the most part, they're yellow-skinned humanoids, pointy-eared.

[NOIR]
Okay. So yeah, they resemble githyanki, who VR-LA does know what they look like, visually.

[AUSTIN]
Yes, they look just like githyanki; githyanki are way more warbandy. Whereas githzerai are very downplayed, githyanki tend to be in mismatched armor, war paint, mohawks, and long hair; they're very metal.

[NOIR]
Okay, so I'll put in my notes, githyanki: rad as hell.

[RED]
Album cover.

 
[NOIR]
When VR-LA goes to relieve Kyana of her post, he will go and pinch her nose.

[RED]
Wha?

[NOIR]
Does he feel a nose?

[RED]
(nasally) What's up?

[AUSTIN]
She has a nose.

[NOIR]
Okay.

[RED]
(nasally) What's going on?

[NOIR]
Got your nose!

(laughter)

[RED]
Oh... yeah... okay.

[NOIR]
(laughs) I'll just wait for her to get up and then I'll just sit down. With no explanation.

[RED]
Yeah, I'll go take a nap or something. (laughs)

[NOIR]
Okay. That is his own comprehensive experiment to determine that she is probably not githzerai.

 
[RED]
Awesome. (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
You love to hear it. Cool, you take over. Kyana, go ahead and roll me a perception check for your eight hours in the helm.

[RED]
(heh!) (dice clatters) 14. I rolled another ten.

[AUSTIN]
All good on the Sea of Stars. VR-LA, you're able to take over. Essentially, this is going to be three rounds of shifts. Kyana, if you wanted to sleep now, you could; if you want to stay up and then sleep later, someone else would have to take the helm after VR-LA. But...

[RED]
I'll sleep now.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, cool. Kyana, you go to sleep. Finbar and Dani, what are you guys gonna be up to?

[SOPHIA]
Yeah. So Dani's just started doing her usual walk about the ship, make sure everything's working. But I'll use some of my time.... you know, Dani's an artificer, and that comes with several infusions. And since we leveled up last episode, I get to add another one to "Active Items". So I'd like to spend my time turning my goggles into a Mind Sharpener, so adding that infusion to them. So Dani sort of hunkers down in— I imagine it looks like a boiler room, but wherever the guts of the ship are; she's just strung up a hammock between two definitely load-bearing pipes that shouldn't have a hammock on them, and just has tools scattered all over the ground and she'll sit cross-legged on the floor and start working on infusing her goggles to be a little bit fun and funky.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, cool. And Fin, what are you gonna be up to?

 
[WALLY]
Finbar is also going to do something related to hitting 2nd-level druid. He's going to sit through his possessions from home, he's feeling a little homesick; and he's going to, in the back of his mind, start charting his memory of the stars saying, "Okay, we're here, and we've been to a couple of places since then: City of Brass, Feywild, Sigil." And he starts making a star map, essentially.

[AUSTIN]
Very, very cool. Not for nothing, but this is a class ability for you and it is needed for accomplishing your Stars druid powers. But star maps are also highly sought after. The fact that you guys have a navigation device for the Astral Sea is... the spelljamming helm is the most expensive thing on your ship. But the navigation which was put in by Oto for you guys, is definitely a close second. It's not a small piece of arcanotech.

Maps of the Astral Sea and locations of colored pools, which are how everyone gets everything done (think hyperspace routes in Star Wars level of importance) are highly sought after. So this is not a small feat: to be intelligent enough, skilled enough, create a map, and then also to keep track of places you've been.

[WALLY]
It's a small stone tablet with tiny holes in it, he kinda drills in a hole for a specific location. And it looks more of a cube than an actual flat tablet. So you rotate it in order to, y'know, pinpoint your location and determine your direction. And then when he goes to relieve the next person off the shift, he will correlate what he's built, which is very crude, and sort of update and refine it with some of the instruments on the helm.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, your pixies are super interested in it as you create it. They keep putting their little fingers through the holes as you drill them.

[WALLY]
Hey, hey! It's not done.

[AUSTIN]
One of them gets a whole fist through and then gets it stuck, and the others all grab and pull on her to pull it out.

[WALLY]
Ugh, and then I have to go to the kitchen, gotta get grease, pull it out.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, you kinda butter up her arm, just slide it out. You finish and they all rest. They all come up on your back and rest on your shoulders and look over and you hear just— it's more twinkling than any other real speech, but the unmistakable "Ooh, ahh," even from these true fairies. Can I get, before you go to relieve at the helm, VR-LA, can I get a perception check from you?

[NOIR]
Okay. 11.

[AUSTIN]
The night goes by without issue.

[NOIR]
Cool.

[AUSTIN]
Fin, you wanna go and take over?

[WALLY]
Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
VR-LA, you can either power down for eight hours if you'd like or stay up. You haven't pushed exhaustion because you just did eight hours. But if you want to sleep, sleep; it's always up to you. Kyana, you awaken; and Fin, you take over for the final leg of the journey. Could I get a perception check from you, Finbar?

[WALLY]
Yes. (dice clatters) Not great. Okay, that's a 12.

[AUSTIN]
It's really just a case of... not "are you going to see it", but "how long until you see it?"

[SOPHIA]
Oh, no. (nervous laughter)

[NOIR]
Yeah...

[WALLY]
Uh-huh.

[RED]
Oh, no.

[AUSTIN]
Eyes on the stars, so you are very preoccupied with your cube, and going over and shifting at how the light peers through the holes to shine lights down, projector-style, looking at stars; one of your pixies tugs on a little bit of fur on your chin.

[WALLY]
What? What's going on? Hey, whoa, stop that.

[AUSTIN]
You see it turns, flies around your head and then turns and points out off the port side; and clearly it has been here for... you're not seeing this way off in the distance. It's close and traveling past you at this point 'cause you didn't see it coming. You see a small ship. It actually bears somewhat of resemblance to the Per Aspera. Much smaller. Darker colored, not the rich, rosy, mahogany wood. Similarly, it has those three smaller masts with sails of dark-folded metal encrusted with little gems. The space here is huge, it's more than a thousand feet away. But it appears to be another spelljammer, small one, a skiff. There's a couple figures walking back and forth on it. You wanna roll me a history or arcana check?

[RED]
Ooh.

[WALLY]
This is a solid five.

[AUSTIN]
Unclear!

 
[WALLY]
I turn to the pixie. I'm like, "I ain't never seen nothing like that. What's going on?"

[AUSTIN]
A little tinkling shrug, and then it flies up your sleeve and back into your jacket.

[WALLY]
"I might as well wake everybody up. Alright, let's see what's going on." You said there's message Sending Stones?

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, Dani built Sending Stones into the ship to essentially function like an intercom system.

[WALLY]
I go, "Uh, Dani? We got company up here."

[SOPHIA]
"Huh? What? Like, good company or bad company? Alright, alright."

[WALLY]
Get everybody up. (shouting) "Yo everybody, wake up! It's time to wake up!" And I just shout into the Sending Stones.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, that's enough to rouse anyone.

[WALLY]
My ear was right there, Dani. My ear was right there.

[AUSTIN]
You all make your way to the upper deck of the ship to look out at what Finbar has pointed out.

[NOIR]
VR-LA is getting a horrible sense of déjà-vu.

[AUSTIN]
Kyana's not gonna know anything about this, but VR-LA—

[RED]
Of course not, no!

[AUSTIN]
—VR-LA or Dani, or both of you: if you want to make history checks for me.

[NOIR]
Oh, I would absolutely love to.

[SOPHIA]
Five.

[NOIR]
(desperately) Please! 11.

[AUSTIN]
Jesus Christ. 11? Actually, I would say as an experienced sailor, that's actually enough. You were just thinking about something similar to this.

[RED]
Hmm?? (laughs)

[NOIR]
Yeah, I knew it.

[AUSTIN]
Not certain. And no one else might— maybe none of the other ones have, even though they've heard of it, have never seen it, so it doesn't click. But VR-LA, you have seen, not something this small, but a ship much larger. What you see out there is definitely githyanki.

[NOIR]
Prepare for combat.

[SOPHIA]
What?

[RED]
What?

[NOIR[
We are to be boarded.

[RED]
But it's so tiny.

[NOIR]
They are not to be trusted. They are not to be underestimated.

[SOPHIA]
Who's not to be what now?

[RED]
Yeah, what's going on?

[NOIR]
"The ship that is riding alongside us bears an eerie resemblance to one that I have seen before, as do the members on it." VR-LA's on edge. VR-LA does not like this at all.

[AUSTIN]
So far, you and the ship are passing each other, and it's basically at your level now. It's portside, probably 1500 feet out. But even from this distance, you can definitely see now the heads of the yellow-skinned— one of them has a huge mohawk, another, shock of straight sticky-uppy hair, one completely shaved, bald. Three of them— one is hanging on the rigging, and another sitting at the helm, a third just standing near the bow, clearly appraising you guys.

[WALLY]
Alright, here we go.

[AUSTIN]
They're not making any moves towards the ship currently. They're just—

[RED]
Yeah, they might just go past us.

[AUSTIN]
—just sailing past.

 
[SOPHIA]
"I think we gotta look scary." So Dani's gonna summon the arcane, eldritch— I almost said the wrong thing— eldritch cannon. We'll do a flamethrower this time; small so it's standing on its own, on its little chicken feet on the side of the ship. I'm just gonna put a leg up on the railing, arm on the cannon, eye contact.

[RED]
Is that gonna make us look intimidating?

[SOPHIA]
I'm trying to look scary. I'm trying to look like too much trouble.

[AUSTIN]
(laughs) Roll an intimidation check. Roll an intimidation check, Dani.

[SOPHIA]
My plus zero, so this is a straight roll. Ooh, but it's a natural 19!

[WALLY]
Ooh, okay!

[RED]
Whoa! Whoa!

[AUSTIN]
19's pretty good. They're really far away, so it's hard to judge any reaction; but it is an arcane cannon that climbed up on the deck. Finbar, the gauntlets go on. Are you just gonna stay in the helm and just keep sailing?

[WALLY]
They're not attacking, so I'm just putting my foot on the gas slowly. Not to draw any attention, just inch away.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. You slowly continue on. There's no reason to change course anyway, you're on course. But being very cognizant to be like, "okay, you don't see us, we don't see you. Just, nothings affecting, we're just continuing on. I saw a friend in the hallway, but I didn't show that I noticed them, so I'm gonna pretend I haven't noticed them, and then maybe they'll say something to me and it won't be awkward?" Just continue moving on. They meet your ship on level, cross paths, and then... out past. With an 11, I don't think there's any kind of recollection from VR-LA as to why, other than... the small group, they weren't interested this time.

[RED]
Could I roll maybe... I know they're far away, but maybe their body language is *real* expressive and an insight check could help?

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead and roll me— I'm gonna say it's so far away, you have trouble seeing, so roll me an insight check at disadvantage.

[RED]
Ugh, okay. One second. (dice rolls)

[AUSTIN]
I believe actually rules for something being so far away, you have penalty to checks.

[RED]
Well I rolled a six, and then I rolled a three. So that's a total of ten.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, hard to read. They are stoic and they're far away.

[RED]
Okay. Neat!

[SOPHIA]
You guys know I actually speak Gith?

[RED]
You do?

[NOIR]
I do.

[WALLY]
Nope.

 
[SOPHIA]
Yeah, VR-LA left a Gith for Dummies book on the ship when we were first fixing it up, and I skimmed through, and I speak it now!

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
Not. Canon.

[NOIR]
You speak Gith?

[SOPHIA]
I do, I speak Gith. (laughs)

(laughter)

[RED]
Well, that makes sense.

[NOIR]
Okay.

[SOPHIA]
I dunno, it just seems relevant.

[AUSTIN]
So do you think VR-LA has had interactions with gith, maybe in the City of Brass and stuff like that before? Githyanki are not... they are the interstellar pirate. They are the pirates on the Astral Sea: take what they can, burn the rest. But githzerai, who also speak the same language, tend to be hermits but are far more reasonable to discuss with. So, is this something Dani picked up just out of pure, like, had to seek out the resources and was like, "ooh, I just wanna know just for sake of knowledge." Or do you think there is some githyanki or githzerai in the past that she learned to speak it from?

[SOPHIA]
I think the reason I picked it is because my background is a guild merchant and you get a language with that and I was like, "Ooh, gith, they're on the Astral Sea." But to kinda make it make sense, I imagine that it might have been a random ship that came into the Heap and was there for a while that she was working on, maybe had a gith crewman or something. They would have chatted. Although...

[RED]
So you've picked up a very specific accent, is what you're saying.

[AUSTIN]
There are, of course, defectors from both factions. Again, most civilizations out here, you don't paint with a wide brush. But the githyanki and the githzerai are very, very specific. They're one of the youngest races, so to speak.

[SOPHIA]
If you wanna know how to, like, get into the fixing spelljammers industry, So they have a very specific origin. they're good people to be able to talk to. So, I thought it might be useful.

[AUSTIN]
Their astral ships are numerous and yeah, they do make them themselves. So that is definitely something that— perhaps even looking at old writings on taking care of these ships, found some stuff that's specifically in Gith.

[SOPHIA]
Y'know what, I 'm gonna stick to my guns: it was Gith for Dummies, it was left on the ship, like, a month ago.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill Dani.

[RED]
You have *no* accent. You have the weirdest accent!

[AUSTIN]
Mark your calendars, episode two is the first character death.

[WALLY]
Also the Gith words she does know are actually just parts of the ship.

 
[NOIR]
It's just Duolingo.

[WALLY]
Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
It's like how all I know in Spanish is how to order a hamburger with only cheese and how to give directions to a taxi.

[SOPHIA]
Exactly.

[RED]
Uh-huh.

[NOIR]
Yeah.

[RED]
And ask where the library is. Everyone needs to know where the library is.

[WALLY]
Mm-hmm.

[AUSTIN]
Ehh, I've never been to a library. The situation does not escalate, and you draw near to your destination. On that note, I think it's a good time to take a break. We'll be right back!

[RED]
(peppy) Rolling with Difficulty! (episode break)

[AUSTIN]
Hi, I'm Austin, and you're listening to Rolling With Difficulty, a D&D podcast. Now back to the show!

[RED]
(ominously) Rolling with Difficulty. (episode resumes)

 
[AUSTIN]
And with that, we're back. Finbar at the helm, you approach the colored pool you seek: a ring of ruby red surrounding the black abyss with the water pouring down. You approach and the helm of the ship crosses and then tips down. For a moment, that feeling of falling, and then sudden rising and... darkness.

The first thing you feel is the heat. Even through the protective shield, which protected the ship in the Elemental Plane of Fire, this unnatural, sticky warmth presses, makes you feel claustrophobic, seems to sap at your very strength. That's the first thing you notice, quickly followed by the smell: rotten and foul, acrid, like there is metal in the air.

As your eyes adjust, you see that it's not pitch black, but rather that you're in a cave: jagged obsidian walls pressing close to the ship, threatening to scrape at her many masts, leaving barely enough room for you to pass through. Faintly illuminating the walls, a red glow that must be the exit.

Finbar, you guide the ship, gently easing it through this cavern, past razor-sharp rock edges that run with rivulets of dark red liquid, as near the end, you see something scrawled, written upon the rock, scratched there; whether by tools or weapons or fingernails, it's impossible to say. Does anyone speak Infernal?

[NOIR]
I do!

[RED]
Let me check.

[SOPHIA]
Nope.

[RED]
No, but I speak Celestial. So if that applies here, let me know! (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
Noir, I've sent you the translation.

[NOIR]
Inviting.

[RED]
What does it say?

[SOPHIA]
What does it say?

[NOIR]
"Abandon hope".

[RED]
Huh.

[SOPHIA]
Say what you will about Hell, but at least they're committed to the aesthetic.

[RED]
Yeah, cheerful. I'm getting the feeling this isn't a very nice place to be.

[WALLY]
Nope. No, it's not.

[SOPHIA]
No, it's Hell. So...

[WALLY]
Y'all just be careful.

[RED]
Right...

[NOIR]
Is it not a common saying in the Material Plane to "go to Hell" or "damn one to Hell"?

[RED]
Ohh.

[WALLY]
Yeah, but it's not very nice.

[NOIR]
No.

[RED]
Yeah, okay. Okay!

[NOIR]
It's a common insult.

[AUSTIN]
And this is just the first of the Hells.

[RED]
Oh, there's more?

[AUSTIN]
There are nine.

[RED]
(laughs) My, my. Oh, the fun never ends!

[SOPHIA]
And we're doing *how* many episodes this season?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, this is gonna be the rest of the season, plot twist. It’s all just Descent Into Avernus from here.

[WALLY]
Let's not get trapped in here, please. No.

[AUSTIN]
Ahh, it's not Carceri, you're not gonna get trapped.

Reaching the end of the tunnel, you emerge beneath a blood-red sky. No sun or moon or stars to speak of, just an omnipresent glow, obscured in places by noxious clouds of volcanic ash that drift lazily and rise up from various points in the landscape. A ways off, a ball of fire, like a comet, plunges through one of these clouds, collides in the ground, craters, sending bits of black and brown rock spraying into the air. The landscape around you, barren.
 
In the distance, a river, glowing faint orange— not like the magma pool you emerged from, but something more sinister— cuts across the landscape, like a jagged scar. And beyond it, some miles in the distance, shapes of what can only be thousands of thousands marching in legions, armies colliding against each other, the vague sound of battle ever-present.

And there, not far away, within perhaps a mile's distance, you see two parallel tracks of steel interspersed with wooden slats, the destination that you seek, the location of your quarry. Welcome to Avernus, the first of the Nine Hills.

[SOPHIA]
Oh my god, I am so excited for this train heist!

[RED]
(laughs)

[SOPHIA]
I, Sophia, the player, am *thrilled* that this is happening. And then Dani is having a great time because it's all machines, baby!

[AUSTIN]
Crew of the Per Aspera, what would you like to do?

[WALLY]
I don't like this at all.

(laughter)

[NOIR]
Does VR-LA feel something upon the implication that machinery and trains are somewhat inherently hellish?

[AUSTIN]
Not gonna ask for a roll for that because I think the answer is no. It's not that they're inherently hellish, it's that Hell just makes use of them. Through what means, you're unsure; that, maybe, you could roll an arcana check for, if you'd like. But Mechanus is the plane of lawful neutrality and that's even more machiney. So it's not that they're inherently evil; inherently lawful, maybe, but not inherently good or bad.

[NOIR]
Oh okay, interesting.

[WALLY]
You know, I never really thought of that. Like, devils are lawful evil and the existence of mechanery— mech...?

[NOIR]
Machinery, yes.

[RED]
Machinery. (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
That's the wild man Finbar talking; he's like, "What are they called? Mechanery?"

[SOPHIA]
Dani just twitches in the corner.

[NOIR]
Another thing that piqued VR-LA's interest is that Oto mentioned something regarding a war; and then upon entering the Hells, VR-LA and the rest of the crew see, apparently, fighting and clashing armies. Does VR-LA know anything regarding this? Does this have anything to do with that war against lawful and chaos that those very rude bar patrons mentioned, or something like that?

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead and roll. Arcana.

[NOIR]
Arcana? Sure. (dice falls) Ooh! Natural 14 plus seven makes 21.

[RED]
Wow.

[AUSTIN]
21. It is a sliver of that great conflict, and by far the most bloody.
 
The Blood War is the war between lawful evil and chaotic evil, the devils and demons of the Lower Planes. It has been going on for longer than the memory of some immortal beings. It stretches past far back beyond even Asmodeus, who is the ruler of the Nine Hells. There are older— the Dawn War was a similar conflict between chaotic good and chaotic evil, the great eladrin and the demons as well; but this war takes place in the Lower Planes. It's the conflict between the devils and the demons.

The demons spawn endlessly from the plane known as the Infinite Layers of the Abyss. Some of them are souls of people, but others just spawn from the twisted, primordial evil that lurks there. They make their way up the River Styx, which is the river you see into Hell, where they hope to spill out into the rest of existence, into the rest of the Planescape, and burn it down.

Devils, in all of their evilness, stand for law and do *not* want to see all of existence burned down, because all existence is where all the mortals live, which is how they get their souls, which is how they get their power. So in a selfish interest to protect their own investments, they fight this endless war, pitting devils against demons. It's very difficult for them because when devils die on other planes, they turn to smoke and are reborn in Hell. When they die in Hell, they are dead. So this is a war where all the demons they kill go back to start, directly to go, and then get to come back. All the devils who die are out of the battle for good. But the devils are far more organized, far more clever than the demons. And they tend to just cut them down like wheat. But demons, even so, are very tricky and dangerous, so.

Some have sought to see it finished. Others think that the best thing to do is just kind of leave it be. Like, these two great forces of evil are currently at each other's throats, let's just (claps hands clean) leave that be. Others think that this is the place. Some great, very powerful, good beings, beings not of neutrality, believe, like, "Oh, all our enemies are here. Let's go take the fight to them and we'll stamp them out for good." But yeah, you intuit correctly, this is one sliver of the ever-present tension that exists in the Planescape: law versus chaos, good versus evil, where no one seems to be on anyone else's side. And this is just the most bloody front.

[RED]
Festive.

[SOPHIA]
Awesome.

[NOIR]
I think VR-LA's under the same opinion of the sages, that it's their bed that they've made; and them choosing to stubbornly be the way that they are has led them to kind of be in this, I guess, relatively speaking, eternal stalemate.

[AUSTIN]
It's a very Mechanus opinion to let the clockwork function as it does. This is all part of the Great Wheel, the great design. Mechanus is lawful, and so would ultimately, if it came down to it, probably support Hell. They think leaving well enough alone is the best option.

[RED]
I have a question about the practicalities of this train heist.

[AUSTIN]
Yes. This is a good time for you guys to plan what you would like to do.

[NOIR]
Enough about philosophy; let's get to *trains*!

[RED]
Well, it occurs to me that if we drop onto the train, we kinda have to leave the ship behind, and I don't think this is a good place to leave the ship. But I don't know if the ship can keep up with the train.

[NOIR]
Well my— I guess... Hmm.

[SOPHIA]
What if we stop the train?

[RED]
I mean, that could probably work.

[NOIR]
I think the train should run.

 
[RED]
As intended.

(laughter)

[WALLY]
Well, do we know how long it stops for?

[RED]
Does it stop?

[SOPHIA]
Do we know where it stops?

[WALLY]
There must be a station.

[AUSTIN]
You know that it stops at the front of the war, which is where it's going, the front lines.

[RED]
Ooh. We don't wanna go there, Oto said.

[AUSTIN]
It may stop before then, but there doesn't seem... I mean, you guys aren't familiar with trains, but there's not a station around; you don't see one here, so.

[WALLY]
Mkay. Mm.

[SOPHIA]
Well, option number one, let the train run. Try and keep the ship at least going in the same direction as it. Option number two, try and stop the train here so that the ship is already here and then we can make our escape. Option number three, think of an option number three.

[NOIR]
Wouldn't that be "think of an option number four"? Because option three is already occupied.

[RED]
Yeah, I think he's got you there.

[SOPHIA]
Hmm.

[WALLY]
Uhh, that hurts my brain.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
Gon-style, smoke coming out of the ears. You try to do math, that is, just counting to four.

[NOIR]
Would any of us know how fast the train normally goes? Essentially, would the spelljammer be able to keep up with it?

[WALLY]
If a train leaving from Avernus...

(laughter)

[SOPHIA]
Aww shit, I knew I should have paid attention in fifth grade math.

[AUSTIN]
Artificer and wizard, go ahead and roll me an insanely high DC to know how fast a train, a thing you've never seen, would go. Let's call it... if you guys can reason a way you might be able to know that, tell me what you think and then I'll let you roll for it. But Austin isn't thinking of a good way you guys would guess how fast the train is.

[NOIR]
Yeah, the only way that Noir could reasonably justify it would be if there is some single, obscure data sphere that VR-LA has, in which he has glimpsed a train once. That could be the only way that he could justify that.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. Yeah, roll me a DC 25 history, Noir.
[NOIR]
Yeah, yeah. Fair enough.

[AUSTIN]
It's so obscure.

[WALLY]
I'm gonna Guide him on it. Finbar's like, "This is beyond me."

[NOIR]
This is doable then, actually, 'cause VR-LA has pretty good history.

[WALLY]
Okay.

[RED]
Ooh.

[WALLY]
Here we go. (dice clatters)

[NOIR]
Never mind, VR-LA rolled a natural eight. So...

[WALLY]
Oh, I rolled a two.

[NOIR]
Yeah that's a 15, makes 17.

[SOPHIA]
I got something I wanna try.

[AUSTIN]
Alright! Go for it, Dani.

[SOPHIA]
So, you know, Dani is, above all else, a real big fan of the scientific method. And I think, looking at these tracks and knowing roughly how things go, I would look to see if there's any sort of signs of grease or ash or anything that looks like it's been pushed up in a direction; and I'm just going to touch the tracks and see, like, do they feel warm? Does it feel like maybe a train has passed? (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
You're gonna put your ear to it like a Native American in a movie?

[RED]
This is a stretch, buddy.

[WALLY]
I go watch Dani put her head on the tracks.

[SOPHIA]
Knock on it a few times, like, (gonging).

[WALLY]
I'm like, "no..."

[AUSTIN]
Okay. So you take the ship down to the tracks, out of the mountain that you were in. You park it nearby, dismount via rope, Dani.

[SOPHIA]
Dani hops off.

[AUSTIN]
You go and lay your head down on the track.

[RED]
Oh my god.

[AUSTIN]
In an incredible low WIS moment.

[SOPHIA]
Nine, baby! (laughs) Oh, no!

[AUSTIN]
How fast does it go? Investigation is a solving check. Go ahead and roll me an investigation check. Is this easier or harder than having heard of a train?

[NOIR]
This is a stretch.

[SOPHIA]
This is definitely a stretch.

[AUSTIN]
This is such a huge stretch, DC 25 also.

[RED]
Damn.

[WALLY]
I'll throw my Guidance on this too. Oh my god.

[AUSTIN]
Look, I would love for you guys to give me a good reason to know, I'd love to tell you. I just don't know how or what it would be.

[SOPHIA]
I rolled, I shit you not, a natural 19, and I have a plus six to investigation. So that will give me the 25!

[RED]
Oh my god. Oh my god!

(laughter, cheering)

[AUSTIN]
Okay. You come down and immediately go to work. There are minecarts and stuff that exist. Not really in Sigil or anything, but that— no, no, no, no, no, this is not totally alien to you. Could they have a train, an engine that runs along it? Definitely, you're not gonna find that most places. But—

[SOPHIA]
How much weight could these tracks support and how fast would it have to move to be going along?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. You're looking, you know it's multiple cars, you're doing some quick calculations in your head. You're like, "okay."

[SOPHIA]
Beautiful Mind–ing it.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, exactly. You pull out a charcoal pencil and you're doing calculations on the metal.

[RED]
Mind palace.

[SOPHIA]
(cackles)

[WALLY]
Dani, please tell me you got something.

[AUSTIN]
You're figuring out weight of the tracks. "Okay, how much weight must this thing be? It's gotta need an engine big enough to pull multiple cars, so the cars have gotta be several tons each, so you're talking about needing an incredible amount of force." You're doing some maths here. You're like, "Okay, so it's arcane, so it probably doesn't have any problem with actually generating that much force. But how fast could it be going?" You take a look in the distance, you're like, "Okay, there's some bends in the track to go around hills and stuff," and you're like," Okay, to prevent it from flipping off the tracks, how fast could it go with these angles and not eat shit going off the tracks?" This is a good question. Let's see, how many feet per second does a train—

[SOPHIA]
DM, please tell me how fast a train could go without eating shit *right now*!

(laughter)

[NOIR]
No see, you've fucking tickled Noir's actual engineering brain to figure out how you would be able to feasibly Tonto this out.

 
[RED]
See, I'm safe because I just do math and this is too physicsy for me. Vectors? Get that shit outta here!

[AUSTIN]
The cursory check, after some things I looked up before— actually, I'm going to say it has an engine as powerful as the more powerful infernal war machines. So it can go about a hundred feet in a round, which is six seconds.

[NOIR]
Oh, my goodness.

[RED]
Ooh, that's bad. That's faster than any of us can pilot the Per Aspera.

[AUSTIN]
The ship moves 50, but you can technically dash it by focusing your will. The only problem is, there's two things: one, you gotta be sitting in the helm to pilot it. Two, you gotta use your action to dash it. And three, it's definitely gonna cause exhaustion if you do it for too long... on some ruling that Austin has to come up with now, based on chasing this train.

[WALLY]
Yeah, no, we're gonna need all boots on the ground.

[AUSTIN]
Theoretically, if you hid the ship somewhere and came at it, you could keep up with the train. But that requires someone being in the— unless you can anchor it or something to the train, it's going to require someone in the chair using their action the whole time.

[RED]
Also, sorry, I thought we could move it a number of feet per round that was ten times our highest level. Wouldn't that be 60 now?

[AUSTIN]
Oh, you're right! It would be 60, correct!

[RED]
Heyo! It's still not enough, but it's something, baby!

[SOPHIA]
So if the Per Aspera is going 60 feet a round, and the train is going a hundred... (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
So with a dash 120 feet a round, so you could catch up to the train

[RED]
We could slowly overtake it, right. and overtake it.

[RED]
But it's pretty clear that having the ship keep up with the train for the duration of however long we're in there is probably not going to work.

[SOPHIA]
Mhmm.

[AUSTIN]
Especially if you're probably gonna want everyone.

[RED]
Right, exactly.

[NOIR]
Once the pilot does suffer exhaustion, there is still some time in which the Per Aspera would be parallel to the train, because you have to consider the length of the train as well, and whether or not in six seconds— Well, then you're also considering that once that round starts, the Per Aspera is now going at less the speed, but the train is still going at the same speed, so that—

[RED]
We're not accounting for friction either. And air resistance.

[NOIR]
—that effective length lessens...

[WALLY]
I hate to say it...

 
[AUSTIN]
We're not gonna talk about friction, air resistance. DnD universe is not even—

[WALLY]
We're gonna have to derail this thing.

[SOPHIA]
(gasps)

[RED]
Oh.

[WALLY]
I hate to say it.

[SOPHIA]
I have some thoughts. So Dani is crouched in the middle of the tracks, paper in hand, she's like, "I have some thoughts."

(laughter)

[SOPHIA]
So these are metal rails, right?

[AUSTIN]
Yes.

[SOPHIA]
And the terrain: are we talking cliffs? Is it more of a craggy rock? What's the general lay of the land here?

[AUSTIN]
It's mostly flat, and there's mountains at the edges of... Kind of like the Astral Sea, it's a little bit boundless. So on the horizon, there are mountains, and it's unclear if you flew at them, if you would ever really reach them, or if that's just the edge of the world here. Here, it's mostly flat. There's hills and stuff, there's a big crater a little ways away that clearly was from one of those impacts of the fireball. It's basically pretty flat.

 
[SOPHIA]
So what we could do is if we curled up a portion of the the track, the train would have to stop, right? Because it can't run, so we just gotta make a barrier, basically.

[AUSTIN]
Here's the other thing I'm gonna say right now, is that you do know the trains come every couple of hours. So what I'm going to do is roll a d4 right now to tell me how long it's going to be until the train comes. And then you guys are gonna have that much time to do stuff depending on what you wanna do.

[RED]
Okay.

[NOIR]
If you wish to derail the train...

[WALLY]
We just need to— well, okay, maybe not derail. At least stop the train for a little bit to give us a window.

[NOIR]
If you were to sever the rails, then obviously, yes, from a distance the conductor of the train would be able to see, from a distance, that the rails have been severed, and then stop in time. I do have Minor Illusion.

[RED]
Ooh, we wouldn't even need to actually damage the rails. Potentially.

[NOIR]
I was thinking that we could mask the severed rails to look—

[RED]
Ohh. (laughs)

[SOPHIA]
Ohh.

[RED]
Oh, okay!

[WALLY]
Oh, okay yeah, we're going full— okay...

[SOPHIA]
Alright! Now we're getting a plan together.

[NOIR]
If we wish to derail the train, then yes. But if you wanted the conductor to safely stop, then yes, I could cast Minor Illusion... Well, see— interesting.

[RED]
I don't think we have any way of knowing how big of a crew this train is likely to have, a.k.a. how many people we might need to deal with if they fully stop.

[SOPHIA]
The question is, do we damage the tracks or do we damage the train? If we damage the tracks, they might just stop and have to wait for someone to come fix it. If we damage the train, they're gonna have to fix their train. And presumably there's someone on there whose job it is to fix it, right? I assume there's an equivalent Dani on every mechanical thing that goes around and travels.

[NOIR]
Dani from Hell.

[SOPHIA]
Oh. (laughs) Ooh.

[WALLY]
I don't want to meet her. No, I'm good.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah. So if we stop the train—

[WALLY]
I can barely handle that one.

[RED]
Oof.

[SOPHIA]
—by damaging the train, then maybe some of the crew will be tied up in doing that?

[RED]
But if we damage the tracks, they also might need to get out and try and clear it. Which might mean there are fewer people on the train for us to deal with when we go in and steal stuff.

[SOPHIA]
I think we actually wanna damage stuff. I like the illusion idea, but I think that that might be...

[WALLY]
Gives us a bigger window.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, I think we want them to be distracted with fixing whatever we break, y'know?

[RED]
Okay.

[NOIR]
Do we wish to go full chaos and actually damage the track, and *then* Minor Illusion it to look like a not-damaged track, so that the train will not realize the track is damaged, and then ram straight into the damaged track, presumably derailing the train?

[WALLY]
Although, we don't know who's on this train, and I don't wanna go about hurting people that don't need to be hurt.

[RED]
Um, I get the impression that in Hell most of the people... deserve it, right?

[SOPHIA]
Ehh, who could say.

 
[AUSTIN]
I mean, being evil's in their nature, y'know? Do they have a choice when the gods are literally aligned in their goals?

[NOIR]
It's that kind of general talk that would land you in Hell in the first place.

[RED]
Hmm. Alright. Well, we should at minimum get Dani off the middle of the tracks before we figure out what to do, please.

(laughter)

[RED]
Wisdom, baby.

[SOPHIA]
If they start rumbling I'll move.

[AUSTIN]
Turns out I rolled 30 seconds on a d4 for number of hours.

(laughter)

[SOPHIA]
I have a few spells that could potentially do some damage to metal tracks. So if our only goal is 'destroy tracks', we can make that happen. Another option if we want to destroy trains—

[WALLY]
Could we use tools instead of magic? We might want to save those for getting us out of whatever situation...

[SOPHIA]
"Oh, well if you need tools too, I do have a crowbar on me." And I'll reach into my pocket and pull out a crowbar.

[RED]
Oh, of course, of course.

 
[NOIR]
I feel like train tracks are stronger than what a crowbar can do.

[RED]
Yeah, I think they kinda have to be, because trains are significantly heavier than... crowbars.

[WALLY]
Hmm. Magic it is then.

[SOPHIA]
"I got a few options." So here's Dani's thoughts: we could Grease the tracks so that the train goes way too fast and hope that it skids off. But that would require us to place it exactly right, like right in a bend, y'know? Another option would be to... I have Heat Metal, so we could—

[AUSTIN]
That's an inspired thought, honestly. I don't know if that would work, but I'm gonna give you an Inspiration just for thinking about casting Grease on the tracks.

[RED]
Ooh.

[SOPHIA]
Sweet.

[AUSTIN]
I don't think it would work, but Austin wants to see it work.

[WALLY]
That's really freaking cool, I love that.

[SOPHIA]
My thought is if you put it right in front of a bend in the tracks, because you have to slow down to go around the bend. But it would have to stay speeding up then, because it would hit the grease. And then it would go too far forward. You could also heat—

[NOIR]
My thought would be that the grease would work as lubrication, which would just make it work better, not necessarily prevent it from slowing.

[SOPHIA]
Right, but if you're going around a bend, don't you have to slow down? Isn't centrifugal force a thing so you don't go over the side when you're turn— I haven't taken a physics class in *so long*. I got my degree in film and TV and then chose to play the mechanic on the ship!

[RED]
I hope the physics teachers in the audience are enjoying the homework ideas.

(laughter)

[RED]
If a demon train is traveling at a hundred feet for six seconds...

[SOPHIA]
You know when you go around the bend and you have to go a certain speed or else you tip over? If we greased it right before the bend, would they be going too fast and they tip over? Anyway, that's one option. Another option is I could heat the metal and just straight up melt part of the tracks and that would be destroyed; or Shatter the train itself, and then maybe bust a wheel, y'know? And then it would be fucked. Those are a few options. Also, we could hit it with this crowbar.

[RED]
I think heating the metal— Pssht. I think heating the metal or shattering a section of the tracks would probably be the best idea.

[SOPHIA]
Ooh! Oh! I have an idea. We Shatter the connection point between the engine and the rest of the cars so that the engine keeps going and only the cars get left behind!

[NOIR]
Do we know which car the fuel—

[SOPHIA]
I assume not the engine.

 
[RED]
That would be a little weird. Unless the train runs on it, in which case it might make sense to have it near the engine.

[SOPHIA]
Eh, well then we'd just wait for the next train to stop when it hits the random cars that are left behind.

[AUSTIN]
(laughs)

[RED]
What could possibly go wrong?

[AUSTIN]
You guys just take the caboose off this one and just wait for the next train. (laughs)

[RED]
Just move a really big rock onto the tracks, call it a day.

[AUSTIN]
These are all viable methods—

[NOIR]
I like that idea!

[SOPHIA]
Heck, I'm kind of into the "engine away" idea because I think that could be fun.

[RED]
Would we be able to shatter that connection point when it passes us?

[SOPHIA]
I don't like to brag, but I'm a bit of a Spell Sniper. So if it's a question of hitting a moving target accurately... (laughs)

[NOIR]
(laughs) I like it when you're able to diegetically sneak in D&D features and traits! (laughs)

[SOPHIA]
What feat did Sophia take? (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
Alright, here's what's up: I'm gonna set a timer for an amount of time you guys don't know. This is the amount of time you have to plan.

[RED]
Oh, no!

[AUSTIN]
'Cause it's based on the amount of time 'til the train comes.

[NOIR]
Is this IRL time, or is this, like...?

[RED]
Right, okay.

[AUSTIN]
Yep! It's in-real-life time, but when you guys tell me you have a plan, the timer stops and we roleplay you doing that plan.

[RED]
Okay, right.

[NOIR]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
It's not like I'm gonna set three minutes and you guys are like,"I gotta get my rolls out!". I'm gonna set a timer. You have this long to figure out your plan, and then that's when it's like, okay, you have to act or the train's gonna pass you.

[RED]
Okay.

 
[NOIR]
If we wish to go with the plan in which Dani would sever a connection between the engine and the rest of the train, only Dani would need to be on the train. The rest of us can hide on the Per Aspera somewhere and then meet up with Dani as the rest of the train slows down.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah no, that's a good point.

[RED]
Hmm.

[NOIR]
Additionally, we could have it be such that the Per Aspera would catch up to the train enough for at least Dani to hop on. And then the Per Aspera could then slow down so that whoever is piloting it would not need to take any levels of exhaustion. That was not diegetic at all.

[RED]
Would Dani need to be on the train to sever the connection?

[SOPHIA]
I need to be within 60 feet of the point I'm trying to sever.

[NOIR]
I only mention that because I think that is the best way for Dani to sever the connection.

[SOPHIA]
So I could, like, squat behind a rock and just wait for it to pass, y'know? Or, jump off the side of the Per Aspera and and try and flying land it, both sound like great options.

[RED]
We're not doing that, no, no, no, no, no.

[NOIR]
The word picture you just painted sounds amazing.

[SOPHIA]
Tie a rope to Dani and just let her just jump off the side of the ship—

[RED]
We are not doing that.

[WALLY]
She's not doing that. Absolutely not.

[SOPHIA]
And like, Tarzan- swing over the tracks to hit the—

[RED]
Severing the engine is a good idea, and it might take them a little time to realize that's what happened.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, to recover from that, right?

[RED]
Right. And if we can keep the Per Aspera close, that would be ideal, because that means we can escape quickly.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah. So maybe you guys stay on the Per Aspera, up in the distance, and try and stay out of sight, but not too far away. I'll hunker down behind a— I dunno if there's rocks on the ground around here I can hide behind, probably.

[RED]
Yeah, is there cover?

[AUSTIN]
There's cover nearby. It'll be trivially easy for you guys to get to a spot that has boulders from one of the explosions to hide behind.

[RED]
Is there enough cover that we could hide the ship?

[AUSTIN]
The ship? That's gonna take some time. And in fact, you guys should probably... there is the crater. You can try and hide it in the crater.

[RED]
Ah!

[AUSTIN]
It's gonna be a survival check to try to skillfully maneuver and know that it's out of sight. But that's definitely possible. A spot that's big enough for any one of you to hide behind just out in the open is trivially easy. Any of you guys can find a rock big enough to hide behind.

[SOPHIA]
Alright. I think that that's the way to do it then.

[RED]
Okay, then yeah. Let's make the crater our staging area, and we hide the ship in the crater. We coordinate from the edge of the crater, presumably. And that way we're not leaving you out in the heat and... Okay. Okay. I think this might be able to work.

[SOPHIA]
I think this is a great plan. I think we have a plan!

[WALLY]
First things first: let's go hide the ship.

[RED]
Yeah, let's hide the ship first.

[SOPHIA]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, I'm gonna end the timer. You guys are going, you guys have your plan.

[SOPHIA]
Yes.

[RED]
Yes.

[NOIR]
Finbar, do you wish to give me the controls of the ship? Because I can maneuver the ship faster than you can.

[WALLY]
I'll go hide it.

[NOIR]
Okay, sure.

[WALLY]
I'll go hide it 'cause it's a survival roll and I have a decent amount. If we need to move it, it's gonna be on the wizard.

[AUSTIN]
Finbar is gonna hide it, and then the helm will turn over to VR-LA to pilot.

[WALLY]
And then we gotta get Dani in place.

[SOPHIA]
Dani will look for a rock to squat behind that is roughly 60 feet from the tracks.

[RED]
I am going to hide along with Dani just in case this turns into punching.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, ho ho.

[AUSTIN]
You're also very fast.

[RED]
♪ Girl's night! ♪

[AUSTIN]
So Dani has 30 feet? Dani could dash. What's your speed, Kyana?

[RED]
Currently, 45 per round.

 
[AUSTIN]
45. Even halved, so even if you put Dani on your back, for example, and move her, even halved, with your action, bonus action and movement, that's 135 movement down to...

[NOIR]
Hold on tight, spider-monkey.

[RED]
No, we're not doing that.

[AUSTIN]
...77, essentially? No, wait. 67? Yeah, 67. I mean, basically the same as she can dash, but you're gonna have a really easy time getting onto the train, Kyana; that's the monk's whole thing. Dani might need to make a skill check.

[SOPHIA]
I'm limber.

[WALLY]
Finbar is going to take a pinch of dirt, lick it, put it on Dani's head, and cast Longstrider.

[SOPHIA]
Oh.

[AUSTIN]
Oh! There you go.

[SOPHIA]
I feel swifter.

[AUSTIN]
It tastes like iron than dirt.

[SOPHIA]
Yech.

[RED]
Yech.

[WALLY]
Yech.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, not very Feywild.

[WALLY]
Fuck it. Actually, I'll do it at 2nd-level. So that's both Dani and Kyana.

[SOPHIA]
Kyana's gonna be a fucking rocket! (laughs)

[RED]
So wait, what does it do?

[WALLY]
So for the next hour, your speed is increased by ten feet. So this includes running, climbing, swimming, flying.

[SOPHIA]
So if Kyana dashed, she could run the speed the train is moving! (laughs)

[RED]
(laughs)

[NOIR]
Yeah, how fast can Kyana run without Longstrider?

[RED]
Without Longstrider, I can *almost* keep up with it.

[AUSTIN]
She can go 55 times three. 165 feet in a round.

[RED]
Without Longstrider, I can still go faster than the train if I use my whole movement.

[AUSTIN]
She's gonna beat this train if she spends all her energy in a turn running.

[NOIR]
You can go faster than the Per Aspera!

[RED]
(laughs)

[AUSTIN]
You can outrun the ship, yes.

[SOPHIA]
Okay, cool.

[RED]
Yay.

[AUSTIN]
You can only dash for so long before you get exhausted, right? The ship has that benefit.

[RED]
I don't know.

[AUSTIN]
But hopefully, you won't need to do that long enough for the train.

[SOPHIA]
"The FitnessGram PACER Test is a multi-stage aerobic capacity test..."

[RED]
Stop, stop.

(laughter)

[SOPHIA]
Oh boy.

[WALLY]
Let's go hide this ship.

[RED]
Yeah, we're hiding the ship.
[AUSTIN]
Finbar, go ahead and roll me a survival check to get this ship nestled in.

[WALLY]
That's a natural 17—

[SOPHIA]
Ooh.

[RED]
Ooh.

[WALLY]
—with a total of 24.

[AUSTIN]
Ship, you feel, is pretty easily hidden, but also you're not going to have any problems getting it out. Can I have my two people on the ground roll me a stealth check?

[SOPHIA]
Yes. 17.

[AUSTIN]
The train— and you can probably intuit this— the train is going so fast it's gonna have a minus five to perception rolls.

[RED]
Well, I rolled a 12 total.

[SOPHIA]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
12 total? Yeah.

[RED]
Because I rolled a six.

 
[AUSTIN]
Honestly? Imagine finding someone hiding behind a rock when you're on a train. Like, think of how hard that would be, even if you were looking for someone hiding behind a rock, you know? A 12 is more than sufficient, you feel pretty well hidden.

[RED]
Phew!

[AUSTIN]
Everyone's in place.

[RED]
Think so!

[AUSTIN]
So, I rolled one hour on the d4, which is good because it means the Longstrider is going to not fade.

[RED]
I was gonna say...

[SOPHIA]
It'll still be in effect.

[AUSTIN]
It's good you guys didn't have that much set up, so it's not like you ran out of time setting something up. Like if you tried to destroy the tracks, that might have taken time, the train might arrive before then.

One downside is... Kyana, the air here is hot and oppressive. Dani is resistant to fire, and the other two are within the confines of the ship, which protect them from the worst of its effects. Kyana, for the one hour you are out, I need you to please make me a DC 10 constitution saving throw.

[RED]
Let's choose the die that I like.

[SOPHIA]
Come on, Kyana!

[RED]
Come on, baby. Oh! 12. Okay.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. The DC is ten.

[RED]
Okay! (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
It's hot and you can feel you're sweating immediately. But you have a lot of rigorous monk training. You kinda go into your happy place, some breathing exercises to keep you from feeling the worst of it. You do not gain a level of exhaustion.

[RED]
Good! That would be bad.

[AUSTIN]
It's a good thing it's only one hour, because not only would Longstrider have left, but you would have had to keep making saves. About 60 minutes pass. You hear the, off in the distance, (train horn). And right next to you, little stones begin to skip and shake. I'm gonna go ahead, and let's move to Roll20.

[WALLY]
(chanting) Map, map, map, map, map, map!

[RED]
Ooh, yes. Yes!

[SOPHIA]
(chanting) Train heist, train heist, train heist!

[RED]
(chanting) Map, map, map!

[NOIR]
Aw, that's *sick*!

 
[AUSTIN]
I'll put you guys really close to the front of the train, because I assume you're basically holding your action until the train gets close to you.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Finbar and VR-LA, we'll hold off on putting you guys on the map for now.

[RED]
Those wouldn't happen to be motorcycles, would they?

[AUSTIN]
They absolutely would happen to be.

[RED]
My, my, my!

[AUSTIN]
I don't know what a motorcycle is, but it's a Devil's Ride.

[RED]
(laughs) I told you! I told you we were gonna get one!

[NOIR]
What is that, an all-terrain Devil's Ride? Next to the Devil's Rides?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. You guys would have to be a little bit ways away to be hidden, but there's a crag here. I don't know if you can see, but the shadowed area, it makes it so that as the train is passing by, it can't see you 'cause it's coming from the right and you guys are hidden behind the thing.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, we might need to be a little closer to it to be within 60 feet for a spell.

[RED]
I see a shattered area. It's a little up and to the right that we could probably take.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, I think you guys could probably be right about here, yeah.

[RED]
Yeah. There you go. Yeah, that makes sense. Cool!

[SOPHIA]
Scooch a little closer to the tracks.

[RED]
Yeah, just nudge a little.

[AUSTIN]
So, let's go ahead and we're going to start the initiative tracker, and it's just going to be you guys for now. So go ahead, roll your initiative. Throw it in the chat for me.

[RED]
Fantastico, will do.

[AUSTIN]
And I will go ahead and add your turns. Train goes at the end of the initiative.

[RED]
This is gonna be a slight problem if you don't sever the connection to the engine on the first round.

[SOPHIA]
Nah I got this. My whole life, I've been training for this.

[RED]
Eyy.

[NOIR]
I didn't think about that, if you missed.

[AUSTIN]
Alright, the combat begins. The train approaches, smoke billowing from the smoke stack on the front. Instead of what we as audience members would expect, though, to be the sound of the chugga-chugga coming from the train, instead the entire thing lets out a bloodcurdling scream, like a person being burned alive, as the train rushes towards, but inhumanly, supernaturally loud.

[WALLY]
Yeah, Finbar hates trains.

[AUSTIN]
There's a front engine, followed by two cars that are completely covered, a couple doors on each side; the third train car is an open air platform. There's piles of rope and chains and gears. There's a crane attached to it as well as— you see two of the Devil's Rides, that you've seen so far. And something larger, much larger. Four-wheeled with spikes and scythes on the front, different seats and stuff on the side. Clearly some sort of war party machine, but you guys have never seen anything like it. In the back there is a small, enclosed caboose. So far, the only enemies you spy are standing on that open-air platform: two heavily armored, broad-shouldered figures. They've got huge, chunky plates of mail, and over their heads are these golden masks that look like babies, like cherub kind of masks.

[RED]
(laughs nervously) What?

[AUSTIN]
But they stand at the guard and they're slowly pacing back and forth, carrying huge halberds.

[WALLY]
Nope.

[RED]
Fun! Okay, cool.

[WALLY]
Let's make this quick.

[SOPHIA]
Guys, guys, we got this.

 
[AUSTIN]
The combat begins! Kyana, the train approaches, screaming past you. What would you like to do?

[RED]
We haven't severed the engine yet, so I'm gonna hold my action until we do.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, so you're waiting to run. Cool. Next we come to Fin. Fin, with high enough passive perception, you can definitely hear the train approaching.

[WALLY]
I will use my action... it's a bonus action to Wild Shape, right?

[AUSTIN]
It's an action to Wild Shape. But it might be a bonus action to summon your stars, if that's what you're asking.

[WALLY]
No, yeah, okay. I will action Wild Shape into an elk. You see this large elk with Sylvan glyphs that loosely resemble stars. I'm like, "okay, they're gonna need a little bit of help up there. You gonna be okay?"

[NOIR]
Yes.

[WALLY]
"Mkay, 'cause you're our way out. Keep your eyes and ears out.”

[NOIR]
Yeah...

[WALLY]
“I need you right here, alright?" You see him, he's slightly worried. He has his features morph into this elk. I will start making my way, out of line of sight, obviously. I don't want to be seen... make my way towards the train platform.

[RED]
This is the most stressed-out elk I've ever seen.

[AUSTIN]
Elk is making his way downtown.

[RED]
(laughs)

[AUSTIN]
Dani, we come to you. The train screaming past. Longstrider, you can feel the tendons and muscles in your legs ready to go.

[SOPHIA]
I mean, nothing to do but stick to the plan. I'm gonna cast Shatter as soon as I see the train pass directly in front of me, centered on the connection point between the engine and the car.

[AUSTIN]
Please draw me how big that cube is.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah. So Shatter, for the audience at home, is a 10-foot-radius sphere.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, it's a sphere, okay.

[NOIR]
Oh, my goodness.

[SOPHIA]
Centered on the connection point, it'll also hit the edge of the train cars.

[AUSTIN]
So that's what, a constitution saving throw?

[SOPHIA]
So it's a constitution saving throw, and if the thing is made of inorganic material, it makes it at disadvantage. It's a DC 15.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, are you severing the engine to the rest of the cars, or you're severing—

[SOPHIA]
The engine to the rest of the cars, I realize I just drew that shape in the wrong spot.

[RED]
Yeah, c'mon, man.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah I was like, "Okay, because you're leaving behind one of the cars."

[SOPHIA]
Yes, no. Severing the engine and the rest of the cars.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, cool.

[SOPHIA]
Centered on the little connecty jawn in the middle. And it has disadvantage because it's metal?

[AUSTIN]
Okay. That has disadvantage, correct. What is the DC?

[SOPHIA]
15 constitution.

[AUSTIN]
(dice rolls)

[RED]
I hope this train has a low constitution.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, I hope this train has a low CON.

[AUSTIN]
It's got a good constitution, but it doesn't have a plus seven, which is what it needed to succeed.

[RED]
Okay. Yeah, this would've been bad if that didn't work.

[AUSTIN]
The train does. You do marginal damage to the big things, but because the connector is not huge, the connector is a lot easier to break than, like, if you tried to smash the engine, y'know?

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, the connector's also taking almost max damage, yeah.

[AUSTIN]
So go ahead and roll damage.

[WALLY]
Holy—

[SOPHIA]
So it's 3d8, and I rolled a seven, a seven, and an eight.

[RED]
Dang!

[SOPHIA]
So that's gonna be... 14 plus eight, 22 points of thunder damage on the connector.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. So... I rolled. The connector had 17 hit points which meant you should *not* have succeeded on that.

[RED]
Oh my goodness.

[SOPHIA]
(laughs)

[AUSTIN]
Sorry, what was the total?

[SOPHIA]
22.

 
[RED]
22.

[AUSTIN]
22? Okay. So I'm gonna run a couple other CON saves now.

[SOPHIA]
Oh no!

[AUSTIN]
These guys have magic resistance.

[RED]
(explosion)

[SOPHIA]
And you guys hear this too, because Shatter is a loud, ringing, crunching sound effect.

[AUSTIN]
That's a fail. Alright, well I'm glad I made the imp stat block, 'cause that guy's dead immediately.

[SOPHIA]
(laughs)

[NOIR]
(gasps) Nice!

[AUSTIN]
And then the other guys.

[RED]
Damn.

[AUSTIN]
These guys have advantage.

[SOPHIA]
It's fun to be a walking cannon sometimes.

 
[RED]
Yeah.

[NOIR]
Are these the figures that are in the engine car and the adjacent car?

[AUSTIN]
The imp was in the engine car, which is going to keep going now, dragging a big chunk of metal behind. They're gonna succeed, so that's 22 halved to 11 for them.

[SOPHIA]
Doing damage to enemies you can't even see. As soon as the Shatter goes off too, Dani's gonna whip around to Kyana and yell, "Run for the cars!" and then start booking it.

[RED]
Wha? Okay!

[SOPHIA]
Use my 40 feet of movement to run up to the train car.

[RED]
You have 40 feet of movement? Oh right, 'cause of the thing, right.

[SOPHIA]
'Cause of Longstrider.

[AUSTIN]
The train car is gonna depart on initiative zero, but for the time being, know that it's gonna leave, and these other cars are gonna slow down. That being said, they've got forward momentum, so Kyana, you're probably wise, if you've got a held action, to use it to try and get on the train now.

[RED]
Yeah, I'm booking it. Okay, so I currently have 55 feet of movement at walk speed, so let's see if that lets me clear it. You don't want to attach yourself to the engine, you want to attach yourself to—

 
[SOPHIA]
No, no, yeah, I wanna run straight ahead so that we end up lined up with the car that we just detached, not the engine.

[RED]
15, 20, 25, 30. Hey, good news, I don't even need to run for this! 35! I'm gonna jump and grab onto anything outstretched, any handhold on the outside of the train.

[AUSTIN]
So I'm gonna say if you wanna try and grab on to something, that's gonna be an ability check. The front of the train is now open, so if you want to try and jump into the train, that you can do without an ability check.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah?

[RED]
Yeah let's do that, it's the same distance.

[AUSTIN]
Cool. Alright, so you both are gonna try to jump into the train?

[SOPHIA]
Yes.

[RED]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
So if you have the movement, go ahead and put yourselves in the train. And this is what you see.

[RED]
Boop!

[AUSTIN]
You guys dead sprint, the train starts to pull away from the cars. You hop in and see a row of benches. Along it, simultaneously, eight figures: tall, muscular, purple-skinned men with spiny tentacle beards—

[RED]
(panicked) Huh?

[AUSTIN]
—each with a halberd in their lap, all turn and immediately look at you. We're gonna roll initiative for the bearded...

[SOPHIA]
Everyone, please remain calm. This is a routine inspection.

[RED]
(laughs)

[AUSTIN]
They rolled really well.

[RED]
That's good for us, though; that means they don't go this round.

[AUSTIN]
That's actually good because it was just Dani. Dani's turn just passed. So now we're up to...

[SOPHIA]
♪ VR-LA! ♪

[AUSTIN]
Is it VR-LA already? Geez. Yeah, you guys both hop in. Dani, one foot off the train; Kyana, square up inside the train. And, yeah, you see all these motherfuckers. VR-LA, what will you do?

[NOIR]
Oh, I've already forgotten now. VR-LA's meant to go alongside the rest of the cars, yes?

[AUSTIN]
Yep. You're gonna pull the ship up, I think was the plan.

[NOIR]
Yeah, VR-LA piloting the Per Aspera. So I think what VR-LA is going to do is... I wanted to hold my dash action, I suppose; because basically the way that I'm envisioning it is, since the trains are still going at some momentum, to wait until they had cleared the Per Aspera before VR-LA would actually start moving it to go alongside it. And then by that point, he would basically try and pilot it to be as in step with the cars as he can.

[AUSTIN]
So the train is coming, so I'd say I assume you guys wanted to plan this, that you could be as close to the ship as possible?

[RED]
Yes, I think that would have been the notion. If VR-LA's staying in the ship, until the train comes to a stop, then, yeah, I think being in the ship would make sense for right now.

[NOIR]
No, yeah. VR-LA is trying to get the ship as close to the train as possible so that if VR-LA and Finbar need to go into the train, or if Dani and Kyana need to come out of the train, the getaway is there.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. You're probably gonna go now, then. You bring the ship close, and then if you need to keep moving, move. Because waiting for something to go wrong is way worse than, y'know.

[NOIR]
Oh, no, no. Yeah, sorry. No. I think we're on the same page, I just had described it in a way that was confusing. VR-LA will use, essentially, his movement and his action to dash for as many rounds as needed to make sure that the Per Aspera stays in step with the cars.

[RED]
Okay. So right now you guys are both in the ship?

[AUSTIN]
Yep, they're in the ship. And the way that you guys planned it, I'd say you're definitely close enough that things are coming together now. So, we see two heads pop out from a crevice, an arcane wand extends, and Shatter: (boom!) pieces of metal go flying, the junction that connected the engine to the rest of the train falls down, starts bumping along each wooden slat as the engine just keeps screaming ahead, literally. You two run and jump in.
 
On this sound cue, Finbar shifts into an elk; VR-LA, you pull up on the armrests, so to speak. There's no real joystick, you just use your mind. But even so, ascend. And as the train engine screams past and the rest of the train cars keep going fast, but now starting to lose momentum, we see the sails crest and this enormous Spelljammer comes and begins to keep stride with the train cars.

[RED]
Perfect.

[SOPHIA]
Nice.

[AUSTIN]
Absolutely cool visual. I love it guys.

[RED]
Want this fan art on my desk by 8:00!

[AUSTIN]
Kyana, you face down eight fiends, literally the legions of Hell. But Dani's at your back and the Per Aspera's shadow eclipses you, letting you know backup is not far away. What will you do?

[RED]
It does slightly concern me that I am, right now, between Dani and all the things she's going to want to hit and stuff. But I'm gonna compartmentalize that away for now, and I'm going to start with my bonus action to... let's see. I don't think intimidate is going to help me. I'll just do the regular Arms of the Astral Self.

[SOPHIA]
Nice.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, cool. Do you want to stay there?

[RED]
Oh. Yeah, I'm actually going to move...

 
[AUSTIN]
So you can hit a lot of people depending on where you stand. It's, what, ten feet? Depending on where you stand, you can hit four people.

[RED]
Right. I'm gonna pop in here. I can't quite get perfectly in the middle, but yeah.

[AUSTIN]
It doesn't matter, you can hit them from wherever you stand.

[RED]
Right. And I'm gonna do my summon for the Arms of the Astral Self. All four of those guys are gonna need to make a DC 15 DEX saving throw or take 2d6 of force damage, which I will roll now.

[AUSTIN]
That is a total of— wait, they're each rolling. So, that's a success. What's the DC?

[RED]
15.

[AUSTIN]
15? Another success—

[RED]
Boo.

[AUSTIN]
Ooh, that's a fail!

[RED]
Yes!

[AUSTIN]
One fail... and... just barely a success.

[RED]
Okay. Well, that one guy takes eight points of force damage.

 
[AUSTIN]
Yeah, it's the guy in the purple, right next to you, is the one who failed. So yeah, you bring your arms together and (boom!) they explode out. Three of them, literally battle-trained, war-hardened. But one of them, a fist just comes out and uppercuts right in that nasty beard.

[RED]
Glonk! Okay, awesome. My action is... I'm going to...

[WALLY]
Hit him!

[RED]
Yeah, I'm gonna hit the purple guy.

[WALLY]
Smack him!

[RED]
I kinda wanna make sure none of them can immediately get right up on Dani, but one at time, there's a lot of these boys. So yeah, let's try and wallop this bad boy. Alright, first attack... Man, you think I'd be better at remembering how this works by now. Arms of the Astral Self, attack number one.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, you get to use your wisdom.

[RED]
Yeah, I know, but I still only rolled a six. So 13?

[AUSTIN]
13 will just hit.

[RED]
Really! Oh, these guys might be scrubs, actually. Okay!

[AUSTIN]
13 is an okay armor class for such a low CR.

[RED]
Oh, okay. Okay, that's seven force damage.

[AUSTIN]
Boom! A second punch. This guy is on the ropes. If you can hit him again, he's down.

[RED]
Okay, well, for my second attack, I will... (heh!) (dice clatters) Oh! That's better. That's a 22 to hit. Another seven points of force damage.

[AUSTIN]
Boom. First one down.

[RED]
Hey! Okay.

[AUSTIN]
You see fists flurry, come in. Are you attacking to kill?

[RED]
These guys? Yeah, I think I'm fine with that.

[AUSTIN]
Cool. Kyana isn't really used to seeing any fiends die anywhere; in fact, most of you probably aren't. Typically, when you kill a fiend, their body falls and evaporates into smoke. This one crumbles in a lifeless form as the writhing beard slowly stops writhing.

[RED]
Eugh.

[AUSTIN]
Cool!

[RED]
Awesome. Alright, that's my bonus action and my action. And we did the movement to get into the— oh, wait, no, I technically didn't use... You know what? I think I'm good. I think that's my whole turn.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, I was going to say, if you start running away, other guys are gonna hit you.

[RED]
Yeah. (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
Fin!

[WALLY]
Okay, how close is—

[AUSTIN]
How close do you want the ship to be? VR-LA, you're piloting it.

[NOIR]
I'll say within 30 feet, 'cause VR-LA knows that that's a pretty standard range for spellcasting if necessary. ...Actually now that I think about it, I would say within 20 feet, so that from the edge, Finbar, if casting any spells, could get anyone along the length of the train.

[WALLY]
Okay... One problem I didn't really think about, I am technically size class large now, as an elk. Kinda fucks with my plan.

[AUSTIN]
Well, you're elk, you're spry. I don't know if there's an ability for jumping, but I'd say you're probably pretty capable of at least getting there, even if you're not sure if you can get inside or attack or something.

[WALLY]
Okay. Yeah. What I wanted to do, I wanted to jump down in through the front of the car and sort of barrel through and make myself a distraction so that neither Dani nor Kyana starts taking any hits.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. If you use your action to dash, you could do that. Let's see. What's the speed of an elk?

[WALLY]
50.

[RED]
Ooh.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, fuck yeah. If you dash, you could get— fuck, 50 feet? You could dash, you can get anywhere you want in that train car. Go ahead and make yourself size class large. Put yourself anywhere you want that train car, just know that when you run past people, you're gonna get attacks of opportunity. But you could move through allies, it's just difficult terrain for you. But with 50 feet of movement, that's 100 feet? Yeah, you can jump off... I'm gonna say the ship has to fly at least ten feet up, so I'm gonna roll a little fall damage for you.

[WALLY]
Okay.

[SOPHIA]
Holy shit, there's an elk in here now!

[AUSTIN]
You take four points of falling damage. And then Dani, you get slammed to the side by a fuckin' elk that runs through the air.

[RED]
Very weird day for the demons in this train.

[AUSTIN]
Cool. So, red's gonna take an attack of opportunity on you.

[WALLY]
Okay. Yeah, go for it. It's probably gonna hit.

[AUSTIN]
It's a dirty 20, yeah.

[WALLY]
Yeah, that hits. Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
That's ten points of slashing damage.

[WALLY]
Okay, the form drops.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. How many hit points did you have as an elk?

[WALLY]
I had 13 to start. I took five from falling damage, which left me with eight? So that's two points off of me.

[RED]
So you're gonna turn back, right?

[WALLY]
Yes.

[RED]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
Please, Finbar, make me a DC 12 CON save.

[WALLY]
DC 12...

[RED]
Oh no!

[SOPHIA]
C'mon, Finbar!

[WALLY]
Okay... (dice clatters) 15.

[AUSTIN]
That succeeds!

[WALLY]
So I'm size class medium again, and I'm like, "Okay... too many people are here."

[AUSTIN]
Put yourself in whichever square you'd prefer to be in, although I don't know if you have a preference. It's any of these four. That ends your turn? Unless you have a bonus action you wanna do, because you just used an action to dash, but you technically would have a bonus action. I think you could summon the Starry Form with a bonus action, if I'm not mistaken.

[WALLY]
Yeah. Fuck it, let's do it! So the elk crashes in through, butts everyone around and lands in the middle of this car. It takes a little bit of damage, and it drops in a cloud of wispy smoke, twinkling stars, as you see Finbar adorned with constellations all over his face, shining in some bright lights as I take the form of the Chalice.

[RED]
Ooh.

[AUSTIN]
Alright, yeah.

[WALLY]
On his shield you see the chalice, yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Fantastic. Yeah, the constellation, slowly connecting with vibrant green light; stark contrast to the red, pervasive atmosphere of this place. Fantastic! Channeling via the magics of the cosmos, the old magic. Somewhat atypical, but no less truly druidic way. It's now the bearded devils' turns.

[RED]
Oh, boy.

[SOPHIA]
Hmm.

[WALLY]
I made a lot of noise.

[SOPHIA]
I'm picturing just, really big bearded dragons, but in armor. Y'know, like the lizards?

[AUSTIN]
One's gonna move in to attack Dani.

[RED]
Hey!

[AUSTIN]
One's gonna move to flank Kyana. One is gonna move here, and then they're all... fuck, Finbar, you got a lot of guys on you.

[WALLY]
Good. I mean, better me than them.

[AUSTIN]
Hits on Dani first. Here we go.

[RED]
Rude.

[AUSTIN]
First, he'll attack with the beard.

[SOPHIA]
What??

[RED]
What??

[AUSTIN]
Yep! His beard is going to reach out, and he's going to attempt to hit you with the beard.

[RED]
God, that's weird.

[AUSTIN]
A 15 to hit Dani?

[SOPHIA]
That is my AC, but I will use my reaction to cast Shield to bring my AC up to 20.

[RED]
Ha ha!

[AUSTIN]
The arcane ward extends from your arm—

[SOPHIA]
Hey!

[AUSTIN]
—and the tentacles slither around. Ηe'll attempt to pierce it with a glaive.

[RED]
Keep your face to yourself!

[SOPHIA]
I'm gonna shave you, buddy.

[AUSTIN]
An 18 will not hit, 'cause Shield is up, correct?

[SOPHIA]
Yep! AC is 20 until my next— well, I guess until next turn. (laughs) I'm next in the initiative order.

[AUSTIN]
These are all the guys. So, Kyana, attacks at advantage. Beard first. That's a natural 20 to hit with the beard.

[RED]
Okay, I mean, that'll hit, obviously.

[AUSTIN]
That's gonna be 13 points of piercing damage.

[RED]
Eugh.

[AUSTIN]
Could you please make a DC 12 constitution saving throw?

 
[RED]
Sure. Let me just mark off the damage. That's already bad. Oh! Wow, that's really lucky! I rolled a 12 and my CON is plus one. 13!

[AUSTIN]
That succeeds, that's really big. Glaive coming on you.

[RED]
Yep.

[AUSTIN]
That's bad. That's only gonna be a 13 at advantage.

[RED]
Nope.

[AUSTIN]
Second guy, beard. Lemme get some dice. (dice clatters) That is gonna hit with a 23.

[RED]
Yeah, that hits.

[AUSTIN]
Only four points of piercing damage, but please make another constitution saving throw.

[RED]
Okay. Just a sec. (heh!) (dice clatters) Oh, phew! 15 total.

[AUSTIN]
Another save. Glaive coming in for the hit. Higher is nine at advantage. Does a 14 hit?

[RED]
Nope!

 
[AUSTIN]
Fuck. Can't land any of these glaives. Bam bam bam! The beard comes in and catches you off guard, so both get you. But the glaives, they have to step back to hit with the glaives. They can't be as close to you as they need to be to use the beards, and both times your astral arms come in and manage to catch in the crook of the arm and keep the glaives from hitting you. Alright, Fin. Four guys, so that's eight attacks, four of them at advantage.

[RED]
Oof.

[WALLY]
Here we go.

[SOPHIA]
C'mon Finbar!

[AUSTIN]
First one is going to be beard at advantage. That's 15 to hit?

[WALLY]
Nope.

[RED]
Ha ha hah.

[AUSTIN]
Glaive at advantage. That's a natural 20.

[RED]
Ooh.

[NOIR]
C'mon, man!

[WALLY]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
Hey, I feel like I've either missed or crit tonight, so.

[RED]
Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
I rolled a one on the damage. So that's... Using the rules we use, that means 14 points of slashing damage.

[SOPHIA]
Okay. Could be worse, could be worse.

[RED]
Yeah, yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Please make a constitution saving throw.

[WALLY]
CON save. Aw, I should've done... okay, that's fine. 12 again, total 15.

[AUSTIN]
Okay! You feel the glaive cut into you, and there is something festering about it. The wound is unnaturally deep, and you feel like it wants to continue to tear even after blade is gone. But the starry light from your constellation almost seems to hold the wound. Not heal it, but keep it from splitting any further. That's the first bearded glaive attack. Second one's coming at advantage. 19 to hit with the beard?

[WALLY]
Yep, that hits. That is seven piercing damage, and another DC 12 CON save.

[WALLY]
Natural 13 this time.

[AUSTIN]
Okay! The glaive— (dice clatters) —natural 19 to hit. So the glaive hits with five slashing.

[WALLY]
Yeah, oh my god. Okay.

 
[AUSTIN]
DC 12 CON save.

[WALLY]
Oh, my god. (dice clatters)

[RED]
Is that for every attack? Not just the beard?

[AUSTIN]
Yep. Every single attack has a different effect.

[WALLY]
13 total.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, you succeed. How're you doing, hitpoint-wise?

[WALLY]
I'm at 35.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, that's all the advantage attacks done. Here we're going straight. So straight beard is a 13 to hit?

[NOIR]
(distressed) Okay, okay.

[WALLY]
13, no.

[AUSTIN]
Second glaive. Does a 16 hit?

[WALLY]
No.

[AUSTIN]
Fucking hell. Last beard. That's a natural two. Final glaive is a 21 to hit.

[WALLY]
That hits, yes.

[AUSTIN]
That is ten points of slashing damage, and please make one more CON save for me.

[WALLY]
Okay.

[RED]
Come on, buddy.

[WALLY]
(dice clatters) Shit.

[RED]
No!

[WALLY]
It's nine.

[AUSTIN]
This time, you feel the wound cut into you. This one is deep. At the start of each of your turns, you're going to take 1d10 damage from the wound. This can be staunched with a successful medicine check or magical healing.

[RED]
Okay.

[WALLY]
Oh, okay.

[AUSTIN]
But it will be at the start of your turn, which means it will happen before then. Alright, Dani: your Shield protects you from the worst of the attack, but you see everyone else. Kyana's getting beat up a little; Finbar is just getting wrecked. There's slashing all around him.

[SOPHIA]
Well, this is not great. Hmm. So I think Dani is going to summon, of course, our old friend the Eldritch Cannon, this time in its Flamethrower form.

[RED]
Oh boy, tell me that's not AoE.

[AUSTIN]
Can you make an arcana check for me?

[SOPHIA]
(laughs) Yeah, I can make an arcana check.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. I don't wanna screw you out of this, but I also don't wanna give this to you for free.

[NOIR]
You think these creatures from *Hell* are resistant or perhaps even immune to fire damage?

[SOPHIA]
18?

[AUSTIN]
18? Yeah. With an 18, yeah, these guys are definitely immune to fire.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, okay. You know what? I'm glad that someone pointed that out. I'm about to be... not the most useful person to have around, then. But I'll also summon the cannon in its Force Ballista form instead.

[RED]
Okay. Okay!

[AUSTIN]
Okay.

[NOIR]
I mean, Kyana did want to see if she was resistant to fire or not, so.

[AUSTIN]
Where will you put it?

 
[SOPHIA]
"Kyana, I hope you got this!" And I'll just directly fire at the guy right in front of me, which is gonna be at disadvantage because it's a ranged spell attack, and he's standing directly in front of me. But also, it's a cannon at point-blank. So I'm hopeful that Dani will be able to make this hit happen. That is a 17 to hit?

[AUSTIN]
That will hit, even at disadvantage.

[SOPHIA]
Yes. Alright, let's do this. Where are my d8's? Ten points of force damage, and he gets pushed towards Kyana.

[AUSTIN]
Pretty good. Boom! Point-blank, a cannon. Is it handheld, or is it walking around, chicken style?

[SOPHIA]
It's the handheld version, but there are little chicken feet sticking out the back of it, of course.

[RED]
(laughs)

[SOPHIA]
Just under Dani's arm.

[AUSTIN]
Cool. Cursed.

[RED]
Yay!

[AUSTIN]
You summon this thing, magically constructs itself, and then boom! Point-blank, there is black ichor dripping from the chest, from this concave dent you've put into this thing. If it has bones, you've definitely shattered them. It slides back into Kyana.

[RED]
Oh, great.

[AUSTIN]
Do you have anything else you'd like to do?

[SOPHIA]
"You guys got this right?" And then Dani's gonna duck out of the car and start running along the outside, towards the next car.

[RED]
Huh?!

[AUSTIN]
Okay, so the train is still moving.

[SOPHIA]
Okay, so this was a question I actually had.

[AUSTIN]
You wanna try to climb up to the top?

[SOPHIA]
Yes, absolutely!

[RED]
Oh no, oh no.

[AUSTIN]
(laughs) Yeah. So, climbing is double movement, but technically it's open here. So I'm gonna just let you— Longstrider, you can definitely get up there. So, ten feet. So it's 20 feet of movement to get to the top, and then run however far you'd like after that.

[SOPHIA]
Cool. I'll go five, ten, 15, 20, I'll go 20 feet. I'll go my full movement. Dani's got cannon under one arm, her jacket is all buttoned up in battle mode, goggles down, looking like an insane motherfucker on top of this goddamn train!

[RED]
Fantastic!

 
[AUSTIN]
VR-LA, you see Dani buckle up the jacket up to her neck,
pull down the goggles, and climb up to the top. You can't really probably see into the train car, but you can see through the glass dome of the Per Aspera. So if there's anything you wanna do, you can attempt something if you wanna try anything. What would you like to do? The train is slowing down, so I'm gonna say for this round, it's only your movement to keep up with the train.

[NOIR]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
You have an action, and then after that the train is gonna stop.

[NOIR]
This might be different in combat, but you said that the amount of effort that you would exert, even steering the Per Aspera, means that you can't necessarily cast spells, or...?

[AUSTIN]
You can cast, you just can't— it's concentration to steer the ship.

[NOIR]
Okay, okay.

[AUSTIN]
So you can cast spells, but nothing with concentration.

[NOIR]
I will do this as a bonus action first, however. I will also be utilizing my new gained level as an Order of Scribes wizard. I will conjure forth my Awakened Spellbook—

[AUSTIN]
Oh, fucking hell, yes. This is clutch.

[NOIR]
—and as a bonus action cast Manifest Mind, which will allow me essentially to have, kind of similar to a familiar, in which I can— I believe... Oh, I can't necessarily see or hear through it...

[AUSTIN]
I think you can.

[WALLY]
You can!

[NOIR]
Oh, I can, yes!

[AUSTIN]
You can see and hear through it, so you can send this steering the ship.

[NOIR]
*And* I can cast spells through it!

[SOPHIA]
(gasps) Yes!

[RED]
What! Ohh!

[WALLY]
I love this subclass so much.

[RED]
We picked the right guy to pilot the ship!

[AUSTIN]
I'd love you to describe to me what this looks like, what does your Awakened Spellbook look like.

[NOIR]
Yeah, so what this is, is essentially this tiny little handheld— It's essentially just an astral data sphere, basically, that kind of rolls along, BB-8 style. It can also fly as well. But VR-LA likes that it rolls along.

[RED]
It might need to fly to get into the train. Just saying.

[AUSTIN]
I mean, it can move through stuff, so.

[NOIR]
Well, it's within 60 feet of me, which I believe the interior of the car is.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah! Interior of the car is definitely within 60. Do you have to conjure it in a place you can see?

[NOIR]
Unoccupied space of my choice within 60 feet of me.

[AUSTIN]
Oh alright, yeah. Fuckin' put it anywhere.

[RED]
It doesn't say you have to see it! Hoh!

[NOIR]
Yeah, so I'll just say that I'll put it...

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead and drop— yeah, perfect. Yeah. So, Finbar, you are surrounded; and suddenly you see this sphere just materialize, and then roll its way over, possessed of a blueish arcane light, just rise up out of the bed of the train car and roll towards the unsuspecting barbed devil.

[RED]
Aw, it's so cute!

[WALLY]
Everybody's got a gimmick now.

(laughter)

[NOIR]
Okay, first question: can I occupy this space?

[AUSTIN]
Yep.

[RED]
The bench?

[NOIR]
Yeah, that is a bench.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, you see the little sphere hops up.

[RED]
Boink!

[NOIR]
Yeah. Secondly, would this line get Finbar?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, definitely would.

[WALLY]
What kind of damage you doing?

[AUSTIN]
But it's going to be one, two, three, four— you're gonna get four barbed devils if you do that.

[NOIR]
I'm trying to cast Lightning Bolt.

[SOPHIA]
Ooh. The words of a man who does not fear death.

[NOIR]
So at this angle, that allows me to get four of these barbed devils, as well as Finbar. I'll cast Lightning Bolt.

[AUSTIN]
Fantastic. You see glyphs light up, and then an arcane charge build, and (snaps fingers) fire.

[RED]
Oh, I love it.

[AUSTIN]
It's a DEX save, what's the DC?

[NOIR]
15.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. These guys are not good at that, but they do have advantage against magical effects, so.

[RED]
Boo.

[AUSTIN]
Tell you how many— that's a 19. So we got one success. Dirty 20, two successes. Natural 19, three successes. That's cocked. Jesus Christ, I rolled really good. So every single one is gonna succeed and take half damage.

[RED]
Boo! Eh, half damage, that's okay.

[NOIR]
Well, Finbar would also need to make a DEX saving throw, I believe.

[WALLY]
I rolled a 14, I failed.

[SOPHIA]
No!

[RED]
You can't do that Absorb Elements thing, can you?

[WALLY]
I can, yes. And I will Absorb Elements. I was hoping I could lower it even more, but...

[NOIR]
(aggressive dice shaking) That is still half of 8d6.

[SOPHIA]
Jesus.

 
[AUSTIN]
(exasperated) 8d6.

[RED]
8d6?!

[WALLY]
Yeah.

[NOIR]
Yeah.

[RED]
Wizards, man.

[NOIR]
One of them is cocked... This is great! I don't gotta put myself in the line of danger, I can just be a powerhouse. Okay, so that's ten. That's ten. Nine, 11. 31 points, halved to 15 points of lightning damage.

[RED]
(whistles)

[AUSTIN]
They're lucky they saved, you would've smoked every one of these guys who failed.

[RED]
Oh, my god. Gorgeous.

[AUSTIN]
So that's 15? As it is, you bring them all down to half.

[NOIR]
Amazing! It ignites flammable objects in the area that aren't being worn or carried.

[AUSTIN]
Oh yeah, the side of the train's gonna light on fire. Yeah, the flame's licking at the devil that's got the pink spot on him. He doesn't even care, but the lightning *sucks*. Every single one of these guys has an innate resistance to this, and yet you see every single one of them take this damage; and that winded half the contingent. There were eight bearded devils in here, and you've just brought half of them down to half hit points.

[RED]
Finbar, you good?

[SOPHIA]
Finbar...

[AUSTIN]
The train begins to slow down;

[WALLY]
Not great. on its next turn, it will fully stop.

[RED]
Heck yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Kyana?

[RED]
Alright. Punching time! First attack, let's hit the red one, who I recall being rather damaged by Dani; if I can take this one out, that would be convenient.

[AUSTIN]
Oh yeah, he's messed up.

[RED]
Alright, attack number one. (heh!) (dice clatters) Okay. 21 to hit?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. If you roll good enough, you might ice this guy.

[RED]
Okay, well, lemme just make sure I remember how much damage I do. Alright.

[SOPHIA]
Ice! Him! Up! Kyana!

[RED]
I'm tryin', man! Hacha! (dice clatters) Oh, sweet, max damage, ten points!

[AUSTIN]
Ten is what you needed.

[RED]
Ha!

[AUSTIN]
Boom! This guy crumples under your first astral fist.

[RED]
Perfect. Alright. And next, little pink guy was also damaged rather significantly by the lightning bolt. So I'm gonna turn around and use my second attack in my action to try and whack that guy. (dice clatters) Okay, that's a dirty 20 to hit.

[AUSTIN]
Yes.

[RED]
At minimum damage, five points of force damage.

[AUSTIN]
Alright, that's still pretty good. This guy is at what red was at before you punched him.

[RED]
Alright. Then yeah, I'll burn a ki to do flurry of blows for my bonus action. Lemme just mark that down. Alright, third attack. My rolls are going down by one every time, but that's still a 19 to hit.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, 19's gonna more than hit this guy.

[RED]
Alright, d6 plus four... (dice clatters) Okay, that's six points of damage.

 
[AUSTIN]
Okay. Yeah, if you land one more blow, this guy's out.

[RED]
Well, let's see. Fingers crossed. (dice clatters)

[SOPHIA]
C'mon, Kyana!

[RED]
Ahh! Oh... oh, thank god. 14 total!

[AUSTIN]
That does hit.

[RED]
I rolled a seven! Okay. Final one, d6 plus four. (dice clatters) Nine points of force damage.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. You punch this guy fully through; the fist comes out, into the flames behind him, and then the arcane arm tracks back. I think of the crazy, spiny, clawed arms; I think of the precision of these arms as being like the Chairman in Hunter x Hunter when he fights.

[RED]
Oh.

[WALLY]
Oh, okay, yeah.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, yeah.

[AUSTIN]
That's my second Hunter x Hunter reference tonight. When he just has a huge astral thing, a giant fist? Like the precision, just, right through this guy, and then reels back. The astral arms feel no pain; punching straight through bone does not bother them.

 
[RED]
Awesome. Now hopefully they don't roll too good next round when they hit me, 'cause I'm at half health.

[AUSTIN]
Alright. Well, they're not rolling at advantage anymore.

[RED]
Oh, thank goodness.

[AUSTIN]
Fin, you are still surrounded; but these guys, good amount of work was just done on 'em.

[WALLY]
Cool. Let's...

[AUSTIN]
Oh, I'm sorry. You're gonna take 1d10 damage from that wound that bleeds. Seven damage from that.

[SOPHIA]
Ew. Finbar! Finbar!

[RED]
Maybe a little magical healing would be good.

[AUSTIN]
Magical healing will staunch the wound.

[WALLY]
Yes. Okay, so, let's have some fun. I am going to do a 2nd-level...

[AUSTIN]
The Chalice works that, when you heal someone, you can then heal someone else within 30 feet of you, I think.

[WALLY]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
Which can be yourself, or could be someone else.

[WALLY]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
You can hit the same target twice, or it can be two different.

[WALLY]
I just need to double-check how... Every time I heal with a spell— okay, it's gonna have to land on me. I will bonus action because I'm— I need my action, actually. Healing Word myself. I'm gonna be like, "Come on, Finbar, you can't let it get to the girl." And Healing Word myself, 2nd-level. So that's 2d4 plus four.

[AUSTIN]
Plus you get something for using the moon-touched...

[WALLY]
Yes. That is ten, plus another d4. (dice clatters) 12 to me.

[RED]
It's not bad.

[AUSTIN]
Alright. Starlight emits and will close the wounds.

[WALLY]
The chalice sort of pulses, as little motes fly across the room and coalesce onto Kyana; she gets a d8 plus four. That is max, with 12!

[RED]
Oh, delightful.

[WALLY]
And then as an action, I'm going to hit yellow with Lalin, the sickle. Plus eight, not great. 14?

[AUSTIN]
14 will hit... Which one of them are you hitting?

[RED]
The yellow one.

[WALLY]
This one.

[AUSTIN]
Yes! 14 will hit.

[WALLY]
Okay, not great. Six— oh! Plus the Absorb Elements.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, yeah. Don't forget your d6 lightning damage.

[SOPHIA]
Fuck! Them! Up!

[WALLY]
Max! So it's five for the weapon, the damage. Six for the lightning damage. And then I need him to make a...

[AUSTIN]
This guy's got a dick hair left. Is there a way to do more damage?

[WALLY]
Oh, do damage? Yeah. Then yeah, no, pixies will come out. Yeah. At this point, it's hard to discriminate the pixies from the starlight coming off of me. And out of nowhere he kind of feels an extra d6 damage. (dice clatters) Three.

[AUSTIN]
You got a 50% chance. You rolled a three?

[WALLY]
Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
He had four hit points. A four, five, or six would've done it.

[RED]
Aw, buddy.

 
[AUSTIN]
I'm sorry, dude. Yeah. You see the pixies come out and pull his beard back, distracting him as the sword comes in. (swooshes) Moonlight and lightning blasting from the wound. This guy's so close.

[WALLY]
I'm not concentrating on anything, am I?

[RED]
I don't think so.

[AUSTIN]
No.

[WALLY]
Favored foe?

[AUSTIN]
Yes, yes!

[SOPHIA]
Yes! Roll a d4! I mean yeah, this guy's gonna die, but—

[SOPHIA]
(cheering) Ranger!

[RED]
How *much* is he gonna die?

[WALLY]
Uhh... (dice clatters)

[AUSTIN]
Yes, you could do that when you successfully hit!

[WALLY]
Yeah!

[RED]
Oh, gorgeous.

 
[WALLY]
Cool!

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. The blade sinks in. You think he's dead for a moment, but your ranger's intuition, you know exactly where to cut. And a fountain of devil blood streams out as you nick something vital, and the body slumps.

[RED]
Gross. Alright!

[AUSTIN]
You guys knocked down half of these dudes. I'm gonna go ahead and check their... Unfortunately it is now their turn. I'm gonna go ahead and check how smart they are, because that will determine if they try to flank. Minus one intelligence! No. They will attack from where they are.

[RED]
Hah hah hah!

[AUSTIN]
They are good soldiers in one sense, in that they will attack something until they're dead. Okay, so two attacks on Kyana.

[RED]
Come at me, bro.

[AUSTIN]
That is an 18 to hit.

[RED]
18 will just hit.

[AUSTIN]
That is the beard.

[RED]
Oh, come on, bro.

[AUSTIN]
Three piercing damage, and please make a DC 12 CON save.

[RED]
Ouchies. Okay, let me just... Ahh, no, just a nine!

[AUSTIN]
The beard gets you. I rerolled the glaive, the glaive missed. But as the glaive comes down, you dodge, you go right to the beard as it wraps around your arm and pierces. You feel a "fwoomph" from poison entering your veins.

[RED]
Aww!

[AUSTIN]
You are poisoned for one minute.

[RED]
What does that do?

[AUSTIN]
While you are poisoned in this way, you cannot regain hit points.

[RED]
Oh! My, my.

[SOPHIA]
Ruh-roh.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. This is a nasty combo, because if they hit with both, then you can't regain hit points—

[RED]
And you bleed.

[AUSTIN]
—and the wound bleeds until you get hit points, which you can't do.

[RED]
Nasty.

 
[AUSTIN]
Yup, these guys are sick. Cool! All the attacks coming at Finbar now. Gonna be six.

[RED]
Oh god.

[AUSTIN]
That's a 17 to hit?

[WALLY]
Nope.

[AUSTIN]
Fucking hell, guy. 19 to hit?

[WALLY]
19 hits.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, so that's the glaive. So, DC 10 CON save.

[SOPHIA]
C'mon, Finbar.

[WALLY]
(dice clatters)

[AUSTIN]
Sorry, 12. DC 12.

[WALLY]
It's, like, a 19.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. Sweet. You take seven points of slashing damage from that glaive. Next beard comes in. That's gonna miss. Natural three is also gonna miss. Final attacks. Natural 18, the beard is gonna hit and then the blade after it is a 15, is gonna miss. So just one more beard hits. Five piercing damage, and make a DC 12 CON save.
 
[SOPHIA]
C'mon, Finbar.

[WALLY]
Yeah. 16.

[AUSTIN]
Cool, yeah. The beard grabs onto you, but your giant ancestry fortitude prevents you from feeling any adverse effects of the poison. Way to go, keeping up in that round, guys.

[RED]
Yeah. Oof!

[AUSTIN]
Dani, you find yourself on top of a slowing down, but nevertheless very fast, train.

[SOPHIA]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
Wind blowing your hair; the air is blowing embers out of your hair, like when you blow into a cooling fire.

[RED]
That's cool!

[SOPHIA]
Very angsty, I'm into it.

(laughter)

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, so Dani's got her cannon under her arm, and I'm gonna first run the 40 feet of movement that I've got to make it right up to the edge of the car. These two cars are still connected to each other; could I jump down and kinda stand straddling the two cars so I could look into either one?
 
[AUSTIN]
Yeah. You wanna stand on the... I forget what it's called, but the... the junction that holds the two cars together?

[SOPHIA]
Yes! Yes, exactly.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, cool. Jump down to there.

[SOPHIA]
Yoink!

[AUSTIN]
It's just small enough you're not going to take any fall damage.

[SOPHIA]
And I see in one car, we've got some guys full up; what's in the other car, next to me? So I'm looking past...

[RED]
Are they open? Is there a door? Oh, okay.

[AUSTIN]
I will show you! There is a door, it's that silver thing. I will reveal the area to you.

[RED]
Yes.

[SOPHIA]
That looks like storage to me!

[AUSTIN]
Cool. Inside, you see... hella storage. There's crates, chests. There are weapon racks, barrels. Take your pick.

[RED]
No guys? Or are they on a different layer? (whispers) Are they hiding?

[AUSTIN]
Gimme one sec.

[RED]
Oh, come on. Aren't there enough guys? We got enough guys!

[SOPHIA]
Kyana. Kyana!

[WALLY]
They're on a different layer.

[RED]
Aww.

[NOIR]
Aah.

[WALLY]
It's actually a pit fiend, and we're fucked.

[AUSTIN]
What's your passive perception, Dani?

[SOPHIA]
Oh, my passive perception?

[AUSTIN]
He asked, knowing.

[SOPHIA]
My passive perception, you wanna know?

[RED]
You don't notice the balrog.

[SOPHIA]
My passive perception is a *nine*, Austin!

[NOIR]
They're *all* mimics.

[SOPHIA]
Dani has a wisdom of nine and a passive perception of nine.

[AUSTIN]
Cool! Yeah, there's no one in here.

[NOIR]
They're all mimics. They're all mimics, oh god!

[AUSTIN]
(laughs)

[RED]
Just a balrog curled up in the corner, chillin'.

[SOPHIA]
Alright, well, so from where I'm standing, is there any way to get into the car, or do I have to crawl around to the door on the side?

[AUSTIN]
No, you can get in through that door.

[SOPHIA]
Alright. So I'm gonna look back to where Finbar is, and which of the three bearded guys in his car looks the most fyucked up?

[AUSTIN]
It's going to be either... green or orange.

[SOPHIA]
Alright, so I'll fire off a Force Ballista shot at green. Just a (blast) See if I can't do a little damage to him. That's going to be a 17 to hit.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, that'll hit.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah. (dice rolls) Eh, not great. That's nine points of force damage, and he's pushed five feet back.

[AUSTIN]
Okay! He's not doing so hot. Boom! Catches him in the back shoulder, unsuspecting.

[SOPHIA]
And I'll just sort of brace against both of the door cars and be like, "All right, we got—" Oh, wait, that was my bonus action. Hold up, never mind. I got a whole other action to take. I keep forgetting once I've summoned the cannon, it's a bonus action to fire it.

[RED]
Oh, dang.

[SOPHIA]
Should I just fuck some stuff up? I guess.

[RED]
Probably.

[WALLY]
Yes, please.

[SOPHIA]
(laughs)

[RED]
(laughs) Every little bit helps!

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, you should try a Fire Bolt.

[SOPHIA]
Mm...

[RED]
Mm...

[AUSTIN]
Oh wait, maybe poison damage will work against these guys.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, I'm doing the math right now. What can Dani actually do that isn't fire damage? (laughs)

[RED]
You are so dedicated to the gimmick.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
Oh, I was so happy you were like, "I do all fire damage." I was like, "Oh, good. 50% of monsters in D&D are resistant to that."

[SOPHIA]
(laughs)

[RED]
(laughs) But you know who doesn't? Collateral damage from your teammates!

[AUSTIN]
Collateral damage to you. You can always, if you're unsure, you can always dodge as an action. It never hurt anyone.

[SOPHIA]
No, no, no. You know what I'll do? You know what I'll do?

[NOIR]
(laughs) So committed to the bit, Sophia just has "dodge" scratched out violently in her—

[SOPHIA]
We don't dodge in this household, that's what Shield's for. I will look to Kyana.

[RED]
Yuh-huh?

[SOPHIA]
Hey!

[RED]
'Sup?

[SOPHIA]
"You fuck 'em up!" And— actually wait, is she within 30 feet of me?
 

[RED]
I'm actually out, no.

[SOPHIA]
No! Never mind, I don't look to Kyana. I look to Finbar and I tell him, "Fuck shit up!" and I'm gonna cast Enlarge on Finbar. He is now big!

[AUSTIN]
Finbar swells to crush the bearded devil next to him. You see all the pixies, with the magic, also get large. So they're like— —they're like, doll size now—

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
—and their little twinkling voices, drastically deepened by the spell, go, "Woo-hoo! Let's go!"

[SOPHIA]
You do an extra d4 of damage on all of your target's attacks now with your weapons.

[WALLY]
Cool! I mean, all I do is use this d4, as I have, like, eight of them out right now.

(laughter)

[SOPHIA]
And Dani will just race between the train cars and end my turn there.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. You brace one hand on each door and look: the door on this side swings open, and you see...

[SOPHIA]
Ruh-roh. (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
In comes that baby-faced, heavily armored merregon. They got... yeah, speed of 30.

[SOPHIA]
Oh boy.

[AUSTIN]
Two are gonna come through, and they're both gonna try and shoot you through the window. I'm gonna say you have you have half cover, so go ahead and add two to your AC for this.

[SOPHIA]
Nice.

[AUSTIN]
It's heavy. so it's gonna go right through the glass. (dice clatters) One is really low, but the other is gonna be 22 to hit?

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, that'll hit.

[RED]
If you throw up a Shield, will that...?

[SOPHIA]
I could throw up a Shield.

[RED]
I think that will make your AC 22.

[AUSTIN]
22 will hit her AC.

[RED]
Ahh, never mind.

[SOPHIA]
I'll just take the hit, it's fine. I haven't been hit yet this fight, so.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. You take seven points of piercing damage.

[SOPHIA]
Rough. Ruh-roh!

[RED]
And also, mega poison!

[AUSTIN]
Ahh, poison! No. Please make a concentration check, though, as the one thumps into the metal wall, but another bolt goes right through the glass and catches you right in the shoulder. You had your shoulder perpendicular, so it's just sticking straight out to the left.

[SOPHIA]
Yes. I did not roll high enough to save, but because I am wearing my goggles that are now equipped with the Mind Sharpener Artificer Infusion, I can expend one of its four charges to succeed on that save instead. So I will be doing that.

[AUSTIN]
You see, as she nearly loses the magic, instead the goggles seem to glow and focus your mind through the pain, keeping concentration going, Finbar stays large.

[SOPHIA]
(grunts of pain)

[AUSTIN]
Fuck yeah, that's awesome. VR-LA!

[NOIR]
Okay, VR-LA will use his movement to make sure that the Per Aspera stays alongside the train cars.

[AUSTIN]
Yep, this is your last turn you have to do that.

[NOIR]
Cool! As a bonus action, he will... well, they *were* in perfect line for another Fire Bolt, but now...

[SOPHIA]
Sorry about that. (laughs)
 

[NOIR]
(laughs) I mean, yeah, as a bonus action—

[AUSTIN]
Also, the train's on fire. I just want to remind you about the fire. It's started to spread.

[NOIR]
You're in Hell, this doesn't—

[SOPHIA]
Everything is on fire. We are in Hell.

[RED]
Well, when in Hell...

[NOIR]
(laughs) Exactly. Do as the fiendish do! I think using my bonus action to move the little astral data sphere to the other side of the train car still allows another Fire Bolt in which you can get the remaining...

[AUSTIN]
Oh, another Lightning Bolt? Yeah, go for it. You see the sphere roll straight through all these guys and out the wall, and then no one else sees it because it goes outside, but just turn around, and is gonna shoot right through.

[RED]
Oh, incredible.

[NOIR]
Yep, so the remaining have to make a dexterity saving throw.

[AUSTIN]
Cool. They get a plus... something to this... DEX save, plus two. 18 on one; a 12 at advantage, one of them fails!

[RED]
Ha ha!
 
[NOIR]
Yay.

[AUSTIN]
And... Natural 20 on the last. So, two successes and a fail.

[RED]
Boo.

[NOIR]
Okay. So 26 to whomever failed.

[AUSTIN]
Fuck.

[NOIR]
13, halved.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. Okay, so, this guy had six hit points, and even though he succeeded, goes down, fried. The body begins to char. This one failed, had 15, so he's also gonna go down. This guy was full, and he succeeded, so he's still up. He only lost 13. But yeah, another fire: Finbar, you're now flanked by flames and roasting— oh they smell— I can't express how bad they smell. Like burning oil, like burning grease, these things, as the lightning starts to char.

[RED]
Gross.

[WALLY]
Well, I'm used to burning grease.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, I guess so.

[WALLY]
I hang around Dani all the time.

[SOPHIA]
Hey!

[RED]
Ooh.

[NOIR]
Ouch. I can do this one more time today, because I can only cast a spell through my Awakened Spellbook three times. As many times as my proficiency bonus is.

[AUSTIN]
Well, you'll be able to leave soon, because the train comes to a stop. Kyana: the train stops underneath you; you catch your feet, Subway Surfer style.

[RED]
Yeah. Alright! Well, there's one guy left within arm's reach of me, so let's just wail on him until he stops being there. Attack number one: 15 to hit.

[AUSTIN]
Yep!

[RED]
Okay. Five points of force damage. Second attack: 15 again to hit. And... ugh! Five more points of force damage. This die's going in time out. Stop rolling me ones! Alright. Mm...

[AUSTIN]
This guy's still doing pretty good. This is the first time you've hit him.

[RED]
Do I want to make it so he can't hit me again, or do I want to just punch him really hard more? Eh, why not? Alright, more chip damage. One more ki point to use flurry of blows.

[AUSTIN]
Flurry of blows. It's technically possible to bring him down, but very unlikely.

[RED]
Alright. Don't get my hopes up, brah.
 
[SOPHIA]
You got this.

[RED]
That's another 15 to hit. They're so close to 20s, why are they doing this to me? Alright, d6 plus four... (dice clatters) Oh! Nine points of force damage, that's a little better. And fourth and final attack. (dice clatters, then thonks) Stop going in the drawer. These dice are really making me look bad today. (dice clatters)

[AUSTIN]
It's okay, we'll edit this out in post.

[SOPHIA]
Hey.

[RED]
(laughs) I wish you could crit on 19s and 20s in this version, but no. No, it's a natural 19, which means an adjusted 26. Someday, baby.

[AUSTIN]
You should've been a champion.

[WALLY]
Quick dip into Hexblade?

[RED]
Eight points of force damage.

[AUSTIN]
Eight. So close, but it's not quite enough to bring them down.

[RED]
Dang it! Okay, well, that's me done. I did all four of my punches.

[AUSTIN]
Fin, now giant-sized with the Fomorian Gauntlets, making your arms comically huge, what would you like to do?

[WALLY]
I'm gonna whack 'em.

[SOPHIA]
Yes, Finbar!

[AUSTIN]
"I'm gonna wreck it!"

[WALLY]
He's gonna say, "You hurt my friends." and just bonk.

[SOPHIA]
(laughs)

[RED]
Bonk!

[WALLY]
(dice clatters) That's a natural 16.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah.

[WALLY]
A total of... something high.

[SOPHIA]
Add a lot of d4s together.

[WALLY]
24.

[AUSTIN]
The question is, can you roll high enough to kill this guy in one hit?

[WALLY]
We'll see! Okay, so weapon damage first: ten total. Swarm damage now is a d6... an extra three?

[AUSTIN]
Okay yeah, not quite enough.

[SOPHIA]
Aw.

[RED]
Aw.

[WALLY]
Fuck. Well, I don't do a whole lot of damage.

[AUSTIN]
He's so close, too.

[WALLY]
Bonus action... I don't have another weapon. I will Healing Word Kyana.

[RED]
I can't be healed right now because of the poison.

[WALLY]
I don't know that.

[RED]
Oh, you're so right. Okay.

[AUSTIN]
But, the good thing is that you can also use your Chalice to bounce back healing; so even if you spend a spell slot, you can still do a little healing to yourself.

[WALLY]
Cool. I mean, it would have been—

[AUSTIN]
Oh, I'm sorry! Actually, Kyana: please make another CON save at the end of your turn.

[RED]
Oh! Okay.

[AUSTIN]
If you succeed, you could be healed. It's DC 12.

[RED]
What's my friggin' CON save... Okay. Ugh, nine again.

[AUSTIN]
Sorry. Yeah.

[RED]
Yeah.

[WALLY]
Okay. It would've been a juicy nine points. But this is a Chalice... not great. Six hit points.

[AUSTIN]
That's not bad.

[RED]
Better than zero hit points.

[WALLY]
Yeah. Cool, that's my turn.

[AUSTIN]
Alright. Beard devils are gonna get one final go.

[RED]
Come at us, bro.

[AUSTIN]
Alright. (dice rolls) Beard misses Dani. Kyana, 16 to hit? Misses with the glaive?

[RED]
It misses *just* barely.

[AUSTIN]
Alright. Two attacks on Finbar.

[WALLY]
Here we go.

[AUSTIN]
Beard is gonna miss, and then the glaive is gonna be 21 to hit.

[WALLY]
Yeah, that hits.

[AUSTIN]
That's max damage. That's 12 points of slashing damage— I'm sorry, 13 points?

[WALLY]
I'm down.

[NOIR]
Are you kidding??

[AUSTIN]
Oh no!

[SOPHIA]
No, Finbar!

[RED]
Wait, sorry, what did you say? 13?

[AUSTIN]
13 points of slashing damage to Finbar.

[RED]
Ahh!

[WALLY]
Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
The beard missed, which is good. There's not going to be any death saves, but...

[RED]
Ah, crap.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah.
 
[NOIR]
Did we establish whether or not we actually bought healing potions?

[RED]
I have healing potions, do not worry!

[WALLY]
I still have mine too.

[AUSTIN]
I told you guys you could buy two each, at the price. Yeah. The devil gets a lucky hit through; Finbar, you slump down.

[RED]
Crap.

[AUSTIN]
Still huge, but unable to fight back for the time being.

[WALLY]
I believe the Starry Form drops as well.

[AUSTIN]
I think it would, if you go unconscious.

[WALLY]
Incapacitated, die, yep.

[SOPHIA]
Alright, well, that's not great. So first things first, I'm gonna bonus action fire at that guy that's flanking Finbar.

[AUSTIN]
Go for it. If you hit him, he's out.

[SOPHIA]
A dirty 20 to hit.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah.
 
[RED]
Phew!

[AUSTIN]
Boom! After he puts the glaive in, Finbar goes down. And as he raises it above his head to stab into Finbar for the killing blow, his head just pulps as force sends his beard flying,

[RED]
Eww. and headless, slumps to the ground.

[SOPHIA]
Get outta there! Kyana, do you got Finbar, or do I get Finbar?

[RED]
I got him, I got him!

[SOPHIA]
Alright. Just gotta kill this guy first.

[SOPHIA]
Dani is straddling two cars right now. (laughs) So the one I just fired into: turning to face the other one, it looks like it's like a storage car of some sort? Do I have any sense of what's in there, besides enemies?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. There's crates, there's some barrels, there's racks. You can see there's weapon racks in the back. Everything's chained down to keep them from sliding around.

[SOPHIA]
Okay. 'Cause there's this car and then there's one smaller car at the end. And my gut is telling me that by train logic, the fuel is in the small one at the end, and that's what we're here for. So I think I'm gonna take the chance on that. I want to climb back on top of the car.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. you climb back on top.

[SOPHIA]
So that's...

[NOIR]
But if we kill all the enemies, we can take the motorbikes.

[AUSTIN]
Ten feet. Uh, 20 feet, 'cause it's double movement to climb.

[SOPHIA]
I literally don't think I could do any damage to them because I only have fire spells. (laughs) So I might as well investigate.

[RED]
Bro...

[SOPHIA]
So 20 feet up, and then I'll go to 20 over; and I'll just use my action to dash to keep running along the car top.

[AUSTIN]
Okay!

[SOPHIA]
I get to the edge and then I still have five feet of movement. I assume I don't have enough movement to jump down into the motorcycle platform?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, you're probably gonna want to do that on your next turn.

[SOPHIA]
Alright, then I will just wait on the edge of the car, on the rooftop. Brace for impact!

[AUSTIN]
Momentum is carrying you. At the end of your turn, it's not like you stop and wait six seconds.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah. As the six-second round ends, you're building momentum to jump down. Cool! The merregon are up, lemme double-check their intelligence. Minus two! They're gonna chase you instead of going to where you're going.

[RED]
Oh, thank goodness.

[SOPHIA]
Get fucked!

[NOIR]
Sorry, wait, wait, wait—

[SOPHIA]
Dani is the bait now!

[AUSTIN]
15, 20, 25, 30, he just gets to the top of the dash, which means the other guy gets the same.

[NOIR]
Wait, they go around—

[SOPHIA]
They go through the cars!

[AUSTIN]
They're going all the way around, yeah.

[NOIR]
(laughs)

[AUSTIN]
I mean, no one sees it 'cause no one's in there, but they both look at each other with these blank, horrid baby masks, shrug—

[WALLY]
(laughs)

[AUSTIN]
—and then just take off running. I mean, technically, they didn't see her run above them, so she could have run back, they don't know that. It's not *completely* idiotic thinking machines.

[WALLY]
Could they have heard her?

[SOPHIA]
Heard my heavy footfalls of workman's boots hitting the top of the metal car? (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
I already told you: the train's really loud.

[WALLY]
Oh, true.

[AUSTIN]
And also they're stupid.

[SOPHIA]
Yes. I like to imagine this is just that opening scene from one of the James Bond movies where they're fighting on top of the train. Dani whips around, there's the two goons up top, and I'm like, "This is exactly what I was hoping for!" (laughs)

[RED]
Yes!

[AUSTIN]
Yep!

[RED]
Adjust the cufflinks.

[AUSTIN]
VR-LA, you see one bearded devil still in the train car. Also, if you want to get up and run out of the ship, the ship can stop now.

[NOIR]
Yeah, I would like to stop the ship. Could I position the Per Aspera over the second train car so when I hop off, I could essentially be in between Dani and the little baby face peoples?

[AUSTIN]
I don't know if you're above it for movement, but it's so badass, I'm going to say yes, please.

[SOPHIA]
Yes!

[RED]
Yes!

[NOIR]
Okay, cool!

[AUSTIN]
I'm gonna say you're out of movement to do that. Where you land, that's where you are.

[SOPHIA]
Come on, VR-LA!

[NOIR]
I will then put myself right in front of them.

[SOPHIA]
(laughs) Yeah!

[AUSTIN]
Oh, Jesus Christ. Hello there!

[NOIR]
I will say, "Hello! I am VR-LA." I will go, as I go give a little hearty pat on the shoulder, cast Shocking Grasp.

[RED]
Ha!

[NOIR]
It looks like they're wearing metal, right?

[AUSTIN]
I believe they are are, I'll let you know mechanically.

[NOIR]
Okay. Because I have advantage on the attack roll if they are.
 
[AUSTIN]
It says they're wearing natural armor? But also in the lore says that they wear, mask of metal? So I'm gonna ahead and say that... lemme just double-check real quick. "Wears a metal mask bolted to it's head." In the lore it says that, so I'm gonna go ahead and say this counts.

[NOIR]
Sure! Yeah. Alright: melee spell attack, 2d8 lightning damage if it hits. I'll be attacking the one on the right, so the red one. Okay, with advantage...

[AUSTIN]
These guys are a little harder to hit than the other ones.

[NOIR]
Yeah, fair enough.

[RED]
Mm. That's a three... here's hoping with advantage? What do I have? That's an eight. So plus... seven? 15?

[AUSTIN]
15 will just miss.

[SOPHIA]
No!

[RED]
No!

[AUSTIN]
Do you have inspiration?

[NOIR]
I do not.

[SOPHIA]
I do. Could I give my inspiration to VR-LA?

[AUSTIN]
Will I allow transitive inspirations? As a transaction?

[RED]
By way of a pun, perhaps?

[SOPHIA]
Train-sitive inspiration?

[RED]
(as Dani) "That's pretty shocking, right??"

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, go for it! Go for it!

[NOIR]
Aww, yay!

[AUSTIN]
Go for it. Roll a— what is a bard's inspiration at this level, a d6 or a d8?

[SOPHIA]
At level six? I think it's still a d6.

[AUSTIN]
I mean, it doesn't matter. If you roll a one, you succeed, so.

[NOIR]
I rolled exactly a one.

[RED]
Ha!

[AUSTIN]
You succeed.

[RED]
Woo-hoo!

[NOIR]
I gotta change my dice out or something.

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead and roll your damage. Lightning damage.

[NOIR]
Yeah, so 2d8. Oh, that's an eight! Oh, okay! So 13 points of lightning damage.

[AUSTIN]
Okay!

[RED]
Yes!

[AUSTIN]
(lightning pulse) A shock.

[NOIR]
To the red one.

[AUSTIN]
These guys are untouched, so they're still pretty hardy. Is that your turn?

[NOIR]
Yep! I guess...

[RED]
Does your little spheroid guy get to do anything, or...?

[NOIR]
Actually, yeah. As a bonus action, I will move my little spheroid 30 feet, which I think should get him just inside the second car.

[AUSTIN]
He can go through anything, so you can put him wherever you want.

[NOIR]
He can't move through objects, he can't walk through walls.

[AUSTIN]
Oh he can't? I'm sorry, I thought he could.

[NOIR]
Yeah. He can walk through creatures, though. But cannot walk through walls.

[SOPHIA]
Little cutie.

[AUSTIN]
Got it, so he rolls through the doors, though. Yeah, cool.

[SOPHIA]
Sweet, spherical boy.

[AUSTIN]
The train is done. Kyana, it's your turn. You've got one guy left in front of you, and a bleeding out Finbar behind.

[RED]
Yep. Ehh, I gotta take out this guy before I deal with Finbar! Okay, I'm gonna punch him. No, that's the first time I've rolled badly on this attack! That's only an 11 to hit.

[AUSTIN]
This guy is clearly, maybe more trained than the other ones, 'cause he has held out this entire fight. He's been the one mostly hitting you. And yeah, one fist goes right past his face as he dodges, parries with the glaive.

[RED]
Dangit! Alright, second attack. (heh!) (dice clatters) Oh, okay, okay. Dirty 20 to hit.

[AUSTIN]
That'll hit.

[SOPHIA]
Fuck him up!

[RED]
That's not too bad. Seven points of force damage.

[AUSTIN]
Boom! You manage to catch him and bring him down.
 
[RED]
Oh, thank goodness! Okay, then I'm gonna scooch over to Finbar and use my bonus action to give him one of my health potions.

[AUSTIN]
I believe it's an action to apply a potion to someone else.

[RED]
What?? Boo. Alright, then I guess I'll do that next round...? Right?

[AUSTIN]
You can, yes.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, it's a bonus action to drink one yourself, and an action to administer it to someone else.

[RED]
Alright.

[AUSTIN]
Please make a CON save for the poison.

[RED]
Oh, that's right. Okay.

[AUSTIN]
There you go! Yeah, the heat of battle seemingly ends, for you at least. And you're able to take a moment and shake off the worst of the poison effects, kneel besides the large form of Finbar. Unless you have a bonus action, Finbar, please make me a death save.

[SOPHIA]
Ahh!

[RED]
Ahh!

[NOIR]
Ahh!
 
[SOPHIA]
C'mon, Finbar!

[WALLY]
Here we go. C'mon, c'mon. (dice clatters)

[RED]
Why're you stressing me out, man?

[SOPHIA]
♪ (quietly hums Jaws theme) ♪

[WALLY]
Uhh, nat one?

[RED]
(shouting) Bro!!

[SOPHIA]
(shouting) No!!

[NOIR]
(shouting) Are you kidding me??

[AUSTIN]
That's two fails.

[RED]
Oh my god.

[AUSTIN]
The infernal wound left upon him is just—

[RED]
Son of a—

[AUSTIN]
—seeping way faster than any wound should.

[NOIR]
It's fine! It's fine, Kyana's there!

[SOPHIA]
Kyana!

[RED]
Get through the combat round quickly, so I can feed him this potion, please!

[NOIR]
It's fine, she's there! We're good! We're good, right?

[SOPHIA]
Oh no, Austin said he was gonna kill off a PC in episode two. We just— we didn't realize which PC!

[AUSTIN]
Dani, it's your go.

[SOPHIA]
Alright.

[AUSTIN]
You have no idea what's happening below; all you know is that your wizard is currently faced off with two heavily armored fiends.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah. So, Dani's just hitting the edge of this train car in her stride. She's gonna spin around on her heel, I'm gonna use my bonus action to fire off the Force Ballista at one of the two fiends next to VR-LA.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. Red or blue?

[SOPHIA]
Blue. And it's a natural 20!

[NOIR]
Nice.

[RED]
Ooh!
 
[AUSTIN]
Fuck yeah. Remember, that adds the max damage.

[SOPHIA]
Yes. So the max damage for the Force Ballista is... actually this is a thing I need to look at right now, 'cause every time I use this thing, I forget how much damage it does.

[AUSTIN]
It's 2d8 plus 19.

[SOPHIA]
Yes.

[RED]
Hoh hoh hoh hoh hoh!

[SOPHIA]
So that is gonna be 28 points of force damage and it gets pushed five feet back, which would technically be off the train car.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. He's going to take a d6 falling damage. As he goes, he's gonna end up down here...

[NOIR]
...Right where Finbar is.

[RED]
Crap!

[SOPHIA]
Ooh... Shit!

[RED]
(shouting) Guys!!

[NOIR]
(laughs) (shouting) And it's their turn! It's their turn!!

[SOPHIA]
No!!

[AUSTIN]
Three. Minus three.

[RED]
Swear to god...

[AUSTIN]
Boom! Prone. This guy's not doing good, though. You really fucked him up. Dani, any actions?

[NOIR]
God, I hope that they're stupid enough to just go back after Dani.

[SOPHIA]
Yes—

[RED]
They are very stupid.

[AUSTIN]
They have a six intelligence, I think that's as dumb as a wolf.

[RED]
(laughs)

[SOPHIA]
Just like, "Heh heh! Suck it!" I'll yell in Primordial. So turning on my heel and looking back, 'cause I still have my movement and my action. So there's the motorcycle car directly in front of me, and then there's the other car behind it? Is that car covered on top, or is it open in the back. The caboose.

[AUSTIN]
It's covered on top.

[SOPHIA]
Okay. Yeah. So I'm gonna jump down onto the motorcycle car.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. You're going to take a little bit of jump damage, 'cause it's ten feet.

[SOPHIA]
That's fine, that's fine. (dice thunks) You take three points of falling damage.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, we can take that L.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, there's two bikes and a... I believe it's a Tormentor? Hold on. Tormentor, yeah! Two bikes and a Tormentor in front of you.

[SOPHIA]
Dani has to, like,—

[NOIR]
It's called a *Tormentor*? Holy shit.

[SOPHIA]
Dani has to take a minute to be like, "Calm down, Dani. Stay focused on the job. You're gonna get that 30 minutes with the motorcycle if you do this right." And then I will charge on past them.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, you can move through them. They're not enemies, they're just objects.

[SOPHIA]
I will use my action to dash to get to this last car, 'cause it feels like the caboose should be where the fuel is stored, right?

[RED]
And hopefully there's nothing in it. So I wanna look inside and see if I see the coins we're looking for.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. It's like, secretly the big bad is in there. Dani just found a balgura or something.

[RED]
Yeah, the Balrog in the trunk.

[NOIR]
Ay, yay yay yay yay.

[AUSTIN]
You throw open the door.

[RED]
Dammit!

[AUSTIN]
You see—

[NOIR]
Oh. No no! That's a...

[AUSTIN]
You see a cage. A lone cage and chest. A figure chained: gaunt, yellowish skin, pointed ears, a faint trace of a mustache. Robes pulled open as if recently searched and not returned back. You see a githzerai captive in the back of this cart.

[SOPHIA]
Wait, wait! I speak Gith!

[AUSTIN]
That ends your turn.

[RED]
(laughs) With a ridiculous accent!

[AUSTIN]
You can speak Gith on your next turn!

[NOIR]
(poorly) ¿Dónde está la biblioteca?

[WALLY]
(laughs) Oh, no.

[AUSTIN]
She's just like, "The engine?"

[SOPHIA]
I'll throw open the door, see the gith in there, register that he's tied up. "Do you have any fuel coins?" I'll say in Gith.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
No, we'll do that on your next turn.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, yeah.

[RED]
Talking: not a free action.

[AUSTIN]
So the merregon is gonna make three attacks with its halberd. Against Finbar.

[RED]
No!

[AUSTIN]
Oh sorry, not against Finbar.

[SOPHIA]
VR-LA.

[RED]
No scaring me like that, man!

[NOIR]
VR-LA. *VR-LA*.

[SOPHIA]
Oh my god.

[AUSTIN]
VR-LA. Here we go, three attacks. (dice rolls)

[NOIR]
Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
That's— crap! The highest I rolled was a seven! 13 to hit?

[RED]
Ha!!

[NOIR]
Sorry?

[AUSTIN]
Does a 13 hit you?

[NOIR]
It would, but I cast reaction to cast Shield.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, Shield! This is the party of Shield users!

[AUSTIN]
Oh, you son of a bitch. Alright. Well, the other guy's gonna get up. These guys can't communicate, they have no mouths, it's part of their lore. They're like rank and file. They are bodyguard units. So they're always gonna fight together. So the other guy's gonna join his buddy.

[RED]
Phew!

[AUSTIN]
I'm gonna roll three more times to see if I can hit the squishy wizard with the halberds! Okay, that's better. But it's probably still not gonna be enough 'cause I think your Shield's— the highest I rolled is... 17 to hit you?

[NOIR]
That does hit; my armor class is now effectively 16.

[AUSTIN]
Okay.

[RED]
Aww.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, so I hit once.

[NOIR]
Okay!

[RED]
Okay. Could be worse.

[AUSTIN]
I rolled very high on the damage; it's 13 slashing damage.

[NOIR]
Oof! That's like, a third of my health.

[RED]
No! Wait, oh right. You have more health than me. That's. That's fun.

[AUSTIN]
I don't think it's gonna come up. They have a fun ability where they can take hits. They're bodyguards, they can take hits for people who get hit near them, but they're not gonna take a hit for another bodyguard, so it didn't really work out. (laughs)

[NOIR]
Mm. Okay.

[AUSTIN]
Where they can throw themselves If you try and kill the big bad, they can throw themselves in the way to die instead. But these guys are just getting whacked. One gets a lucky cut through your arcane ward. But for the most part, these guys are just so confused. Blue is not doing great. Red is also hurt, but not by much.

[NOIR]
Okay, okay. Yeah, this is narratively cool! I'm gonna back up a whole 30 feet.

[AUSTIN]
Okay! Take an attack of opportunity from both of them.

[RED]
Bro. Bro.

[NOIR]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
(dice rolls) Ugh. It's a one and a six.

[NOIR]
Yeah!

[AUSTIN]
Does a 12 hit you?

[NOIR]
A 12 will, I believe. 'Cause Shield ends at the beginning of my turn, is it?

[AUSTIN]
Double-check. But if it does, then one will hit. Unless you cast Shield again.

[WALLY]
A lot of low rolls tonight. Oh my gosh.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah.

[RED]
Yeah.

[NOIR]
Wait, can I cast Shield?

[AUSTIN]
You can cast, it's just that you won't have a reaction for the rest of the round if you use it on your turn. But yeah, your reaction comes back at the start of your turn.

[NOIR]
Yeah, okay! Start of my turn. Yeah, I'll Shield again, yeah!

[RED]
And then wont it last for the rest of the cycle? 'Till it comes back to your turn?

[AUSTIN]
It will last for the whole round now, yes.

[RED]
Perfect!

[NOIR]
Okay. Yeah, so I back up the full 30 feet, which I believe allows me to un-telescope my Staff of the Clockwork Swarm. And then the 20-foot radius... (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. They're gonna eat this thing. It's a CON save? They're okay at CON.

[RED]
And they're not gonna reach inside here and damage Finbar, right?

[NOIR]
That's the thing, right? 'Cause it's a 20-foot *radius*...

[AUSTIN]
You can put it so that it's in the air above them.

[RED]
I think he's gonna be just out of range, but yeah.

[NOIR]
Yeah, so I wanna—

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, you can hit just them pretty trivially.

[NOIR]
Yeah, this is it.
 
[AUSTIN]
Yeah.

[RED]
It is gonna make it a little harder for us to get up and damage them.

[AUSTIN]
With advantage, that's one save. And with advantage... it's gonna be both save.

[NOIR]
Okay. So then half of 4d10 piercing damage.

[AUSTIN]
That still might take. We'll see.

[NOIR]
17 points of piercing damage, halved to eight.

[AUSTIN]
Eight. Yeah, it's not quite enough. Blue is doing real bad, though, as you see the clockwork beetles fully eat into the armor.

[NOIR]
But now this thing is up there, now.

[RED]
Great!

[AUSTIN]
Yes. Concentration going. Kyana.

[RED]
Okay! (claps) Action! Finbar's getting a potion of healing!

[AUSTIN]
Alright, that's 2d4 plus two. Go ahead and roll.

[RED]
Okay. Lemme just find my d4s. (rummaging) Ugh, c'mon man. Six— eight total.

[AUSTIN]
Finbar: from two death saves, magical healing enters your body.

[RED]
Son of a— (sighs) Okay. Awesome. Everything else in this train car is dead, but there is now a swarm of insects between me and getting into the next car.

[NOIR]
Can I have retroactively placed the sphere—

[AUSTIN]
It's high up. I assume you just want to get the air and not the train cars.

[NOIR]
Yeah, basically. How tall is the train car?

[AUSTIN]
I'd count them at 10 feet, they're probably closer to 15 feet.

[NOIR]
Okay, yeah.

[AUSTIN]
You could put it in the air and the bottom of this cloud is just brushing the top of the train car.

[NOIR]
That's what I was envisioning, yeah. So I guess if Kyana were to enter the train car, she can see—

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. Kyana could totally enter the train car.

[NOIR]
—the edge of the insect swarm.

[RED]
Okay. But I also really do not— I don't want to leave our squishy wizard up on top of the train, alone with two bad guys.
 
[SOPHIA]
Just wedge yourself between the cars.

[AUSTIN]
Oh wait, you have a 10-foot reach, right?

[RED]
Yes. I'm thinking I could put myself on top of the train, right outside—

[AUSTIN]
If you can climb up here, you can punch.

[RED]
Right.

[AUSTIN]
You just gotta climb up.

[RED]
Finbar, you gonna be good to heal yourself?

[WALLY]
Uh yeah, nah. You did good kid, I got this from here.

[RED]
Okay, awesome. I'm gonna pop up to make sure VR-LA doesn't die.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. What kind of speed do you have?

[NOIR]
I am okay!

[RED]
I currently— oh, wait, you know what? If you had the movement spell on me, it probably dropped. So it's only 45 feet.

[WALLY]
Nope, it's non-concentration.

[RED]
Ha! 55 feet!

[AUSTIN]
The only reason you could do it, it's 40 feet and then ten feet up is 50, which would normally be— you'd add another ten because climbing is double, but you have the Boots of Spider Climb, so you're able to just make it there. Unfortunately, you did use your action, so there's no punching gonna happen this turn.

[RED]
So my bonus action, I'm gonna dodge! I haven't done that before, but I want to make it harder for these guys to hit me if they choose to.

[SOPHIA]
Hell yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, definitely do that.

[RED]
Perfect.

[AUSTIN]
Their halberds are long, so you definitely think they could poke ya. Fin, you're up.

[RED]
Please heal yourself. Eight hit points is not enough hit points.

[WALLY]
♪ (humming) ♪ I am very big. Can I climb up here?

[SOPHIA]
You are still large. (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, totally.

[WALLY]
Cool. I'm going to pull out my cube—

[AUSTIN]
You get up from prone...

[WALLY]
Oh right, no you're right.

[AUSTIN]
It's pretty tough. You can get up there with an action, definitely. With an action to dash.

[WALLY]
Action... uhh, then it's not worth it. Okay, never mind.

[AUSTIN]
If you can get to over here, it'd be pretty hard to get out the door, but you might be able to get a line of sight on one of the guys up there. They'd have pretty hefty cover.

[NOIR]
The area within the insect swarm is also considered lightly obscured.

[RED]
Augh!

[AUSTIN]
I think that just adds to their cover. It's already three-quarters covered, it can't get any better than that.

[WALLY]
Oh yeah, no, there's no way I can hit any of these guys then. Cool! I will use my last 2nd-level spell slot and do a Cure Wounds on myself.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. Yeah, that's pretty sweet. Devils are done. Dani!

[SOPHIA]
The fuck?

[AUSTIN]
You find yourself standing in a small, heavily armored, iron, a little car in the back, the caboose.

[SOPHIA]
Well, you're not fuel.

[RED]
Pfft.

[AUSTIN]
"...No, I am not fuel. Who, might I ask, are you?"

[SOPHIA]
I'm Dani. Me and my friends are robbing this train to steal little coins, fuel pellets— you haven't seen any around, have you?

[AUSTIN]
"I'm sorry, I— when the train stopped, I assumed I was to be killed. And then when someone else opened the door, I thought it was perhaps to be rescued. Was not expecting to be asked directions."

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
"What are you looking for?"

[SOPHIA]
They're like, fuel pellets for those bikes that are out front. Y'know.

[AUSTIN]
"The soul coins?"

[SOPHIA]
Is that what they're called?

[AUSTIN]
"*I* think I know, it doesn't seem like you're sure."

[SOPHIA]
I'm sorry, Gith isn't my first language, I might just be forgetting the word. You know how it is.

[WALLY]
(laughs)

[SOPHIA]
Soul coins. Do you know where they are on this train?

[RED]
This guy's having a weirder day than average, I expect.

[AUSTIN]
He looks at you, looks up, says, "Cut me down, I will help you how I can."

[SOPHIA]
Alright.

(laughter)

[SOPHIA]
Dani's holding the door open, one hand on her cannon. And is just like, "Uhh yeah, this seems like a pretty safe bet."

[AUSTIN]
He's all chained up, it's going to take a hot sec for you to—

[SOPHIA]
Well, funny you should say the word 'hot', because I have a lot of fire spells. Can I try and, like, blow torch through some of the chains? Like a Produce Flame or something?

[RED]
Not everyone is heat-resistant.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah? Doing damage to the chain's probably a lot faster, but you can certainly try fire damage, than just trying to melt through it. Either way, it might take some time. What are you planning to do with your action? What would you like to do?

[SOPHIA]
I'll walk over to the guy, start trying to unchain him. Yeah, I don't really have any better ways to do damage, so I'll just Produce Flame. Or better yet, I'll stand five feet back and I'll fire a Fire Bolt at the chains.

[RED]
Bro.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah. And I'll fire from my multi-tool so I can add my Arcane Firearm damage to it. Dani doesn't have a lot of tricks. Dani's just very good at one thing. (dice rolls)

[RED]
Wonder what that feels like.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah. It's 18 points of fire damage to the chain.

[AUSTIN]
Roll to hit first.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, right, fuck.

[RED]
C'mon, man.

[SOPHIA]
Okay, not bad. Gonna be a 22 to hit.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, that'll smoke one of them holding one of his wrists. He pulls it free. "Okay, the other?" And we'll move on to the next turn as you're dealing with that. The merregons. Okay yeah, cool. One of them's gonna move forward to confront VR-LA and the other's gonna spin and attack Kyana.

[NOIR]
It is difficult terrain within the sphere's area.

[AUSTIN]
It is?? Oh, well, this guy can't get there then. So he's gonna take one step, realize it's terrible, turn back, and try to hit Kyana too.

[RED]
Okay, alright, come at me. Disadvantage! Dodging!

[AUSTIN]
Six attacks at disadvantage.

[RED]
Six??

[NOIR]
Oh, fuck!

[AUSTIN]
That's a ten to hit?

[WALLY]
They hit three times.

[AUSTIN]
That's an 11 to hit?

[RED]
Nope, nope.

[AUSTIN]
That's a 12 to hit?

[RED]
Nope. But they're slowly getting better.

[NOIR]
But her aim is getting better!

[AUSTIN]
That's a 12 to hit, that's an eight to hit?

[RED]
Nope.

[AUSTIN]
Ugh, geez. A 15 to hit was the best I ever rolled.

[RED]
Ooh, that's a shame. That's two points too low!
 
[AUSTIN]
I rolled so good, too— on the other dice that don't get counted, I rolled two 20s.

[RED]
I'm dodging every round from now on! Screw those extra two punches.

[AUSTIN]
Blades coming through: dodge, dodge, jump over, Matrix lean back. These halberds could not hit, even in their currently powered forms.

[RED]
Oh, this feels like it looks really cool.

[AUSTIN]
VR-LA, do they take damage again on their turn or on your turn?

[NOIR]
If they end their turn within the sphere's area, they have to make another constitution saving throw or take 4d10 piercing damage.

[SOPHIA]
Ooh!

[AUSTIN]
Advantage... success and a success.

[NOIR]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
But I'm pretty sure you're gonna kill blue.

[RED]
Do they take half that? Yeah, they're gonna take half. What did you roll before?

[NOIR]
Oh shoot, I don't remember. 17, halved to eight, yeah.
 
[AUSTIN]
Yeah. Blue takes his attacks, and then you see the beetles fully get in there and just shred.

[SOPHIA]
Like in The Mummy (1999)!

[RED]
(laughs)

[AUSTIN]
Yes! A perfect movie.

[RED]
Horrifying.

[AUSTIN]
Inspiration!

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, shreds. And VR-LA, you're up.

[NOIR]
Okay. VR-LA's just gonna leave that there. As his bonus action, first of all, he's going to move his little guy 30 feet forward.

[RED]
Trundle trundle trundle.

[NOIR]
(mechanical whirring)

[RED]
(robot beep-boops)

[NOIR]
And then VR-LA will use his movement. I think he can just leave this here. It is concentration, but he could just leave it there, the Insect Plague.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, why not? Can he move five, ten, and then hop down the hatch and then get into here, into the train car?

[AUSTIN]
Absolutely. Go ahead and drop yourself in the appropriate square.

[NOIR]
Okay. I'll put that there. VR-LA would just like to— the closest box or chest, he'd like to just kind of try and crack it open and see what's inside.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, basically everything here is chained down, so you're either gonna have to break it or try to pick the lock. But you can try, if you wanna use an action to.

[NOIR]
Yeah. I don't think he has, VR-LA will try to break it. He does have a quarterstaff so he will— well, I guess for flavor I'll say that he uses the Staff of the Clockwork Swarm as a quarterstaff.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, it can function as a quarterstaff. You could also cast a spell if you want to, onto it.

[NOIR]
What do I have?

[SOPHIA]
Careful, things are resistant to fire damage here.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
Only the people.

[RED]
Yeah.
 
[NOIR]
Well, I could Burning Hands it; but nah, I think I'll just bonk it with my staff.

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead and crack.

[WALLY]
Give it a whack.

[RED]
Yeah. Smack it!

[NOIR]
(dice clatters) Ehh, that's an 11?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, we'll go ahead and say that's okay. Y'know— is it prone?

[RED]
This padlock can really dodge.

[SOPHIA]
(laughs)

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead. Using your action, you can smash it open. I'm not gonna be a stickler and make you sit here for several rounds, smashing it.

[RED]
Take 20.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. It's one thing for freeing an ally, a potential ally, I guess. It's another to just open a box.

[NOIR]
Sure, yeah.

[AUSTIN]
So yeah. You crack open the padlock and look inside.

[NOIR]
Anything in here? In the crate? Yeah, this metal-lined crate is lined with rows and rows of gold coins, maybe about medallion-sized? They're bigger than gold you'd carry in your pocket, but not by too much. And on one side of them, if you pick one up, is a skull; and the other has Infernal writing on the back.

[NOIR]
What does it say? I can read Infernal.

[AUSTIN]
It's not writing, it's more like a rune. It's not a word. But go ahead, make an arcana check. You're a wizard and you speak Infernal. So those are the two ingredients you need to crack this.

[NOIR]
Ooh. No, it's good. 22!

[AUSTIN]
You look at this and as you pick it up, you feel a weight. Actually, what alignment is VR-LA?

[NOIR]
Before the incident, I would say that he was very much lawful good. I think now he's trying to go more like true neutral. Like, get a bit of column A, get a bit of column B, see what see what the Planescape has in store.

[AUSTIN]
With true neutral it's not too bad; but you certainly feel like— almost like a weight on your shoulders when you pick it up, like you're lifting the coin not with your hand, but with your whole body. This is a rune that that is binding a mortal soul to this metal.

[RED]
Guys, I think these satanic motorbikes might be evil.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, you're able to deduce that if the coins are what runs the bikes and the other machines? Yeah, they run on not coins, but souls with coins, bound coins.

[RED]
Coins with souls, yeah.

[NOIR]
I'm kind of just imagining a kiddie ride, where you'd insert a token.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, right? I didn't want to be the one to say it, I'm so glad someone else did.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
Except you hear the horrible screaming of a soul being destroyed forever when you do.

[NOIR]
VR-LA's true neutral, Noir is not.

[AUSTIN]
That ends your turn, VR-LA? Cool.

[NOIR]
Yep.

[AUSTIN]
Kyana?

[SOPHIA]
Take 'em out. Take 'em out!

[RED]
Yeah, I'm gonna smacky this boy. d20 plus seven to hit. (dice clatters) Oh my god. That's a ten, because that was a laughably bad roll.

[AUSTIN]
That'll miss.

[WALLY]
Lotta bad rolls tonight, gee.

 
[RED]
Oh, I know. Second attack. (dice clatters)

[WALLY]
Kinda like we're, uh... Rolling with Difficulty.

[SOPHIA]
Ba-dum tss.

[AUSTIN]
Yay! (guitar riff)

[RED]
Rolling with Difficulty!

[NOIR]
Rolling with Difficulty!

[SOPHIA]
Rolling with Difficulty.

[RED]
Alright, that's six points of force damage.

[AUSTIN]
Alright, six. Boom, good chunk off this guy. He's in spitting distance.

[RED]
Alright, then I will burn my ki point to Flurry of Blows this bad boy and smack him two more times. Just mark this off. I'm gonna be pretty embarrassed if I miss. Okay, here we go.

[SOPHIA]
Come on, Kyana! (heh!) I'm trying! (dice clatters) Okay, dirty 20.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. Go ahead and roll your second to hit as well.
 
[RED]
Oh, okay. But I also rolled max damage on that one. (dice clatters) Okay. That's a 24 to hit. So I hit both times; and the first attack does ten points of force damage, and the second attack does seven points of force damage.

[AUSTIN]
Finish him. How does he go down?

[RED]
Probably just punch through his face, I don't know.

[AUSTIN]
(laughs) Boom! The mask is real creepy. The mask goes flying off. They have a dark purplish skin, sort of Thanos-style, kind of color skin. Underneath the mask where there should be a face, is instead a blank head with the vague indentations of where eyes and mouth and nose should be. Just featureless.

[WALLY]
Nope. Mm-mm. Don't like that.

[RED]
Eugh.

[AUSTIN]
Which you see for a brief second, before the neck twists and cracks, and the thing falls down.

[RED]
Oh, I wish I left the mask on, okay. So that's my action and my bonus action. Can I use my movement to drop down into the car below?

[AUSTIN]
You can use your movement to do anything you like. Combat drops as the final active combatant is removed from the field.

[RED]
Awesome.

[AUSTIN]
Congrats, guys.

[SOPHIA]
"Yeah, so as I was saying, y'know, we were here to steal some soul coins—" and Dani'll fire the other Fire Bolt at the other chain.

[AUSTIN]
Yes! With some time you're able to free the githzerai, pulls down the second wrist. "Thank you for your aid. I was not expecting... anything. I'm certain that this is my... Well, the bill had eventually come."

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, well, honestly, you got pretty lucky that we went with the plan that we did go with, because we were gonna just, like, capsize the whole train. So that probably would've fucked you up pretty bad.

[RED]
Bro, you gotta also let him out of the cage.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
"Capsizing with the train would be preferable to whatever the devils had planned for me."

[SOPHIA]
I'll open the door to the cage.

[AUSTIN]
"Thank you."

[RED]
We're gonna scooch back into the— I know I'm at least heading where Dani went, just to make sure there's nothing in the later cars.

[WALLY]
I'm too tired to try to fit in between this door and I go, "Dani, can you— change— I—"

[SOPHIA]
It probably would drop because it only lasts for a minute anyway.
 
[AUSTIN]
Yeah. More than a minute passes.

[RED]
Okay. Phew!

[AUSTIN]
Kyana, you go join. The gith exits the cage, gives you a very formal bow, goes over to the crate, opens it up and begins taking out some effects. There's some wraps, you see he pulls out a glittering red scale belt, kind of like a weightlifting belt, clips it around.

[SOPHIA]
Huh. Fancy.

[AUSTIN]
Reaffixes the robes. Extends a hand to you— actually, would not extend a hand. Handshaking is not a thing. Instead, would perform the formal bow again and says, "Apologies for my haste. I am called Enoch."

[SOPHIA]
"Nice to meet you." And I'll poke a head out the door.

[NOIR]
Would you like to be our captain, Enoch?

[SOPHIA]
"Hey guys, did you find the soul coins?"

[WALLY]
The *what*?

[NOIR]
"Yes!" You can see that VR-LA is walking out of the second train car just holding the crate of soul coins.

[WALLY]
Wait, they're what now??
 
[SOPHIA]
I don't really know either. I made a friend. Enoch, it seems like we found the coins we need. Are you like— do you need a ride or something? The train's not going anywhere anymore.

[RED]
Out of Hell? (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
"Well, I definitely don't want to go where the train was going." He seems to ponder. "I would like to meet up with my comrades again, but I have no clue how far to travel where they might be. Instead, if you have a means of escaping Hell, I would—"

[SOPHIA]
Sophia the player's connecting the dots that maybe the gith who didn't attack us earlier might have been missing a person. Can I make some sort of check to see if Dani would connect those dots?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, just make an intelligence check, actually, for me. Not wisdom.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah.

[NOIR]
Oh my god, you can't just assume that all gith know each other.

[RED]
Yeah, also I think these are two different kinds of gith.

[WALLY]
Yeah, that's kinda—

[AUSTIN]
These are two different kinds of gith.

[NOIR]
There are!

[SOPHIA]
That's a dirty 20 on intelligence. Dani's smort.

[NOIR]
Oh yeah, no, those were— not to mention, the ones on the ship were githyanki.

[AUSTIN]
This is a githzerai, those were githyanki. Hated enemies. Don't get along.

[SOPHIA]
Ah.

[RED]
Whew! You managed to avoid doing a microaggression.

[AUSTIN]
(laughs) Roll to avoid microaggression.

[RED]
(laughs)

[SOPHIA]
Well we're going to the Astral Sea...

[AUSTIN]
He says, "I would be doubly grateful if you—"

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, yeah. We're going to City of Brass, probably could drop you off somewhere on the way, or you can just hang out on the ship, honestly. People seem to be doing that a lot lately.

[RED]
I'm kind of experimentally seeing if I can lift one of these motorcycles so we can put it on the ship. I probably can't.

[NOIR]
VR-LA is absolutely gonna take a soul coin and rev up one of these motorcycles.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, you *know*, you know Dani's doing that.

[RED]
Oh god!

[AUSTIN]
You put a soul coin into one of the— you wanna rev up the Tormentor or the Devil's Rides?

[SOPHIA]
(chanting) Tormentor! Tormentor! Tormentor! Tormentor!!

[NOIR]
VR-LA would want to eventually get all of them on the Per Aspera. But I guess as a show— well, VR-LA also doesn't know how long it's going to take before people realize that the train—

[WALLY]
We're not— nuh-uh. No. We're not playing with these soul coins. These are people to some extent, aren't they?

[NOIR]
They are.

[RED]
Wait, they are?

[AUSTIN]
You put one into the bike and immediately you hear, (distant, tortured screaming)

[RED]
Oh my god.

[AUSTIN]
Just an inhuman scream as the motorcycle starts up and the soul that was in it is being burned for fuel.

[RED]
I'm gonna shut off the motorcycle as quickly as I can.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah.

[WALLY]
Mm-mm.

[NOIR]
You never know, that could have been a scream of relief!

[RED]
I hit the button. "I don't think I like this dimension very much. Should we leave?"

[SOPHIA]
Hey guys, um, we have a passenger.

[AUSTIN]
You see the githzerai arrive with Dani at this point. "Leaving would be wise. Apologies. Enoch."

[SOPHIA]
Enoch, this is the gang: Kyana, VR-LA, Finbar.

[RED]
Oh. Lovely to meet you. Kyana, yeah.

[NOIR]
Hello!

[RED]
...So there's people in these coins?

[NOIR]
The enterprising, devilish people have managed to somehow bind the souls of the— I suppose they are damned *now*, but souls within coins and use them as quite literal currency.

[RED]
Hmm.

[NOIR]
"Devils—" I think VR-LA would know this. "Devils use souls as currency, more so even than rare coins or gems or ores and whatnot."

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. It's both a currency and a power source.

[RED]
Doesn't feel great...

[SOPHIA]
I mean, it's what Oto asked us to come get, right? Just load it up on the ship.

[RED]
It sure is.

[WALLY]
Yeah. Let's just get them out for the job. Put them in a safe corner. Nobody's touching these coins.

[NOIR]
Dani, if you wish to secure the Devil's Rides...

[RED]
I'm gonna think, if there's many more of those here, there might be some way to—

[AUSTIN]
There's seven crates.

[RED]
Okay. There might be some way to release the souls from the coins that Oto doesn't need, right? I feel like leaving them here doesn't actually help them?

[SOPHIA]
We just take them all, you know? And then give them to Oto, and he'll do what he's gonna do with them.

[WALLY]
Way ahead of you.

[RED]
Okay, maybe we don't give the rest to Oto. Maybe we figure out a way to, like, help them.

[SOPHIA]
I dunno. That feels like it's above my pay grade.

[NOIR]
"It seems to me that using them releases them." That is legitimately what I thought happens. I don't know.

[RED]
It seems like it maybe consumes them forever, actually?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, that's a pretty good intuition.

[RED]
Wait, which one??

[AUSTIN]
No Kyana, you're right: consuming them destroys them forever.

[RED]
Oh, no.

[SOPHIA]
Enoch, you're a rich and vibrant character who we've run into; do you know anything about the lore of these soul coins?

[RED]
(laughs)

[AUSTIN]
"I'm sorry, I am not here for devils. I know little of their wars and how they make such a thing. Other than to say if it was fiendish in origin, best to put it down before it puts you down, so to speak."

[SOPHIA]
Hmm. Sounds like we should just do the job that we were told to come do.

[NOIR]
How many coins is Oto asking for again?

[SOPHIA]
He just sorta asked for fuel.

[NOIR]
Would a single crate's worth be sufficient? And then perhaps we could save the others.

[AUSTIN]
There's a lot in a single crate. So I mean, y'know.

[WALLY]
Yeah, I think a single crate.

[RED]
Probably be good. Yeah.

[SOPHIA]
Alright.

[NOIR]
Do you think we would wish to exert effort to figure out a means to somehow peacefully release these souls into whatever plane they wish?

[RED]
I feel like that's what I wanna do. I don't like leaving them here.

[WALLY]
"Yeah. I also don't like staying here, so I say we skedaddle? Let's get whatever we want." And you see, Finbar puts his giant mitts on the one of the war bikes. "Dani, you want one of these?"

[SOPHIA]
Oh, I wanna take one apart so bad.

[WALLY]
Okay.

[RED]
Please do. Maybe find a way to make it run on something that isn't a tortured human soul.
 
[WALLY]
As long as you're not using the soul coins, we'll take one of these.

[SOPHIA]
Can we take the big one? Can we *please* take the big one?

[WALLY]
No, you don't get the big one. No.

[RED]
I don't think we can carry the big one.

[WALLY]
"I could barely carry this one." You see him just slowly drag it.

[NOIR]
There is a crane on that car.

[WALLY]
Robot, bring the boat around.

[SOPHIA]
There is a crane on the car.

[NOIR]
Yes, sir.

[WALLY]
Finbar's not that smart, come on.

[AUSTIN]
Let me know what you guys want to do. I assume this is done in some haste—

[NOIR]
VR-LA will skedaddle back to the Per Aspera.

[AUSTIN]
—because as Kyana's found out, being outside in this place is bad news.
 
[RED]
Yeah, yeah. It's *bad*. I'm gonna start grabbing crates and moving them onto the ship, if I can.

[AUSTIN]
Cool. There are seven crates of soul coins as well as various other...

[SOPHIA]
Yeah I was gonna say, can we loot the car? What's in here?

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead, roll investigation check; either two people each go, or one person who is not as good rolls at advantage. So the superior person could give the help action.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, I have a plus six.

[NOIR]
Yeah, VR-LA has plus seven.

[SOPHIA]
Alright, two rolls.

[AUSTIN]
So either VR-LA and Dani can each roll, or Dani can roll twice with advantage, VR-LA giving the help action.

[NOIR]
...That is a natural one. So.

[SOPHIA]
Ooh, with a natural 18, that brings me to 24 total.

[RED]
Aww, buddy.

[SOPHIA]
What are the toys in here, dear DM? What have we found?
 
[AUSTIN]
Mostly it is soul coins, there's a lot of repair parts which VR-LA gets distracted looking at. There are weapons of basically every make, like shortswords, longswords, glaives, all kinds of different weapons here, they are all of fiendish design. They are Hellfire Weapons, which are magical. Although you don't know what they do without investigating them.

[RED]
That's kinda cool.

[AUSTIN]
In the chest, in the far corner, there is a suit of half plate. Dark, icy metal.

[WALLY]
Oh, damn.

[RED]
Does anyone here wear armor?

[AUSTIN]
And there are three barrels that contain some sort of gel.

[SOPHIA]
Does the gel remind me at all of any sort of combustion component?

[AUSTIN]
Oh, yeah, it's totally— Yeah, this is ammunition for something.

[SOPHIA]
Do I see anything that looks like it might be the something that it's ammunition for?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, go ahead and roll me investigation.

[SOPHIA]
(laughs)

[NOIR]
Is this some fucking Greek fire shit or whatever?

[RED]
No metagaming!

[SOPHIA]
A dirty 20.

[AUSTIN]
Dirty 20? Yeah. In the Tormentor, there is a station that's a flamethrower.

[SOPHIA]
(cackles) We are *so* taking that.

[RED]
We still can't get it on the ship!

[SOPHIA]
Can I get the flamethrower detached from the Tormentor? Dani's resistant to fire, so I figure she's just out of the ship.

[AUSTIN]
Yes; how long are you gonna stay here?

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, how long is it taking us to load stuff up?

[AUSTIN]
I'm gonna count all this stuff as an hour, and again, the longer you're here, the more risk you're running. That's just intuitive.

[RED]
Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
If you wanna try and get it done within the hour, you can do a check for that; it'll be pretty hard, but it's definitely doable. It's going to be your Tinker's Tools check.

[SOPHIA]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
Otherwise you can wait and try again, but obviously the longer you're here, the more more problems you might run into.

[SOPHIA]
Since we are here for the hour, I will make the check. The difficult one with the tools.

[AUSTIN]
Alright. Tinker's Tools, so that's intelligence plus plus proficiency.

[SOPHIA]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
To try and get this thing off, while everyone else is just moving crates.

[NOIR]
God we're.... We're fucking greedy with this.

[WALLY]
Can Finbar notice her try to do this? Be like, "Okay. Just give her what she wants. It'll leave her busy on the ship, and she won't blow anything else up."

[AUSTIN]
Okay. Go for it.

[SOPHIA]
And since this is a tool that I am able to become proficient with, because of my... So I have a set of tools because of the multi-tool thing, and then also Tool Expertize. So this was for what kind of tools?

[AUSTIN]
Tinker's.

[SOPHIA]
Tinker's tools? Yes, I'm proficient with that. So I actually double my proficiency bonus for this.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, you're gonna make this roll.

[WALLY]
Oh, you're gonna get this.

[RED]
Wow, wow. Didn't make it difficult enough, bro.

[SOPHIA]
So it was... intelligence plus proficiency bonus?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. Plus a d4. Double proficiency bonus.

[SOPHIA]
Oh yeah. Oh baby, we are gonna install a flamethrower on the Per Aspera. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that was a natural 17, plus two on the d4 brings it up to 19; plus my intelligence which is plus three, so that's gonna bring us up to 22; and my proficiency bonus is plus three, but *doubled* because of the tool check that I'm proficient in. That's actually a plus six. So that's gonna be a... 28 total? Can I *please* have this flamethrower?

[AUSTIN]
Yes. You needed to hit a 25 to beat this, and you did. 28. You've *never* seen Dani work so fast. Furious, screws flying everywhere. She is all over, like—

[SOPHIA]
Enoch, come help me!

[AUSTIN]
Enoch, for what it's worth, he's basically keeping watch. He climbs up to the top, and sort of meditates, doesn't want to be in the way. He doesn't really understand what you're doing, and also he's gone through a bit and is recentering himself.

[RED]
I like this guy.
 
[AUSTIN]
You hurriedly go, and then before you know it, boom! The thing falls off. So you guys take all the chests. What else are you taking from the inventory that I listed?

[RED]
You probably want the fuel, right?

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, the barrels of gel.

[AUSTIN]
So you got: flamethrower and fuel— the fuel is descriptive. I'm not gonna count ammo for you guys.

[RED]
Right, okay.

[SOPHIA]
There was the suit of half plate and the Hellfire Weapons.

[AUSTIN]
There's a *ton* of Hellfire Weapons. Do you wanna take them all?

[RED]
We could probably grab a few of the weapons. All??

[NOIR]
If we can do that within the hour, sure.

[AUSTIN]
Sure, yeah. Why not? Finbar is really strong, otherwise I might say no.

[RED]
Okay!

[AUSTIN]
Cool.

[RED]
And can we get one of the motorcycles?

[WALLY]
He is bruised, cut up, and he sees everybody else running around, grabbing their things. They're like, "Okay, they earned this. Let them get their stuff." And he's like, "Okay, you want this? Okay. Alright. You want this, too? Okay." And Dani pulls up, puts the flamethrower down, and I'm like—

[NOIR]
Thanks, dad.

[SOPHIA]
Finbar!! Look what I got!

[WALLY]
"Yeah. Okay, okay. Let's let's get this up in there, too. Alright."

[SOPHIA]
Team mom.

[RED]
Did we also get one of the motorcycles on board? Are we good?

[AUSTIN]
Yep, you got the motorcycle.

[RED]
Okay, okay. Okay.

[AUSTIN]
The ship loaded up, the hour passes.

[SOPHIA]
We should leave. We should get out of here.

[RED]
Yeah, let's bounce.

[NOIR]
If nothing else, the army of the devils don't get these Hellfire Weapons.

[AUSTIN]
That's true.

[RED]
That's true! That's a good thing!

[AUSTIN]
Enoch boards. "Thank you again for your timely intervention. I'm sure there's more to discuss, but—"

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, no problem, dude.

[RED]
Yeah, good work, Dani.

[AUSTIN]
"—I will be happy to be gone from this place."

[NOIR]
Would you like to be our captain?

[AUSTIN]
"I'm sorry? What?"

[RED]
Okay okay, Alright.

[WALLY]
It's a whole thing.

[RED]
Don't worry about it.

[AUSTIN]
VR-LA, you sit in the helm, and I assume use your Planeshift to escape, leaving behind the dusty red rocks and blasted hellscape that is Avernus.

[SOPHIA]
♪ 'Cause we're a bat out of Hell... ♪

[RED]
Hey, careful, careful, licensing!

[AUSTIN]
Congratulations, guys, you survived Hell.

[RED]
Woo!!

[SOPHIA]
Woo!

[AUSTIN]
And we'll go over stuff next week, that you found.

[RED]
Good idea.

[SOPHIA]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, super cool. Alright. Thank you all for joining, for listening. I hope you enjoyed that really long combat. That was brutal and awesome.

[SOPHIA]
We did a train heist!!

[RED]
We did! That was a pretty smooth train heist.

[WALLY]
Really? Avernus? Really, Austin? Really?

[AUSTIN]
Yep!

[WALLY]
C'mon, man.

[SOPHIA]
I have no notes.

[RED]
Session two, it'll be fine!

[AUSTIN]
The first idea I had for this campaign was 'train heist in Hell'. And I was like, that would be the first session— alright, alright, we should, like, learn about the Astral Sea and Sigil and stuff first.

[RED]
Ease them into it.

[AUSTIN]
But *then* we're on it. Boy, next two sessions I'm so excited for, too.

[NOIR]
We can only go up from here.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, boy.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah!

[SOPHIA]
Literally!

[AUSTIN]
You know, you could always end up in the Graying Wastes, which is the plane of neutral evil. The bottom of existence, under which the Chained Oblivion, Tharizdun, is forever incarcerated. But, y'know.

[RED]
Oh, fun!

[AUSTIN]
Entropy itself, personified.

[SOPHIA]
Next time, on Rolling with Difficulty!

[AUSTIN]
Thank you for joining, everyone; thank you for playing, guys. As always, I love playing D&D with you, so. Bye-bye!

♪(outro music)

[NOIR]
Hi, I'm Noir, a.k.a. VR-LA. Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Rolling with Difficulty. We'll be back next week with another thrilling installment! But if you miss us before then, be sure to check out our Twitter and Instagram for more D&D nonsense. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, feel free to email the pod at rollwithdifficulty@gmail.com. Links to all that and more in the show notes below. If you enjoyed the show, please rate us and leave a review on your preferred podcast platform. Thanks!