[SOPHIA]
Welcome to the Planescape: where good and evil clash, where law and order maintain their delicate balance, the battleground for gods and monsters. Many heroes have written their legends in the stars of the Astral Sea, but these are... not their stories.

The Per Aspera and her crew— Kyana, Finbar, VR-LA, and Dani— may not be the stuff of legends yet, but they're definitely Rolling with Difficulty.

♪(intro music)

[AUSTIN]
Hello all, and welcome to Rolling with Difficulty and the crew of the Per Aspera. My name is Austin, I am the DM. With me we have our adventuring party! If you wanna introduce your person name (we'll introduce characters in a little bit); just round-robin it so people can learn some names and voices. Noir, if you wanna go first?

[NOIR]
Hi, um, I'm Noir! Good... good to be here.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
We have an enthusiastic bunch.

[NOIR]
Great start. Great start.

[AUSTIN]
Good start. Wally?

[WALLY]
Hey! I'm Wally, I'm just here so I don't get fined, but I'm glad to be here.

[AUSTIN]
Sophia?

 
[SOPHIA]
Hey! I'm Sophia, I'm really excited to be on yet another podcast, and I'm very happy to... very happy to be here. This is all I do.

[AUSTIN]
(chuckles) She never leaves the chair. And last but not least, of course, Red.

[RED]
Hello! I'm Red, and this is, to date, the third podcast that Sophia has gotten me into. (laughs)

[SOPHIA]
It's my special skill.

[AUSTIN]
It's an addiction, it's a sickness, much like D&D.

[SOPHIA]
I'm like a genie trapped in a lamp, but I'm trapped in a microphone, and then Red keeps, just, carrying that microphone around with her, and we keep ending up on the same podcasts.

[RED]
Yep. Yep.

[NOIR]
It's your own volition too. You're the one that pitched this to us!

[RED]
It's more like you're the cursed artifact in my pocket that keeps whispering dark temptations into my ear.

[AUSTIN]
Oh hold on, I'm gonna write that down for a future episode.

[RED]
"You've got plenty more hours in the week!"

(laughter)

 
[AUSTIN]
That's a future plot hook right there!

[RED]
Ah, you're all welcome.

[AUSTIN]
If you're joining us for the first time, which, of course you are, because this is our very first episode, this is our D&D campaign, set in our version of the Planescape, which is the overall mythos around most Dungeons and Dragons. If you're familiar, then I'm sure there'll be a lot of things that you recognize, some new things. If you're unfamiliar, then... buckle the fuck up, 'cause this is weird!

[RED]
(laughs)

[AUSTIN]
I don't think there's anything else that we need to go over before we actually get into the game; thanks for joining, and we hope you enjoy the show!

[WALLY]
Let's get weird.

[RED]
Let the games begin!

[SOPHIA]
Woo!

[AUSTIN]
We begin: a dark room with huge, curved walls. A sloping ceiling: dark around the edges, but lit from the center by a flameless, purple light on this brazier, resting in the middle of the floor.

Standing hunched over, cast in shadow from this purple light, a figure, hunched, looking in, who turns slightly to appraise a woman who approaches. We see a woman dressed in robes, green and shimmering purple. Her slightly graying hair pulled back into a tight bun.

 
[RED]
Ah, fuck.

[AUSTIN]
She kneels down, both of her knees some feet away from the shadowed figure. Whether she does so in reverence or fear is impossible to tell from her austere face.

She speaks: "All we can spare have been dispatched. If she drifts, makes her way to any inhabited place in the Wheel, she'll be found." A moment of silence.

She speaks again: "It is still unclear, but if she knew of the portal, it's possible she learned of more. The loss to our flock has been significant to obtain the powers needed to track her. But... we can always recruit more. She fled to the Astral Sea; I dare not follow, for what might become of us if we were found there."

For the first time, the face betrays fear, the voice breaks. The figure approaches her. Long fingers caress her head, as if a pet. Her shaking stops. She cranes up to look at the figure. "I swear it on my life... Kyana will be found."

[RED]
(weakly) Yaay.

[SOPHIA]
Oh no. (nervous chuckle)

[AUSTIN]
Welcome to Rolling with Difficulty! We smash cut to an endless sky over an endless sea of thick, white clouds. Emerging from those clouds, the spire of a mountain, precarious and narrow, like a huge stone needle thrust into the sky. Orbiting its peak, a ring, slowly rotating like a halo. As we draw near, we see it is, in fact, a torus; and inside the ring, a city, filling the entire surface, the buildings forever floating horizontally in the sky.

Ships dart to and from the edge of the city, impossible shapes and sizes: some, open-backed skiffs manned by all various, different beings of shapes and sizes; some, massive galleons lined with shimmering scales: red, white, black, green, blue; others with strange and bizarre shapes: a dragonfly, a hammerhead shark, a bat with four wings. They sail hurriedly about, darting in and out from these docks that extend out into the sky. Some drift away from port and then (woosh!) vanish out of existence.

Welcome to the City of Doors, the Great Cage, the hub of the Great Wheel that is the Planescape, the greatest city of this world and all worlds, known and unknown: Sigil.

As we move in, turning so that we can enter this horizontal city, we see busy, winding streets; buildings of all sorts of different architectures: spires, blue and copper, rising into the air, stretching towards the mountain summit; cobblestone streets; archways; and brilliantly gold domes.

Walking these narrow and winding streets, we see all sorts of humanoids and other things of different ancestries: regular humans wearing robes of jeweled tones; elves, some with gold, and some with blue, skin; dwarves, their heads wreathed in fire; we see gnomes, both flesh and mechanical. Jötunnkin, fiend-touched, beastfolk, children of the Primordials, mechanites— more unrecognizable still.

A pack of humanoid hyenas snap and jeer at people who pass by. A massive devil, its red wings folded and its horns adorned with gold, leans against a wall, appearing to be in deep conversation with an angel who floats lazily above the ground, seven open eyes on its face and blue, shimmering wings. We see a group of the ravenfolk kenku, in dark robes that are pulled over their eyes, walk in single file past a ghost at a stall that seems to be butchering some sort of large, ethereal insect for consumption.

Two giants— one, dark-skinned with red hair and ebony plate; another, light blue, wearing what looks like Roman centurion armor— lean on a building and arm wrestle. As one (boom!) fist comes down, all sorts of little frogfolk scurry out from the building and begin yelling in an unknown tongue.

It is here, amidst all of this chaos, this great hubbub of the neutral place in existence, that our story begins. Where all the worlds gather, so do our four adventurers, making their way through the busy Market Ward. If I could have Kyana please describe herself?

 
[SOPHIA]
Ooh!

[RED]
Hey, yeah! So, I am Kyana, I am a runaway. This got established... ehh... I don't know how soon this is after Session Zero. Depending on how soon it is I might begin to—

[AUSTIN]
Immediately— you guys are walking, leaving the fight you were in to the safe place that Finbar has mentioned you should go to.

[RED]
Oh! Perfect! In that case, I'm looking somewhat the worse for wear. (laughs) I appear as a fairly short, but solidly built, human... humanoid... humanish young woman with tan skin, but very pale yellow hair and eyes, and a pearlescent, purpleish monk's uniform that has seen better days, on account of *certain* things that happened fairly recently, only *some* of them caused by my own party!

[AUSTIN]
(laughs)

[SOPHIA]
(reassuredly) It's fine.

[AUSTIN]
You know, the DM can never plan for the damage you do to yourselves.

[RED]
For the record, you got some good hits in, but the majority of the damage I took that fight was from Dani. (laughs)

[SOPHIA]
I said I was sorry!

[RED]
Hey, it's water under the bridge, I've had *way* worse!

[AUSTIN]
How is Kyana doing in this new setting?

[RED]
I think I've snapped right back to full sensory overload! Like, this is the coolest, liveliest place I've ever been in; I've only been here for what feels like, I dunno, ten minutes? And this is worth all the complexities, all the shenanigans, all of the floating in the Astral Sea for possibly weeks; all that stuff, *so* worth it just to be here! And the fact that I'm now at least welcome on this ship that's gonna take me all these *other* cool places, everything's coming up Kyana as far as I'm concerned, with one-third my hit point total still left.

[AUSTIN]
Excellent. We see this wide-eyed Kyana, as you described, taking in with this sensory overload. A brief moment, we linger on the singed pearlescent robes, and than pan over to the one walking beside her. Dani, if you would please describe yourself?

[SOPHIA]
(chuckles mischievously) Yeah, so you see, next to her, the source of the singe: an orange fire genasi. She's a little lankier and hunched over, she's walking a little fun, but she's got a set of mechanic's coveralls tied up around her waist and a black sleeveless turtleneck on. Over top of all of this, a sleeveless green trenchcoat. On her arms you can see a set of progressively smaller black band tattoos and matching under-eye tattoos that give her sort of the "permanent tired raccoon" look. She's got her hair tied up in a loose ponytail, a bunch of strands falling down in the front that are held back by her oddly glowing blue goggles; and her hair is black on the top, and the undercut area almost looks like magma, and the sides of her face and neck have a red glow from that. Normally at her side, you would see a small, mechanical cat; but Plug is back on the ship, probably trying to catch all the computer mice lounging about.

(laughter)

[NOIR]
Boo.

[SOPHIA]
And right now, Dani's just wiping off some of the soot on her hands from the last encounter they had.

[RED]
Mm.
[AUSTIN]
Excellent. Near the middle of the pack, we see our third figure. VR-LA, if you would please describe yourself?

[NOIR]
"Hello! I am VR-LA." He's leaving behind a trail of various oils, lubricants, and other things that have been used to keep this mechanite functioning and whirring. VR-LA's very low on hit points, but he doesn't give any indication that he is hurting in any way; he's chugging along as usual. But what you see is a tall, lanky mechanite: his faceplate is more or less featureless, he only has two holes where his eyes are, that give off this blue glow. It kind of, oddly enough, gives him a permanent, inquisitive sort of look. His general armor and his plating, it used to be this very gleaming chrome, but it has since patinaed over with age, and then, even more so, battle-damaged from the recent encounter that we had. His joints are fit together with mechanics, and also other arcane enchantments, currently which are sputtering and very thinly holding on together. But, y'know, VR-LA's just kinda chugging along, walking with everyone else. He's feeling alright.

[RED]
(laughs)

[SOPHIA]
Aww.

[AUSTIN]
Fantastic. And then leading the party, knowing that you're about to round the corner to your destination: Finbar, if you would please describe yourself?

[WALLY]
Yes! Howdy y'all, Finbar is this very tall firbolg; dark skin, clean-shaven, completely bald, and he's got two very curious artifacts strapped to his belt: his sickle and this very large glove. He's got a large backpack carrying the majority of the party's supplies; and every once in a while, floating about him, coming in and out of his coat, you see a pixie or two. He looks like he's got a couple scratches on him, but he's mostly keeping an eye out; making sure that everyone stays together, nobody on the street bothers them, and they get to where they're going.

 
[AUSTIN]
Fantastic. Have you told the group where you intend to take them, yet?

[WALLY]
Ah, yeah: "It's this little spot I know. When first I got here, when I was first learning how to cook, this was where I learned most of my things. So this right here, this is—"

[RED]
It's a school!

[WALLY]
Uhh, of sorts, you could see it that way. It's more of a restaurant. It's an eating hole, y'know?

[RED]
Oh! A restaurant.

[SOPHIA]
Ohh.

[WALLY]
This is the Sprite Spring; my mentor, Cardamon, used to work here. Actually, he started it; and after he passed, this was the first place I went. I spent some time at the Academy, and this was where I learned most of my cooking.

[SOPHIA]
D'you think they serve omelets there?

[WALLY]
Yeah, omelets from wh— anything that lays an egg, we can turn that shit into an omelet.

[SOPHIA]
Sick.

[RED]
So it's a special building... just for food? Huh.

[WALLY]
Yeah... you don't have those where you're from?
[RED]
Umm... maybe if you're more trained and higher up in the— I mean... there might be restaurants, I don't know!

[NOIR]
Did you not have a mess hall in your previous—

[RED]
Oh, I mean, there was a *room* for food, but the food was an afterthought? It was like, if you don't eat, you die; so, y'know, you need to eat. That's about all the thought that got put into it. Also, what's an omelet?

[AUSTIN]
(laughs)

[SOPHIA]
Uhh, y'know, it's eggs and uhh... Finbar, what's an omelet?

[WALLY]
It's best if I just serve one up for y'all, okay? Let's get in here, y'all sit down, y'all can have a taste.

[AUSTIN]
You say that as you round the corner.

[NOIR]
I would love an omelet!

[AUSTIN]
This is an area of— (laughs) This is an area of the Market Ward that is not as oppresively clustered as the rest of it. In fact, there's some open greenery here. And in fact, you can see the tree as you round the corner. I will actually go ahead and bring you guys over to the map just so you can get a little taste.

[WALLY]
Ooh!

 
[AUSTIN]
Welcome to the Sprite Spring! You round the corner and you see a building: somewhat quaint, stone, just a single floor, a chimney rising up the back, there's a rain barrel out front, the roof is slate but they're a deep forest green, and in fact there's moss growing up a ton of this building.

Most peculiar is you see there is a *huge* tree that towers and grants some shade to this building, that has a chimney poking out of it, and in fact there is a door to the outside. The tree is hollowed out and is the kitchen; and the entire interior of the building is just the eatery section.

You guys approach and enter. You see there's a long hallway, some carpets and stuff; there's a white deer head on the wall, and as you open the door it turns its head slowly to look at you, closes its eyes, and just gives a little "'sup" nod.

[SOPHIA]
I will nod "'sup" back.

[NOIR]
Hello! I am VR-LA!

[RED]
That's probably normal.

[AUSTIN]
It turns to look back straight ahead.

[WALLY]
That old thing? That's been here since before I got here. Pay it no mind.

[AUSTIN]
Fantastic. As you see, there's plenty of places to go. You wanna grab a seat, you wanna go to the bar? What would you like to do? Against all odds, this campaign which takes place in the vast Planescape— infinite worlds and possibilities— is starting in a tavern.

[NOIR]
Oh, how dare you.

(laughter)

[WALLY]
Y'all need to go grab a seat. Go grab a table, sit yourselves down, relax. I'mma go ahead in the kitchen, see what's going on in there; I'll get you an omelet. Y'all need anything else right now?

[SOPHIA]
Uhh, VR-LA, do you want... what do you... can you eat omelets?

[NOIR]
I would like to try an omelet!

[WALLY]
Omelet for the robot! Alright.

[RED]
Is there a... um... Okay, so the protocol for this place: is there some kind of... list of what you can eat here?

[WALLY]
Oh, you want a menu? Yeah, we can get you a menu.

[RED]
Menu! That's wh— okay, cool! Yeah, let's give that a shot. Is it good? Is it, like, tasty or nutritious, or...?

[NOIR]
Are you... going to eat the menu?

[WALLY]
Tasty? Yes. Nutritious? That's up to you.

[RED]
Okay. Well, I'll try this menu, I'm curious about—

[WALLY]
Oh, no, don't eat it. Don't eat the menu.

[AUSTIN]
(laughs)

[RED]
Oh! Alright, alright.

[WALLY]
Yeah, the menu has the list of food on it, and you pick from whatever sounds good—

[RED]
Okay!

[WALLY]
—and then, y'know, we go and bring it to you.

[RED]
Alright, alright. I'm up to speed. Gonna nail this thing!

[WALLY]
Mmkay, yeah. Don't eat the menu.

[AUSTIN]
Fantastic. You guys all enter. Finbar, you know where to go, if you'd like to go to the kitchen. The rest of you, if you wanna move to any seats, the open seats are the ones you see.

Finbar, you make your way through; you see there's patrons milling about. It's still kind of earlyish in the day, but also Sigil doesn't have, like, a real hard, fast work cycle. So there are food rushes, but it can kind of depend. In any case, it seems that there isn't one going on right now.

There’s some mixed parties around here, there's a whole, like, huge— what do you call a group of dwarves? (laughs) You know, like a group of rhinos is a charge? There's a whole clan of dwarves, sitting in the corner over at this huge long table.

[WALLY]
Yeah, a clan, sure. You make your way through—

[NOIR]
A vein of dwarves.

 
[RED]
I believe it's called a fellowship.

[AUSTIN]
A fellowship? Yeah.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
You make your way through the bar. There's a pixie— sort of a bald head, little overweight— that's got a tiny little rag, he’s cleaning out a full sized drinking glass. He sees you walk past. He goes, “Eyy, it's Finbar! Finbar's back!” You know this to be Peaseblossom, who's the bartender here.

[WALLY]
Hey, what's going on, Flower? How's it going?

[AUSTIN]
"Oh, man, it's been forever. How you doing?"

[WALLY]
Hey, we’re just coming back. Picked up a stowaway out in the sea. They got banged up down in the— Lower Ward, we were?

[AUSTIN]
Yes, you were. "Oh, yeah."

[WALLY]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
"Nasty place over there."

[WALLY]
Yeah. So they’re just resting up in the mess hall right now. I'm just gonna go check in the kitchen. Do you know who's working today?

[AUSTIN]
"Oh, yes. Sidonie's in today."

 
[WALLY]
Sidonie. All right, yeah. You mind if I just walk in, go say hi?

[AUSTIN]
"Oh, 'course not! I'm sure she'd be happy to have a little change of pace. She's in spring today; so don't worry, she's in a good mood."

[WALLY]
Ah! Alright, yeah. Alright, great. Fantastic.

[AUSTIN]
Cool. You make your way out back and into the tree. It's a kitchen, and it is cluttered, it is messy. A figure hurries frantically back and forth. Sidonie is a female eladrin. So she is an elf, but specifically fey-touched; and she is currently in her spring form. So you can hear her humming and skipping around. She puts on some mitts and pulls what looks like a huge pie out of the oven, and rests it down, takes them off, and turns and sees you.

"Oh Finbar, you are back! It is such a surprise to see you! I did not expect to see you any time soon."

[WALLY]
"Yeah I'm back, Sidonie. You need some help?" And I shake my coat, and pixies all of a sudden fly out, and they immediately start helping the eladrin in any way that they can.

[AUSTIN]
"Many hands, light work. You know that I am always a fan of assistance. You know the kitchen. Please, come in! Do what you will."

[WALLY]
Alright, yeah. Don't mind me.

[AUSTIN]
Alright, you set to work making... omelets, I assume?

[WALLY]
Couple omelets? Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, there's axe beak eggs. So that's what's fresh right now.
[WALLY]
Oh, fantastic.

[AUSTIN]
Which are about the size of an ostrich egg, and far tougher to get through. You need special tools to break it open; but Finbar, that's nonsense. You know what's up.

[SOPHIA]
Did someone say special tools?

[RED]
(laughs) (sawblade whirring)

[WALLY]
No, let's keep you out of the kitchen, now.

[AUSTIN]
We move back to one of the dining rooms: VR-LA and Dani both sitting at chairs, Kyana on... maybe the most comfortable couch you've ever sat on.

[RED]
It's a sitting surface, but it's soft! It's nuts!

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, it's green velvet. It's pretty nice.

[RED]
Wow. (whispers) Wow!

[AUSTIN]
You guys all take your seats. Is there anything you would like to discuss while you wait for Finbar?

[SOPHIA]
Just when we walk in, I'd like to scan the room and see if there's anything mechanical here besides VR-LA at all. Any devices, even if they're on another patron.

[WALLY]
(laughs)
[AUSTIN]
Please, please make a perception check!

[SOPHIA]
Not terrible. 'Kay. But I do notably have a minus one to perception, so that's an 11!

[RED]
Oh, buddy.

[AUSTIN]
You do a quick scan. You poke your head into the other rooms to take a look. You see the dwarves; there's one room that's empty, there's a *huge* dire wolf pelt spread out on the floor; you poke your head into the barroom, you see Peaseblossom flying around. There's also what looks like a giant tortoise sitting on the bar, which no one's really paying any mind to, currently.

Inside your room there's a hyenafolk, which are the gnolls; there's a thri-kreen, which are like giant praying mantis ant people; and there is an oread, which is a fire fey, sitting at that table, discussing something.

There seems to be nothing mechanical here. This is a tried and true Feywild bar and restaurant. There is not much in the way of influence from Mechanus, or any place like that here.

[RED]
I know it's unlikely, considering we just dealt with this situation, but I am probably *just* enough on edge to also do a quick scan just to see, like, is anyone squaring up subtly or getting ready to do anything bad to us?

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead, roll me a perception check as well!

[RED]
Alright. This one—

[AUSTIN]
Or insight, I feel like insight might also be appropriate. Your choice.

 
[RED]
Which of these is better for me? Uhh, oh, insight! Insight is much better, because I'm actually proficient in that. Ha-cha! Oh. Okay, so I rolled a ten, so I got a 17! (laughs)

[NOIR]
Nice.

[AUSTIN]
17's pretty good! Yeah, the dwarves are doing their own thing— the dwarves have actually gathered around the fireplace, and the fire's starting to go down a little bit, and they're starting to harmonize, which is probably something you don't wanna fuck with. (laughs)

[RED]
Oh, that's pretty. (laughs) Yeah, I'll just appreciate it.

[AUSTIN]
You do notice that the three figures lower their voices when you come in and sit down. They're not drawing weapons or anything—

[RED]
Yeah, that's completely normal.

[AUSTIN]
—but this is a big place, and you just came in and sat down in the room they were in, so.

[SOPHIA]
Hey VR-LA, you need any fine-tuning? How's all the metal plate holding together?

[NOIR]
I fear that my physical faculties are beginning to fail, but I am still functional as of now.

[SOPHIA]
"Oh, okay." And I'll lean over and start casting Mending wherever feels appropriate.

(laughter)

[NOIR]
That is appreciated. I fear it will not do anything as far as my actual systems and operation are concerned, but cosmetically I'll be fine.

[SOPHIA]
Alright.

[RED]
(snickers) Stop leaking quite so much.

[SOPHIA]
There's just, like, one little gash with the oils leaking out that just closes up.

[WALLY]
(laughs)

[NOIR]
Yeah.

[RED]
Flex Tape it up and call it a day.

[NOIR]
Basically. VR-LA, when he enters, he just gives a friendly wave to the trio, but he doesn't really communicate with them otherwise.

[AUSTIN]
Excellent. You guys have your little discussion about how VR-LA is doing and, "wait, chairs can be comfortable? What?" Finbar, go ahead and just roll me a... let's go ahead and say this is a wisdom. This is like tasting it as you go, you know? This is...

[WALLY]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
...This is a labor of insight. You know just— of perception— just what little bits to add of different spices to make this thing really shine.

 
[WALLY]
Alright, yeah, let's go for it. ...Not great... plus proficiency, plus WIS is going to be... a total of ten.

[AUSTIN]
Ugh, ten? Yeah, it's... the axe beak eggs are pretty tough to get through, so you're worried you got some eggshells in there.

[WALLY]
Tough to crack? (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
But you're pretty confident about your spice lineup.

[WALLY]
Okay, yeah.

[AUSTIN]
You throw a little rothé milk in there, you think it's pretty safe. "Do you need help bringing this to the table? I can take a moment."

[WALLY]
You see me grab a giant server's plate, and then, one, two, three, four, all in one hand; I say, "Nah, I think I got it." And I saunter my way back towards the table.

[AUSTIN]
Alright! You make your way back. You guys see Finbar comes in with these steaming plates. The omelets are enormous, it's like something out of a Guy Fieri challenge.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
They're *huge*! They're like, burrito-sized. He puts one down at each plate. As he does, Peaseblossom comes in, he's got a corked bottle, places it down along with some glasses.

He says, "Hey, this one's on the house! I won't be needin' your names for payment or anything." Then he gives a little wink and he goes, "House special: Jubilation! Glad to have you back, Finbar. You gonna be staying in town or...? What's up?"
[WALLY]
I dunno. I gotta talk to the crew, we'll see what's going on. I'd love to get back out to the sea, but there's no place like home. You know how it is.

[AUSTIN]
"Aww yeah. Y'know, once you eat food in the Feywild, you can never leave, right? That's what they say."

[WALLY]
(jokingly) Eyy.

[AUSTIN]
(jokingly) "Eyy." He flies off.

[SOPHIA]
As he's saying that, Dani has already put a bite of omelet into her mouth.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
It's pretty good! It's pretty good. A ten is a good omelet, y'know?

[RED]
I'm gonna carefully observe how Dani did that, and I'm gonna do the exact same thing.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, do you guys have any hot sauce?

[WALLY]
"Hot sauce?" You see me shake my coat, and one pixie darts out back towards the kitchen. Thirty seconds later, comes back carrying a little thing of hot sauce, and slides it onto the table.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, thanks!

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. This hot sauce is distilled from a chili that is found in Avernus, the first layer of Hell, so this thing packs a bit of a kick.
[SOPHIA]
Yeah, just globbing that on the omelet.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. You got fire resistance, you're good.

[RED]
Wait, so that's how you're supposed to eat an omelet?

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, it's a little spice in your food, y'know?

[RED]
With— okay!

[SOPHIA]
That's how we do it on the Plane of Fire!

[WALLY]
Uh—

[RED]
Interesting! Alright!

[WALLY]
Yeah, no, I would just be careful with that one. She's—

[NOIR]
VR-LA also takes some and just starts globbing it on.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
Alright. (laughs) Everyone who doesn't have fire resistance and is eating the hot sauce, please make a constitution saving throw.

[RED]
I'll make that CON save!

 
[NOIR]
It should be said, VR-LA's faceplate has no mouth; when he speaks, he doesn't ope— but he's still doing the action of picking up the omelet and moving it to his faceplate, but it just falls off unceremoniously. But you still hear him say, "Mm, good food."

[RED]
That's really funny. I just rolled a three on my CON save. (laughs)

[SOPHIA]
Oh no!

[AUSTIN]
Oh, this is the worst thing you've ever eaten, and you've eaten some really neutral, bland crap. (laughs) You immediately had to spit it back out.

[RED]
Ooh.

[AUSTIN]
Actual brimstone comes out of your mouth.

[RED]
Honestly? Exciting!

[AUSTIN]
She says that, she's fully crying. (laughs)

[RED]
Yeah. (laughs) (pained) Oh, it's... it's really interesting!

[WALLY]
I swap her plate with mine. I take the one with the spice, and I have no hot sauce on mine, I'm not doing that. "You... you gotta make sure you eat."

[RED]
Okay, alright. Whew!

[SOPHIA]
If you think that's good, you should try the fire slugs back in the City of Brass sometime. They sell 'em on the side of the road. Great.

[NOIR]
Yummy. Good food!

[RED]
Oh. Hmm.

[WALLY]
It's okay that you try to kill her in combat, but the food? This is a sanctuary, okay? Let's...

[RED]
Technically, she tried to kill me out of combat too, so this is really new. Whew! Okay!

[AUSTIN]
(laughs) Just, one party member fears for their life from the other party member.

[SOPHIA]
I'm not doing it intentionally!

[AUSTIN]
You guys enjoy...

(suppressed giggling)

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead, roll up a short rest for yourselves.

[NOIR]
Thank you! Thank you, DM.

[RED]
Let's do it!

[WALLY]
Okay.

 
[AUSTIN]
I'll consider Finbar's... This half an hour eating, we'll consider this, with your food, an expedited short rest. It's just that comforting.

[WALLY]
So, you guys can all get an extra d8 on this short rest.

[SOPHIA]
We love having someone who knows how to heal.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. Is there anything else you would like to discuss, or do you guys just tear in?

[RED]
Well I'm definitely gonna be eating the non-deadly omelet, and it is definitely the most flavorful and wholesome thing I've ever eaten in my entire life, so.

[WALLY]
Uh, I'm gonna roll a CON save for...

[AUSTIN]
Please. Yes, please.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
It's not too terr— DC 13, it's not too terrible.

[RED]
Aww, really?

[WALLY]
13? Okay, here. (dice clatters)

[RED]
Well, now I just feel silly.

[WALLY]
I got it. DC 13 exactly.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. This is tough, you're definitely crying.

[WALLY]
Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Dani is handling this like the... oh, who is it who just ate those chilis and killed it?

[WALLY]
City of Brass, my ass. Ugh, god.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, what was the singer who just ate...

[SOPHIA]
If I was on— Lorde!

[NOIR]
Lorde!

[AUSTIN]
Someone on the pod is listening, and— Lorde, thank you!

[SOPHIA]
And if I was on Hot Ones, Dani, the Lord(e) of Hot Ones. (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
Yes, Dani is just Lorde eating this right now, like, "Mm, yeah it's good." Sorry to everyone listening to the podcast who was shouting at me.

(laughter)

[SOPHIA]
So, uhh—

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, you guys dig in. Go on.

 
[SOPHIA]
Yeah, so we got paid for the job, which is great. I know that my uncle wouldn't hate that.

[RED]
Yeah, that was really impressive.

[NOIR]
We did, right? I just wanna confirm... Okay.

[SOPHIA]
We did, I chased them down before they hid in their cave.

[RED]
We did, we did! Mid-combat, Dani yelled, "You guys aren't gonna pay us?"

[NOIR]
Right, okay. Good.

[RED]
It was the coolest thing.

[SOPHIA]
Thank you, thank you.

[AUSTIN]
Does anyone try the drink, by the way?

[RED]
I will! Unless anyone stops me, so.

[AUSTIN]
Go for it! So the drink is called Jubilation, and it is most akin to a mead. But it is brewed in the Feywild, you cannot brew it anywhere else; and it tastes like joy. If you drink it, immediately it peps you up, even if you're suffering from just having had a too-hot omelet. It immediately is soothing and invigorating.

You guys continue to eat. The party behind you gets up, starts to make their way out. There's a bunch of mugs, glasses on the table. The thri-kreen has four arms, so he's holding two separate glasses. As they get up to walk past, the thri-kreen stumbles a little bit; and half-disguised, half–I-want-you-to-know-I'm-doing-this-on-purpose, dumps the rest of an ale onto VR-LA's head.

[NOIR]
VR-LA just does not really care.

[SOPHIA]
Hey!

[NOIR]
VR-LA's still trying to drink Jubilation, by the way, his goblet clinking up to his faceplate.

[AUSTIN]
(laughs) It sloshes, rolls right off, also pouring down your face mask.

[NOIR]
Yeah. There's no difference in what VR-LA's experiencing now.

[AUSTIN]
The gnoll immediately breaks into a cackling laughter.

[SOPHIA]
"Oh, you guys think you're a bunch of real funny tough guys, don't ya?" Dani's got one foot up on the table now.

[RED]
Oh, god! (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
The thri-kreen turns to you and goes, (agressive clicking), because it has no mouth, just mandibles. The oread, which is the fire nymph, walks up next to him and says, "You're the funny ones, I would assume, bringing a mechanite into a place like this."

[RED]
Is that bad?

[WALLY]
He's accounted for.

[NOIR]
"Hello! I am VR-LA." And I get up and I turn around, shake their hand.

[WALLY]
Watch yourselves.

[AUSTIN]
"VR-LA, you call yourself. Nice. Just know where you belong on this side of the War, alright?" And she'll give you a little shove in the chest and push past you.

[NOIR]
VR-LA's unfazed.

[SOPHIA]
Grr.

[RED]
VR-LA's not even on the way to the door.

[NOIR]
No, they'd be going out of their way.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, no. They fully walk up over here.

[RED]
VR-LA, VR-LA, I have a very important question.

[NOIR]
Yes!

[RED]
Do you want me to go punch that guy? I can go punch that guy if you want me to.

[NOIR]
If that'll make you happy, please feel free to, but—

[RED]
No, no, I'm good. I mean, I've got this drink, and this drink is really nice. But, like. Y'know.
[NOIR]
I have the suspicion that, given in a place like this, there is something of an aversion when it comes to mechanites, and other, I suppose... Things of mechanical nature. It does not faze me.

[SOPHIA]
People are just afraid of the future, man!

[NOIR]
Well, not necessarily.

[SOPHIA]
They're afraid of the shit that's real.

[NOIR]
They also mentioned a war, which I'm unfamiliar with.

[RED]
Yeah, I didn't know about that either, but I was kinda hoping someone else would explain and I wouldn't have to ask.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, so what they're talking about is the eternal cold war which is going on, which is the fact that Good and Evil, and Law and Chaos are eternally opposed. There's no reason that any mortal being (which you all are) would be necessarily on one side of the conflict or the other. All mortal beings are imbued with choice, that is what makes them mortal. That means they can choose where their philosophical leanings may fall. They have assumed that you are on the side of Law because you are a mechanite. And as a result, are treating you rather poorly, presumably because they're on the side of Chaos. Which is not atypical for a Feywild bar.

[NOIR]
Interesting.

[RED]
Okay, well, the punching offer still stands. Just say the word.

[SOPHIA]
So they're walking away from us, out of the bar?

[AUSTIN]
Yep, they are. Yep, they're going.

[SOPHIA]
So their backs are to us now?

[RED]
Oh, no.

[AUSTIN]
Their backs are absolutely to you. They bullied, and seem to feel like they're walking away winners here.

[SOPHIA]
Any of them got any loose threads on their clothes or anything, that look like if you pulled it just ever in the right way, it would come undone?

[NOIR]
That's a big ask.

[RED]
Okay. (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead and roll an investigation check.

[WALLY]
(laughs)

[SOPHIA]
Okay, this I'm better at!

[AUSTIN]
The thri-kreen is completely naked, so.

[SOPHIA]
Dirty 20!

[AUSTIN]
Dirty 20? Yeah this gnoll is a fucking mess. You pull one knot and he's coming undone.
[SOPHIA]
Yeah, I'm gonna cast Mage Hand and just aim for any knot that looks like I can pants him with it, and just pull on that.

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead and do a spell attack, let's just say DC 10. So go ahead and roll, add your intelligence plus your proficiency bonus.

[SOPHIA]
(dice clatters)

[AUSTIN]
Do you have Mage Hand? Is that a thing artificers can get?

[SOPHIA]
I do have Mage Hand, yes.

[AUSTIN]
Artificers get cantrips? Insert that meme where there's a ranger like, "You're getting cantrips?"

(laughter)

[SOPHIA]
That's a 15.

[AUSTIN]
Oh yeah, totally. Yeah, you pants this thing, he totally trips and goes prone. He was cackling, Joker-style— silence. All three of them stop and turn around.

[SOPHIA]
(cackles)

[AUSTIN]
Vesper, who is the oread, is gonna say, "Well, it appears we got a kindred spirit in chaos! Too bad we're gonna have to kick your ass for that one." Please go ahead and roll initiative!

[NOIR]
Oh, rad.

[RED]
No!

[NOIR]
Just sitting here, just trying to enjoy my mead.

[RED]
Oh, I'd love to do this with two-thirds of my hit points.

[SOPHIA]
Oh no! Trying to drink my mead in the first place.

[RED]
I'm enjoying my mead. (laughs)

[SOPHIA]
I can't let people try and come in here and be rude to my good boy VR-LA like that!

[NOIR]
They were being rude?

[AUSTIN]
Alright, so: VR-LA is sitting at... six. Good show, Noir. (laughs) Finbar sitting at three, alright Wally.

[RED]
Oh my god, guys.

[WALLY]
Yeah. I'm gonna turn to Dani and say, "Just... don't break any of the furniture, alright?"

[SOPHIA]
Uhh, if I fix it afterwards...?

[AUSTIN]
Oh yeah, by the way Finbar, dust-ups are not uncommon here.

 
[WALLY]
Yeah, no. No, he says, "Go for it, don't break any of the furniture, kick his ass."

[SOPHIA]
Dani's cracking her knuckles.

[RED]
I notice that I'm currently between— oh, no, fortunately I'm out of the line of fire for a change. So I'm just going to take a hot minute to really appreciate the cushions on this couch for another couple seconds, before all hell breaks loose and I get set on fire again or something.

[AUSTIN]
The fight begins! The three of them walking out the doorway (Roan currently prone) turns. The thri-kreen pulls off of its back Wolverine claw— the brass knuckles with the claws on it. Vesper immediately— little flames begin to lick up across her. Kyana, however, you are trained to notice the start of a fight, even before the other participants do.

[RED]
Yep.

[AUSTIN]
So, you are up first. What would you like to do?

[RED]
I would like to get over this table and come up right next to VR-LA, if I can. I think that's well within my movement.

[AUSTIN]
Totally! Go for it. Oh, that's well within your movement.

[RED]
Good! Okay, the next thing I'm going to do, because at this point I'm like, "Oh, okay, a fight's happening! I know what to do!" So the first thing I'm gonna do is use my bonus action and a ki point to summon my Arms of the Astral Self.

 
[AUSTIN]
Yeah. You see she places her hands together (for you guys, now a normal sight, you've seen this a few times), pulls forth spectral arms, longer than her own, emerging from her body. A bit of a glimmer overtakes her entire form, as she summons her astral arms, the embodiment of her true self. Clawed and long, with spines rolling up them. Inhuman and terrifying. I think you need me to make some DEX saves, right?

[RED]
Yes! I need... Actually, you know what? I wanna move to be within ten feet of all of them, so that they all need to make DEX saves.

[AUSTIN]
Go for it, yeah. What's your DC?

[RED]
The DC is 15.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. (dice thonks) So the thri-kreen's gonna fail, (dice thonks) Vesper's gonna save, (dice thonks) and the gnoll's gonna fail!

[RED]
Okay! So they are both gonna take 2d6 of force damage.

[WALLY]
Good start!

[AUSTIN]
Do they take half damage on a save, or just none?

[RED]
Succeed on a DEX save, or take 2d6 force damage. It doesn't say half damage if they succeed. So those two take nine!

[AUSTIN]
Got it. So yeah, it's just all or nothing.

[RED]
Yep! Nine damage.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, fantastic. That's great. (boom!) Yeah, there's a psychic shock wave, and they both take nine damage. Fantastic, throw 'em back. Vesper, though, is technically fey, and is made made of a little stronger stuff than that. You have an action?

[RED]
Yes. Let's see... Can I hold my attack? 'Cause I've already done stuff.

[AUSTIN]
Yes, you absolutely can! You can hold your action, which in this case is the attack action.

[RED]
Perfect! Yeah, I don't really feel comfortable just vaulting over a table and decking somebody unprovoked, I mean, not like, super provoked. I think I'm just gonna do my cool little Matrix-style kung-fu pose, and wait for them to do something that makes me feel justified in punching them.

[AUSTIN]
Fantastic. Well, you probably aren't gonna have to wait long, 'cause it's Vesper's turn.

[RED]
Good! (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
Actually, really quick: Dani's what's your dexterity?

[SOPHIA]
My dexterity... is... 14, so plus two.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, shit, so is the oread. Alright, go ahead and roll me a d20; it's a roll off to see who's gonna go first, you or... (dice thonks)

[SOPHIA]
Mm. Well, I rolled a four, so.

[RED]
Oh, buddy.
[AUSTIN]
They rolled a 14, so they are going first. Okay! So they'll go ahead and cast Scorching Ray. You see hands come together, and as they pull apart, three balls of fire.

[RED]
Uh oh. I've seen that before! (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
They don't like VR-LA, so... Let's split this up a little bit. Vesper's definitely smart enough to know that Dani is not gonna get hit by this very well, but she'll throw one at Kyana, one at Finbar and one at our mechanite. Okay. That's a plus six... does a 13 hit VR-LA?

[NOIR]
Finbar? He's just eating his omelet! Yes, it does.

[AUSTIN]
It does? Okay. Ten is not gonna hit Kyana, I rolled really bad. And a ten is not gonna hit Finbar, either.

[RED]
Yay!

[WALLY]
No. I kinda just angle my omelet; I pick it off the table and it scorches it a little bit.

[NOIR]
So much for not destroying the furniture...

[AUSTIN]
VR-LA, you take... six fire damage.

[NOIR]
Okay, yeah. You see the flames lick off of VR-LA's body. Stuff's probably melting, but VR-LA shows no indication of it.

[RED]
Can we please get this man some healing? This bot?

 
[NOIR]
Yeah, he healed up! He's actually pretty close to full, but now he's a little less close to full.

[RED]
Okay, okay. Phew!

[AUSTIN]
Cool. So, does that trigger Kyana's— yeah, go ahead.

[RED]
So, my held action— oh. Yeah, yeah, definitely!

(laughter)

[RED]
Alrighty, so I'm gonna take my held action. Fortunately, my Arms of the Astral Self have a 10-foot reach, so I don't even need to close to whack 'em. So, yes! I am going to make my first attack. And I remember how this works from last time, just barely. Ha-cha! Oh, that's embarrassing. Does a 16 hit?

[AUSTIN]
16? Against the oread?

[RED]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
Vesper?

[RED]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, just hits.

[RED]
Yes! Okay, cool. So that is going to be... (eh!) Six force damage? I think. It's got the fireball logo.

 
[AUSTIN]
Yeah. I think it's a d6 plus your dexterity? It is force damage.

[RED]
It's 1d6 plus four, but I rolled two. So it's six.

[AUSTIN]
Got it, yep. So six? She takes six force damage. As you punch her, a gout of flame is going to spill out and shoot back towards you, up the astral arm. Could I get you to make a dexterity saving throw, please?

[RED]
Yes, just a second... 18!

[AUSTIN]
18 will save! So you'll take half damage on this. So that's 17 down to eight fire damage, from the Hellish Rebuke.

[RED]
Oh! Fantastico. Can she do that every time?

[SOPHIA]
No.

[AUSTIN]
That's her reaction.

[RED]
Oh, good. Okay. Awesome.

[AUSTIN]
So she gets one of those. So if you wanna punch again, feel free.

[RED]
I definitely want to punch again! Also I am probably going to need healing soon. But we'll get to that later. Second punch! Ha-cha. 23. I mean, it's gonna hit.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah.

 
[RED]
Ugh, five damage. Come on, man. Okay, new d6.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. That's five, and I think that's both your attacks, correct?

[RED]
That is, that is both my attacks.

[AUSTIN]
Boom, boom! You hold back, and then after she shoots out the fire, counter. You get scorched a little bit; but you're pretty light on your feet, manage to avoid the bulk of it. And you're still keeping all of them at a 10-foot reach to avoid any... present stabbings.

[RED]
Yep.

[AUSTIN]
That brings us to Dani! Across the room, sitting in your chair, enjoying your extremely hot omelet. Dani, what would you like to do?

[SOPHIA]
Dani kicks off the table to get up out of her chair, and she's gonna run across the room; there's a couch across the way, gonna leap over it, now directly in line with all of the guys. And she puts her hands out in front of her, and sorta like pulling from hammerspace, this small Force Ballista appears in her arms. I'm summoning a tiny Arcane Cannon. And I'm gonna—

[WALLY]
Don't hit any of the furniture!

[SOPHIA]
"I'm aiming over the furniture!" And Dani's gonna fire off a force shot at the Tallak in front.

[AUSTIN]
What does this Eldritch Cannon look like? Please describe it?

 
[SOPHIA]
Yeah yeah yeah, so, this one doesn't have feet, 'cause it's tiny and I'm holding it. Unfortunately. But it's sorta just like a long... It almost looks like a rail gun, but handheld?

[NOIR]
Oh, geez.

[AUSTIN]
Fantastic.

[RED]
I think it can still have feet. Like you're holding it like a hawk person?

[SOPHIA]
Alright, yeah! Yeah, I summon it; underneath her back arm, 'cause Dani's two-handed holding this cannon, basically there's two robot chicken feet sticking out the back, flailing a little bit.

[AUSTIN]
I was gonna say, like a chicken you've caught, you've got it under your arm. Yeah, this cursed fuckin' Doodle Jump monster is gonna shoot. Go ahead and roll to attack.

(laughter)

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, I'm aiming at the Tallak. (dice clatters)

[RED]
Summoning it does psychic damage to your enemies.

[AUSTIN]
Tallak is the thri-kreen. Go ahead and attack.

[SOPHIA]
Ooh! I didn't roll well before, but I rolled pretty good now, 'cause that's a natural 20, baby!

(collective 'woo!')

 
[AUSTIN]
Oh, yes!

[WALLY]
There we go.

[SOPHIA]
Alright.

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead and roll some force damage.

[NOIR]
Guys, we gotta be rolling— we gotta be rolling worse! This is antithetical to our branding.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah! Guys, this is supposed to be a challenge!

[RED]
I'm still down, like, ten hit points. I don't mind if we just wipe the floor with these guys. (laughs)

[SOPHIA]
So that's 2d8 force damage. How are we doing crits on...?

[AUSTIN]
Jesus Christ. So, the way that crits work is— and I'll explain this for everyone listening, too— you roll the dice, and then you take the max damage on the dice and add those together, along with any modifiers. So in this case you'll be rolling 2d8 plus *16*.

[SOPHIA]
Heh. Yeah. So that's eight plus 16, so that's gonna bring us up to...

[RED]
24.

 
[SOPHIA]
24. So the reason I chose the Force Ballista is because its effect is that if you hit someone with it, it pushes them five feet away from the the cannon. So what I'm *hoping* I can accomplish is to just kinda domino them over, since they're all lined up in a row.

(laughter)

[RED]
Oh please, *please* tell me this works.

[AUSTIN]
Okay... I'm gonna let there be a roll for this, and it's gonna be stupid high.

[SOPHIA]
Okay. Okay! That's fair.

[AUSTIN]
I mean, you just rolled a natural— you *just* rolled a natural 20, so I'm gonna say it's definitely possible. Yeah, go ahead and make a... intelligence check. You're definitely not proficient with using a cannon this way, it's improvised. So go ahead and make an intelligence check, and I wanna say, hit a DC... This is definitely not easy. DC 17.

[SOPHIA]
Okay, okay. Intelligence check?

[AUSTIN]
But you know what? You know what? You're gonna get an inspiration for this idea, so. You can save it, or you can roll the d6 onto this roll, if you'd like.

[SOPHIA]
Okay. ...I'm gonna roll the d6.

 
[AUSTIN]
Another house rule we use here is that inspirations, you can have multiple; and it's not a re-roll, it is whatever the equivalent bardic inspiration dice would be. That's what an inspiration dice uses. This let's me hand out a lot more, and people use them a lot more freely, without making it too swingy in terms of, "everyone just has a bunch of luck now."

[RED]
I really hope this works, because the perspective from my angle is gonna be so funny.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, well I got great news for you, Kyana, because I rolled, with the inspiration, an 18 total!

[NOIR]
Nice!

[RED]
Yes! (claps) Woo!

[AUSTIN]
You fire, (pow!) This catches the thri-kreen square in the chest This guy cannot block this at all. I'll tell you, this guy is... messed up. He goes down: three arms reach down to catch him, and he instead lands on Vesper, up against her— she's got, like, charcoal, rocky skin, knocks her down. The gnoll, Roan, is starting to stand up from having his pants get downed, and just is crushed by all of them.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
All three are currently prone, do with that what you will. Is that your whole turn? Please say yes.

[SOPHIA]
Dani just picks up the cannon and blows on it. "That's what you get for messing with mechanics, bitch!" And that's my turn. I don't have any bonus actions, so that's my turn.

 
[NOIR]
Aww, I really hoped you would go, fuckin' Columbo, "one more thing".

[AUSTIN]
Fantastic.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
Tallak is gonna scramble up from prone and rush over. Tallak is not looking good, guys. Breathe on him strong, he's gonna be dead. He does have a standing leap of 30 feet, if that mattered.

[RED]
Whoa.

[AUSTIN]
But it doesn't. Ahh. He is gonna make one bite and one claw attack. So first with the claw against Dani. (dice thonks)

[SOPHIA]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
That is a 14 to hit!

[SOPHIA]
That does not hit, my AC is 15!

[AUSTIN]
Okay.

[RED]
Haha!

[AUSTIN]
Comes in, two claws miss, lunges past, and he's gonna come in with a bite. (dice thonks) Ugh, the most cocked a dice has ever been. Yes! Natural 16, so that's a 19 total?

[SOPHIA]
I'm gonna use my reaction to cast Shield, to bring my AC up to 20.
[RED]
Ha!

[AUSTIN]
Okay! He comes in with a bite, and you just throw— what does your Shield look like? I'm curious.

[SOPHIA]
It's sorta just a big, spectral gear that pops up, off the side of her arm where a cuff would be. So she just jukes in whatever direction she would dodge in, and there's a big, floating, orange gear that blocks the attack.

[AUSTIN]
Where mandibles would sink into your arm, instead these giant, clacking things latch onto a spectral gear, and you shake vigorously, and he falls backwards.

[SOPHIA]
Eh, git!

[AUSTIN]
That's all of his turn, this fucking comedy of errors is going great. Roan’s turn.

[RED]
Whiff, whiff, and then slams against the Shield. Solid gold.

[AUSTIN]
Roan is gonna get up from prone and run over to Kyana and try to stab.

[RED]
Oh, buddy.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, no.

[AUSTIN]
So he's gonna make a spear attack. You see two hands, pulls a spear off of his back, and gives one of those hyena cackles, that I *won't* try to imitate, 'cause I've been practicing all day for this moment, and I can't do it.

[NOIR]
You gotta! If you've been practicing, you gotta do it!

[AUSTIN]
It's so hard!

[SOPHIA]
How did you know we were gonna end up having to fight the hyena?

[AUSTIN]
I didn't give him a name for nothing. That's going to be a 16 to hit Kyana?

[RED]
Ooh, just barely misses, my friend. 17, baby!

[AUSTIN]
Aww, motherfuck. How come Austin doesn't get an inspiration? That's all I'm saying.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
Alright—

[RED]
"Good one, Austin! Inspiration for Austin!"

[AUSTIN]
Two spectral arms block the incoming spear, nearly yank it from its grasp, but hold on. VR-LA, your turn!

[NOIR]
Okay. VR-LA will just stand up, but he won't move anywhere. He will cast, at the third level, Tasha's Mind Whip at Roan and Vesper, so I believe the two people that are by Kyana.

[AUSTIN]
So that's an intelligence save?

[NOIR]
Yes, for the both of them.
[AUSTIN]
Neither of them are bright. We got some decent rolls here.

[NOIR]
Good.

[AUSTIN]
Minus two intelligence, cool! A 15 for the gnoll Roan?

[NOIR]
Oh, I think Roan saves. Yeah, my DC is 15.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. Gonna be a big fail on Vesper though, the oread.

[NOIR]
Okay.

[RED]
Oh, shame.

[NOIR]
So—

[AUSTIN]
Oh, I'm sorry, magic resistance! "Has advantage on saving throws against spells." (dice thonks) That's even worse. Never mind! (laughs) Even worse. Go ahead and tell me what Tasha's Mind Whip does.

[RED]
Ha!

[SOPHIA]
Aww.

[NOIR]
Okay, yeah. So on a success, they take 3d6 psychic damage, and they can't take a reaction until the end of its next turn. Moreover, on its next turn, it must choose between only one of the three, either movement, action, or bonus action. Can't do all three of those.

 
[RED]
Whoa!

[AUSTIN]
Okay! Do they take half damage on a save?

[NOIR]
On a success, just takes half— Yeah, half damage, and it doesn't suffer any of those other effects. Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Cool. So go ahead and tell me the damage.

[NOIR]
(dice rolls) So 3d6. Ehh, pretty decent. 13 for Vesper, I believe, and then that would be 12 for Roan.

[AUSTIN]
13, so then halved down to six, yeah.

[NOIR]
Yeah, six for Roan. "I apologize for the aggression, but if you continue to attack in this manner, we will have to defend ourselves."

[AUSTIN]
"Aah! You're already fucking defending yourselves!" Vesper's clutching her head now.

[RED]
Yeah, I think we're already defending ourselves. (laughs)

[NOIR]
Yeah, I know. "I think that ship has sailed, buddy!" He says, fully aware that Kyana was the one who *technically* instigated this physical... accostation.

[RED]
Hey! They dumped it on your head! They were squaring off!

[NOIR]
Yes they were. No, I know.

[AUSTIN]
VR-LA stands, the chair falls back, clatters on the ground. Finbar, what would you like to do?

[RED]
Tell me he's got the omelet in one hand.

[WALLY]
I'm currently sitting down, I'm just cutting a piece right now, and I see this going down, and I'm like, "Hmm. Okay, yeah. Nice." And then you see he puts down his utensils. And he stands up, and sort of disappears, as I use my hidden step as a Firbolg.

(oohing)

[WALLY]
Purely for flavor at this point.

(laughter)

[WALLY]
And I appear behind Tallak and I say, "Hi Dani."

[SOPHIA]
Oh, hey.

[WALLY]
And I whack him.

[AUSTIN]
Tallak goes, (aggressive clicking)

[RED]
Language!

[WALLY]
And... yeah. I whack him. (dice clatters)

[AUSTIN]
Cool. Finbar, are you intending to kill this guy?

 
[WALLY]
Oh, no.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. For the record, people do die in Sigil in fights. So, it wouldn't be out of this world if you want to.

[WALLY]
Yeah, but I don't wanna clean up the body.

[AUSTIN]
Fair enough. Go ahead, attack non-lethally.

[WALLY]
Cool.

[AUSTIN]
I'll tell you right now, you need a 15 to hit.

[WALLY]
Okay. Well, at advantage, it was a two, and then an 18.

[AUSTIN]
So, that's it. He had one, big ol' hit point left, so how do you take him down?

[RED]
(laughs)

[NOIR]
Dang.

[WALLY]
I take out the butt of my sickle, and I just, (bonk!) Knock him on the head.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, his arms curl in, like a spider that's been stepped on. And he goes down— oh, you're right next to that velvet couch? He flops down onto the couch, and then slides off onto the floor.
[RED]
(laughs)

[WALLY]
And then I say, "Okay, I'm gonna go finish my omelet. You finish up here."

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got it.

[NOIR]
Thank you, Finbar!

[RED]
(shouting) "Do we?!" I've still got this hyena man all up in my face.

[AUSTIN]
Kyana! We come back to you. Please end this comedy of errors.

[RED]
Alright, logically, I know I should punch him, but I just gotta know: is it possible that one of those real spicy omelets is within arm's reach of him?

(laughter)

[SOPHIA]
Yes!

[AUSTIN]
You got 10-foot arms, go for it!

[NOIR]
10-foot arms!

[SOPHIA]
Yes!

[WALLY]
You can grab my plate, my plate is right here.

 
[RED]
I wanna use... Perfect! Awesome. I wanna use one of my unoccupied astral arms and improvised weapon that into Mr. Hyena Man's face. I have no idea how this will stat out, mechanically.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. This is an attack roll.

[RED]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
So you'll have another attack after this.

[RED]
Right. If you hit, he's going to have to do the CON save. If he fails, I'll come up with something good.

[RED]
Alright. And it's just my Arms of the Astral Self attack?

[AUSTIN]
Wally might know— it's an improvised attack. So this is going to be... I'm gonna say it's dexterity. Do you add proficiency for improvised weapons, Wally? I don't think you do. No?

[WALLY]
No, you do not. No.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. So Kyana, go ahead and roll an attack with just your dexterity. So plus three or four or whatever it is— oh, no! You can use your wisdom because it's your Arms of the Astral Self.

[RED]
Right. If it were my DEX, it would be plus three. But because of my wisdom, it's actually plus four. So I will give that a shot.

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead. And you're rolling to hit. His AC is 15, so you gotta roll an 11 or higher.

[RED]
Alright, well, hopefully this works, otherwise he's just gonna get a little bit omeletted. Heh! Okay... it adds up to 18.

[AUSTIN]
That hits! So I'm gonna go ahead and roll a CON save for him.

[RED]
Heck, yes!

[AUSTIN]
Oh. God, stop being cocked.

[RED]
Oh, please. Please.

[SOPHIA]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, wait, okay. So I rolled a ten. Let's see what his CON is... Constitution... zero! That's a fail.

(cheering)

[AUSTIN]
I'm gonna say, let's see. This is... Let's go ahead and say he's poisoned until he saves from this.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
So you smack him and it gets in his eyes, so he's gonna have disadvantage on everything.

[WALLY]
Oh, that's huge.

[AUSTIN]
That's one attack. Do you have a second attack?

 
[RED]
Oh, it's better than I could have hoped! Of *course* I have a second attack!

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, immediately starts howling, *howling*, and scratching at his face.

[RED]
Alright, let's bop him! This one is unarmed, so I actually get my full bonus of plus seven. Okay, that adds up to 17.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, that'll hit.

[RED]
Yeah, I was assuming. So that's gonna be... nine points of force damage!

[AUSTIN]
Not too shabby.

[RED]
And now I get to decide... Yeah, you know what? We can do flurry of blows, and just do that again. I forget, are we homebrewing it so that doesn't cost ki, or does that one still cost ki?

[AUSTIN]
That costs ki, flurry of blows.

[RED]
Alrighty. One punch in your bonus action is always free, flurry of blows costs two. And again, for the audience, we have a little homebrew, because I personally feel that monks are taxed on resources. Her step of the wind (so dash, dodge, or disengage) is free, just like a rogue bonus action.

[RED]
And I think patient defense was the other one. But flurry of blows— yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Patient— yeah. Patient defense gives you the dodge, yeah.
[RED]
Alright. So, two more unarmed strikes. First one... (eh!) Oh! Hello, natural 20.

[WALLY]
Here we go.

[NOIR]
Nice!

[AUSTIN]
Okay. That's a crit. Go ahead and roll damage, just in case... We'll see.

[RED]
Right, okay. (heh!) Okay, 15.

[AUSTIN]
Ohh, this guy had 16 hit points. He's at one.

[RED]
Okay, one more hit. Please tell me I actually hit this time.

[AUSTIN]
Fire in the eyes, like, clawing. One just, (crack!) Astral arm comes up and this guy, he's a cartoon, teetering back and forth, now. A strong wind will take him down. That's twice this fight you guys have brought someone down to one.

[RED]
Not a crit, but it is a 19 total.

[AUSTIN]
Cool. Would you like to kill him or non-lethal?

[RED]
I wanna non-lethal. I mean, you know.

[AUSTIN]
Okay.

 
[RED]
Yeah, yeah. I mean, I did seven points of damage, but yes. I'm going to hit him with the least spiky part of my astral fist.

[AUSTIN]
(laughs) Cool. Yeah, does a 180 spin-around and then slumps down on the ground; the big chin slams on the ground, the teeth all clack together.

[RED]
Ohh.

[AUSTIN]
Does that end your turn?

[RED]
Oh yeah, yeah, that's about me sorted, I think.

[NOIR]
That's a mercy blow right there, you didn't even give him a chance to be poisoned.

[AUSTIN]
Okay.

[RED]
Exhilarating!

[AUSTIN]
It's Vesper's turn. Remind me Noir, what's up with— she can only take an action or a movement or something?

[NOIR]
She can only choose one of the three: a movement, a bonus action or an action.

[AUSTIN]
Cool, so she's gonna choose a movement to stand up from prone, run away, which is going to provoke an attack of opportunity from Kyana.

[RED]
Oh, really? Fun times.
[NOIR]
Oh yeah, yeah, because ten feet.

[RED]
Just a regular attack?

[AUSTIN]
Mm-hmm.

[RED]
Alrighty. (heh!) Ooh, a 19. Well, that's a total of 26. I'm just gonna assume that one hits.

[AUSTIN]
Yep, that's gonna hit.

[RED]
And only five points of force damage this time.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. Vesper runs out the door. I'm gonna do a quick little roll here... (dice thonks)

[NOIR]
A little love tap on the way out.

[RED]
Yeah. Bop!

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, we've got... Dani. Is there anything you would like to do?

[SOPHIA]
Just as she's running, like, the spot she ends up, I'm gonna cast Grease.

(laughter)

[SOPHIA]
'Cause I feel like we've pretty handily won, but I'd like to really hammer home the point that you don't mess with my boy VR-LA!

 
[AUSTIN]
(snickers) Okay. Does she make the save at the beginning or the end of her turn? Oh, I'm sorry. Now, or at the beginning of her turn?

[SOPHIA]
When it appears, she makes the save. And if she ends her turn there, then she would make the save again. But she makes it now as it appears. Mm-hmm.

[AUSTIN]
Fantastic.

[RED]
It's a shame we don't have momentum rules.

[AUSTIN]
You cast through your arcane focus. She is running out there, and suddenly, the entire floor, grease seeps up through the bottom. Definitely a health code violation. She's gonna make a DEX save. That's...

[NOIR]
♪ I got chills. ♪

[WALLY]
Yeah, we're gonna have to clean that one up.

[AUSTIN]
...a nine plus...

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[RED]
It's not the furniture.

[AUSTIN]
...two? An 11 is definitely not gonna save.

[SOPHIA]
No, DEX 15 is my save for that.

[AUSTIN]
So does she go prone again?

[SOPHIA]
She goes prone.

(laughter)

[NOIR]
Really fuckin' kicking them while they're down.

[AUSTIN]
She (vwoop!) feet out from underneath her, slides, goes all the way into this door here, (boom!) slams into it.

[NOIR]
Ouch.

[SOPHIA]
(cackles)

[AUSTIN]
It's the two baddies' turns, they're both unconscious. VR-LA, before you can act, you see Vesper slides, falls, is trying to get up, like newborn giraffe feet, trying to get up from this oil. And you just hear a voice coming from in the hall, someone who must have just entered, say, "I don't know who you are, friend, but that's pretty embarrassing. Maybe you should just... stay down."

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
And a glint of magic goes off, and you see Vesper, immediately goes unconscious and slumps back.

[NOIR]
Oh, okay.

[AUSTIN]
Finbar, you recognize the voice.

 
[WALLY]
Ahh, of course.

[AUSTIN]
It is an old friend of yours, and the setting, of course, betrays. In walks, you see, a human woman. Finbar, actually, if you want to go ahead and give a description, you know her better than I do.

[WALLY]
Umm, yes. Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
It is, in fact, Elyse.

[WALLY]
So Elyse is human woman. She looks like a typical local of Sigil. She carries, you've seen this sigil on me, a strange, weird swirl in red. It's clear that we belong to the same artisanal guild of chefs. She has blond, curly hair. She's a bit on the short side, maybe five feet even. Very bubbly personality, and very quick with her magic.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. She walks in sees you, Finbar, and goes, "I should have guessed: Finbar, as reasonable as ever, and somehow still getting into a dustup."

[WALLY]
Hey, look, that's... Look, it's a whole thing, y'know, making fun of the robot and all that, and I let the folks settle it. And, y'know, we had that. You didn't have to do all that. And now we got to clean up the grease, and now we got to take these bodies out. So Elyse, just give us a second here, alright? Just give us a second.

[RED]
Hi. I'm new!

[AUSTIN]
(chuckles) "You are new!" She appraises; none of you, except for Finbar, have actually ever met this person. Up to Finbar if he's ever mentioned her. Definitely not to Kyana, but if he's ever mentioned her to anyone else.

 
[WALLY]
No.

[AUSTIN]
No? Okay, yeah. So you never heard of this person, but she seems very familiar. You see, she waves her hand, and a Prestidigitation clears away some of the scorch marks from the missed fire; and she comes in, to the chair that VR-LA knocked down when he stood up, and picks it up.

"This is why you should leave the cities to me and stay in your nonsense— What's the place they call it, with all the trees and the bugs?"

[WALLY]
The forest? The Feywild? Don't— oh, okay. Well.

[AUSTIN]
"That's the word, yes. The forest."

[WALLY]
We had it. Okay, Elyse? We had it.

[AUSTIN]
She turns to Kyana, says, "Elyse. And you are?"

[RED]
Kyana. Nice to meet you!

[AUSTIN]
She shakes your hand, looks you up and down, turns to Finbar, says, "Where's she from?"

[WALLY]
We picked her up back in the Sea.

[AUSTIN]
"I didn't ask where you got her, I asked where she's from." She turns back to appraise Kyana and she says, "Let's see, you're clearly not from around here... So a different planar—"

[RED]
No, it's so exciting though.
[AUSTIN]
“No spell book. Any mage wouldn't be caught dead without that in Sigil, so I'm going to guess you're not here by arcane magic. No holy symbols, don't think you use the old magics. ...You from the Prime Material Plane?"

[RED]
Umm... Possibly? Does that have any holes that go down, like, real far? If it does, probably. I didn't go outside very much.

[AUSTIN]
"'Holes that go down real far' describes a lot of places. But yeah, judging by the shininess on you, I'm gonna say you're a mundy." She turns back to Finbar and says—

[NOIR]
"Mundy"?

[RED]
(whispers) Is that good?

[AUSTIN]
(laughs) She goes, "It's fine. Welcome to the madness that is Sigil; and I assume you ended up here on accident if you're... yeah."

[RED]
Yeah, well— it kinda— I mean, there was intent *involved*, but... You know what? I don't think I can give you very good answers to any of the questions you might have about me, because I don't know either.

[WALLY]
It's okay, she asks a lot of questions.

[AUSTIN]
"Well, welcome to Sigil."

[RED]
"Thank you!" I'm gonna start fixing the furniture.

[AUSTIN]
"Not being able to give good answers is a running theme here."

[RED]
Good!

[AUSTIN]
She says, "So these are the members of the crew you've been running with?"

[WALLY]
Yeah, yeah. So this is the crew of the Per Aspera. We got Dani over here, whiz with anything that isn't nature.

[SOPHIA]
Dani is crouched on the couch, standing over the unconscious body of Tallak with a gun in her hands. Gives a little wave.

[WALLY]
And then we got the robot over here, VR-LA.

[NOIR]
Hello! I am VR-LA.

[WALLY]
Also real smart. I've a feeling y'all get along real well.

[AUSTIN]
"Hello, VR-LA."

[WALLY]
And you met Kyana.

[RED]
Yep.

[AUSTIN]
"I have; very sweet. Take a seat. Peaseblossom! We need someone to clean this stuff up." He comes in, he's like, "What are we talkin— Oh, whoa! What did I miss in here? What? What the fuck's going on? I was in here 90 seconds ago, now suddenly—"

[WALLY]
Sorry about that, 'Blossom.

[RED]
Felt longer.

[AUSTIN]
"Ahh, It's alright. Alright, hold on." He starts waving his hand and the three start magically levitating. Elyse turns back, she says, "Talked to Grayson," who is the guy you bought the salt from, if you remember?

[WALLY]
Mm-hmm.

[AUSTIN]
"He said you were back in town, so I figured you'd stop by your old haunt. Should have assumed you'd do what you usually do as well." She turns back to the beat-up people.

"You guys still in the business of picking up odd jobs? That's what you said, the ship was sort of a gofer kinda situation, right?"

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, we actually just finished, I'd say, a very successful one not, like, an hour ago.

[RED]
(laughs) Well, the job was successful, it was the "everything else" that was a little questionable.

[SOPHIA]
We got paid!

[RED]
We did! That was really impressive.

[SOPHIA]
We got paid, we found out what was in the box (spoiler alert: It was a bunch of eggs), and the ship's intact, so I see this as an absolute win!

[RED]
Yep. Yeah, you do.

 
[AUSTIN]
"See, this is why I've hung up my adventurer's outfit. Steady employment: way safer, and you still get paid, it turns out. You all seem so confused by that concept."

[RED]
Money is a little bit new to me anyway.

[AUSTIN]
"Sorry, shouldn't be judgmental, I know this is some people's thing. Oh, well, let me tell you, you're gonna enjoy it."

[RED]
Really? Huh. I mean, it's kinda shiny.

[AUSTIN]
"Anyway, so I have a new employer who just so happens to be in a bit of a spot. I thought, Finbar, if you, I dunno, wanted to get your hands dirty on this one, you might be interested in picking up an extra job?"

[WALLY]
I mean, everybody here has got an equal vote. I mean, I'm always down for adventure, you know that. So. I mean...

[RED]
I am also always down for adventure.

[AUSTIN]
"Oh, is there not a captain among you?"

[NOIR]
Would you like to be our captain?

[RED]
Do we have a captain? Oh, no.

[SOPHIA]
We're more of, like... a democracy?

[WALLY]
No, no...

[AUSTIN]
She smiles.

[WALLY]
Don't— no. Don't give that to Elyse, nuh-uh. She ain't my captain. That ain't happening.

[AUSTIN]
"Flattered, certainly."

[RED]
I think I assumed the cat was in charge, but,,,

[SOPHIA]
I mean, Plug is a very stately presence on the ship, but I don't know if he qualifies as the captain. I guess technically, VR-LA's the captain? 'Cause it's his ship.

[NOIR]
I am... Nope.

[RED]
That makes sense to me!

[AUSTIN]
Hah!

(laughter)

[SOPHIA]
Well, that settles that.

[WALLY]
We're all the captain, we're all the captain. we're all co-captains.

[RED]
Co-captains!

[SOPHIA]
Look at us, look at us: we're all the captains now.

(laughter)
[RED]
Oh, no.

[AUSTIN]
She arches one eyebrow. "...Right. Okay, co-captains. If you're interested, my employer is a bit of a collector, picks up odds and ends from all over the the 'Scape. Just so happens that his usual go-getters are tied up a little bit, so he's looking for someone to take care of a pressing matter. Interested?"

[WALLY]
I mean, I'm not hearing details.

[RED]
Yes.

[WALLY]
So, I'm excited, but...

[AUSTIN]
"Well, you'll hear details from Hira. They've got an entrance to their demiplane about a 20 minute walk from here. And if you're interested, you talk to the boss there, and then they'll give you the job."

[RED]
I think it sounds cool.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah. Why not, right?

[RED]
Past experience suggests we're going to have to fight at least three people on the way. But... Eh, I don't mind.

[WALLY]
Oh, no, there's always going to be that.

[AUSTIN]
"Oh don't worry. You run with me in my city? No one's gonna fuck with you. Which, speaking of, we should get out of here before the dabus show up."

[RED]
Oh, who are that? Is that bad? That sounds bad.

[WALLY]
Yeah, yeah.

[AUSTIN]
She turns to you and says, "The dabus are the the Lady's, sort of... peacekeepers? Enforcers? Mostly they're not really interested in justice, just keeping things quiet. So if we leave before they show up—

[RED]
Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, let's get outta here right now.

[AUSTIN]
They're— that makes them sound worse than they are. They're not exactly..."

[RED]
You don't need to sell me on it, i get it! I know how that works!

[AUSTIN]
"They're mostly ambivalent to things. but even so, talking to them is a huge pain because they don't actually... speak? so best just to clear out and, the mess will be cleaned up.

[RED]
I am already picking up anything that we've— like someone's coat. Y'know, I'm just like, "Okay, yep! Cool! I'm sold, let's get out of here."

[WALLY]
Alright. Peaseblossom, we're gonna head out.

[AUSTIN]
"Alright, Fin. Yo, don't be a stranger, alright?"

[WALLY]
Yeah. I'll be back in no time. Alright, y'all grab everything, let's dip.

[AUSTIN]
"Yeah, I'll let Sidonie know you say goodbye."

[SOPHIA]
Bye.

[AUSTIN]
You guys clean up what you can. The grease fades, unconscious bodies are piled on a direwolf-shaped rug, and you make your way back out into the streets of Sigil.

You guys enter— exit, I should say, out of the Sprite Spring and back into the bustling streets of Sigil. Leading the way, Elyse leads you through the various winding streets: some, wide streets with market stalls; others, little alleys that Finbar, your wide shoulders, you're going to have to turn, like, 30 degrees to get through. Elyse knows all the back ways, in and out: this is her deal.

On the way, she says, "So! Since I finished my training, I floated around here and there; but most recently, I took up employment under a being called Hira (he/they, by the way), calls himself the Grand Connoisseur, as personal chef. And it's a pretty cushy gig. Anyway, 'Grand Connoisseur' is a fancy way of saying 'this guy is a total hoarder'. They're interested in anything and everything that comes in from anywhere out in the Planescape. So lots to see... lots to *not touch*,"

[WALLY]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
"and keep in mind that while we're in Sigil, technically back in the plane of Elemental Air, they're... quasi-royalty? So just mind manners, and you should be fine."

[WALLY]
Best behavior. Gotcha.

[AUSTIN]
"Likes to be called 'the Grand Connoisseur' or 'Your Grace'. Any flattery will really suit them just fine."

[WALLY]
Flattery, alright.

[SOPHIA]
Gotcha, grandy.

[RED]
Okay, flattery.

[WALLY]
"Grandy"? No, butter 'em up.

[AUSTIN]
"Yeah, definitely you." She points to Dani. "Because you're also primordial-born, you're also a genasi." She points, she says, "Yeah, definitely you especially."

[SOPHIA]
"Me" be a title, too? Or "me"—

[AUSTIN]
"No, the djinnis and the efreetis, the fire genies and air genies, are sometimes, y'know." (clashes fists together) "Not as bad as marids, mind you. But even so, y'know, just mind your footsteps."

[SOPHIA]
"Yeah, yeah, I can mind my manners, I'm frickin' polite." And Dani strikes a match and lights a cigarette, as she's walking, on the side of her still-out cannon. "I'm the pinnacle of politeness!"

[RED]
With the little chicken legs.

[AUSTIN]
She turns to Finbar and she goes, "Is she gonna get me fired?"

[WALLY]
Honestly? I don't know.

[AUSTIN]
She goes, "Alright. Take a chance, make the boss happy."

[WALLY]
I know that headache; it's okay, it goes away.

[RED]
Umm, could you give me an example of how flattery would work?

[AUSTIN]
"Does it? does it?"

[RED]
Just real quick, just so i know what that looks like?

[AUSTIN]
"Oh! Umm, 'Your Excellency, I have heard nothing but amazing tales of your exploits and grand collection. truly, we are humbled to be standing amongst your wares and collections. Thank you for treating with us.'"

[RED]
Okay, okay. And that's polite! That's like what they want to hear?

[AUSTIN]
"Yes! Alright, okay. I mean, it's laying it on a bit thick, but for Hira, it would work."

[RED]
Alright. Awesome. Alright, I got this.

[AUSTIN]
"We're here." You see, you've come to a smallish blue tower with a cool spiral design that goes up it. For probably everyone except Kyana, who is new to this stuff, this is definitely an entrance to a demiplane, because it's super small, and this is exactly that kind of stuff that they do.

There's a door; Elyse rests her hand on it and whispers something to it, and a quick gold outline shines around it, and then she opens it. And you see an interior space far larger than the exterior could possibly hold. She motions to enter.

[SOPHIA]
Right before stepping through, Dani tosses her cigarette on the ground, snuffs it out, and dispels the cannon to try and look more presentable.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
Elyse will cast a Prestidigitation to try and get some of the smell off of you.

[RED]
Wow.

[SOPHIA]
Hey.

[AUSTIN]
Cool. "That's... you're coiffed, looking great, my friend. After all of you, please."

[NOIR]
VR-LA is gonna try and just polish his armor a little bit.

[RED]
I'm trying to buff out the worst of the the soot marks.

[AUSTIN]
Roll initiative! No.

(mild despairing)

[AUSTIN]
You you guys enter through the door, and as I said, those of you who are familiar immediately realize that you are inside of a demiplane. In other words, not one of the great real true planes, the worlds that exist in this Great Wheel; but a smaller pocket dimension, so to speak.

The space inside is enormous; you have entered what seems to be a courtyard. It seems like it would be a front lawn, but there is, in fact, walls all around it, they're just quite some ways away. It is enormous. There is a vaulted, really high ceiling that is strung with enchanted lights that are giving off sunlight to let these plants grow.

You see trees and shrubs of all different shapes and, frankly, varying beauty, some of these things are hard to look at. But the important thing is there are tons of them, there's no more than one of each tree. Dani you recognize some of the... I believe they're called the serpent trees, they're an ash tree that grow in the Plane of Fire. There's a genasi servant who has a pitcher that's pouring magma, like to water it. There's a tree that is gnarled and twisted and black, and there's just a couple crows sitting in it; that's definitely from the Shadowfell. It gives off, as you walk past— it casts too much shadow. All sorts of different things. There's a tree that is a perfect spiraling fractal; its branches are evenly spaced, the twigs that come off of them form these perfect, evenly spaced little fractaling shapes. That is definitely from Bytopia or one of the Heavens, it's some sort of ordered tree.

You pass through all of this and head towards an archway, over which, a huge banner carrying a seal, a blue banner with a seal of a silhouetted female form astride a hippogriff in profile; enter in through under that and find yourself in a great hall. All over this hall, there are stuffed and mounted heads of various beasts and monstrosities.

[WALLY]
Anything I would recognize?

[AUSTIN]
Oh, totally. There's a displacer beast, definitely, here. You see a blink dog is hanging on the wall.

[RED]
Anything I recognize?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, there definitely will. Go ahead and roll a perception check.

[RED]
Perception check.

[AUSTIN]
Everyone can roll a perception check. Why not, why not?

[WALLY]
Okay, yeah.

[RED]
Yeah, why not? Perception checks for everybody! Woo!

[NOIR]
Yay.
[SOPHIA]
I wanna specifically look for anything that looks mechanite, mechanical, or robotic; or looks at all like VR-LA.

[AUSTIN]
You got a one track mind. Go ahead: Wally, Noir, Sophia, and then Red. Tell me what you rolled.

[WALLY]
17 for Finbar.

[AUSTIN]
Okay.

[NOIR]
15 for Noir. Er, for VR-LA.

[AUSTIN]
Okay.

[RED]
12 for Kyana.

[AUSTIN]
Cool.

[SOPHIA]
16 for Dani.

[WALLY]
Ooh, big.

[AUSTIN]
16 for—

[SOPHIA]
That's good for Dani.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. Finbar, you see, the things I already mentioned from the Feywild; yeah, there's an owlbear head. As far as mechanical beings, there's a head of— I don't know if you know exactly, but picture in your head, there's definitely an iron golem. I'd say actually, it's probably a full body of an iron golem standing against one of the walls. Over it is this enormous canine, as big as a man.

Kyana, stuff you recognize: there's definitely stuff from the Underdark here. So I'd say you probably recognize, like, it looks like a bloated spider head.

[RED]
Oh.

[AUSTIN]
That's an ettercap, you've definitely fought those before. Most of the things you that come out of the Underdark for you, though, are humanoids, which there aren't any humanoid heads hanging up here.

[RED]
Okay, that's actually good! That's good to know.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. I mean—

[RED]
Look, you never know with fantasy collectors!

[AUSTIN]
Hanging over the door at the far end where you're approaching, there is a gold dragon head; which, if someone wants to roll an arcana or history check on it.

[NOIR]
Oh, yeah, I'll do that.

[RED]
I get plus zero on both.

[AUSTIN]
So, yeah. Why don't we let VR-LA, the researcher, handle it?

[RED]
Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, there's a manticore, you got all sorts of stuff.

[NOIR]
Okay! Umm... 21.

[RED]
21.

[AUSTIN]
21? Yeah. So gold dragons are typically lauded as bastions of goodness and law and stuff like that, so... Like, there's a lot of bad creatures' heads, stuff up here, but definitely also a gold dragon head is... a little sus.

[RED]
I think this collector might be a smidge problematic, you guys.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. There's also, by the way, there's heads of various, what you know to be, devils and demons, which is super hard because devils and demons that are killed on other worlds just (snap).

[WALLY]
Turns to smoke.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, devils turn to smoke and demons turn to ichor. In order to stuff a head of one, you'd have to go to Hell, kill one there, stuff it, and then return it. So it's like a huge flex that there's a pit fiend head on the wall here. Not to mention, killing a pit fiend is no small task.

[NOIR]
Are these trophies that he had acquired himself, or did he purchase them or collect them from somebody else?

[AUSTIN]
“He always gets them from third parties, he doesn't go anywhere to collect anything. People bring stuff to them.”
[NOIR]
Gotcha.

[RED]
So they're flexing that they can get them from other people, not that they could defeat them themselves?

[AUSTIN]
“Correct, yeah.”

[RED]
So it's a social power thing. Okay, I'm up to speed.

[AUSTIN]
She lowers her voice. "I mean, djinnis are very powerful, but..." She looks up at the pit fiend and the iron golem.

[RED]
Not that powerful.

[AUSTIN]
"No. But please, this way." She leads you to double doors, says, "Here we go," pulls them open.

You enter into a third space: also spacious, but this time, cramped. There are boxes everywhere, it's full hoarder nonsense in here. Things are stacked up, there's rolled rugs and things covered in sheets and stuff all over. Towards the back of the room on a semi-raised platform, maybe a foot up, so not necessarily elevated like a magnificent throne, but certainly, "hey, I rest a little bit above everything else here," you see, there is a an air genasi standing with a scroll, listing some things off; and you see, lounging but not resting on the couch, so they're kinda lounged out and floating maybe two or three inches above the surface of the velvet cushions, you see the djinni, the air genie. Pale blue skin, just a hint of a little bit of black facial hair coming in, a huge flop of black hair to one side, their legs folded together.

Elyse clears her throat and says, "Grand Connoisseur Hira. I have brought the adventuring party that I promised. They are interested in your proposal and eager to hear you out."

You see Hira sits up, still floating the entire time, nods and gives a wave of the hand. Elyse bows her head, turns to the rest of you, says, "Best of luck!" Walks out, closes the doors behind her.

The air genasi, so basically like Dani, but an air being, approaches the end of the raised platform, puts the scroll away and says, "Please approach the Grand Connoisseur, royalty in the Lands of Castles in the Sky—"

Hira says, "Enough! I've told you: no more of the whole introduction. It's *fine*. They're here to talk to me, I'm here to talk to them. You know? It's my house, of course, but they don't— we don't need to go through it every single time. It's really fine. It's really fine."

Dejected, the herald sort of, "Yes, Your Grace, of course." Backs away. Hira gives a big wave, says, "Please! Approach," rises up and walks, without touching the ground, to the edge of the platform, and then descends one step to meet almost your level. They are tall, but not as tall as Finbar. They're taller than a regular human, but Finbar is giantkin. So they're standing at, like, maybe 6'5"? Finbar's pushing way past that.

[WALLY]
I kinda hunch over to make sure I'm not taller than...

[AUSTIN]
You do, and you see they clock it, and rise up off the ground a little bit.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
To make that easier for you.

[RED]
How to talk to short people.

[WALLY]
Yeah.

 
[AUSTIN]
They extend a hand, and it's not really a shake so much as it is just a clasp for each of you. "Please call me Hira, although you may have heard of me as the Grand Connoisseur. Not a title I gave to myself, but it does fit the bill. Please, tell me your names; I make it a point to learn all that I can of those I employ."

[NOIR]
Hello, I am VR-LA. You are pretty! Nice to meet you.

[AUSTIN]
"Why, thank you! That is very flattering. I will say most— oh, yes?"

[RED]
Oh Exalted One, it is an honor to be in your presence. This humble one is Kyana of the Prime Material Plane, and I am honored to be part of this crew.

[AUSTIN]
"Ooh!"

[RED]
Lovely to meet you, your esteemed exalted highness.

[AUSTIN]
"All the way from the material world. Fascinating. Well, I am humbled to be in your presence.

[NOIR]
She's a material girl.

[RED]
That's neat. I'm crossing adjectives off the list.

[AUSTIN]
I almost want to give him an inspiration for the Madonna reference.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
They turn to Finbar.

[WALLY]
I am Finbar; you can call me the Hunter. Friend of Elyse.

[AUSTIN]
"Ahh, a grand title. I love a good title. Ooh! Strong grip." They notice the bracers you have. "Oh, fascinating bit of artifacts here. These are jötunn-made if I'm not mistaken, correct?"

[WALLY]
They're from home.

[AUSTIN]
"I see. playing things close to the chest, I can appreciate that. And down here we have?"

[RED]
Oh, god.

[SOPHIA]
Hi, I'm Dani.

[AUSTIN]
"Hello, Dani, welcome to my palace. Grand, do you not think?"

[SOPHIA]
Yes. It's, uhh, very grand. It is certainly—

[AUSTIN]
"Yes. Leaves those palaces in the City of Brass in the dirt, doesn't it?"

[SOPHIA]
...Sure!

[RED]
It's *very grand* and *super cool* and we *all* like it a lot, right, Dani?

[SOPHIA]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
"Okay. I'm going to go sit down again."

[RED]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
They walk back and sit back on the on the couch, as much as you could call it sitting. "So how much has Elyse informed you of the situation as it stands currently?"

[WALLY]
Elyse wasn't too forthcoming with the details. You collect unique and impressive things, and...

[AUSTIN]
"I do indeed. I see you're collectors yourselves; I've never seen anything like your staff, mechanite."

[NOIR]
Oh. Neither have I, until I found it.

[AUSTIN]
"Fascinating. And one-who-hails-from-the-material-world, these slippers you wear, these are taken from a warrior of Lolth, if i'm not mistaken. Correct?"

[RED]
Yeah, that's what they tell me.

[AUSTIN]
"And a curious device you wear on your hip as well, elemental."

[SOPHIA]
Oh, yeah. It lets me fix stuff.

[AUSTIN]
"Invigorating. Yes. I am a collector, and I'm in need of a retrieval. I have a party that usually takes care of such things for me. They are currently, however, on assignment in Carceri, and have been actually unable to leave that plane for some time. So I was somewhat anxious when I heard a tip about something new from my collection that I just *must* have before someone else gets their little (grumbles) on it. Yes, I was hoping you could fill in as substitute. And if we decide we like the relationship, perhaps keep you on retainer for future endeavors."
[SOPHIA]
Well, we certainly are an adventuring party who does that sort of thing; so yeah, we'd be happy to pick up some work for you and find this... thing you're looking for.

[AUSTIN]
"I'm glad to hear you're so eager to impress. There were whispers through Sigil recently, the location of a massive form of flotsam/jetsam floating in the Astral Sea. The rumors are that it is the husk of some previously unknown dead god. As you might—" and he especially turns to Kyana. He's like, "As you might not be aware, this is a somewhat abnormal thing to occur."

[RED]
I would hope so.

[AUSTIN]
"And well, there are some— In fact, there's a great city built upon a dead god. But there's no time for that right now. There is some concern that some might investigate this; beat me to the punch, so to speak. So I was hoping you could leave soon and delve into it.

My interests lie specifically in the hope that you might be able to procure me its... unbeating heart? If it has one, of course; I mean, who's to say that it hasn't been eaten by some horrible parasite? But if it exists, I can think of nothing better to add to my collection than the heart of a dead god. Think of what they will say in the streets of Sigil! My collection will be envied by all! My collection will be envied by all!”

[NOIR]
It would not be dead, though.

[AUSTIN]
“Sorry?"

[NOIR]
It would not be dead if it is beating. ...Is this not correct?

[AUSTIN]
"*Un*beating! Unbeating, my good— yes."

 
[RED]
Unbeating; unbeating heart.

[NOIR]
I misheard.

[AUSTIN]
"I'm trying to— obviously, 'a dead heart' doesn't sound— 'Unbeating', it sounds a little more evocative, you know?

[WALLY]
Good words. Yes.

[NOIR]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
"Anyway, I have the location, so far as we were able to coerce it out of a traveler on the Astral Sea. It should hopefully not take you too long, perhaps a day or two? But if you are interested, of course, there is, of course, a fee for taking the job; and upon return, a bonus: if you return with proof that you completed the job, but that the heart was not present, then a smaller bonus. And of course, with the heart, a most sizable one, I promise.

Do you take any particular kind of payment? Do you prefer gold? Gems? I'm always in the mood for a bargain, so if there's something you specifically seek, I would be happy to see if I have any extras to spare."

[NOIR]
What is the shiniest currency you have?

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
"The shiniest currency. I have to admit, I don't think I've ever been asked that one. I do have diamonds pulled straight from the plane of Elemental Earth. They've been under immense pressure for the entirety of time, so they're quite beautiful.

[RED]
Me too, buddy.
[SOPHIA]
Mood.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
"I like you! What a good sense of humor. And no one around here has any sense of humor around me, they're all so stiff and worried I'm going to have them... I don't even know! What, do you think I'm going to kill you or someth—"

He turns to the assistant and he's like, "Of course not, Your Grace. We seek only to bestow upon you all of the—" and then he's like, "Shh, no, that's not the answer I was looking for! No! (deep sigh) So, have we business proposition then?"

[NOIR]
I turn to Kyana. "Do diamonds sound agreeable with you?"

[RED]
I've heard they are extremely hard to break, so that's good, right?

[WALLY]
Poor girl don't know what money is. Okay. Alright.

[RED]
I'm going to lean over to Dani and be like, "Listen, I just really wanna see the dead god, that sounds really cool."

[WALLY]
Yeah. You know what? Yeah, me too. I kind of want to see the dead god as well.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah. Yeah, this sounds like fun. And also, it sounds like it would get us back to the ship, which is where I like being. So I'm down.

[WALLY]
Alright, alright.

[AUSTIN]
"Yes, I've heard you're in possession of a spelljam—"
[NOIR]
The proposition is agreeable!

[AUSTIN]
“Excellent— possession of a spelljammer. Very rare and exciting, my friends. If it's agreeable, excellent."

[SOPHIA]
Yes, it's a fascinating model too. we've been really working on souping it up ever since we first found it. Actually, VR-LA here was discovered with— (mmph!)

[RED]
Okay. Okay, okay! Okay! We're super down for this mission. That sounds really exciting and fun, and diamonds sound great, I think. Right?

[NOIR]
The spelljammer is not for sale.

[AUSTIN]
"Fantastic. Evren will draw up a contract for you, and we will send you with the materials you need presently. Thank you so much, and if you'll excuse me, I have other matters to attend to now." And you see, they reach over and pull up a bowl of grapes that's been sitting nearby.

(laughter)

[NOIR]
God.

[RED]
This guy's life is awesome!

[AUSTIN]
Evren, who is the air genasi herald, leads you away. Elyse had been waiting outside the whole time. She's like, "How'd it go? Go good?"

[SOPHIA]
We got a job.

[AUSTIN]
"Yes! Alright."
[NOIR]
He will give us diamonds.

[WALLY]
The man is particular.

[AUSTIN]
"Yes, they are... they're a character."

[WALLY]
How's how's the pay for the job, though?

[AUSTIN]
"Oh, it's ridiculous. It's so high."

[WALLY]
I can't imagine how you landed that. Every time it's a different place, and you've outdone yourself this time.

[AUSTIN]
"Well, that's sort of my specialty. My magic, so to speak."

[WALLY]
Okay. Okay, yeah. Alright, don't let it get to your head.

[AUSTIN]
"Oh, it went to my head long ago. Take care. Hope to see you when you get back, Fin."

[WALLY]
Alright. Thanks for the tip.

[AUSTIN]
"And don't be a stranger, y'know?"

[WALLY]
Well, I mean, you always found me. I don't have to seek you out. That's just how it goes.

[AUSTIN]
"That's true. You're just so tall, it's easy to find you."

[RED]
He is very tall.

[AUSTIN]
She gives a wink. "Pleasure to meet all of you.”

[WALLY]
Oh my god.

[AUSTIN]
“If you'll excuse me, I have a celestial boar that's been in the oven for 15 days now, and I have to baste it every 90 minutes, so I'll be back." She won't be back.

[WALLY]
She will hopefully not.

[AUSTIN]
She heads off. And yeah, your contract is drawn up: agreed-upon price of 500 gold apiece, in diamonds, for undertaking the voyage—

[RED]
In diamonds!

[AUSTIN]
—an additional 200 if you come back with proof you at least attempted the mission; and an additional 1000 if you come back with the dead heart.

[NOIR]
Ooh!

[RED]
Sorry, so do we get the 500 gold in diamonds right now?

[AUSTIN]
Yep!

[RED]
Dang. Okay.

 
[AUSTIN]
It's not one diamond, it's many, many diamonds.

[RED]
Well, yes. Yes.

[AUSTIN]
500 gold piece, single diamond does exist, but. You get your payment up front. Evren asks which of you is the navigator?

[NOIR]
That would be me.

[RED]
Me! I'm the navigator. Wait—

[NOIR]
That would not be me.

[WALLY]
No, no— That's the robot.

[NOIR]
...I think. I forgot.

[AUSTIN]
"...Certainly." He gingerly hands out for anyone to take—

[NOIR]
This was not established!

[AUSTIN]
—a disk.

[RED]
I'm so sorry!

[AUSTIN]
No, no, no. In character, I don't think you guys know. Up until now, it's usually VR-LA because they're the one who's helming, too.

 
[NOIR]
Yeah.

[WALLY]
Yeah.

[RED]
Mm, right. Yes. But— Oh, no, I think it was behind the scenes discussion where it's like, "well you've got really good insight, so." Oh, no!

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. Survival or arcana would be the best way to navigate, but piloting is a whole different thing. Regardless, he extends a disk.

[NOIR]
Oh, okay.

[AUSTIN]
You guys take it. If you put this into your navigation device that's a map of the Sea of Stars, it's like a big dome that can pinpoint where you are and pinpoint the direction you need to head. The Sea of Stars is, of course, infinite and endless, and time there does not work quite well. So it's hard to determine distance, but direction? And so it can give you a heading.

"From what we understand, this is the direction you should head. Best of luck. I'm sure that there is no reason to be afraid of stepping upon the bloated, dead remains of a former god. Goodbye." He will escort you out, and you have your job.

[SOPHIA]
Alright.

[RED]
Awesome. Let's go see the dead god!

[NOIR]
Would you like to navigate, Kyana?

 
[WALLY]
We gotta make sure we got everything we need before we head out. Because once we get out there, good luck finding anything. So, you know, make sure y'all got the food— well, I mean, I got the food we need, so we'll be fine once we land on the dead god. Make sure we got weapons, potions, whatever else.

[AUSTIN]
This is a good time. We won't do a full shopping, but if there's any minor things you guys want to take care of.

[SOPHIA]
Dani opens her trench coat pocket and looks inside and is like, "Multi-tool? Okay. Crowbar? Great.”

[WALLY]
(laughs)

[AUSTIN]
Okay.

[SOPHIA]
Tinderbox? Excellent. I'm all set!

[AUSTIN]
Hey, money won't go bad.

[RED]
I used my healing potion last time... Eh, it's probably fine. We're good.

[AUSTIN]
...Okay!

[RED]
Why would I need a healing potion on a dead god?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, exactly. This is gonna be a piece of cake.

[WALLY]
Can we get, like, three or five healing potions?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, common healing potions cost 50 gold apiece. Deduct however much you need to from the... and you can— 500 diamonds is important if you're casting spells, but mostly you can just consider it gold pieces, people will exchange it for you.

[SOPHIA]
I will get one standard healing potion, that feels right.

[NOIR]
Who's keeping track of the money between us? I can do it.

[SOPHIA]
We each got 500, right?

[NOIR]
Oh, we *each* got 500. Ohh, okay. I misheard. That's a *lot*.

[AUSTIN]
Yep. Welcome to the Planescape, baby! The money is needed when you guys drop into port. We sort of hand-waved it in the very first session, but going in and out of places and greasing palms and all these sorts of things technically do cost money, so.

You guys seek out vendors, buy them out of their stock of healing potions, make your way to the dock, and we see, finally, the namesake of the show, the Per Aspera, in all of her mahogany wood glory.

[RED]
Yay!

[SOPHIA]
Eyy.

[AUSTIN]
Her three masts, one where a standard mast would be, and the other two extending out like great fins, floating docked. The modrons who run the dock there complete the transaction. They make space in the schedule for you to depart. Small little Mike Wazowski robot–looking guys, for context. You guys make your way aboard.

 
Beyond having a helm for moving through space, the Per Aspera is also armed with the ability to Planeshift directly to the Astral Sea. So what makes you guys the go-to for odd jobs is that unlike a lot of planar travel, where it's very difficult— it takes a lot of effort to make something that's able to Planeshift to a specific place, so people who want to trade might have the ability to Planeshift back to their home plane where they need to go; more likely, they have trade routes and they move through different portals, back to Sigil and then back to the Astral Sea, and then off to whatever city they've come from. And of course, there's only so many places you can reach in each plane from the Astral Sea because they only touch in one spot— so, you guys are special and unique in the fact that you can just go when you need to.

I assume VR-LA's at the helm. You guys all strap in and the ship unmoors, and then in a flash, you guys leave Sigil and feel yourselves rushing upward violently, as if you are in a bubble that is desperate to surface. And you realize that's basically what's happening as you crest up from the water. A splash, although not a drop on any of you or on the actual deck of the ship, you find yourselves on the endless mirror surface: the Sea of Stars, the Astral Sea, the great world between worlds. Endless stars in the sky reflected perfectly in the mirrored surface around you, vague mists drifting here and there. You have your heading.

[RED]
Woo-hoo!

[WALLY]
That never gets old.

[AUSTIN]
You proceed.

[RED]
Let's go find that dead god!

[AUSTIN]
It will take you the better part of a day, which means you will all get long rests.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, thank god.

[WALLY]
Fantastic.

[AUSTIN]
Which you'll take shortly. What do you do in the meantime? How do you four spend your time upon the ship? Is this a shifts situation? Someone does need to be sitting in the helm for it to go, so if VR-LA needs to sleep, then someone else needs to helm it.

[NOIR]
I'll offer it to Kyana, because she seemed interested in it.

[RED]
I can give it a try. I mean, if you tell me what everything does, I probably can handle it. I hope?

[NOIR]
VR-LA will attempt to, yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Very cool. So you offer to Kyana, show her some of the ins and outs, explain: it's driven by thought power. The Astral Sea is the is the realm of the inner self, of the psionic self.

[RED]
Well, perfect! Okay.

[AUSTIN]
So thought power drives this curious thing. It does take attunement; over the course of an hour, Kyana, you can spend some time with it and attune to this magic item.

[RED]
Yes. Let's do that.

[AUSTIN]
VR-LA, you do warn: it runs off of spellcasting power. So if you are not a caster, you go very slow, typically.

[RED]
Okay, that's bad actually.

[AUSTIN]
But you let Kyana sit in it. And so far it's been drifting; it's kinda hard to judge speed in a place that's just endless void. But there is a wake that's left behind you, so you can kind of tell how fast you're going. Per round, so that's every six seconds, the ship can go ten times the level of the spellcaster number of feet. If you're a full caster, so that is VR-LA, at fifth level, you can go 50 feet a round. Dani is a half caster, she has half-level spell progression, so she can go 25 feet per round. Finbar is a multi-class, so I think he's, like— you're a level three caster currently?

[WALLY]
Yeah, my third level. Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, you're technically a third level caster, so you can go 30 feet per round. Kyana, you climb in and immediately the pace— like, it kind of slowed down, the pace picks back up again, and you're going 50 feet a round; which, VR-LA, that definitely catches you off-guard, because that's way— she should be going ten feet a round.

[RED]
Yeah.

[NOIR]
Curious.

[RED]
Which is cool because I don't think I know any of this. So I'm just like, "Oh yeah, that makes sense."

[AUSTIN]
You totally don't.

[RED]
Keep it cruising, baby!

[NOIR]
Are you certain you have no spell casting abilities?

[RED]
Pretty certain. It's all just, y'know, punching stuff. And occasionally kicks, but mostly punching.
[NOIR]
Interesting. Are they... ...Are they magical kicks?

[RED]
The kicks? No, not so much. The arms might be magic.

[AUSTIN]
Astral, ghostly arms that emerge from your body? I'd say that's definitely magic.

[RED]
It does look *pretty* magic. yeah, It *looks* pretty magic, y'know, if you squint. I haven't seen that much magic, though, so who knows?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, it's certainly not a spell you're casting.

[RED]
No, and I haven't been able to do it for very long, all things considered. Like...

[NOIR]
At any rate, I will take it as a welcome opportunity to have some relief from piloting. So thank you.

[RED]
Yeah, yeah. Cool!

[AUSTIN]
Fantastic. You take over the helm. I try to avoid telling PCs how they feel, but I think it feels good for Kyana, out here on the Astral Sea. You've only been to a few places so far, but definitely of all of them, y'know, your home and Sigil, the Astral Sea definitely, I would say, feels the most neutral, like you're at your (0,0,0), so to speak.
[RED]
Yeah, it feels peaceful in a way that is completely different from the quiet I've been used to. It's non-judgmental quiet. And having my own heading is also really, like— I don't know, it feels good in a way I don't think I'm accustomed to at all, so.

 
[AUSTIN]
Very cool. How does everyone else occupy themselves? Kyana and VR-LA, it seems, will be taking turns at the helm.

[RED]
Yep.

[AUSTIN]
So, Finbar, what were you gonna do?

[WALLY]
I'm going to prep the kitchen for two things: one, meals for when we leave the Astral Sea; two, have some sort of storage unit for this dead heart, this unbeating heart, so it survives the trip.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, you're probably gonna need something.

[WALLY]
So in my mind, I'm like, "Okay, great. We're gonna need something similar to the incubation cube. I have no idea how that works." So at some point I say, "You know what? This is good enough. If it's meat, I can store it. If not, I might have to talk to Dani about this."

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. You kinda set up— You got— Let's see. I actually have to create a map with a lower deck, still. Your kitchen is fairly well outfitted. I'd say you have some, like, cooling closet, and basically clean it out to make space. (laughs) Very good.

[WALLY]
How big is a dead god's heart? I don't...

[RED]
Yeah.

[WALLY]
This is good enough.

[SOPHIA]
Guess we'll find out.

[RED]
Yeah, I don't think we even know if it has a heart. So, like...

[NOIR]
At least five.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, there's really no reason to assume an immortal being like that necessarily even has a heart. But Hira is pretty dedicated to that, so that'd be pretty funny.

[WALLY]
It's just a tiny little thing.

[NOIR]
It's just a guy, it's just a guy floating out in the Astral Sea.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
It's just an Energizer bunny in there. Dani, what are you gonna do?

[SOPHIA]
Yeah. So I imagine as Finbar is doing that, you just hear the kitchen door slam open. "Hey, have you seen my cat anywhere?" (shouting) Plug!

[WALLY]
(sigh) The weird robot cat ain't in here. I have not seen him.

[SOPHIA]
Pspspspspspsps. Where are ya?

[NOIR]
(laughs)

[AUSTIN]
There's an upside-down cauldron that rumbles a little bit.

[SOPHIA]
"Plug! You're not supposed to be in here!" And I'm just gonna try and catch the cat.
[AUSTIN]
You lift it up and immediately, Plug goes (snap) like a bolt of lightning.

[SOPHIA]
He's got the zoomies. (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. Goes and runs up, cat-parkours up onto a high shelf that's got a bunch of spices and stuff. Lets out a steam hiss.

[WALLY]
Oh— The cat! Ohh, nononononononono.

[SOPHIA]
Come on. Come on down, boy.

[RED]
On the upper decks, I'm like, "Wow, so serene and peaceful. I could spend forever out here," and just, like, "(smash), *grab*, (mrow!)”.

[AUSTIN]
Yep. A dial-up modem catawampus. (dial-up modem trilling)

[NOIR]
Caterwauling.

[AUSTIN]
You apprehend Plug, who is a mangy looking homunculus cat.

[SOPHIA]
Buncha really rusty tin cans with an accordion in the middle, but it's roughly in the shape of a cat.

[AUSTIN]
You pick it up by the by the front part with the head and the legs. Torso, some would call that. And the bottom part accordions down and then back up.

 
[SOPHIA]
"Alright, come on, buddy." And I'll throw Plug over my shoulder and start trotting down to do my usual— like, whenever we're traveling, Dani is pretty much constantly in a state of either asleep, relieving VR-LA if he needed it in the past, or tinkering with the ship and trying to keep it in working order. So I'll go and check everything to make sure it works.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, there's all kinds of things with the ship, by the way. Like, you've got the ship working, but there's all kinds of— like, you come across them and you're like, "What is this for? Does this do something? Did I bypass it? does it do something different I haven't fixed?"

[SOPHIA]
We suddenly start going *way* faster than we usually do, and I'm like, "Ah, shit. Guys!"

[AUSTIN]
Ludicrous speed.

[RED]
I think it's probably the same speed as when VR-LA pilots, right? Level five? Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Yes. It's not faster, but it's faster than any of the other two on the ship. You guys make your way. You occupy yourselves for some time. I'll say Kyana, you're at the helm. Go ahead and give me a perception check.

[RED]
Okay. Perception or insight?

[AUSTIN]
Perception.

[RED]
Fine.

[SOPHIA]
Insight the Astral Sea to see if you can figure out what it's feeling right now.

[RED]
Sure is shiny. 17.

[AUSTIN]
17? Oh, definitely, yeah. You're sailing, and occasionally you'll see flickering of the ethereal lights in the sky that resembles our Aurora Borealis. Off the starboard side, this would be— there's no time in the Astral Sea, but close to when you guys would start bedding down, you see shapes drifting. They start maybe a mile off, but they drift closer, and there are hundreds, maybe thousands of them. They kinda look like people; like, they kinda look like translucent people.

[RED]
Hundreds, maybe thousands of translucent people off the— wait, which side?

[AUSTIN]
Starboard.

[RED]
Off the starboard bow? That's a little creepy. But I don't know if that's normal, so I'm going to defer to the expertise of somebody who's been on this boat longer than me.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, who do you want to go find?

[RED]
Wait, can I leave the helm? Is that going to be a problem?

[AUSTIN]
The ship will slow down, but. You know what? There's also— I forgot about this. Dani has installed Sending Stones in all the major rooms, so you're able to call people.

[RED]
Perfect! Yeah, then I'll bap around a bit until I find that and be like, "Guys, there's something kind of unnerving off the starboard bow, about a mile off. Can someone come give me a second opinion on whether this is bad?"

 
[NOIR]
That sounds normal.

[RED]
(laughs)

[NOIR]
But I'll go, as well.

[AUSTIN]
Cool. Yeah, you make your way up.

[SOPHIA]
(kshht) Uhh, is that left or right? (kshht) Over.

[RED]
Right. That's right.

[SOPHIA]
Alright.

[RED]
But who's on first?

[WALLY]
Who's on first?

[SOPHIA]
What's on third?

[AUSTIN]
I'm going to send this to...

[RED]
Oh is this— Sorry, is this before or after a long rest?

[AUSTIN]
This would be technically before. It's okay if you take the long rest.

[NOIR]
Oh. Oh, dear.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. VR-LA, I think you're probably the closest. And you're proficient with history, correct?

[NOIR]
I am, yes.

[AUSTIN]
Cool. Gimme a sec, I'm gonna send something to you.

[SOPHIA]
Ooh!

[NOIR]
Okay. Oh, dear.

[RED]
Ooh. Sneaky, sneaky.

[AUSTIN]
Well, sometimes I like infodumps to come not from me.

[RED]
Ahh.

[NOIR]
Alright, let me get my Pokédex voice out.

[RED]
Oh, god.

[WALLY]
Here we go!

[NOIR]
“Blastoise! The water Pokémon."

[AUSTIN]
VR-LA comes up from below deck, and anyone else who would like to as well. You see what look like— they're ghosts, they are ghosts. Ghost shapes that are drifting past you. They're going the way you came from, generally speaking, and they're kind of detached. They float a foot or two above the water, their arms and legs just totally limp. And they're all different races, different ages, but they're all floating past you silently. A few turn to look at you and just look at you with, like, void eyes, and then turn back the way they're going.

[RED]
Deeply unsettling.

[NOIR]
(emotionlessly) Do you pray to a god, Kyana?

[RED]
No, I don't think so. I mostly fight things that pray to gods, but, like, bad gods.

[AUSTIN]
Gods were never something that were brought up in the monastery.

[RED]
Yeah. I mean, sometimes the things I fought would be like, "Something, something, Lolth something." But that's about my only exposure to the concept. Until today, when I get to see a dead one.

[NOIR]
"Then perhaps you share some sort of a kinship with these. These are known as petitioners. They are beings of the Prime Material Plane who have since died and ascended to the higher planes. Under normal circumstances, the god to which they pray would come and claim them. but those who have sworn no such fealty..." And I just gesture around us.

[RED]
Whoa. Pleasant thought. Okay.

[AUSTIN]
They wait for someone to claim them: someone who takes pity, or someone who, after they've waited eons and just need a change, some devil or higher evil offers them a bargain, and then, y'know, a way out, even if it's a horrible way out.

 
[SOPHIA]
Dani pops open the trap door to the lower decks of the ship. "You think we could convince one of them to watch the ship for us whenever we dock? Because I hate leaving it with just Plug all the time, it feels like a real safety issue."

[NOIR]
I think it's a bit egotistical to assume that we are on the same level as those of gods and devils.

[SOPHIA]
I dunno, we could, like, pay 'em or something.

[NOIR]
I don't think payment matters to them at this point, now.

[SOPHIA]
Alright.

[RED]
Maybe some of them, we don't know.

[NOIR]
This is true.

[RED]
I've come to the conclusion that money might be very important, actually, so who knows?

[NOIR]
But regardless, they are harmless. They will not do anything to us.

[RED]
...Great, okay. I'm gonna go back to steering the ship, and not think too hard about the implications of that thing you just said. Let's go!

[WALLY]
Finbar is gonna offer a silent prayer to some of these lost souls. And under his breath, he's going to say, "Hopefully, Sylvanus can claim some of these souls." And then go back to the kitchen.

 
[AUSTIN]
You offer your prayer, knowing that, in some ways, you're closer to the gods in the Astral Sea than anywhere else other than their home, and hope that— your powers are not divinely based, but at the same time, perhaps this close to the gods— your prayer might be heard. You guys take your long rests in whatever order you would like; and sometime in the next day, you arrive at your destination.

(mild woo-ing)

[RED]
Cool.

[AUSTIN]
Let's go ahead and say, switching off shifts, VR-LA, you are the first, at the helm, to spot. To you, from a distance— probably about a mile out is when you first start to see it— looks like a smallish, dark shape on the horizon. You could only see it because of the negative space it creates. It's simply that there are stars blacked out there, there's no discernible details, there's this spot where you realize there should be stars, and instead, something is blocking them. As you start to draw nearer, you start to see the outline take shape. There's a sense of anticipation; you lean forward, you want to drive the ship faster. You are coming upon your destination, and I think, to you, it tweaks something in your inorganic brain: "yeah, this is a path I should be on".

[NOIR]
Is it a familiar feeling, or is it just this drive to get closer to it?

[AUSTIN]
Roll an insight check.

[NOIR]
Sure. Mm, let's use this die. Ehh, that was a bad choice. Uhh... six!

[RED]
Ooh!

[AUSTIN]
Maybe a little column A, maybe a little column B. I think that it's, maybe, a new emotion that VR-LA is interested in. Maybe an old one that's forgotten.
[RED]
Achievement unlocked!

[AUSTIN]
or maybe a new one that bears exploring. You guys sense it too, though: as the ship begins to slow, you feel that same sense of, "oh, we're here". You make your way up to the top deck, and indeed, the dark shape begins to take form. A vague humanoid in profile: head, torso, two outstretched arms and legs floating quietly in the water. As you approach, you see this thing is hundreds of feet long; truly massive. The ship can attempt to dock somewhere, certainly, but it's going to be up to you guys where you might want to proceed.

[NOIR]
Rolling with Difficulty! (episode break)

[RED]
Hi, I'm Red, a.k.a. Kyana! And you're listening to Rolling with Difficulty. Now back to the show.

[NOIR]
Rolling with Difficulty. (episode resumes)

[AUSTIN]
Why doesn't our pilot make a... perception or investigation check? Go ahead and roll an investigation check, to see if you could find a good place—

[NOIR]
Good, that's the one that I'm stronger in.

[AUSTIN]
—yeah, I know. I think either would be appropriate; and you've piloted the ship long enough to be able to be like, "oh, here's a good spot. Here's a good spot".

[NOIR]
That's an 11.

[RED]
Oh, buddy.

[NOIR]
Oh, no, I'm sorry; that's a nine, that's a nine. I rolled a two plus seven.

[RED]
Oh, no! Rrgh, oof.

[AUSTIN]
You look around, you're like, "Okay, we need to get into the chest, but the chest is pretty high up.

[NOIR]
Oh, geez.

[AUSTIN]
So let's go for the... head, because then we can follow, sort of, into the chest cavity."

[NOIR]
Just to clarify— sorry, Austin. Just to clarify, the Per Aspera doesn't have any, like, vertical space movability, right?

[AUSTIN]
So—

[SOPHIA]
Has no hops.

[AUSTIN]
Curiosity about the Astral Sea is that the ship can fly. The ship can go where it needs to. The Astral Sea, when you try to fly in it, the water— there's some altitude you can gain. Like, technically, you can pick the ship up out of the water a little bit, but as you try to get higher and higher to gain altitude, the sea just seems to rise to meet you, and the stars never seem to get any closer.

It's part of the physics of this world, the same way gravity generated by bodies of mass, it's proportional to the amount of mass. In the Astral Sea, part of the physics of it is just there's not really a y-axis, it's really just an x- and a z-axis to travel upon.

[NOIR]
Okay, I understood.
[AUSTIN]
So, yeah. You make your way, dock. Is there any preparations you would like to undertake? If not, it can anchor itself in space, so you don't have to drop a physical anchor, and prepare to disembark.

[NOIR]
Yeah. VR-LA, once he properly parks the the ship, he will reach into one of his compartments and take out this nondescript rod, and then upon clicking a button, it'll telescope out into his Clockwork Staff, the one that Hira had complimented.

[AUSTIN]
Fantastic.

[SOPHIA]
I'll just be like, "Plug." I'll set Plug down on the deck. "Watch the ship." Just stare him down for a second.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. He stares back for a second, gives a single nod, and then heads off below decks.

[RED]
Wordlessly knock something off a shelf on the way down. Asserting dominance.

[SOPHIA]
You just hear a crash in the distance.

[WALLY]
He better not be in the kitchen again. Alright.

[AUSTIN]
No, no, no. It's ominously quiet. That's what spooks you.

[RED]
Oh, no, even worse! I have a question. How desiccated does this giant dead god look? Like, how juicy is this experience going to be?

[AUSTIN]
You know what? Why don't I show you?

[WALLY]
"How juicy"?

[NOIR]
Ohh!

[WALLY]
I don't want it to be juicy. No!

[RED]
I don't want it to be juicy either, that's why I'm asking!

[AUSTIN]
So the short answer is it varies. But yeah.

[NOIR]
Ohh, that's *big*!

[AUSTIN]
So the ship is parked pretty close by, but for ease of the map, it's not actually on here. You guys step off, it's a bit of a jump. Especially with Finbar's long arms and Kyana's spry step, you guys are able to make it pretty easily. The body? It depends. The skull is basically completely... It's a skull at this point, there doesn't seem to be much gooey matter left. But at the same time you see, a lot of the torso and stuff seems to be mummified.

[SOPHIA]
Spooky.

[AUSTIN]
It's a good question you call out, and it definitely is strange that parts of it are in different states than the others. But time is weird on the Astral Sea and doesn't really pass, so things don't typically rot here. This is, again, information that mostly the three planar travelers would know; but things don't really rot here. So it's possible it was dead before, or maybe something has happened to it on the Astral Sea since it got stranded here.

[WALLY]
Scavengers?

[AUSTIN]
Alright, how would you like to proceed?

[SOPHIA]
Well, I suppose we should walk towards where the heart is. I assume that's what we're looking for, right?

[NOIR]
Do we wish to remain *on* the corpse or venture *into* the corpse?

[RED]
Yeah, probably.

[RED]
Hmm. I don't like either option, the way you said it.

[WALLY]
Don't, don't put it like that. No.

[NOIR]
How else would you have me put it?

[WALLY]
No, don't say it out loud, it just makes people uncomfortable. Don't.

[NOIR]
"Ahh, friends, Let us *jauntily saunter* over to this friend's heart". Was that better?

[SOPHIA]
I think somehow that was worse.

[RED]
Yeah, I don't like anthropomorphizing it.

[AUSTIN]
What's everyone's passive perception?

[NOIR]
Oh, geez.

 
[RED]
Ooh, that's a great question to ask right now.

[SOPHIA]
You want to hear Dani's real high, spicy passive perception? Nine.

[RED]
Oh, buddy.

[NOIR]
(laughs)

[AUSTIN]
You love to hear it.

[WALLY]
That's some spice.

[SOPHIA]
(chanting) High INT, low WIS. High INT, low WIS!

[RED]
My passive perception is 14, but on the off chance I can use insight, that's significantly better.

[AUSTIN]
Nope.

[RED]
Okay, fine.

[NOIR]
...Why does VR-LA have *17* passive perception?

[SOPHIA]
Well, *someone* has to have a good perception.

[AUSTIN]
That can't be true, hold on.

[NOIR]
I mean, I'll take it, of course! It's just that, y'know, he's not even—
[RED]
Isn't it calculated from wisdom?

[AUSTIN]
You have a plus two wisdom and— okay. So the 17 is because you must have advantage in it, because that gives you a plus five to your passives.

[WALLY]
Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
But I don't know why you would have advantage on those checks...

[RED]
Did you take a feat for it?

[NOIR]
Oh, I did, Observant. Wait, what does Observant do?

[AUSTIN]
Ohh, yep. There you go.

[RED]
Yeah, baby! When something's hinky with the math, it's always feats.

[NOIR]
There we go.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, it's why your initiative is so stupid.

[NOIR]
Yes! Plus five bonus to passive perception, that's right.

[AUSTIN]
Yes. You hear— everyone except Dani, hears skittering and whispering coming from inside the skull.

[SOPHIA]
♪ (humming "The Girl from Ipanema") ♪

 
[RED]
Oh! I love it here.

[WALLY]
Yeah, I kind of poke Dani, like, "Dani. Dani. Dani!"

[SOPHIA]
Wha? Huh? What?

[RED]
Stop humming catchy strings music!

[SOPHIA]
Why? It's so quiet out here.

[WALLY]
We got critters coming.

[SOPHIA]
Oh.

[RED]
Oh, boy!

[AUSTIN]
You see pairs of red eyes appear, followed by heads that are almost martian-shaped; like, they have that big, swollen back head, but they also have little, pointy chins and long, pointed ears.

[WALLY]
No, I don't like that.

[AUSTIN]
Their long arms crawl up and their little wings fluttering, they flutter up onto the surface of the skull. You guys beat their stealth, so there's no surprise round or anything; but we are going to go ahead and roll initiative for the berbalang.

[NOIR]
Berbalang.

 
[RED]
Okay, good news, guys: the inside of the skull is clearly habitable.

[NOIR]
(laughs) That's not good news for us.

[WALLY]
How's that good news?

[NOIR]
Yeah.

[RED]
What? It's good news for us, we need to go into the skull!

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. Last fight really went your way, guys. Let's see how it goes this time. Alright, let's roll initiative for the berbalang.

[WALLY]
It's okay, we're at full strength this time, though.

[RED]
Remember, it's bad form to TPK us on episode one. That's pretty gauche in the D&D podcast community.

[WALLY]
Oh, buddy.

[AUSTIN]
I have no such qualms. Noir sitting down at four;

[NOIR]
Oh, geez, yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Kyana sitting at 16, still not bad. Finbar...

[RED]
Yeah, baby.

 
[AUSTIN]
Wally down at two.

[WALLY]
Two!

[SOPHIA]
Oh, no!

[AUSTIN]
And Dani at 15. Okay.

[NOIR]
It's the sandwich tactic: we got two people attacking first, and then we get the meat of the enemies, and then we got the two people cleaning up the back.

[RED]
It's actually tactically advantageous. So everything's cool, and we totally planned it like this.

[WALLY]
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

[AUSTIN]
Like some horrid winged monkeys, these things flutter out. Kyana, we begin with you: standing, as always, vigilant and ready. You are all lined up at the edge of this— standing on the cheekbone of this dead god.

The berbalang are pouring out from the hollowed eyes and nose. What you see is what you get: big holes are big holes into the skull that you can fall down, so.

[RED]
Oh, fantastic. Alright, let's see.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, flying monkeys, Finbar. It's a reference.

(laughter)

 
[AUSTIN]
The audience loves that shit. They love pop culture references, they eat it up.

[RED]
Alright, let's see. How far can I move in a turn again? Alright, okay, 40 feet.

[AUSTIN]
You got dope speed, you're a monk.

[WALLY]
These things are *flying*?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. They're emerging, so we're going to call it like they're all on level with the skull, currently. That might change.

[WALLY]
Gotcha.

[RED]
Okay. I'm trying to think. I think what I can do is never have to deal with the fact that there's a really deep pit here. I want to get between the red and green ones before I activate the astral arms, so I can maybe hit both of them with the force damage?

[AUSTIN]
35? Yeah. If you come stand right here, this is 35 movement. Also, if you use step of the wind, your jump speed is doubled.

[RED]
Oh right, step of the wind! That's a thing I can do.

[AUSTIN]
That would use your bonus action though, which, I don't know if you want that to do something else.

[RED]
Ooh, that's true. Yeah, activate the Arms of the Astral Self is a bonus action, so I'm gonna want to do that.

[AUSTIN]
(boom!) The arms erupt out, even more vibrant than before, in this space of astral energy, the dreamscape of the universe.

[RED]
Yee-haw!

[AUSTIN]
They need to make some DEX saves.

[RED]
Yes! Yes, they do.

[AUSTIN]
What's the DC?

[RED]
15.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, we got a fail and a save. So, go ahead and tell me what damage.

[RED]
Okay, 2d6. Alright.

[AUSTIN]
That's force?

[RED]
(dice rattles) Come on, dice. (eh!) Oh hey, 12! Thank you, dice.

[AUSTIN]
Dope! Yeah, red over here is gonna take the full 12, and then green is fine.

[RED]
I wish they could do knockback, but that's okay. Alright. So, I'm gonna focus my attention on the green dot one that's right by me. And I'm gonna use my action to whack it.

[SOPHIA]
Nice.
[AUSTIN]
Cool, you square up for the one that's emerging from the nose hole of this great skull.

[RED]
Yeah, if I can smack it back into the nose hole, that would be ideal.

[AUSTIN]
Technically, a shove attack is a thing, but it deals no damage and pushes them five feet.

[RED]
Pssh. Weak. I'll just hit it. Okay, yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Do it.

[RED]
It's funny, you know: monks have all these abilities, but practically speaking, the most efficient option is always to just punch it. Oh, no! It was gonna be a 19, but then it was a three, so that's a ten total. I'm guessing that doesn't hit.

[AUSTIN]
That's a miss. Correct.

[RED]
Yeah, okay, second time! Second attack, baby. (heh!) Alright, that's an 18.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, that'll hit.

[RED]
Phew! Alright. Pssh, six force damage.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. (boom!) You strike true. Actually, as you strike it with the astral fist, there's kind of a weird feedback thing. It clearly makes contact with the body, but as it does, there's a kind of shimmery, iridescent effect that happens as your astral arms meet the physical form of this thing. But it takes the full damage, it doesn't seem to resist.
[RED]
Oh, okay. So that's a good thing? Or a neutral thing?

[NOIR]
It's a lore thing, It's a storytelling thing.

[RED]
Well this merits further investigation, alright.

[AUSTIN]
I don't know! I was a little stinker, I don't know.

[RED]
Oh, okay, alright, I see how it is.

[AUSTIN]
I'll never tell.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
They don't have pointy chins, they have little goatees. That's what it is.

[RED]
Ohh, that's how you know they're evil. Cool. Does that end your turn, Kyana? Yeah, that's me done.

[AUSTIN]
Cool, yeah. You... Neutral evil, neutral evil.

[RED]
Ohh, okay, okay.

[AUSTIN]
You, extend, (bam!) Dani, you are slow to notice, but quick to act.

[SOPHIA]
Ahh, geez.

[AUSTIN]
What is our quickdraw gonna do?
[SOPHIA]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So this guy, the orange guy inside that right eye hole, is he, like, on the wall on the side?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, basically.

[SOPHIA]
Alright, so I'm going to clamber on around so that I'm sort of over him.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah. And I'm gonna summon a small Arcane Cannon, Eldritch Cannon.

[RED]
Dani, Dani, before you do anything, I would like to point out that *I* am in a direct line with this thing and that thing.

[SOPHIA]
Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry, I'm shooting down.

[RED]
Okay, okay.

[SOPHIA]
So I'm gonna summon the cannon, and it's gonna be a Force Ballista—

[AUSTIN]
Cool. He is on your level, so ranged attacks are going to have disadvantage. Like, he's climbing out, but he's within five feet of you there.

[SOPHIA]
Okay. If I summon the cannon five feet behind, like, off to the side of me instead of directly next to me, is he now regular..? I'm not quite sure if that's... range.

 
[AUSTIN]
Yeah. So, here's the trick with this guy. There's the brow bone right there. So you're fine, but he's gonna have a plus two from half cover to his AC there. But it's rolling straight.

[SOPHIA]
Alright. Yeah, I'll take that. I just wanna fire straight at him with the Force Ballista version of the Eldritch Cannon.

[NOIR]
(in a Southern accent) Eldritch Cannon.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. Yeah. So once again, nasty Doodle Jump appears and takes a shot.

[SOPHIA]
This one is larger than the last one, because it's a standalone cannon. And so, it's latching into the skull with these tiny, robotic chicken feet.

[RED]
Yay!

[SOPHIA]
Because it specifies in the description that you can choose if the cannon has feet or not, and I'm choosing to take that liberally.

[NOIR]
Every time, it's chicken feet.

[RED]
I mean, who would ever choose the "not feet" option?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. Thank you, thank you, Wizards of the Coast for including this nightmare fuel. Yeah, the feet dig into the bone to give it a sturdy purchase, and it (boom!), recoils, but holds on from the force of this Force Ballista. Go ahead and see if this is going to hit.

[SOPHIA]
It's a dirty 20 to hit?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. Hell, yeah.

[SOPHIA]
Alright.

[AUSTIN]
My bad guys gotta get better AC.

(laughter)

[RED]
Maybe in another level or two.

[SOPHIA]
That's gonna be 16 points of force damage, and he is pushed back five feet, so.

[AUSTIN]
Jesus Christ.

[RED]
Yeah, baby.

[SOPHIA]
I don't know if he's hanging on to something?

[AUSTIN]
He does have a fly speed. You push him back, bone goes scattering. He does have a fly speed, so he's not going to fall down into the hole, but it lets out a little surprised shriek, is going to turn to you and will say in Primordial, specifically Ignon, "Watch it!"

[SOPHIA]
I'll give him the finger and step back these last five feet of my movement to stand next to the cannon and reply back in Primordial, "You watch it, buddy!"

(laughter)

[NOIR]
They're sentient??
[AUSTIN]
Fantastic. It's now the berbalang's turn.

[NOIR]
Why are we fighting if they're sentient?? What's going on??

[AUSTIN]
Hell yeah, they are! Orange, gonna roll up on Dani.

[SOPHIA]
That's fine.

[AUSTIN]
Red, gonna roll up on Finbar, and blue and green are gonna flank Kyana.

[RED]
Oh, no!

[AUSTIN]
So Kyana, we have four attacks coming at you at advantage.

[RED]
Okay. Fantastic.

[AUSTIN]
First a bite: 22 to hit.

[RED]
Well, that'll hit.

[AUSTIN]
Then a claw: that's another 22. Then the other bite: that's a 21. (dice rattles, thonks) And the final claw is a natural 19.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, no.

[RED]
All of those hit. I have a question. I can take a dodge action somewhere in here.

[AUSTIN]
That's correct! How does that work?

[AUSTIN]
As a bonus action, you can take a dodge action, which means they'll have disadvantage to hit you.

[RED]
Would that be my bonus action I used to get my Arms of the Astral Self out, or would it be my bonus action for my next turn?

[AUSTIN]
That'd be a bonus action for the next turn.

[RED]
Okay, so I can borrow my bonus action from the future to make them roll with disadvantage instead of advantage?

[AUSTIN]
Haha. No.

[NOIR]
It was a nice try, though. Here we go!

[RED]
No? I can't do that?

[AUSTIN]
Bite number one!

[RED]
Alright, let's do it.

[AUSTIN]
So the bite comes in. It hurts, but as it bites in your shoulder, there's no blood. It doesn't pierce, instead, you feel a stab in your mind.

[NOIR]
Aww, these guys are smart boys.

 
[RED]
Dang it!

[AUSTIN]
I believe all damage dealt is psychic. So you take seven points of psychic damage, which you are resistant to.

[RED]
Oh, yeah.

[AUSTIN]
So it is halved down to three.

[SOPHIA]
Nice.

[RED]
Ho ho ho!

[AUSTIN]
So congrats; now I'm going to go ahead and roll damage for the next three that hit.

[RED]
Oh, fantastic. Let me just get that three out of the way before we get too comfy, okay?

[AUSTIN]
The claws, the same exact effect: nine, down to four damage.

[RED]
Not bad.

[AUSTIN]
The second bite from the other guy is five, down to two.

[RED]
Mm-hmm.

[AUSTIN]
The final is seven, down to three again, on the final claws.

[RED]
Okay! Ouch.

[AUSTIN]
They come in and they start harrying you, and you feel, like, death by a thousand mental cuts.

[RED]
Ow, ow, ow.

[AUSTIN]
Two attacks on Dani. Jesus Christ, that's double sixes. That's going to be... Crap, that's 11 to hit on both of them.

[SOPHIA]
Haha. No.

[AUSTIN]
Miss and miss! It dives at you and goes headfirst into the bone ridge that's right there.

And then finally two on Finbar. Let's roll better. That's gonna be a 16 and a 15 to hit, Finbar?

[WALLY]
Both miss.

[AUSTIN]
Cool, those are their turn. VR-LA, you're up! These guys have now all moved into position, they're harrying. You see, one of them next to Finbar has got a bit of his shirt and he's trying to fly away with him, but he's, like, seven feet tall and weighs a ton.

(laughter)

[WALLY]
Okay, yeah, no. Get out of here.

[RED]
It's almost cute.

 
[AUSTIN]
Like the Cornish pixies from movies we won't name.

[RED]
(laughs) (cough, cough) Trans rights. Anyway.

[AUSTIN]
(cough, cough) Yes.

[NOIR]
VR-LA— I almost said Baymax, oh geez.

[RED]
Oh, said the quiet part out loud. (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
(laughs) We can't afford Disney. We don't have Disney money, we can't do that.

[NOIR]
It's okay, just bleep it out. Okay. So yeah, VR-LA will move here, so that he's adjacent to this one... "berlaba"?

[AUSTIN]
Berbalang.

[NOIR]
Berbalang! Okay.

[AUSTIN]
Standing precariously on the edge of the cheekbone there, over the water below.

[NOIR]
He's very careful. And this should give him line of sight between the red one and the blue one.

[AUSTIN]
Yep.

 
[NOIR]
Okay. He's going to cast—

[AUSTIN]
That's a line, alright.

[NOIR]
He's gonna cast a 3rd-level Lightning Bolt.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, so that's two DEX saves.

[NOIR]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, god, two and a— new dice.

[NOIR]
Hold on. And then also, because I was asked to mention this beforehand, I will be using my Wizardly— no, not Wizardly Quill. What is it? The Awakened Spellbook. To replace the damage with necrotic from Vampiric Touch.

[AUSTIN]
Fantastic. You see— describe your spellbook, please.

[NOIR]
Yeah. So VR-LA has a series of comp— like, he doesn't have a backpack, he basically just has storage space within him, kind of close to his chest, essentially. He takes out, in contrast to his very mechanical, sort of, whole presence, an old leather-bound book that's peeling away and stuff like that. But however, when he flips it open to a page, it glows with some sort of arcane energy; and the blue that comes off it is a bit more in keeping with the arcane runes that keep his joints together and the light that's coming from his eyes.

 
[AUSTIN]
Very, very cool. You see the book. Lightning sparks in your hand, around and around; and then, as you unleash it in a bolt, it follows that same path, but turns from the blue arcane electricity into black and smoky that just silently penetrates through. There's no crack of thunder or anything, just silently penetrates through both of them. They both fully failed, go ahead and roll some damage for me.

[NOIR]
So that's 8d6 necrotic damage.

[AUSTIN]
Jesus.

[NOIR]
(aggressive dice shaking)

[RED]
Damn.

[WALLY]
That's a lot of damage.

[SOPHIA]
Yes. Yes, VR-LA! Let the hate flow through you.

[NOIR]
Aw, this is good. Ten,

[RED]
Hey, hey!

[NOIR]
20,

[RED]
We don't teach the robot to hate!

[SOPHIA]
Maybe *you* don't teach the robot to hate.

 
[NOIR]
*31* points of necrotic damage to the both of them.

[AUSTIN]
Boom! This guy, you watch, is hit with this and immediately vaporizes, blinks out in a spark reminiscent of Kyana summoning her astral arms. You said 31 to the other guy?

[NOIR]
Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Fantastic, that guy's not doing well either. A massive turn; does that end it?

[NOIR]
He'll move five feet, just to be off the edge of the cheekbone.

[AUSTIN]
You walk into the space once occupied by berbalang. Finbar, freed from the nuisance that was pulling on you, what would you like to do?

[WALLY]
Cool. I'm gonna pat VR-LA on the back: "Nice job, robot." And from my Fomorian Gauntlet, a vine is going to wrap around the wrist, through the fingers, shoot out towards the green berbalang, as I use a Thorn Whip to pull it. (dice rolls) That is natural 18 to hit?

[AUSTIN]
That'll hit.

[WALLY]
That is six points of piercing damage.

[AUSTIN]
And he's pulled ten feet towards you, correct?

[WALLY]
Yes.

 
[AUSTIN]
Cool. Yoink! Away from Kyana, and now face-to-face with you, as it squirms out of the thorny grasp of your spell.

[SOPHIA]
Would Kyana get an opportunity attack since it's leaving?

[AUSTIN]
No, forced movement doesn't do that.

[RED]
Would I? Aww.

[AUSTIN]
We have that homebrewed in a different game; but this one, there's no forced movement.

[NOIR]
Get in the comments!

[SOPHIA]
Gotcha.

[RED]
Gotcha.

[WALLY]
Cool. And as he comes into my space, the pixies are gonna jump out of my jacket, each with a fist, and just smack him.

(laughter)

[WALLY]
And do an additional d6. (dice clatters) Another three.

[AUSTIN]
Boom! Another three as these guys batter. This guy looks up at you and in perfect Sylvan says, "Hey, no fair! What's the big idea?"

[WALLY]
I didn't start this fight.

[AUSTIN]
"You came to our house!"

[NOIR]
Oh, geez. (laughs) Oh no, oh no.

[WALLY]
Oh, God.

[AUSTIN]
Kyana, it's your turn. No one understands it but Finbar, unless you speak Sylvan, the language of the fey.

[RED]
Dare I ask what it said? I just missed it.

[AUSTIN]
Kyana didn't hear it.

[RED]
I didn't hear it, I wouldn't know. Alright, my turn.

[WALLY]
Hold up. Just a quick bonus action, I will quickly tap the hilt of my... what's it called?

[RED]
Sickle thing?

[WALLY]
Sickle, there we go.

[RED]
Yeah!

[WALLY]
Forgot the word for a sec. And utter a quick Healing Word on Kyana, just to keep her up.

[RED]
Yay! Boop! I'm almost back to full.

[SOPHIA]
Nice.

[WALLY]
Yes.

[RED]
Yes!

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. This is what it feels like to be a barbarian for one encounter.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
Kyana, reinvigorated with the silver moonlight from his sword, amplifies and echoes across the starlight to heal your wounds. Warm and— Actually it's all in your brain, so I guess your brain feels much better.

[RED]
Yeah, my brain feels better.

[SOPHIA]
Your headache dissipates.

[AUSTIN]
Not unlike drinking the Jubilation yesterday.

[RED]
Oh man, we got to find more of that stuff. Alright, my turn?

[AUSTIN]
Mm-hmm.

[RED]
Sweet. Okay, first off, we're just gonna punch this blue guy. Y'know, just for funsies. Okay.

[AUSTIN]
Do it.

 
[RED]
Just a regular astral arm attack, hopefully rolling okay. Ehh, 14, perhaps?

[AUSTIN]
That'll just hit.

[RED]
Yes! Okay. d6...

[AUSTIN]
Again, that feedback.

[NOIR]
These peaceful denizens of a home that they have forged for themselves.

[RED]
Hey, they attacked us!

[NOIR]
I don't think they attacked us first.

[RED]
Eight damage.

[AUSTIN]
Boom, this guy vanishes in another astral shimmer.

[RED]
Oh. Okay, I wasn't quite expecting that. So, can I move and then take my bonus action?

[AUSTIN]
Correct! You still have a second attack, too.

[RED]
Okay, in that case i'm going to— Yes, I'm gonna book it over to the one that's on Dani, and I will use my second attack on that guy, which is nice. I was worried I was gonna have to use a bonus action just to whack him. 21 to hit.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah.

[RED]
So, yeah. Six points of force damage.

[AUSTIN]
Okay.

[RED]
Let's see. I'm going to use a ki point to flurry of blows and hit him two more times. Yay! Oh! It's a nat 20, so that's cool.

[AUSTIN]
So that's a d6 plus six plus... four for your wisdom.

[RED]
Plus my bonus. Four. Yeah. So, d6 plus ten.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. So, d6 plus ten.

[RED]
(heh!) One of these days I'm gonna— Okay, 15 points of force damage.

[AUSTIN]
Jesus Christ.

[RED]
One of these days, I'm gonna get an attack that does more than 1d6 of damage, and then these guys are all gonna be real scared. And last attack of the round: that's a dirty 20.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, that'll hit.

[RED]
Yeah, I assumed.

[AUSTIN]
Poof! He goes away, he had one hit point left.

[RED]
Haha! Third time.

[AUSTIN]
Dani, the way is clear. Kyana runs up and (crack!) with the astral fist, takes out another one. A true flurry of blows. What would you like to do?

[SOPHIA]
Yeah. So first I'll use my bonus action to be like, "Yeah! Thanks, Kyana," and send the Eldritch Cannon around her so that I can get a line of sight on la green dude over there.

[AUSTIN]
Mm-hmm.

[RED]
Without hitting me?

[SOPHIA]
Without hitting you, yeah.

[RED]
Whew. Okay.

[NOIR]
It's a qualifier you have to state every time.

[SOPHIA]
And it's gonna just, y'know, Force Ballista, fire off another attack, as Force Ballistas are wont to do. Okay, not as good as usual, but that's not terrible. (♪ light humming ♪) What is it? Plus... That is a 12 to hit?

[AUSTIN]
Miss.

[RED]
Ooh.

 
[SOPHIA]
Yeah, it's sorta like the chicken feet can't get a hold on the bone, and so it skitters a bit and fires way off into the Astral Sea. I hope it didn't hit anything important out there.

[AUSTIN]
You just see it goes; the head spins around like a swivel and nearly knocks Kyana off, but.

[RED]
Oh, good. Two miles away, a random ghost just explodes.

(laughter)

[SOPHIA]
"Whoops. Alright." And, Dani'll whip around and fire off a Fire Bolt at the green guy instead with my action.

[AUSTIN]
Cool.

[SOPHIA]
That is better, that's gonna be a 19 to hit?

[AUSTIN]
Yep, hell yeah.

[SOPHIA]
Alrighty alright, let's get some d10s up in here. So Dani whips around— Oh my god, I almost forgot about a fun artificer feature: I am an artillerist, so I have my Arcane Firearm, which means I get to add a d8 to my spell attack roll of one attack If I use my multi-tool!

[AUSTIN]
So that's 2d10 plus 1d8.

[SOPHIA]
Yes. So this is gonna be fun for me.

[RED]
Dang.

[SOPHIA]
(dice clatters) Oh, yeah. 21 points of fire damage.

[AUSTIN]
You smoke this guy; he's nearly down.

[SOPHIA]
That's my turn.

[AUSTIN]
Alright.

[RED]
Heck yeah!

[AUSTIN]
Berbalang: this one that's still standing there is gonna make two attacks on Finbar. That's not going to hit, but a 22 will hit.

[WALLY]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
Nine psychic damage.

[WALLY]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
And you guys hear rumbling, rustling from within. I don't know if there's any way for you guys really to know, but they look shockingly similar to the ones you just smoked.

[RED]
Dang it!

 
[AUSTIN]
Except now they're emerging. They emerge from different spots. But, you see, this one comes from a hole out from under here, is going to make its way to VR-LA. Blue comes out from the same eyehole. I don't think he can actually quite— lemme double check his fly speed. Oh, 40 feet; yeah, he could do it. He's gonna make it to Kyana. And then the other one is gonna emerge from this eyehole and is gonna roll up on our ranger, Finbar. Lemme do some quick calculations...

[SOPHIA]
Seriously? Where'd they come from?

[AUSTIN]
The one that rolls up on Finbar says, in Sylvan again, "Oh, what? You think we're done? You think we're done, friend?"

[WALLY]
Seems more of a party. Let's dance.

[AUSTIN]
The blue one says something completely incomprehensible to you, Kyana, Unless you speak Deep Speech.

[RED]
Deep Speech? Actually, let me check, there is a slight possibility...

[AUSTIN]
I think you speak Undercommon.

[RED]
Yeah, I speak Undercommon.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, Deep Speech is something else.

[WALLY]
I have a passive perception of 20, and I understand Deep Speech.

[AUSTIN]
You understand Deep Speech?

 
[RED]
Ohh!

[AUSTIN]
He goes, "Yeah. I don't know where you're from, but we're gonna fuck you up, lady."

[RED]
What the— ?

[NOIR]
Yeah, are these...

[RED]
What are these people from Jersey? What's happening??

[SOPHIA]
They're the Jersey Devils!

(laughter)

[RED]
Oh, goddammit!

(laughter)

[WALLY]
Oh, god.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, man. They're all gonna bite you.

[RED]
Why isn't this one magically speaking a language I can understand?

[AUSTIN]
He said he didn't know where you were from.

[RED]
Ohh, I see.

 
[SOPHIA]
Ohh.

[AUSTIN]
A natural one, a 16 to hit Dani?

[SOPHIA]
Uhh, yeah, that'll hit.

[RED]
Can it get—

[AUSTIN]
Sorry, not Dani, sorry. Kyana? Does a 16 hit Kyana?

[RED]
Yeah, I was gonna say— 16 misses me!

[AUSTIN]
Jesus Christ, okay. Two more attacks on Finbar, and then two more on...

[NOIR]
My god, Finbar's stacked linguistically.

[AUSTIN]
Another natural one on the bite, and a 16 on—

[WALLY]
Rangers get languages.

[AUSTIN]
No, wait. Berbalang... Oh, no. 17 on Finbar?

[WALLY]
17 misses.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. And then two attacks on VR-LA: a bite and a... does a 14 hit, VR-LA?

[NOIR]
14 does hit, but he will use his reaction to cast Shield.
[SOPHIA]
Eyy.

[RED]
Heh heh heh.

[AUSTIN]
Cool. You see, as a disk extends from the metal arm, an impossibly small shield. And yet, as this creature goes to stab through, (boomf!) an arcane Shield that extends from the disk protects all of VR-LA's body. That's their turn; VR-LA, what would you like to do in retaliation?

[NOIR]
Okay, okay. Okay. Interesting, okay. I gotta find a place that is good enough... Oh, gosh, I don't wanna hit any of my friends, but I think it's kind of inevitable that I might need to. I know, I know, I know.

[RED]
Oh, here it comes, here it comes.

[SOPHIA]
♪ Area of effect. ♪ (laughs)

[WALLY]
We're Fireballing? Go for it.

[NOIR]
No, I'm trying to Insect Plague them.

[WALLY]
Oh.

[NOIR]
That means everyone in the thing would take 4d10 piercing damage on a failed save.

[RED]
Oh my—

[WALLY]
I could take it. Do it.

[SOPHIA]
We got this.

[RED]
What??

[WALLY]
I can take it.

[NOIR]
Okay.

[RED]
I can't!

[NOIR]
No, well see, this one—

[AUSTIN]
Hey, on average, that's only 20.

[NOIR]
it's 20-foot—

[RED]
Dani definitely can't.

[NOIR]
It's a 20-foot radius.

[SOPHIA]
I've not been hit once this whole fight. Dani's fine.

[AUSTIN]
I've rolled really bad on all my attack rolls.

[NOIR]
Okay. If I generate it here, kinda near where the nose hole is, I think I'll get everyone except the blue one. But then that means I would also get myself and Finbar, which I feel is a fair compromise.

 
[WALLY]
I'm fine.

[AUSTIN]
You can definitely— If you place it down over here, and are willing to get yourself and Finbar, you can definitely get blue and not Kyana.

[NOIR]
Oh, really? Oh, you're right, you're absolutely right. Yeah, you're right. Okay, yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, like, a 20-foot radius? Yeah. You could hit everyone except Kyana and Dani.

[NOIR]
Yeah, I'll have the—

[SOPHIA]
Would it hit the cannon?

[NOIR]
It would not, no. Yeah, I'll have the source be right next to the nose, under Finbar.

[SOPHIA]
Sweet.

[AUSTIN]
Okay.

[NOIR]
So everyone has to make a constitution saving throw, or else take 4d10 piercing. Oh, man, I might have foisted myself here. Shit.

[WALLY]
CON save.

[RED]
Oh my god.

 
[AUSTIN]
CON saves. Ooh, that's two fails and two successes.

[NOIR]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
Green failed, green is dead; and blue also failed.

[WALLY]
I'm gonna fail as well with a 14.

[NOIR]
Shit, I also fail with the 14. (laughs)

[RED]
Guys!

[AUSTIN]
Okay, roll damage!

[WALLY]
Are you going to knock yourself out with this?

[NOIR]
Am I going to knock myself out?

[AUSTIN]
Your collapsible staff strikes, and swarming insects, just a few of them, clockwork mechanism; but quickly, you see, they consume bits of the bone and begin to multiply, feeding on the raw material, until a swarm, in six seconds, fills the entire area of clicking and buzzing clockwork bugs. How much damage do you all take?

[NOIR]
For 4d10, I rolled kinda low.

[RED]
Dani. How does it work to give a health potion to the robot?

[SOPHIA]
You just sort of like— there's a valve.

[AUSTIN]
We joke about his mouth, but he does need to take in food to live.

[NOIR]
15 points of damage. Oh, yeah yeah yeah.

[RED]
Oh, interesting.

[AUSTIN]
15.

[NOIR]
Yeah, 15 points of piercing.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, yeah. So green goes poof. The rest of these guys, you see, before they were, like, there was that weird— you could hurt them, but it was kinda weird, it looked. They get cut this time. They're getting smoked. I'm sorry, it's halved if they save, right?

[NOIR]
Wait, like actually? Like, not— Yes. So 15 halved to seven.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, they're getting cut this time. Go ahead, make a concentration check on the spell.

[NOIR]
For my own spell.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, for your spell. DC ten. And does that provide any cover? Like, is it obscured?

[NOIR]
Lemme read this one more time. Area is lightly obscured and it is also difficult terrain. If you enter the spell for the first time, or if you end your turn there, you have to make another constitution saving throw else take, y'know, the 4d10 or half as much on a successful one.

[RED]
Oh my god. Guys!

[AUSTIN]
Okay, so Finbar, you either gotta leave or take damage. Same with...

[WALLY]
I'll be fine.

[NOIR]
Oh, I'm so sorry.

[RED]
What??

[AUSTIN]
Finbar, you're up.

[NOIR]
Oh, okay. Well, the constitution saving throw, it was an eight, so. Just one and done and then dispelled.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, so it falls.

[NOIR]
Okay.

[WALLY]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
(boom!) Yeah, and then immediately they all drop dead.

[RED]
Honestly? Better. Better than it would have been.

[NOIR]
That's probably for the best. I did the calculations, but boy, am I bad at math.

(laughter)
[SOPHIA]
You're a walking calculator!

[AUSTIN]
(laughs)

[RED]
You wouldn't be a high INT, low WIS build, would you?

[NOIR]
Uhh...

[SOPHIA]
Show of hands, how many people in the party are high INT, low WIS?

[RED]
Not me.

[NOIR]
I'm actually I have decent—

[AUSTIN]
How many are high WIS, low INT?

[WALLY]
I'm total opposite.

[NOIR]
My WIS is 14, it's actually not that bad.

[SOPHIA]
Okay.

[RED]
Oh, no.

[AUSTIN]
That's pretty good.

[SOPHIA]
Never mind. I'll go sit in my build of shame.

[AUSTIN]
Just not so much for the charisma.

[NOIR]
That was just a personal misstep for me.

[WALLY]
Okay. How are we gonna do this? Okay, this time I'm going to unlatch and fully take out the the sickle. No, you know what? I'm gonna keep taking hits, never mind. So this is gonna be a disadvantage on blue, as once again, vine shoots out from my Fomorian. (dice clatters) Thorn Whip, disadvantage, that is a 16?

[AUSTIN]
That'll hit.

[WALLY]
Hell yeah, okay. Eight piercing, he gets pulled ten feet towards me. How's VR-LA doing?

[NOIR]
VR-LA is a little under half.

[WALLY]
Under half.

[AUSTIN]
I was like, "I don't think I even hit you". No, you hit yourself.

[NOIR]
I hit myself.

(laughter)

[WALLY]
You think you could survive one more round?

[NOIR]
Yes!

[WALLY]
Okay. Then we'll just leave it here.
[AUSTIN]
Do they take more damage for the pixies?

[WALLY]
Yes, just one.

[AUSTIN]
Every one helps. Kyana, what would you like to do?

[RED]
They just came back. We've pretty much concluded that, y'know, we dusted them and then they just came back immediately. And I'm trying to think if that's—

[AUSTIN]
Different though.

[RED]
They came back different?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, now you can see cuts and stuff on their body. They're bleeding, where before that wasn't happening.

[RED]
Oh!

[AUSTIN]
They were getting hurt, clearly, but they didn't take much damage.

[RED]
Okay, alright. Good. I thought this might be a case of, like, if you kill him with a specific kind of damage, they can just keep coming back. But if they just had a quick respawn, that's good. That's good, I don't need to switch to physical attacks. So I'm gonna run back down the the bridge of the nose...

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, it might be tricky for anyone other than you, but you got the Boots of Spider Climbing, so you're okay.

 
[RED]
And on the off chance I do fall, I have things I can do about that.

[AUSTIN]
That as well.

[RED]
So I'm gonna punchy-punch our boy in blue.

[AUSTIN]
Cool. Go ahead, roll at advantage, because you're flanking with Finbar.

[RED]
Oh, sweet. Oh, you know what? I think that was where I was getting advantage from, the last fight. I was like, "I *had* advantage..."

[AUSTIN]
Oh, yeah.

[RED]
Yeah. Okay,19 to hit.

[AUSTIN]
That'll hit.

[RED]
Yep. Nine points of force damage.

[AUSTIN]
Okay.

[RED]
Second attack. (heh!) Oh. Natural 20!

[SOPHIA]
Ooh!

[WALLY]
Hell, yeah.

 
[RED]
Oh, my god, I feel I might need to swap dies, this is getting a little bit unfair.

[NOIR]
No, no, please! God, no.

[RED]
Okay, fine, fine.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
What, you think my box of monsters gets empty? It doesn't.

[RED]
Okay, I'll take the natty 20 for the third time in the sesh.

[SOPHIA]
Natty 20.

[RED]
Alright, 1d6 plus ten this time.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, it was my favorite beer in college.

[RED]
(laughs) Okay, 13 points of force damage on the blue one.

[AUSTIN]
You deck this guy. Both times, you notice there's not that feedback that you notice before; instead, you hit once, the body crumples, and then you come down, just sledgehammer, and this this guy crumples and falls into the skull, dead.

[RED]
Oh, cool! Okay, in that case, can I move a little bit farther to engage with the orange one?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, go for it.
[RED]
Okay, then let's do that, and use my bonus action to flurry of blows, which I need to spend ki for, right?

[AUSTIN]
You need to spend ki if you wanna do two punches. One punch is free, two punch is—

[RED]
One punch is free.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, one punch is free.

[NOIR]
♪ One punch! ♪

[RED]
Okay, well, in that case, let's just do one punch, see what happens.

[SOPHIA]
One punch is free.

[AUSTIN]
♪ One punch! ♪

[RED]
♪ One punch! ♪ And this one, is this also at advantage?

[AUSTIN]
You're not flanking, no.

[RED]
Oh, it only counts if it's opposite? Okay. Well, I rolled a 22 anyway, so I think we're good.

[AUSTIN]
Yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah.

[WALLY]
Big hit.

[RED]
And, nine points of force damage.

[AUSTIN]
Alright. Nine. (boom!)

[NOIR]
♪ Nine points! ♪

[AUSTIN]
Slam this dude again, right in the side of the head. Does that end your turn?

[RED]
That's my turn.

[AUSTIN]
Dani, the battlefield is considerably changed and further away from you. Who are you gonna shoot

[RED]
No, no— Okay, let's not get crazy here.

[NOIR]
We're all congregated into one area and we just see the fucking force cannon.

[RED]
Oh, no!

[AUSTIN]
Dani's the BBEG all along.

[SOPHIA]
Dani's the BBEG, she doesn't even know it.

[NOIR]
The real villain was the friends we made along the way.

[SOPHIA]
Because I have the Force Ballista up, so I'm trying to—

[AUSTIN]
That's what I said yesterday, Noir.

[NOIR]
Oh yeah, that's right. (laughs)

[SOPHIA]
—trying to angle it in such a way that I will not have this— similar to my issue in the pub earlier, is that it knocks the enemy five feet away from you, which would right now be mostly into my allies.

[AUSTIN]
You could hit red. He's gonna have some cover, so he'll get a plus two to his AC. But you could hit the the red guy.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, yeah, that sounds good.

[NOIR]
Not to be confused with—

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, I'll have the cannon run down a bit with it's chicken feet, like—

[RED]
You could also hit me, but please don't.

[SOPHIA]
(feet clanking) into the bone. And we'll...

[RED]
Oh no, we're still all in a line. There has to be a way you can get line of sight that doesn't involve hitting all of us!

[SOPHIA]
I got it, I got it.

[AUSTIN]
You're fine. Yeah, there's no cover there.

 
[SOPHIA]
Yeah. So the Force Ballista is gonna run down and just sorta There's no cover at that angle. fire off one at the red guy. Okay, okay okay, okay. Not terrible, Not terrible. That's going to be... does a dirty 20 hit?

[AUSTIN]
Hell, yes.

[SOPHIA]
The reason it takes me so long is because I'm bad at math, but I swear, I'm just looking up the numbers. 12 points of force damage, and he gets pushed five feet away. And then Dani will throw a leg over the side of the eye ridge and be like, "It's so fucking dark here," and throw my goggles down so that I go into light vision, and whip out my multi-tool, take aim at the orange guy, and fire off a Firebolt at him.

[NOIR]
Literally everyone is just surrounding orange, and there's just a Firebolt coming towards all of us.

[RED]
This poor little guy.

[SOPHIA]
(fireball explosion) Does 17 hit?

[AUSTIN]
Yes it will.

[SOPHIA]
Sweet.

[WALLY]
Hell, yeah.

[AUSTIN]
What was that, 2d10 plus d8?

[SOPHIA]
Yes, because this is coming from my Arcane Firearm, a.k.a. my multi-tool. 13 points of fire damage.

[AUSTIN]
Scratches across his wings. That ends your turn?

[SOPHIA]
Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
The two that are here look at each other. One of them is going to say in— Does anyone speak Infernal?

[NOIR]
I do! I do!

[AUSTIN]
You speak Infernal?

[RED]
Oh!

[AUSTIN]
One of them says to the other, "Ahh, too rich for my blood." And they will use their actions to Planeshift away.

[RED]
Oh, okay.

[AUSTIN]
And the other follows suit.

[SOPHIA]
Cowards!

[AUSTIN]
You see as they both, similar to how you guys got into the Astral Sea, blink out of existence. That will end the fight. Congratulations, guys.

[RED]
Woo-hoo!
[AUSTIN]
You drove them off.

 
[NOIR]
I say in Infernal, "Goodbye!"

(laughter)

[NOIR]
What was that about?

[RED]
Yeah. I don't know, I didn't understand a thing those guys were saying.

[AUSTIN]
You want to roll an arcana?

[NOIR]
Yeah, sure, I'll do that.

[WALLY]
Apparently they live here?

[AUSTIN]
It's pretty obscure, though. Like, DC 20 arcana check.

[NOIR]
Natural 20! Aah!

[RED]
Whoa!

[AUSTIN]
Natural 20! You absolutely know these guys!

[NOIR]
I absolutely know these guys!

[AUSTIN]
They're one of the few things that Astral Sea could be called the closest thing to them having a home. This is the transitive plane.

[NOIR]
Interesting.

[AUSTIN]
The githyanki kind of live here, but they're not from here, they just live here. These guys aren't from here either, but they're the closest to natives you can get, really. They're called berbalangs, and they are aberrations. Origin exactly unknown, but they are obsessed with dead things. They are capable of speaking all languages, so they know all languages and dialects. And so they're able to size you guys up and they were able to guess what languages you knew. They don't typically like talking to people.

[RED]
They didn't try Common?

[AUSTIN]
That's not like— Common is common to you, Common is not common to them.

[RED]
Oh, okay. Sure.

[AUSTIN]
Does that make sense? On the Prime Material Plane, Common is very normal. Out here, most people speak something else to each other, y'know. In Dani's hometown, no one speaks Common to each other, they all speak Primordial because they're all elementals. Same with Finbar: they all speak Sylvan, where he's from. Things like that. Yeah.

They are obsessed with dead things, though. They are capable of interrogating dead creatures, and they're obsessed with scrawling... they write on bones the same way people write on paper, and they write down secrets and things that they pull from them. Clearly, they were making their lair here. Oh, they're also capable of sending out psychic duplicates of themselves. They can do that every now and again—

(collective 'ohh'-ing)

[AUSTIN]
—which they use to scout and be safe. In this case, they were hoping to drive you guys off safely, but you killed one of their friends, and they did not care for that. So they Planeshifted away.

 
[NOIR]
I relay all of that to them. Upon immediately hearing that they're known for writing secrets down on bone, I immediately go and try and look for some, because that's interesting.

[RED]
Okay, I guess we're climbing into the skull hole.

[AUSTIN]
You wanna go into the skull?

[NOIR]
I wasn't necessarily going to start with that. But yeah, no, I will absolutely do that.

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead. How are you gonna get— You're just gonna jump in?

[WALLY]
No, don't do that.

[NOIR]
No, no, no.

[AUSTIN]
(laughs)

[WALLY]
We have rope.

[NOIR]
Yeah, like, safely rock-climb our way down.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. With some time, you guys are able to tie off a rope to one of the massive canines and then slide your way in. This is a good time to ask who has darkvision? Because I think it's only Dani.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, a question we all know and love.

 
[RED]
Not me.

[SOPHIA]
Is it only me?

[WALLY]
Yeah, I think it's just you, yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Warforged do not—

[WALLY]
Firbolgs do not.

[RED]
I do not. I certainly do not, but I do have the Boots of Spider Climb, so I can just kinda walk down.

[SOPHIA]
I have dark vision.

[AUSTIN]
That's true.

[AUSTIN]
Kyana walks down, Dani can see; otherwise, you guys are gonna need some lights in here.

[SOPHIA]
I can Produce Flame in my hand and just beacon the way down.

[WALLY]
Okay, yeah.

[NOIR]
I can cast Light. iPhone flashlight just beaming from my eyes or something.

[RED]
I have torches! If we need torches.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, yeah. Like B.E.N. from Treasure Planet, your eyes light up as two flashlights.

[NOIR]
Yeah yeah yeah!

[RED]
Yes!

[SOPHIA]
Yes!

[AUSTIN]
Cartoon where you can only see their eyes in the dark, that's what's going on here.

[NOIR]
Exactly, that's exactly it.

[AUSTIN]
You guys lower yourselves in. Indeed, as you expected, the inside of the skull is picked clean, and it is covered in scrawlings. There are also not a ton, but a fair amount of bones around, from normal-sized people. Would anyone like to make an investigation check?

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, I'll do that.

[NOIR]
Absolutely.

[RED]
I will, for funsies.

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead.

[NOIR]
VR-LA would absolutely want to do...

 
[AUSTIN]
Let me get two. Just two people roll, please. Or one person rolls.

[RED]
Well, shouldn't be me.

[SOPHIA]
I have a plus six to investigation and can see in the dark, so I feel like I'm a good candidate for this.

[AUSTIN]
Cool, yeah. Let Dani do it, and let... Yeah, go for it.

[RED]
Yeah, do it, do it!

[SOPHIA]
Sweet. That is a dirty 20.

[AUSTIN]
Okay!

[NOIR]
Ahh, damn it.

[AUSTIN]
What'd you say, VR-LA?

[NOIR]
Nine plus seven, 16.

[AUSTIN]
16? Okay, both pretty good. VR-LA, you get caught up looking at the walls. Does anyone here speak Celestial?

[RED]
Yes, I do!

[NOIR]
I do.

 
[AUSTIN]
Oh, okay! Well, both of you can make out the scrawlings on these walls. In terms of language, you can read it; in terms of deciphering, that's something else. But we'll turn back to Dani first.

[SOPHIA]
Cool.

[AUSTIN]
Dani, you are sifting through, you pick up what is clearly a tiefling skull.

[SOPHIA]
Hmm.

[AUSTIN]
It's kind of tossed to the side. It has writing in Infernal on it. I don't know if you—

[SOPHIA]
No.

[AUSTIN]
—speak Infernal at all. Toss it to the side. You do see, there looks to be a femur bone that— you have seen the inside of VR-LA's spellbook, and you're an intelligence-based caster yourself. You know what it looks like when a spell is physically transcribed into something.

[SOPHIA]
Ooh!

[AUSTIN]
So, you don't really know much more beyond that without some sort of Identify or an arca— actually, I don't think you could do an arcana check on it. You'd probably need the wizard.

[SOPHIA]
I do have the Identify spell, but I assume we don't wanna spend ten minutes here. Or do we?

[AUSTIN]
Up to your allies; they're looking at a big skull wall right now.

[RED]
Yeah, skull wall covered in writing in Celestial that we need to decipher?

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, I'll turn around and see what they're looking at, That might take ten minutes. and if they look busy, I'll start ritually casting Identify on the spell bone.

[AUSTIN]
Cool, you begin to ritually cast.

[RED]
Spell bone.

[AUSTIN]
I assume you would have a pearl? Because that's what you need to cast it.

[SOPHIA]
Yes. I assume if were just handed a bag of diamonds for this job, at some point in a previous job, we've acquired a pearl.

[AUSTIN]
I was gonna say, go ahead and remove— I believe you need a hundred gold pearl?

[SOPHIA]
That's fair, yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Remove that gold from your inventory, and that we'll consider that that's a purchase you made in the past. It's reflected here.

[SOPHIA]
Sounds good.

[AUSTIN]
You go ahead and start. You insert the pearl into your multi-tool and begin to fidget. It's like a microscope, focusing in on the object to determine the exact nature of the item. Meanwhile, real quick, Finbar, are you gonna do anything, or are you just vibing?
[WALLY]
I don't mess with the bones of the dead, that's kinda disrespectful. The magic people are doing magic things. I will ritual cast Detect Magic, just in case there's any sigils or traps, so I can help point out things that may or may not show up beyond these bones and scrawlings.

[AUSTIN]
Fantastic. Okay, so we got two... So we know what Dani's ritual cast looks like. What does your ritual cast look like?

[WALLY]
You see he sits down, criss-cross applesauce, and he takes out— he usually has a variety of spices on him, but this one doesn't look like a spice, it's a specific pigment that he uses. You see him, he etches a small Sylvan sigil on his forehead, and he mutters a couple words in Druidic as he ritual casts Detect Magic.

[NOIR]
Nice.

[AUSTIN]
Did I already have you guys make checks for the wall? You guys can read it.

[RED]
No.

[AUSTIN]
Please go ahead and make investigation checks on the wall. Or— No, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on.

[RED]
Oh, no, investigation!

[AUSTIN]
You see the wall, let's go ahead and roll... hmm.

[RED]
(whispers) Insight.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, yeah. go ahead, roll it as an insight check.

[RED]
Really? Yay!

[AUSTIN]
It's one of those gray areas. You definitely...

[NOIR]
Could it be... also investigation?

[AUSTIN]
Insight or history, if you wanna try and combo, two people make sense of this.

[NOIR]
Hot dog! Yeah.

[RED]
One of those I have a plus seven in.

[NOIR]
One of those I have a plus seven in.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, before you say your numbers... This is definitely tricky, so I'm going to set it at DC 20 for both of you guys. So a success for one of you is good, success for both of you is great.

[RED]
I rolled an 18. I mean, total.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, that's pretty good. It's not black or white, you know, there's shades of gray in here. You're gonna get some stuff for that. VR-LA, how'd you do?

[RED]
Yay!

[NOIR]
I rolled a natural 19, plus seven makes 26!

[RED]
Heyo! Damn!

[WALLY]
There we go.

[SOPHIA]
Ooh!

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. Kyana, you're trying to decipher almost gibberish, and it's fractions of sentences spread about everywhere. Kyana, you're fairly good at reading where this might go, and you pick up on a couple words that come up a bunch of times. So, you see the word "yellow" and "keeper" comes up both times a lot: "the keeper of yellow", "the yellow god", "keeper of the eternal", things like that, you start to see as patterns. There's some sentences that run off into nothing. Like, "I remember a time when we touched the clouds and the sun shined down," and just runs on like that, kind of like bad poetry.

[RED]
Stream of consciousness.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, exactly!

[RED]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
But those things don't really make any sense to you, but you pick up on the things that occur. And as you point out, VR-LA, what was your total again?

[NOIR]
26.

[AUSTIN]
26. Yeah, that beats a very hard DC, which is 25. You remember reading about, specifically because you were curious, about previous gods worshipped by mages, something you've researched in the past. There was, in the Prime Material Plane, notable enough that even out in the Planes you would have heard about it, there was an ancient society called the Netherese, who were a magocracy. They worshipped many things, like any people; but you remember that there was a sun god, a god of law whose name was Amaunator. You're not really sure— this is where it drops off and, like, you rolled really high: maybe no one knows this— what happened to them.

You do know that the Netherese fell, so maybe it was a product of that. Maybe it's multiple things, like the Netherese fell, and then the god got weaker because there was no one to worship them anymore, and so some other god took their pantheon over. That has happened a bunch of times. Like, the goddess of magic, Mystra, has been replaced, like, four times at this point. It's a whole thing.

I mean, it's entirely possible this is just a being that thought it was this god, too. There's no way to really know for certain, but you feel pretty confident that that might be who you're standing in currently.

[RED]
Gross!

[NOIR]
Oh, I see. Okay. Yeah, I was going to ask: would I happen to know why exactly the— the ber— Oh, shoot, I can't— "Berlabang"? "Berlabing"? No no no—

[AUSTIN]
The Netherese?

[NOIR]
Berbalang! Why they would be scribbling these—

[AUSTIN]
Oh, berbalang! Berbalangs. Yeah, the berbalangs.

[NOIR]
Like, I don't know if they necessarily have some connection to...

[AUSTIN]
They are obsessed with getting secrets and information from dead things. They can cast Speak with Dead at will. So...

[NOIR]
Oh that's right, that's right. Okay.

[RED]
So they pulled the information out of his head.

[AUSTIN]
They've been pulling the information from this dead thing for... I mean, time doesn't move on the Astral Sea. Who knows how long they've been in here?

[NOIR]
Interesting.

[RED]
Well, that might explain why it's so de-fleshed, I guess, if they use bones for that.

[NOIR]
Yeah, I relay—

[AUSTIN]
Yes. The head has been stripped, and most of the rest of the body is... jerky-esque?

[RED]
Aaugh.

[NOIR]
Yeah, I go and relay all of this to—

[SOPHIA]
Mm, delicious.

[AUSTIN]
Mm, alright, I'm gonna have another bite of my lo mein for dinner, after that great description.

[NOIR]
I relay this to the rest of the party and put forward my suggestion that this might be an old, abandoned, long-forgotten sun god. "Indeed."

[RED]
Spooky.

[AUSTIN]
It's also unclear. Like, aspects of gods come and go; so maybe the god isn't dead, this is just one of their forms, y'know. Gods are many-parted: you can fight and kill a god and not fully destroy them, because a piece of their divine essence might exist somewhere else, which is called an aspect.

[RED]
Oh, like liches.

[AUSTIN]
Kind of! Kind of lichlike, yeah. So both of your ritual casts end at this point. Dani, this bone acts as a spell scroll.

[SOPHIA]
Ooh!

[RED]
Spell bone!

[AUSTIN]
And the spell is the spell Contact Other Plane.

[SOPHIA]
Oh.

[RED]
Oh.

[WALLY]
Oh.

[AUSTIN]
If you want to look that up, that is a fifth level spell, I believe.

[SOPHIA]
That is very good.

 
[AUSTIN]
As with all spell scrolls, it can be cast once. In order to cast it, it must be a spell that is on your class's spell list, and if it is of a higher level than you can cast (which is true for all of you currently) you have to make an ability check to attempt it. Your wizard gets to high enough level, he can cast spells this high, he can do it for free, or he can copy it into his spell book, thus destroying the scroll, but permanently learning it himself.

[NOIR]
Are there any others?

[AUSTIN]
That's what she found.

[RED]
Detect Magic might be able to pick up on the others, if there are any.

[AUSTIN]
Detect Magic goes off. The whole place is darn magical, it's a dead god.

[RED]
Dang it.

[NOIR]
It's a dead god, yeah, true.

[AUSTIN]
You don't find any other spell scrolls like that. But Finbar you do notice... I think you probably have the highest passive perception.

[WALLY]
Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
VR-LA's is actually also very high, but VR-LA's been very distracted. So I'll say Finbar, you look through the bottom of the jaw, down past the skeletonized neck down to where the body is still shriveled, and you see there's a hole in the throat where you see a little bit of light coming out.

[NOIR]
(laughs)
[RED]
Coming... out?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, like shining out.

[NOIR]
The look that Wally gave Austin. (laughs)

[WALLY]
I don't like that.

[SOPHIA]
(laughs)

[WALLY]
Folks...

[AUSTIN]
I just cracked so many bones in my body.

[WALLY]
I know we aren't alone here. Those weird flying monkeys, that was the start. But down this throat, we got more company, I think.

[RED]
Oh, really?

[WALLY]
Yeah, yeah.

[SOPHIA]
That's great.

[RED]
Fantastic. Okay.

[AUSTIN]
VR-LA and Kyana, you pull your attention from the wall towards where Finbar is pointing, and indeed you see a light. In fact, now that you all look at it, it kind of looks like the outline to a door? A vertical rectangle.
[RED]
A door.

[AUSTIN]
Dani, you arrive with your newly discovered bone.

[SOPHIA]
Yes. And point of order, because the Eldritch Cannon lasts for an hour or until I dispel it, I haven't dispelled it. So it's just been chicken-foot plodding along behind, it's got claws into the bone.

[AUSTIN]
It keeps tripping over bones. More or less, it's good.

[SOPHIA]
Whatcha guys got? I got a bone.

[WALLY]
Nice.

[SOPHIA]
It's got a spell on it. VR-LA, you should take this.

[RED]
Ohh, a magic bone.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah.

[WALLY]
Ahh, okay, yeah.

[NOIR]
Sure.

[WALLY]
Because I'm not sure we should be taking stuff from here, but if you think it's helpful, then...

[SOPHIA]
It would let us Contact Other Plane.

[NOIR]
I thought the whole purpose of our mission was to take something from here.

[WALLY]
Well, we're taking one thing. I didn't...

[RED]
Mm. Gotcha.

[WALLY]
I didn't think we'd be taking wishbones and teeth from...

[SOPHIA]
It's not a wishbone, it's a spell bone. Very different.

[NOIR]
Are we taking teeth? I could take teeth.

[RED]
I don't think we should take any teeth.

[WALLY]
We're not taking teeth. no.

[RED]
Yeah, yeah.

[WALLY]
Okay.

[NOIR]
I'll pocket the bone.

[WALLY]
"How's everybody feeling? I'm a little scratched up myself." I'm gonna pump a 1st-level Cure Wounds in me real quick.

[RED]
I'm basically at full, so I'm good to go.

[NOIR]
I could do with some healing.

[SOPHIA]
I don't have a scratch on me, I don't know about you guys.

[RED]
Oh, yeah.

[NOIR]
I'll go and drink one of my potions.

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead.

[RED]
I'm very curious about how that process works, but I'm too polite to ask, so.

[NOIR]
Well under underneath the facemask—

[AUSTIN]
VR-LA is capable of eating things.

[RED]
Oh, okay.

[NOIR]
Yeah. Underneath the face mask there is actually automaton, mechanical mouth. And you can see the inner workings of the eyes and stuff.

[RED]
Whoa.

[AUSTIN]
It's complicated. VR-LA is a living being with free will.

[WALLY]
He can't really taste my food though.

[NOIR]
Well, yes.

[AUSTIN]
His people are just born from a plane where everything is clockwork, so.

[RED]
Huh. Okay! Well.

[AUSTIN]
It's definitely tricky, but it's another thing where it's like, oh yeah, it's just the physics of that world act a lot different than the physics you're used to. The same way with the Astral Sea, where there's not really a y-axis. There's still life and it's artificial, and in that world it's not a contradiction. Those things are not at odds with each other.

[NOIR]
VR-LA doesn't really like opening the faceplate in public, because having people see the inner workings of his head is a little bit unnerving.

[AUSTIN]
It's a little spooky. It's like seeing Lincoln from the Hall of Presidents with his face off.

[RED]
Oh.

[NOIR]
Oh, god. Yeah, exactly.

[WALLY]
Oh, yeah.

[NOIR]
He was also 100% bullshitting the whole situation. Just trying to really hammer in the fact that... yeah.

[RED]
Just unbalancing people. It's a power play.

[NOIR]
Exactly.
[AUSTIN]
Silver light from your moon sickle heals your wounds, the potion is consumed. How would you like to proceed?

[RED]
There's a door in the...

[AUSTIN]
Yep.

[RED]
…throat of this giant mummy?

[AUSTIN]
Right in the neck here, yeah.

[SOPHIA]
Well, I don't know a lot about giant physiology, but I assume that that's the direction a heart would be in. So I assume we wanna go through the door, right?

[RED]
Yeah, probably. I'm just a little confused about the mechanics by which a humanoid-sized door fits into the... esophagus of a giant skeleton?

[SOPHIA]
Well, it's giant.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, there's stuff surrounding it, y'know, a little bit of wall and then some stretched out skin and stuff like that.

[NOIR]
Does it look like the door is natural to the giant's physiology, or was that installed afterwards, If that makes sense.

[AUSTIN]
No? Nope, it looks metal.

[RED]
Metal?

[AUSTIN]
As you approach, you guys walk along the vertebrae that are still tenuously connected to the body and form a sort of bridge where you're going. And as you approach, yeah, it looks like metal.

[SOPHIA]
Is there anything about the make of the door that would indicate to me if any of the major civilizations that maybe I've interacted with that might have made it? Like the craftsmanship?

[AUSTIN]
Interesting point. Roll a history check.

[SOPHIA]
(dice rolls) Five.

[RED]
...Yay!

[AUSTIN]
Unclear.

[RED]
It's not possible that this thing swallowed a perfectly round chunk of wall, right? Like...

[NOIR]
Just swallowed a grain silo or something.

[WALLY]
Maybe that's how it died.

[AUSTIN]
We don't know why she swallowed a building....

[RED]
Okay.

[SOPHIA]
The Attack on Titan theme intensifies.

 
[RED]
Oh, buddy. Well, we're going to have to go through the door, so let's go check out the door, I guess?

[SOPHIA]
I vote we just go through the door, yeah.

[WALLY]
Yeah. So, I'm gonna put my big ol' mitts on the door. Is there a knob?

[AUSTIN]
There is, yeah, it's a nice handle.

[WALLY]
Oh, okay.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, you, Finbar open the door, and...

[WALLY]
Slowly...

[AUSTIN]
...this is what you see.

[NOIR]
What the fuck?

[AUSTIN]
You guys enter on the north side over here.

[NOIR]
What?

[RED]
...Huh. You know...

[SOPHIA]
This place is cool.

 
[AUSTIN]
Inside where you would expect to find a rib cage, you would instead find a nice room. Well-polished floors, tables, shelves, all sorts of, like, accoutrements. Some oil lanterns hang on the walls, providing a modicum of light in here.

[RED]
The collector wanted us to be the first people here, right? I think they might be disappointed.

[NOIR]
I think we fail, then.

[AUSTIN]
You're in a map I made for you guys to explore, so if you guys want to go somewhere, let's just do one at a time. Finbar, you were the first in. Finbar, if there's anything you wanna go look at, move your character, and then we'll go one at a time that way.

[WALLY]
Before I move any further into this room, can I just listen to hear for footsteps... movement... of any kind?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, go for it.

[WALLY]
Okay. Cool, that's a 23. Water running?

[AUSTIN]
No, eerily silent. Eerily silent.

[SOPHIA]
Ooh...

[RED]
Eerily silent is good, that means less stuff going to jump out and attack us, I think.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, I want to touch so many things.

[NOIR]
Yeah, but eerily, though.

[WALLY]
If something is gonna jump out and attack us, we have no idea what it is, where it's coming from, or what it looks like. So it's either invisible... You know, I don't even know. I don't know! Just, y'all be careful walking in and out of this room, I'm gonna stay posted up over here at the only exit that we know of.

[AUSTIN]
Does seem to be the only exit, at a quick glance across the room.

[SOPHIA]
Ooh, workbench!

[WALLY]
Holler if you need anything.

[RED]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
You guys observe: off to the left, you see what appears to be a large... To Kyana, it means nothing; to VR-LA and to Dani and Finbar, probably: it's an attempt at a map of the planes, the same way that a globe is like an approximation of the Earth that is, like, pretty good, but not exact. I mean, globes are pretty good, I know, I know. This is a broader, wider concept.

No one really agrees on the exact layout of the entire universe, but you can see it appears to be some sort of three-dimensional model. To your right, so on the left hand of the room, there's tables with alchemist supplies and some other odds and ends. Bookshelves are lined; a single table with a chair sits in the middle of the room; and off to the side, you see— actually to VR-LA, you see these curiously familiar racks all the way in the back, past this other globe that appears to be approximating something.

[NOIR]
Oh! That definitely piques VR-LA's interest. He originally was gonna go to the bookshelves, but now once he sees this, he's going there.
[RED]
Okay, remember when I said we shouldn't take any teeth? I think we might need to take a tooth just to prove that we actually came here, because I do not think the collector is going to buy that this was the inside of the dead god's rib cage.

[NOIR]
"We have attempted a check," and we just give them a book. Yeah.

[RED]
Yeah. I mean, you know, if I was them, I don't think I'd buy that.

[NOIR]
Yeah. No. That's fair.

[RED]
Not for a thousand extra gold.

[NOIR]
Is it what I think it is?

[AUSTIN]
We'll get to that in a second, I want to let the other people, if they want to go somewhere, go somewhere.

[RED]
I'm gonna start going over to this big astrolabe thingy, because my knowledge of anatomy indicates that upper-left side is where the heart should be. And on the off-chance that it might be here... I know most rib cages don't come with hardwood floors, I'm just holding out hope. So... And I'll take a closer look at whatever the hell this thing is, yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Cool. Dani?

[SOPHIA]
I see workbenches, I go over to workbenches. This is an area of which I know some things.

[AUSTIN]
So Finbar, you're going to stay by the door?

[WALLY]
Just in case. Yes.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, so let's start, let's move across the room. Kyana, you come up to what you see to be a massive... it has all these, like, joints and stuff that can rotate. You go to read the inscriptions on it. There's all these different round spheres that are different around the ring. And then in the middle there's a larger sphere that's divided in half like a hemisphere, an equator drawn along it, dividing it in half, white on the top and black on the bottom.

You go to investigate, it seems like it should rotate. There's inscriptions written on each of the spheres, but they're in— you don't know, you don't read it, you can't tell what It says. It seems like it should rotate, but you kind of go and push at it. It doesn't seem to wanna go with just a push.

[RED]
It doesn't look rusted, right?

[AUSTIN]
Roll me an investigation check.

[RED]
Yes, I thought that one was bad. (heh!) (dice rolls) Oh, cool. Seven.

[AUSTIN]
No rust. Unclear what the problem might be.

[RED]
Okay. One other follow up question: does it look kinda like the runic inscriptions around the portal in the monastery that only lit up with an Astral Self?

[AUSTIN]
A good point: they do not.

[RED]
Okay. Phew!

 
[AUSTIN]
But it's a good thought. Take an inspiration for that! That's a good connection you drew. Dani, I assume you want to investigate.

[SOPHIA]
Yes, I would like to investigate.

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead and roll to investigate.

[SOPHIA]
Nice. 23.

[AUSTIN]
23, that's fantastic. I should say, looking at this table, is there anything specific you want to look at? You've got alchemist stuff here...

[SOPHIA]
I wanna get a sense of whatever they were working on, whoever was at this table was working on. Like, what's the project set up here? Trying to figure out what's happening.

[AUSTIN]
You go and you open the book to page one, like, "okay, let's start from the beginning", and it's blank. You flip over: next page, blank. Scroll through, book is blank. There's another book on the table, also blank all the way through.

You go over and look at the alchemist stuff, uncork something and waft it to you. Doesn't smell like anything. It doesn't have any kind of strong odor or anything. Would you like to investigate further with it? Is there any kind of tool thing you would like to do, I should ask, as an artificer?

[SOPHIA]
Yes, yes, yes. So I'm proficient with alchemist supplies. So, just trying to see if I could maybe use that knowledge to glean if this stuff has ever actually been used before, or if it's just been cleaned?

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead and roll me proficiency plus intelligence, d20. So that's... Yeah. Basically like your spell attacks, it's proficiency plus intelligence.

[SOPHIA]
19!

[AUSTIN]
You look at the setup: you didn't catch it at first, but you're like, "this setup is gibberish". It doesn't go anywhere, none of this stuff collects anything. This doesn't make any sense. And you go dip a finger into one of the vials, taste it. It's just water.

[SOPHIA]
I imagine Finbar at the front of the room sees Dani dip her finger into a mystery liquid and just, like, lick it.

[RED]
Shlorp.

[AUSTIN]
It's a little reckless, certainly; but you're pretty confident, given what you just experienced. Looking at the setup, you're like, "no one made anything with this". You could, like, boil water and then let it cool.

[SOPHIA]
Well this isn't shit!

[AUSTIN]
We go to VR-LA. You go over to these racks: very familiar to you. As you go and you reach, though, go ahead, make an arcana check as you try to observe the orbs that are in here.

[NOIR]
Yeah, sure. It's still a good number. Arcana? 22.

[AUSTIN]
22? The etchings that are on these spheres, the very same ones that you use to store your own long term memories, the ones that you prize so heavily, many lost to you in the past. The hope here, seeing these racks of them. You've never met anyone else in your memory, since you've lost them, who's used these.

You go to observe. And to most people they would seem gibberish, though, etchings that are on these spheres, Remembrall-style. But you recognize when they mean something: when they've been degraded, when they've encoded memories properly. These ones are... this is like gibberish on here. Doesn't mean anything. It's like if someone was pretending to write an arcane rune: you know, they got out the basics, that it should be angular and complicated, but that was kind of it.

[NOIR]
This is an IKEA display!

[AUSTIN]
(laughs) Finbar, standing by the front: you have acute vision and have been keeping an eye on all your friends. You see, for just a moment, there's a shudder of the rack just north of your robot friend, and you make out the trace of a large shape, camouflaged, Predator-style—

[RED]
Ooh!

[WALLY]
Fuck...

[NOIR]
Shit!

[AUSTIN]
—rearing up. This is your moment to thwart a surprise round with your superior perception check that you made.

[WALLY]
Alright, huge. I'm going to cast—

[AUSTIN]
Do you say anything to the group? Because it's gonna be initiative.

[WALLY]
I'm going to say, "We ain't alone in here," and I'm going to— let me just get a ruler out...

[AUSTIN]
We're going into initiative, because the creature is not surprised and your perception check allows you to warn the rest of the team. So go ahead, everyone roll initiative.

[WALLY]
Ahh. What on— What is this, Austin? What are you doing? What are you throwing at us right now?

[NOIR]
That is way too many tentacles to be comfortable with.

[SOPHIA]
Too many tentacles, too big a mouth. Is this the heart? Do we have to bring this back?

[RED]
I don't think that's gonna work. I'm telling you man, we're gonna want the tooth.

[AUSTIN]
Hey, I like that idea. Maybe next time you have to go get a dead god heart, that's what we'll do.

[SOPHIA]
I'm just going to put my cannon directly next to where Dani is on this battle map, because it's been here.

[NOIR]
Why does it look like he has venus fly traps at the end of his tentacles?

[RED]
I'm just going to assume that once we survive this, we can go back out the way we came and grab the tooth and then scooch, y'know? I think this is going to work out fine.

[NOIR]
I wanna figure out what the fuck this all is!

[AUSTIN]
The shape is currently invisible, but as he points it out, you guys can see where— It is no longer hidden. So the mechanical difference being invisible creatures are hard to hit, because they're, y'know, they're camouflaged; but hidden means you just don't know where it is. Finbar pointing it out, and its horrible stealth roll (it rolled a two and a three) means that you guys know where this thing is, it's just that when you get up close to punch it or try to shoot it from far away, the fact it's invisible means you might miss it by a couple inches or something like that. It's still hard to hit. Kyana, as ever, you hear Finbar's call, and sense the attack almost before it happens. How would you like to begin?

[RED]
Okay. Well, I'm going to sprint in its direction. I've never had to use more than my movement per round, how does this work?

[AUSTIN]
As a monk, you can use a bonus action to sprint, which gives you another move. You can also use an action to sprint, which gives you another move. So technically you can move three times in a turn. And because you're a monk specifically, you get to decide if you want to use a bonus action or an action to double the move.

[RED]
Alright, I have 40 feet per round. Is this one of the things where a diagonal move is just five feet, so I'm moving on the hypotenuse the whole time?

[AUSTIN]
Yes, diagonals are the fastest way to move. The D&D universe is non-Euclidean.

[RED]
Alright. I'm wondering if I'd be able to go up and over the bookshelf.

[AUSTIN]
I'm not even gonna have you roll an acrobatics check: You're a monk, and you have the Boots of—

[RED]
Spider Climb, yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Slippers of Spider Climb.

[RED]
And I do see there's a ladder there, so. Okay.

 
[AUSTIN]
Yeah, you can definitely get up and over. So you can move at no check, but it's going to be like difficult terrain. So this, instead of five feet to get through, it's gonna cost you ten feet. So instead of going, like, 80 feet towards the creature, you can go 75.

[RED]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
But I think that's gonna be enough for you anyway.

[RED]
Alright. i'll just... doot!

[AUSTIN]
Alright. Did you use your action or bonus action to double your movement?

[RED]
I would use... I'd use my—

[AUSTIN]
It's a difference between punching or summon your astral arms.

[RED]
Yeah, yeah, I would have used my action, so I'm going to summon me astral arms. Ah, beans, it does cost ki! Alright, I am lower on ki than I thought. Which is fine, I still have enough! This is the third time I've used them today or since the long rest. Right.

[AUSTIN]
And you should have five ki points.

[RED]
Per day, yeah. But I used one to hit again, and two for the summoning. Okay! So yeah, it's a DC 15 DEX save, or—

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, it rolled a seven.

 
[RED]
Okay, 2d6 force damage, half a sec... six points of force damage! Let's see, that was my action, my bonus action and my movement. So I think that's my turn.

[AUSTIN]
That would be your turn, correct.

[AUSTIN]
You see Kyana immediately springs into action, runs Matrix-style up the bookcase and over, never misses a beat moving across the floor, and skids to a stop ten feet away. Boom! the astral arms come out and bash against— you see glass orbs on the rack that this thing is sitting on, fall out and tumble, hit the ground, and roll across the floor. The creature gets hit by that, but still you cannot see it. Dani, how do you react?

[SOPHIA]
Well, I got a cannon up. So...

[RED]
Oh, boy.

[AUSTIN]
You do. Keep in mind this creature is invisible, which gives you disadvantage on attack rolls against it.

[SOPHIA]
Good to know. So I'm just gonna have the cannon slide over a little bit and use my bonus action to have it fire at the creature at disadvantage. That's two natural fours. So...

[RED]
Oh, buddy.

[SOPHIA]
That's a ten to hit?

[AUSTIN]
That'll miss.

 
[SOPHIA]
Yeah, the cannon just sort of skids on the floor a little bit with his chicken feet, like a cartoonish coming to a stop, and fires and just misses. And Dani not really knowing what's up, except that something is attacking, will also skid over next to the cannon and fire off a Firebolt, trying to hit whatever it is there. It's gonna be a 19 to hit?

[AUSTIN]
At disadvantage, that will hit.

[WALLY]
Huge.

[SOPHIA]
Alright, so Dani grabs her Arcane Firearm there, she's gonna fire off that bolt. 15 points of fire damage.

[AUSTIN]
Damage is on the board. (fire blast) You see this time, fire makes contact and rolls off of an invisible body. There's a gurgling and a (low rumbling).

[SOPHIA]
What are you? You don't even know basic *alchemy*!

[RED]
(laughs) We don't know if this is his place!

[NOIR]
Is this your place?

[AUSTIN]
Finbar, you are up.

[WALLY]
I'm going to use my movement to get to... here... yeah. And I should now be in range for a Faerie Fire.

[SOPHIA]
Ooh!

 
[WALLY]
60 feet!

[SOPHIA]
Yaas, Faerie Fire.

[WALLY]
20 foot cube.

[AUSTIN]
Fucking clever, 'cause that's gonna negate the invisibility if it works.

[WALLY]
So I whistle as all of my pixies sort of come out.

[AUSTIN]
Come on, roll high, roll high roll high! (sighs)

[SOPHIA]
Come on, Finbar!

[AUSTIN]
That's a four. Yeah, I rolled really bad.

[SOPHIA]
The four giveth and the four taketh away.

[WALLY]
All of my pixies fly out from under my armor and coat, and they all fly across the room, disperse, let's say, violet pixie dust all over this creature, as he appears visible in front of everyone.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, I forgot the lair action, but I'll do it after your turn.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, no.

[NOIR]
Lair action!
[RED]
Lair action?

[SOPHIA]
Lair action.

[AUSTIN]
You're in its lair! You see the shimmering glitter from the pixies coats this monstrous thing. Though you can't see any color, the entire creature is outlined. The massive body; no legs, just like a slug; gaping mouth. It turns its eyeless face towards Finbar, and the gaping mouth opens, sandworm-style. You see huge tusks on the top and bottom and just rows around rows of teeth going back into the throat. On its back, four tentacles ending in spiny pads whip around. That will commence the lair action.

[SOPHIA]
You guys think he's a fan of Dune?

[RED]
What's Dune?

[NOIR]
♪ (mimics the Dune yodel) ♪

[WALLY]
Dani, you can't keep putting random materials in your mouth. You start hallucinating and talking about things that nobody knows about.

[AUSTIN]
I mean, the only thing that's hurt it that's close... Kyana, could you please make a wisdom saving throw?

[RED]
Oh a wisdom save!

[AUSTIN]
You make these at advantage.

[RED]
I do, yes.

[SOPHIA]
You should have targeted Dani for that.

[RED]
(laughs) Okay. Wisdom saving throw at advantage. I'll just roll both dice at once. A ten and a 12, so the total is 16.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, that just succeeds.

[RED]
Yay!

[SOPHIA]
Woo!

[AUSTIN]
You feel a pull almost behind your back, like something is trying to yank you away through space, but your mind is steeled against it, and you are not teleported. That ended Finbar's turn, though, which is what is happening now, because that was a retroactive lair action. We will take a legendary action. And it will teleport itself to...

[SOPHIA]
Oh, damn it!

[AUSTIN]
...a spot, 60 feet, in order to maximize the number of creatures it can attack.

[RED]
Oh, god.

[NOIR]
Oh, geez.

[AUSTIN]
So lucky you, it no longer benefits from being invisible—

 
[RED]
This would be a huge pain in the ass if it was still invisible.

[NOIR]
Oh god, you're right.

[AUSTIN]
—so these attacks are not made at advantage. Instead, it will make two tentacle attacks at Dani and two at Finbar.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, good.

[WALLY]
Dani, watch out!

[SOPHIA]
What? Oh, shit.

[AUSTIN]
17 and a 23 to hit Dani.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, those will both hit.

[AUSTIN]
Ooh, a 15 to hit Finbar.

[WALLY]
15 misses.

[RED]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
And even worse. So Finbar manages to shrug off both tentacles. Dani, you get caught with two of them that grapple around you. You're going to take some damage.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, good.

[RED]
(laughs nervously)

[AUSTIN]
You take, nine bludgeoning and then a follow up... (dice rolls)

[RED]
Oh, buddy.

[AUSTIN]
...13 bludgeoning. So that's, what, 22 bludgeoning total? And you are grappled. Until the grapple ends, you are restrained. There is an escape DC if you want to attempt to break out. That is the creature's turn, though. (boomf!) It shimmers away. And now as it attacks, the invisibility truly ends, and you can see blubbering, slug-like body covered in horrible tendrils. VR-LA, the thing was bearing down on you a moment ago; now, across the room ready to eat your artificer friend. What would you like to do?

[RED]
Oh, that's the threat? Great.

[NOIR]
Yeah. I'll spend all my movement and I'll move next to— I'm assuming that looks like a globe. So I'll move up next to there.

[AUSTIN]
If you want to look at it at some point, it is a map of something, but.

[NOIR]
Okay. Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
At this point, probably not a great time.

[NOIR]
VR-LA looks at— no, I don't. VR-LA will cast, at the second level, Tasha's Mind Whip.

[AUSTIN]
That's an intelligence save, I believe. Correct?

[NOIR]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
Minus two, not great. That's a three down to a one.

[NOIR]
Nice!

[AUSTIN]
It will use a legendary resistance to instead succeed.

[NOIR]
Fuck you!

[WALLY]
Of course.

[NOIR]
Okay. Takes half as much damage, though, on a success.

[AUSTIN]
(chanting) Legendary bad guy, legendary bad guy!

[SOPHIA]
And the DM claps.

[NOIR]
We are but tiny little fifth level people. It takes half damage on a success, which means that it takes... Well, that was pretty good. 11 plus three makes four—

[AUSTIN]
Probably could've used the legendary resistance on the...

[NOIR]
Seven points of psychic damage.

 
[AUSTIN]
Alright, seven points. It does not resist that. So, boom! You feel the spell take hold, and then almost shunt it back at you as this creature resists the effect. But, still does take damage. Is there anything else you would like to do?

[NOIR]
Did my movement, did my action, I don't have a bonus action, that's it for me!

[RED]
Okay!

[AUSTIN]
Cool. It's going to take a legendary action to make a bite attack against Dani. And so because you are restrained, this is at advantage.

[NOIR]
Dani ain't done nothin'! Dani ain't done nothing.

[AUSTIN]
That's a dirty 20 to hit.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah. That'll hit.

[RED]
Just barely though.

[AUSTIN]
One, two, three, four, hold on, I gotta roll these dice...
[NOIR]
You know it's a good time when the DM says, "hold on, I gotta roll these dice".

[AUSTIN]
30 piercing damage.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, so I had nine hit points left.

 
[RED]
Oh, buddy. Oh, buddy!

[AUSTIN]
This thing starts chomping down on you. Do you have— Wait, do you have Hellish— No, you don't have Hellish Rebuke, you have some other spells.

[SOPHIA]
I do not have Hellish Rebuke, no.

[WALLY]
Okay. Alright.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, this thing is chomping away. That is his legendary action.

[RED]
Okay, I go now, right?

[AUSTIN]
Yep! It is your turn now.

[RED]
Alright. First of all, one, two, three, four, five, six... good, I can just close! Alright. This doesn't say that it's a bonus action or anything, I think I can just do it. I'm not a hundred percent sure if it can work on this thing, because I don't know if it can understand any languages. But I am going to shout into its mind, "Hey, spit that out!" And now I'm going to punch it as many times as I can.

[AUSTIN]
You get, back in your mind, clearly speech, but a horrible... how would this sound? Guttural whispers.

[RED]
It can't reply until I use a bonus action to give it the ability to reply to me.

[AUSTIN]
It used its own telepathy to talk back to you.
[RED]
Haha! Okay, awesome. Well, I'm still shouting at it, just so it knows what's up. Alright, now we punch.

[AUSTIN]
If you move right here, you can flank with Finbar.

[WALLY]
It doesn't matter, he's Faerie Fire'd. Oh, correct, yes! You have advantage on attack rolls, thank you. Because of the shining light he cast on— yeah, I really should have legendary resisted that. But then I would have been down two in a single round, y'know? That's no fun.

[RED]
Water under the bridge. Alright, let's do it.

[NOIR]
And you only got three total, right?

[RED]
Oh, and it doesn't need to understand the languages I speak, it just needs to understand any language to understand what I'm saying.

[AUSTIN]
Yep. It does.

[RED]
But my telepathy is superior.

[AUSTIN]
It just responds in a language you don't speak.

[RED]
Bah. No universal translator? How gauche. Alright. Bam! First attack, 17 to hit with advantage. It's not my best roll.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, that'll hit. That'll just hit.

 
[RED]
1d6 plus four. (heh!) Seven points of force damage. Second attack, with advantage. (heh!) Oh, no. Okay, well, that one's gonna miss because my top roll was a 12. Gonna use a ki point to flurry of blows.

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead. Two more attacks at advantage.

[RED]
Boop!

[SOPHIA]
Punch! The! Slug!

[RED]
Slug puncher! Ha-cha! Stop rolling off the thing! Well, the top roll on that one was a ten, this is just getting embarrassing. Remember how I had three crits in that earlier fight? I think I used up all my luck. Oh, that's better!

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, that's not good. This guy's way harder to kill, so.

[RED]
I know! Well, that one was a 23 to hit, fortunately. So it hits, it just doesn't do all that much. Oh, okay, ten points of force damage that time. If I can aim at the tentacles that have Dani grappled, I would like to. But if I can't, that's fine.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. There is a way, damage won't do it. You could use an action to try to break her free, but it's a strength check to try and rip her out.

[RED]
Ooh, wait, hold on! Okay, well, next turn: because of the astral arms, I can use wisdom instead of strength for anything like that.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, you can use your wisdom, yes!

[RED]
But something for next turn if we live that long.
[AUSTIN]
Sorry, yes. Dani, please go ahead, make a...

[SOPHIA]
Death save?

[AUSTIN]
Actually, no, sorry. Real quick, what's going to happen is you come in and (boom, boom, boom!) with the astral arms. It feels exactly like punching a big space slug would feel. It turns its blind face towards you, chomping down on the genasi. Lets out a gurgle, and will use its second legendary action to teleport.

[SOPHIA]
Oh no. No no no no no no!

[RED]
Buddy!

[NOIR]
Are you fucking kidding me, dude?

[SOPHIA]
Well, I gotta think of some backup characters for this campaign.

[RED]
No! No!

[AUSTIN]
He's gonna teleport over here on top of the bookshelf.

[NOIR]
With Dani??

[AUSTIN]
Yep! It takes any creature it has restrained with it.

[SOPHIA]
Adios, amigos.

 
[RED]
We just got a buttload of diamonds, alright? We might be able to rez you.

[AUSTIN]
Dani, make a death save.

[RED]
You better roll well.

[SOPHIA]
I rolled a natural 11.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, that's a success.

[RED]
That's good, right? Okay!

[NOIR]
Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Finbar, you're up.

[WALLY]
Sugar honey iced tea. Okay, here's what we'll do. Here is what we shall do.

[AUSTIN]
I forgot about the lair action again. The lair action is just going to go before its turn.

[RED]
How many lair actions does it get??

[AUSTIN]
It gets one a round, at initiative 20.

[RED]
What??

[SOPHIA]
Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
But I keep forgetting at 20. It's between Dani and Finbar, and I keep forgetting.

[RED]
(groans)

[AUSTIN]
So I'll let Finbar go, and then he'll do his.

[WALLY]
Fuck! Oh wait. Nope, nope, nope, nope, okay, I can still I can hit them from there. Cool.

[RED]
Yes. Yes!

[WALLY]
Okay, cool. Alright. I'm gonna dash. No, I'm not, I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna use my regular movement to get to here.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, and you're gonna Thorn Whip him, aren't you?

[WALLY]
Yes. I'm gonna Thorn Whip him. From the Fomorian Gauntlet, vine shoots out.

[SOPHIA]
Come on, Finbar.

[AUSTIN]
Okay.

[WALLY]
Come on. (dice clatters) 15?

[AUSTIN]
Oh at advantage? I'm sorry, a 15 does not hit.
[WALLY]
15 does not hit, of course. Yikes. Yeah, I rolled a seven and a four. Cool!

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, you guys need some luck.

[WALLY]
But I can still Healing Word.

[RED]
Yes, yes!

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead.

[WALLY]
Dani, quit playing with me now. Get up!

[SOPHIA]
(labored gasp)

[WALLY]
Cool, that is eight hit points to Dani.

[SOPHIA]
Aah!

[AUSTIN]
Okay. Dani, you are up to eight.

[SOPHIA]
What'd I miss? Where's my cannon?

[RED]
Well, you're still in its jaws.

[WALLY]
Yeah, that's my turn.

 
[AUSTIN]
Cool. It is going to use a lair action. VR-LA, please make a wisdom saving throw.

[NOIR]
Yeah, okay.

[NOIR]
Okay. Well, that was a four plus five, but I'll use my inspiration to try and up that up. So it's a d6?

[AUSTIN]
You know what? I'm gonna be charitable here and tell you that the creature is stupid and so is doing this, but this is an invisible effect from which it cannot currently benefit. So if you want to save your inspiration, that's a good idea. Of course, if the Faerie Fire drops because Finbar loses concentration, then it will be invisible to you. So, y'know, your call here.

[NOIR]
Oh, interesting.

[RED]
Oh, interesting.

[NOIR]
So, wait, to clarify—

[AUSTIN]
He doesn't understand that he's Faerie Fire'd, so he's going to try to turn invisible just to you.

[RED]
But the Faerie Fire is still active, so you'll still be able to see where he is.

[AUSTIN]
If you fail, it won't matter right now. If Finbar drops concentration, it's going to turn invisible to you.

[NOIR]
Okay. (unsure grumble)
[WALLY]
That's okay. You can fail this.

[NOIR]
Yeah, I'll fail it.

[RED]
Yeah. Save the inspiration.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, cool. You see the creature turns invisible to you, but does not disappear because you are still able to see it. It'll use its final lair action to teleport back.

[SOPHIA]
Ah, shit.

[RED]
Teleport where??

[SOPHIA]
Where are we going? Where are we going??

[AUSTIN]
Teleport right in the middle here…

[RED]
Alright...

[AUSTIN]
…where it can hit two big, juicy meat targets.
[RED]
Hey!

[AUSTIN]
First attack is coming at Finbar.

[WALLY]
Okay, here we go.

[RED]
Here we go.
[AUSTIN]
(dice thonks) That's a two, that's a miss. Second attack coming at Finbar. That's a 23.

[RED]
I mean, yeah. Yeah.

[WALLY]
Yeah. Yeah.

[SOPHIA]
Does a twenty-something hit?

[AUSTIN]
(chuckles) Cool. You take... You take nine points of bludgeoning damage and you are grappled. You are also restrained.

[RED]
Damn it!

[WALLY]
Let me roll the con—

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, and he'll go ahead and move you five feet closer for free for hitting you.

[WALLY]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead and roll a concentration check, DC ten.

[WALLY]
Natural 16.

[AUSTIN]
The creature is going to go ahead and make an attack at Kyana.

[RED]
Yep. Come at me, bro. Let's do this.

[AUSTIN]
(dice thonks) That's a 21 to hit.

[RED]
Okay, fine.

[AUSTIN]
Four plus three is seven points of bludgeoning damage. You're pulled closer. "Until this grapple ends, the target is restrained, can't use that tentacle against *other targets*." So it *can* use the same tentacle to attack Dani that it is currently holding her with.

[SOPHIA]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
So it's gonna be an attack roll at advantage. (shaking dice) I'm sorry, it's the only thing it would do.

[RED]
Don't worry, guys, we're dividing and conquering. It can only use one tentacle!

[SOPHIA]
No, it's completely fair.

[AUSTIN]
Wait, it's bad! It's a nine and a ten, at advantage, plus seven makes it 17.

[SOPHIA]
I would like to use my reaction to cast Shield, please, to bring my AC up to 20!

[AUSTIN]
You cast Shield. I felt so bad, I was like, "it's gotta hit you at advantage". But yeah, it goes to just crush you, an arcane ward reinforces your body as you cast and prevent from being crushed by it. Fantastic.

 
[AUSTIN]
That ends its turn, that was balannoth. VR-LA, all of your friends are currently held by tentacles, one fourth tentacle...

[RED]
It's going great!

[SOPHIA]
VR-LA!

[AUSTIN]
...ominously open for you. What would you like to do?

[RED]
One for everyone!

[NOIR]
What I'm hearing is Insect Plague.

[RED]
Oh, goddammit!

(laughter)

[NOIR]
No no no no no.

[AUSTIN]
Can you cast that again?

[NOIR]
I think I can do it one more time today.

[AUSTIN]
I'm thinking you should use an action to investigate— wait, is that true?

[NOIR]
I have ten charges, and it's five charges.

[AUSTIN]
You should use an action to investigate the globe.

[NOIR]
I should??

[RED]
I think he's fucking with you.

[AUSTIN]
No, I'm joking. Don't do what I say. I'm the DM, I don't want you to win.

[SOPHIA]
I'm sorry, I thought we were playing TTRPGs, not mind games here.

[AUSTIN]
It has really cool information you might learn from it, but I don't know. But your friends are also dying, so.

[NOIR]
VR-LA's interested in it! VR-LA would like to know!

[RED]
Goddammit!

[NOIR]
Uhh, okay. Okay, this is interesting. I'm gonna get within ten feet of the of the guy willingly, and then I'll cast—

[AUSTIN]
Cool, I don't have to waste a legendary action on teleport.

[RED]
Goddammit!

[NOIR]
And then I'll cast at 2nd-level Earth Tremor.

[SOPHIA]
Ooh.

[AUSTIN]
Okay.

[NOIR]
"You cause a tremor in the ground within range", range being ten feet. "Each creature other than you in that area must make a dexterity saving throw. On a failed save, the creature takes 1d6 bludgeoning and is knocked prone".

[RED]
Does that include us?

[NOIR]
I don't know.

[SOPHIA]
It's gonna include us.

[AUSTIN]
It's gonna include Dani and Finbar, who are gonna roll at disadvantage because they're restrained, I believe.

[NOIR]
We'll see, I'm interested because it says you cause—

[AUSTIN]
Oh, wait, is restrained disadvantage on...

[NOIR]
It says you cause a tremor in the ground within range. But I thought the range was, like, you had to be within ten feet to cast Earth Tremor.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. You're within ten feet of both of those guys.

[WALLY]
Restrains, yeah, disadvantage on DEX saves.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, they're both gonna have disadvantage if you cast that on him.

[NOIR]
Oh, shit. Okay. Okay.

 
[RED]
Complex geometry is happening on the map, folks.

[NOIR]
I know, I know, yeah. Okay.

[AUSTIN]
You can hit one or the other, but you can't hit neither.

[NOIR]
Yes. Okay. Alright, here's what I'm going to do then: not that. What does a 15-foot cone look like?

[RED]
Oh, no.

[AUSTIN]
A 15-foot cone is going to be— yeah.

[SOPHIA]
Area of effect!

[AUSTIN]
You can either hit the balhannoth and Finbar, or you can hit the balhannoth and Dani.

[WALLY]
Definitely hit me. Definitely hit me.

[SOPHIA]
No, I can take it!

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, it's like this.

[WALLY]
Dani? No. A 15-foot cone is like...

[NOIR]
Yeah, Okay, you're going for the 90-degree angle 15-foot? Or...

 
[AUSTIN]
It's... I actually don't know. You're gonna hit one of your friends and the balhannoth, so it's just a question of who.

[NOIR]
Yeah, I'll do it at 2nd-level. I'll do Burning Hands at 2nd-level.

[AUSTIN]
Okay.

[NOIR]
Well, you still gotta make a dexterity saving throw, but I'm sorry.

[AUSTIN]
It's a dex save.

[WALLY]
That's fine.

[SOPHIA]
Maybe you should've aimed at me, then.

[AUSTIN]
He's got disadvantage, but, y'know, the balhannoth, he rolled a five.

[NOIR]
Oh thank god.

[AUSTIN]
So he's going to take full damage.

[WALLY]
What is this? 13.

[NOIR]
A 13 does fail.

[WALLY]
Okay, cool. I will use my reaction to Absorb Elements this at the second level.

 
[NOIR]
Okay, awesome.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. You see, the fire flows out and wreaths this thing. Like Sypha against Dracula, point blank, you come in, and, (whoosh!) Finbar also takes that, but, you see he brings up the gauntlets, and the fire, some of it flows into his spellcasting focus instead of just attacking him.

[NOIR]
Okay. Yeah, and that'll be... That wasn't that great: eight points of damage for the slug thing, and then four points for Finbar.

[AUSTIN]
Cool. Fin, go ahead and make a concentration check, please.

[WALLY]
Yes. (dice clatters) Natural 14.

[SOPHIA]
Nice.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, you're good. VR-LA, does that end your turn?

[NOIR]
Well, the whole ten-foot thing didn't work out as much as I wanted to. So let's see however far he got. That was 15 feet? Yeah, he'll do the 15 feet and just kind of go back.

[AUSTIN]
Cool. He's going to make an attack of opportunity against you.

[NOIR]
It is??

[RED]
But he wasn't that close!

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, he just walked out of his range!

[SOPHIA]
He has a ten-foot range.

[NOIR]
Oh geez. Oh, he does have a— Okay, fine. Okay.

[AUSTIN]
I would say— no, no, no. I'd say you'd know he has a ten-foot range at this point, so if you don't want to incur that.

[NOIR]
I do not want to do that, so I will not do that. I will stay where I am and hold my ground.

[AUSTIN]
This guy is going to take a legendary action to make a bite at advantage against Finbar. (dice thonks) It's a dirty 20 to hit.

[WALLY]
Yeah, that hits.

[AUSTIN]
That's 13 plus something. Plus three? I rolled really low on this one, it's only 16 piercing damage.

[WALLY]
16. Okay. Alright, I'm getting pretty low here. Here we go.

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead and make a concentration check again, please.

[WALLY]
Natural 17.

[AUSTIN]
Cool. It stays up. Kyana, you are restrained, but you have advantage because of the Faerie Fire that just will not go down. If you'd like to make some attacks, do them straight now.

[RED]
Sorry, I just accidentally moved. That was not intentional.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, I was gonna say you can't move.

[RED]
I have a question: how does breaking out of a grapple work?

[AUSTIN]
You can use your action to make an athletics check, which is a kind of strength check. Which for you, means you can use your wisdom to bust out of them.

[RED]
Just a second... Yeah, I think... And then I go back to attacking with advantage?

[AUSTIN]
You would, yes.

[WALLY]
Straight. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, if you break it. Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, you have to break it, and then I don't think you can punch if you didn't use your action to attack. So it's definitely not an easy— getting out of grapples is a huge cost, action economy wise.

[RED]
God, that's annoying.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, it's part of the design that makes them hard to—

[RED]
Arrgh! Alright.

[AUSTIN]
Instead you can punch! You'll be punching straight. And I'm gonna remind you, you also have stunning strike.

[RED]
That is true...

[AUSTIN]
It costs a ki point, so it's a gamble, but.

[RED]
I have one ki point left. I can either do stunning strike, or I can hit him four times in one turn. Or try to.

[AUSTIN]
Tough choices.

[RED]
I know! I am going to take an attack action. 25 to hit.

[AUSTIN]
That'll hit.

[RED]
Four force damage, eight points force damage. Okay, second attack. Same result. That's a nine, so that's gonna miss.

[AUSTIN]
Total of nine? Damn.

[RED]
(sighs) I might really need that ki point. I'm just gonna do the bonus action to attack... once? Once is no ki point?

[AUSTIN]
Okay. Once is no ki point.

[RED]
Rrgh. Oh my god. Well, that's a natural 20.

[SOPHIA]
Woo!

[NOIR]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
There you go!

[RED]
Fucking finally. Okay, d6 plus ten.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, d6 plus ten.

[RED]
I can't add flavor to this to, like, break off the tentacle I'm in, right?

[AUSTIN]
No, it doesn't work that way. Flavor wise though, it's gonna be dope, so go ahead and punch.

[RED]
Well, 12 points of force damage.

[AUSTIN]
That's really good.

[RED]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
Boom! Boom, boom, boom! Multiple attacks come through, and then you rear back and both fists at once, (bam!), right into the side of the face as it goes down to chomp again on Finbar, preventing it. It is going to use a legendary action to become invisible, which does not benefit, but it will if he ends up losing concentration. So that's his second legendary action.

[RED]
While we're actively grappled by him, does it actually help him to turn invisible?

[AUSTIN]
It does if he breaks the concentration on Faerie Fire, which he doesn't realize is up because he's blind.

[RED]
But we're still grappled!

 
[AUSTIN]
Again, you know where he is. It's the difference between invisible and hidden. Hidden creatures, you don't know where they are; invisible, Predator-style, you can tell where they are unless they attempt to hide.

[RED]
Gotcha.

[AUSTIN]
It's much easier for them to hide because they're invisible. Yeah, it's their Predator-style camouflage, so it's still hard to fight against them.

Dani, you're up. You've got a turn with no death saves. You are grappled by this tentacle. This guy is point blank. What are you gonna do?

[SOPHIA]
I have a number of dumb ideas, but they are very— so, point of order question. Are we grappled or restrained, specifically?

[AUSTIN]
Both.

[SOPHIA]
Okay.

[NOIR]
Chicken cannon to the rescue.

[SOPHIA]
I think I can break the grapple on either Kyana or Finbar. You're just gonna have to tank some damage to deal with that.

[AUSTIN]
Interesting.

[RED]
Buddy? Buddy??

[NOIR]
(laughs)

 
[AUSTIN]
Neither of them are really in tanking mode right now.

[RED]
No, no. I'm above the two-thirds mark, and I'm not a tank, still.

[SOPHIA]
Okay, here's what I'm thinking.

[RED]
Uh-huh.

[SOPHIA]
In the description—

[AUSTIN]
Has VR-LA even been hit?

[SOPHIA]
In the description for grappled, the condition ends if an effect removes the grappled creature from the reach of the grappler, such as when they're hurled away by the Thunderwave spell.

[RED]
(inhales sharply)

[AUSTIN]
Correct, yes. That would technically push the creature out of the grapple, dealing damage and freeing them.

[SOPHIA]
So I think what Dani's gonna do, because it feels right…

[WALLY]
Fuck it, do it. Do it.

[RED]
Oh, god.

[NOIR]
Just do it to yourself, man! Just do it to yourself!

[WALLY]
Finbar sees the look in your eye.

(laughter)

[SOPHIA]
Dani's tangled up. She's like—

[WALLY]
He accepts his fate.

[SOPHIA]
There's no way I can get myself out—

[RED]
Bracing for impact, captain.

[SOPHIA]
—but I think I can get someone else out. And I think knowledge of party comp tells me that Finbar could probably take the damage better than Kyana can. So I'm going to...

[NOIR]
Oh, geez.

[AUSTIN]
Finbar's definitely the toughest of any of you.

[RED]
But that doesn't mean he's the toughest *right now*.

[AUSTIN]
When he's at full; he might not be the best right now.

[RED]
Yeah, like, y'know, on a hypothetical numerical scale...

[WALLY]
It's a strength save?

 
[SOPHIA]
It's a CON save, that's the thing—

[RED]
Yeah okay, he's got the Faerie Fire going.

[AUSTIN]
He's keeping the spell that's saving your asses up, also.

[RED]
Look, if you have to pick, you can KO me for a little while. I've got potions on me.

[SOPHIA]
Dani's gonna turn to look at Finbar, turn to look at Kyana, do the mental math. Finbar's got the concentration check, look back at Kyana.

[RED]
Here it comes!

[SOPHIA]
"Hey, remember how area of effect works? Roll with it!"

[RED]
Oh, yeah. Oh yeah!

[SOPHIA]
And Dani's gonna struggle to bring her hands together and try and—

[AUSTIN]
So you're gonna attempt to... you're gonna hit the— You're going to hit the balhannoth and Kyana and attempt to push them away from each other. And I assume the balhannoth away from you.

[SOPHIA]
A 15-foot cube, centered— It grows from a direction out from me. So since Kyana is on my top side, kinda northern, I'm going to aim at northern. So it'll hit the edge of the slug man and then also Kyana.

[RED]
This is gonna be... so bad.

[SOPHIA]
And if she fails her CON save, it's a DC 15, she gets pushed ten feet away and will be out of the grapple.

[RED]
Okay!

[AUSTIN]
Cool. So Kyana, if you'd like to fail, you can fail on purpose to be pushed. It just means you'll take full damage.

[RED]
Okay, yeah. And if I don't fail, then I don't get pushed, and I still take half damage.

[AUSTIN]
Correct.

[SOPHIA]
It's 2d8 thunder damage.

[RED]
Oh, 2d8!

[AUSTIN]
Alright, so here's the thing: the balhannoth has a plus eight to this. So I'm going to go ahead and roll in front of the group.

[RED]
But regardless, we'll still get—

[AUSTIN]
1d20 plus eight. This is the one thing he's really good at.

[NOIR]
Oh, god, please. Oh, no!

[RED]
I thought so.

[AUSTIN]
He's gonna succeed. He's still gonna take half damage.
[SOPHIA]
Still gonna take half damage.

[AUSTIN]
He succeeds.

[RED]
Okay, but I can choose to fail. So I'm gonna, with monk-like sereneness, accept my fate and prepare to get yeeted into that shelf of glass.

[AUSTIN]
Accept the thunder damage.

[NOIR]
First rule, life is pain.

[RED]
Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Alright. What's the damage, Dani?

[SOPHIA]
Ten points of thunder damage if you take the full damage.

[RED]
(strangled anguish)

[AUSTIN]
Alright. Okay, that's not so bad.

[SOPHIA]
I could've rolled a lot worse or better.

[RED]
Oof, ouch, ow. Yep. I'm not unconscious, and that's all I need.

[AUSTIN]
You move how far back? Ten feet?

 
[RED]
Ten feet? Yeet me, captain.

[SOPHIA]
Yep, ten feet back, which puts you out of range of the creature.

[AUSTIN]
Correct, you're not slammed into a wall or anything. So you don't take any additional damage from that. You just get thrown backwards, monk-like land on your feet, and this creature recoils as its tentacle's again free.

[SOPHIA]
Please stay up, please stay up, please stay up!

[SOPHIA]
That's my turn.

[RED]
I'm trying!

[AUSTIN]
Lair action. It is going to... Kyana— (sighs) it wants to eat those two.

[RED]
Swear to god. Swear to God.

[AUSTIN]
It doesn't like the thing that just did it with fire, so.

[NOIR]
Oh.

[RED]
No, no.

[AUSTIN]
Could I get a WIS save from VR-LA, please?

[SOPHIA]
Come on, VR-LA.

[NOIR]
Yeah. (cries out despairingly)

[RED]
Is that good?

[NOIR]
No, so that's nine plus five is 14. I'm gonna use my inspiration for this.

[WALLY]
Yes. Yes, please do.

[AUSTIN]
Okay.

[SOPHIA]
Come on, VR-LA!

[NOIR]
Okay. Nine. 14. 17?

[AUSTIN]
That will succeed. You are not teleported away.

[NOIR]
Teleported away??

[RED]
Oh my god! Teleported where??

[NOIR]
I'm glad that didn't happen, then. Okay.

[AUSTIN]
He can teleport you somewhere. Fin!

[NOIR]
Alright, that's my inspiration gone.

[AUSTIN]
Fin, you are up.
[WALLY]
Okay! Cool.

[NOIR]
You served me well, Madonna reference.

[WALLY]
I'm gonna hit it. I'm gonna... I'm gonna hit it.

[RED]
Okay! Yes, do it.

[AUSTIN]
We stan in this household.

[WALLY]
Sickle comes out. (metallic unsheathing) It's wreathed in flame from my Absorb Elements.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, hell yes.

[WALLY]
Smack.

[AUSTIN]
Roll straight, roll straight.

[WALLY]
(dice clatters) Okay, 19.

[AUSTIN]
El Kabong!

[WALLY]
I wish it was a 20.

[AUSTIN]
That'll hit, though.

 
[WALLY]
Yeah. So that's a d4. 2d6. Okay. (dice clatters) That's max on the weapon damage, so nine... (dice clatters)

[AUSTIN]
Sweet.

[WALLY]
Plus seven fire. 16.

[AUSTIN]
16 damage, not bad. (boom!) You see his one arm that's holding the sickle seems to swell with impossible strength as the Fomorian Gauntlet imbues him with power. And he slashes, flames burst from the wound as his Absorb Elements detonates inside the creature. (balhannoth squeals in pain)

[RED]
Gross.

[NOIR]
How's this guy looking, by the way?

[AUSTIN]
Anything else?

[WALLY]
Make a strength save.

[AUSTIN]
Strength save, ooh. He's definitely below half, you guys have been slowly putting in a lot of damage to him, death by a thousand cuts. Strength saving throw. He's okay at these. 14?

[SOPHIA]
Unfortunately, he has not been skipping leg day.

[WALLY]
14 total?

[AUSTIN]
He has no legs. 14 total.
[WALLY]
Oh, that's a fail.

[RED]
Yes!

[SOPHIA]
Woo!

[AUSTIN]
Cool. What's up?

[WALLY]
So my pixies come out, my swarm comes out. And I can move the target.

[AUSTIN]
Alright. Where do you want him?

[WALLY]
Okay. I don't have a lot of options.

[AUSTIN]
You can't lift him up and drop him. But you can move him 15 feet somewhere.

[WALLY]
It says horizontally.

[AUSTIN]
It has to be horizontal.

[RED]
This doesn't break the grapple on you, does it?

[AUSTIN]
It's going to.

[RED]
(gasps) Yes!

 
[AUSTIN]
It's forced movement, it's gonna break both of them away.

[RED]
Well, we had an option that wasn't hitting me with a Thunderwave? (laughs)

[NOIR]
Straight into Kyana! No.

[SOPHIA]
Hey! My option also worked.

[AUSTIN]
You see—

[RED]
It did, it did! It was great.

[AUSTIN]
Angry Tinker Bell–style, more pixies than you've seen yet flood out of his robes and grab this thing. Two grab it by the teeth and lift up its jaw a little bit, others grab on to Dani and Finbar, and the rest grab and just shove this thing, propelled from the force of your Fomorian Gauntlet. It slides backwards. Okay, so here's the good news: you have broken the restrained on yourselves, which means that it cannot use its final legendary action to bite any of you.

[WALLY]
Oh, wait.

[AUSTIN]
It also means that none of the upcoming attacks— What's up?

[WALLY]
I still have a bonus action.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, okay. Go ahead and do that.

[WALLY]
Cool. this thing is clearly gonna come for Dani.
[AUSTIN]
That was all one action?

[WALLY]
Yeah. yeah, I hit with an attack, the Absorb Elements comes off, my swarm hits, and now I have a bonus action.

Fucking hell, who's low? I'm gonna give Dani some padding.

[RED]
Yeah, I think Dani's single digits right now, so.

[SOPHIA]
Eight, baby!

[WALLY]
Yeah. So take a 1st-level Healing Word. Because I have a feeling Kyana's going down.

[RED]
Hey, we don't know that for sure.

(laughter)

[RED]
It could pick any target that's within arm's reach!

[WALLY]
11 to Dani.

[SOPHIA]
Aww, thank you, Finbar.

[AUSTIN]
That's huge.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Very big on a Cure Wounds. The magical moonlight again soothes your wounds.
[SOPHIA]
(sings angelically)

[WALLY]
Okay. There, that's my turn.

[AUSTIN]
Cool. So the balhannoth, as I said, cannot use its final legendary action to bite any of you. Which is good, because that's the one that does 4d10 plus seven. The bad news is it will use its final legendary action to teleport.

[NOIR]
Aah! Aah!

[RED]
(sighs frustratingly)

[AUSTIN]
And it is now its turn.

[RED]
No!

[AUSTIN]
So, it's going to go ahead and make four attacks. First one on VR-LA.

[SOPHIA]
Come on, VR-LA, stay up! Stay up, buddy.

[AUSTIN]
That's a 15 to hit, VR-LA?

[NOIR]
Yeah. So, I will use my reaction to cast Shield, which would fail.

[RED]
Yes!

[SOPHIA]
I have a sense there'll be a lot of that going around.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. (boom!) Tentacle misses. Second attack on VR-LA. That's a 21 to hit VR-LA.

[NOIR]
Oh, boo. Oh, yeah, that hits, that one hits.

[SOPHIA]
Aah!

[RED]
Aah! No.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. (dice rolls) Whoops, reroll that. Max damage. 15 points of bludgeoning damage to VR-LA.

[NOIR]
Oof! Yeah.

[RED]
Oh, buddy.

[WALLY]
Oh, holy.

[AUSTIN]
And you were restrained.

[NOIR]
Oh. And I'm restrained. Okay, sure.

[WALLY]
Oh, no. Alright.

[AUSTIN]
Next attack comes to Finbar.

[WALLY]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
Straight roll. That's a... 14 is gonna miss.

[WALLY]
That's a miss.

[AUSTIN]
And finally on Dani. Here we go. (dice thonks) That's a natural 20.

[NOIR]
Oh!

[RED]
Oh my god.

[SOPHIA]
(strangled laugh) Even if I cast Shield to bring my AC up to 20, it's not gonna—

[NOIR]
Wait, Dani's up, right?

[SOPHIA]
It's not gonna do anything.

[AUSTIN]
No. It's a 27 total.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah. No, that's.

[NOIR]
Dani's not unconscious or anything, right?

[AUSTIN]
Here we go. This is 2d6 plus 12 plus three. (dice rolls)

[SOPHIA]
No, she's up.

[AUSTIN]
Six plus 12 is 18, plus three is 21 points of bludgeoning damage.
[SOPHIA]
I had 19 hit points and Dani is back down.

[RED]
Oh, and you just healed her back!

[NOIR]
This is good in the long term.

[RED]
Oh??

[AUSTIN]
I want you guys to know, the fact that it keeps having to use so many tentacle attacks to grab you guys is good, because instead of making four tentacles, it can do two tentacles and a bite, which is way harder. But because you guys keep managing to stay out of its grasp, it keeps having to make more tentacle attacks.

[SOPHIA]
Avenge me!

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. VR-LA, the tentacle wraps around you and pulls you in. Another one swings for Finbar, but he's strong enough to repel it off with his arm. The last one goes for Dani, and just perfectly on the side of the head, takes her down and wraps around her waist and lifts her up horizontally.

[RED]
No!

[AUSTIN]
It is your turn, VR-LA. What will you do?

[NOIR]
VR-LA has no effects that could separate us, like what Dani and Kyana have been doing. Or Finbar, even.

[RED]
Yeah, I didn't really do anything on that. I just got hit.

[NOIR]
True. Kyana has the ability to serenely take hits.

[RED]
Yeah. (laughs) Part of my training.

[WALLY]
(laughs)

[RED]
Let's not unpack that too much.

[NOIR]
VR-LA is extremely low, but he will cast his last 3rd-level spell, Vampiric Touch.

[WALLY]
There we go.

[AUSTIN]
Do it.

[NOIR]
So he's basically just gonna clock the thing.

[AUSTIN]
That's an attack roll?

[NOIR]
Yeah. Melee spell attack.

[AUSTIN]
That is rolled straight. Disadvantage because you're restrained and advantage because of Faerie Fire. So, go ahead and roll straight.

[RED]
It's literally touching you. Like, part of it should be easy to hit.

 
[AUSTIN]
I know. There's actually— Red, you've played older editions. There was different kinds of— and I haven't. There's different kinds of AC, weren't there? There was reflex, which is like... There was a touch AC and there was an attack AC.

[RED]
There was a touch AC.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. So, it used to be a lot easier to just touch someone and cast Vampiric Touch than it was to slash them with a sword, but.

[RED]
Also, all I know about 3.5's grappling rules is that they were a morass of complexity that nobody dealt with if they could help it. So, Y'know.

[AUSTIN]
Fantastic. Yeah, it's a lot easier now. What did you roll, VR-LA?

[RED]
Oh, yeah, "easy". That's what this fight's been.

[NOIR]
(sadly) Nine.

[RED]
Nine!

[AUSTIN]
Oh, dude, I'm so sorry.

[NOIR]
It's okay.

[AUSTIN]
It's concentration, so it's still up, right? Is that how this spell works?

[NOIR]
Oh yeah, that is. Yeah, that's true.

 
[AUSTIN]
Yeah, yeah. So as long as you keep concentration, you can try again on your next turn.

[NOIR]
That's a big ask, but okay.

[AUSTIN]
Well, we'll see. Kyana, your turn.

[RED]
Yes. Good. Alright, close the distance. I'm going to do as much damage as I can to this thing from ten feet away.

[WALLY]
There we go.

[RED]
Alright. So... I'm not grappled. I have advantage again! Unarmed strike number one! Haah!

[AUSTIN]
Correct. Dirty 20 to hit.

[WALLY]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
Yes. How many attacks are you gonna do? However many attacks, roll them all, and then roll damage.

[RED]
Oh, okay.
[AUSTIN]
Speed things up a little bit.

[RED]
I'm gonna burn the ki point to do two more unarmed attacks.

[AUSTIN]
So that's one hit. Go ahead, roll three more times at advantage to see how many more times you're gonna hit.
[RED]
Okay. Oh, okay. 26, because I rolled a 19.

[AUSTIN]
That'll hit.

[RED]
I wish you could crit on ranges like you could in 3.5. Eugh, 16?

[AUSTIN]
16 total will miss. That's two hits and a miss.

[RED]
Okay. (dice clatters) Final attack. Come on, baby. Oh, fuck!

[AUSTIN]
Two chips and a miss.

[RED]
I'm gonna take a picture of the natural 20 and the natural one I just rolled.

[AUSTIN]
Haha! We love to see it. Go ahead. Go ahead and roll it the way that you're gonna do it, but total that's— just for the audience to know— that's going to be 3d6 plus... four, eight, 12, plus six, 18. 3d6 plus 18 is going to be, I believe, the total, if I'm doing that math right.

[RED]
It's plus four, and then plus six for the crit...

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, so a d6 plus four, a d6 plus four, and then a d6 plus six plus four.

[RED]
A d6 plus ten. Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, a d6 plus ten. Yeah.

 
[RED]
Yeah, so 3d6 plus 18?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, 3d6 plus 18.

[RED]
(heeh!) Oh my god, okay. I rolled an eight on 3d6, so 26 damage total. Force damage.

[AUSTIN]
26 is not bad. Force damage. Pow pow pow pow! You come in. Oh, this thing is looking fucked. Things are starting to get desperate, though.

[RED]
I hope so!

[AUSTIN]
Things are starting to get desperate.

[NOIR]
Starting to??

[AUSTIN]
You come in with your arms: crack, crack! A full tooth comes flying off. Under that barrage, instead of taking a... what do you call it to... bite! It is going to take a legendary action to teleport, to try and get away.

[RED]
Goddammit!

[AUSTIN]
It's trying to get away from Kyana.

[RED]
Ahahah, yeah! Get outta here!

[AUSTIN]
I mean, you scared it enough to move. If you hadn't have crit on there, it was probably gonna chomp, and it was gonna kill someone.

 
[SOPHIA]
You can say it was gonna kill Dani.

[RED]
Oh, god. No! It was just gonna do a lot of damage to someone and make them unconscious until they made death saves.

[AUSTIN]
You're correct, yes. Except for Dani, who is already unconscious and would have suffered two death saves.

[RED]
Dammit!

[AUSTIN]
It's gonna teleport just down over here.

[RED]
Alright.

[AUSTIN]
And it's gonna take the two...

[RED]
It's gonna take the squad with him, I see. I see how it goes.

[SOPHIA]
Gang's all here.

[AUSTIN]
Just the two who are grappled. Cool.

[RED]
Oh, goody.

[AUSTIN]
That's it's legendary action. Dani. Unconscious. Please make a death save.

[SOPHIA]
Yes. Yes yes yes.

[RED]
And please roll well.

[SOPHIA]
Natural 12.

[AUSTIN]
Okay. I thought you were gonna say natural 20.

[WALLY]
Yeah, I heard a "natural twe-huuh".

[AUSTIN]
Yep, exactly. Me, too. Cool. You hold on, bleeding out, consciousness fading in and out for you. Finbar.

[WALLY]
Alright, let's close the gap on this son of a bitch.

[SOPHIA]
Finish. Him. Off.

[RED]
Yes, please.

[WALLY]
Alright, let's see what we can do. Okay.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, I'm sorry, hold on. Real quick, Finbar. Real quick, we got two things to do.

[WALLY]
Lair action?
[AUSTIN]
First is that we're gonna do a lair action, which— it just teleported, so... Finbar, make a wisdom saving throw.

[WALLY]
Okay.

 
[AUSTIN]
This is to see if it becomes invisible to you, which it can't because of Faerie Fire, but.

[WALLY]
16.

[AUSTIN]
That just saves. Cool. Now it's gonna do its legendary action after Dani's turn. It will take a bite at advantage on Dani.

[RED]
No!

[AUSTIN]
Oh, holy crap, I rolled two sixes. Hold on.

[RED]
Oh!

[AUSTIN]
Wait, does a 13 hit Dani?

[SOPHIA]
No! (laughs)

[RED]
Yeah!

[NOIR]
Woo!

[AUSTIN]
Even at advantage, because you're unconscious, it lifts up. And with your last remnants of strength, you reach out a scalding hand and burn its tongue. It rears back a little bit and snaps, but isn't able to bite.

[SOPHIA]
No, no, no. Dani's on the fringe of consciousness, but she's still about it. She reaches out with a last burning middle finger.

 
[RED]
Middle finger, yep, yep. Yep.

[AUSTIN]
Damn, that was going to be two death saves. Okay. Fin, your turn.

[RED]
Buddy. Buddy!

[WALLY]
Alright. I'm gonna say, "I'm not done with you yet!" As I move towards the center of the room next to this table, that's 30 feet. Once again, from the Gauntlet, a vine shoots out as I cast Thorn Whip at advantage.

[AUSTIN]
Okay.

[SOPHIA]
Fuck him up!

[RED]
Come on buddy, come on buddy.

[WALLY]
19.

[RED]
Yes!

[WALLY]
That's 2d6.

[AUSTIN]
19 will hit.

[WALLY]
(dice clatters) Wow. That's. It's minimum damage. Two.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, that's rough.

 
[WALLY]
Ten feet closer to me, though.

[AUSTIN]
Okay.

[RED]
Does that break the grapple on any of them, or?

[AUSTIN]
Not quite, because he's still within ten feet of all of them. He's got a 10-foot reach with those.

[WALLY]
Cool. Make me a strength save.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, here we go. I'm gonna do his strength save. He's got a plus three, so I'm gonna do this in the chat again because if he...

[RED]
Let's do it.

[SOPHIA]
Come on, buddy.

[AUSTIN]
...Plus three. Nine.

[RED]
Nine!

[WALLY]
That's a fail. 15 feet closer to me.

[RED]
Yes!

[AUSTIN]
Five, 10, 15 breaks the grapple with both of them successfully. The pixies again—

[SOPHIA]
Yes, Finbar!

[AUSTIN]
—a whirl of green and blue and red lights grab and yank this thing. It squeals. You've never seen your pixies do this much work, man.

(laughter)

[WALLY]
Ahh, fuck. If this thing hits me, I'm probably gonna go down. So I'm gonna use my last 2nd-level spell slot. This is it, I'm all out.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, boy.

[RED]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
Who are you gonna heal?

[WALLY]
Let's heal... Let's keep Dani up. I'm not gonna risk it. I'm not gonna risk it.

[RED]
Okay. Alright.

[SOPHIA]
Thank you.

[WALLY]
That is a four, a four and a three. 11...

[AUSTIN]
Plus your wisdom.

[WALLY]
And four. So 15.

 
[SOPHIA]
Thank you.

[AUSTIN]
Dani again back in the fight.

[RED]
I have a question.

[AUSTIN]
Yes.

[RED]
Fortunately, the critter is now within 50 feet of me again. I really want it to try and come after me instead of Finbar. Is there a thing I think I can yell into its head to make it pay attention to me, instead of the thing he's point blank on?

[AUSTIN]
Oh, goodness. Hmm. This is tough. It's not very smart.

[RED]
Something insulting about its mother, perhaps?

[AUSTIN]
Go ahead, whatever you might want to say about it, say. And then I'll let you know if I think there's a chance it might react.

[RED]
God. What's the first thing I would think?

[AUSTIN]
It's a good thought. I'm gonna tell you, it's a long shot, but. Go ahead, give it a shot.

[RED]
I know, oh, god. It sounds kinda terrible: first thing I can think is probably gonna be like, "Who do you think you actually need to kill in here??" And it knows where my brain is.

[AUSTIN]
That's true.
[RED]
Come at me, bitch. Come at me. Come on.

[AUSTIN]
Roll me a DC 20 intimidation check.

[RED]
Intimidation, really? Alright.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. It's a huge long shot, just to just to get—

[RED]
I need to roll a 19. It's not gonna happen.

[SOPHIA]
Come on Kyana, we believe in you!

[RED]
Aww! It was almost a 20. Instead, it's a two.

[SOPHIA]
Aww.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, I'm sorry.

[RED]
Fortunately, nobody saw that.

[AUSTIN]
Nothing comes from its brain.

[RED]
Boo. Weak sauce.

[AUSTIN]
Okay, yeah. Where does it... where does it want to go?

[RED]
Alright, next time I just punch it, then.

[AUSTIN]
You guys are literally so close to taking this guy down. He's got four attacks. He's going to...

[RED]
No.

[SOPHIA]
Sir.

[AUSTIN]
Does he— okay. He can scoop up a lot of people, so let's see what he can do. First attack on Finbar.

[WALLY]
Do it.

[RED]
No...

[SOPHIA]
No, Finbar!

[AUSTIN]
That's a 16 plus seven, is a 23.

[WALLY]
That's gonna hit.

[NOIR]
Geez!

[AUSTIN]
That's 2d6 plus three.

[RED]
No...

[AUSTIN]
That's seven points of bludgeoning damage.

 
[WALLY]
Okay, I'm still up.

[AUSTIN]
You still up? Jesus Christ.

[RED]
Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[WALLY]
Let me roll the concentration check. There it is. (dice clatters) It's still up.

[AUSTIN]
Jesus Christ.

[WALLY]
15.

[AUSTIN]
You watch, this tentacle comes in,slams into Finbar's shoulder, takes him down to nearly one knee, but he stands up. All this time, all of this damage just tanking this guy. A squishier person would have gone down, but you are jötunnkin. Giant blood. Not so easy to take you down. It'll move back and take an attack against Dani.

[SOPHIA]
Bring it, fucker.

[AUSTIN]
That's a seven plus seven is 14.

[SOPHIA]
That doesn't hit!

[RED]
Hoh! Hey!

[AUSTIN]
It'll use its final attack to make an attack at advantage against Finbar.

[WALLY]
Okay, I'm gonna go down. This is it.

[AUSTIN]
This is the bite. Here we go.

[RED]
Nuh-uh.

[AUSTIN]
You know what? Okay. Finbar, what's your AC?

[WALLY]
18.

[AUSTIN]
18. So, he needs to roll an 11 at advantage. I'm gonna go ahead and roll two d20 in the chat. If either of these are 11, he's gonna hit.

[NOIR]
Geez. Why you gotta do this to us, man?

[SOPHIA]
Oh, shit.

[RED]
Aah! Oh, shit! No!

[AUSTIN]
That's. Yep. Two 19s.

[NOIR]
What! Are you kidding me??

[RED]
The RNG's busted and we all know it! Two 19s??

[WALLY]
Whoo!

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. I think Finbar is going down at 4d10 plus seven. Yeah.
[WALLY]
I'm down. I'm down.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, no. Oh no, Finbar!

[AUSTIN]
Ten, 20-something. Finbar goes into the mouth, and it slowly begins to drag him in. But that is the whole turn.

[RED]
No!

[NOIR]
Why you gotta kick him while he's down, man? It's enough for him to have got to him, now you gotta eat him too?

[RED]
Okay, VR-LA. You know what you must do:

[AUSTIN]
VR-LA.

[NOIR]
Oh, god.

[RED]
As much damage as possible!

[NOIR]
Do I wanna? Do I have to?

[AUSTIN]
What do you got?

[NOIR]
Well, I guess he's already down. But— no! It's gonna be extra damage on Finbar, I can't do Insect Swarm. I can't do that!

[RED]
Don't— no! I don't mean do Insect Swarm, I mean do anything that does a lot of damage.
[NOIR]
Yeah, that's Insect Swarm!

[SOPHIA]
Point of order two: That means that Faerie Fire is gonna drop, doesn't it?

[WALLY]
Yep, Faerie Fire drops.

[AUSTIN]
Faerie Fire does drop. But it attacked, so its invisibility left. So it's not currently invisible.

[RED]
Haha. Good.

[NOIR]
If it was invisible, can we just see the floating body of Finbar being digested?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, it's a whole thing.

[RED]
We don't know yet.

[AUSTIN]
That too. But it's not invisible.

[NOIR]
Oh, geez. Okay. Oh, man. Okay.

[AUSTIN]
What do you got, my friend?

[NOIR]
I don't have many... What is it? I don't have any spells, first of all.

[AUSTIN]
He's bad at DEX saves, you know.

[RED]
Wait— Oh, Vampiric Touch dropped, didn't it?

[NOIR]
No, no, no.

[WALLY]
No, he still got it up.

[AUSTIN]
Wait, no. That would've been a concentration check on you.

[NOIR]
Oh, shit. Yes, okay.

[AUSTIN]
Because you got the one hit. So go ahead, I believe it was a DC ten. So go ahead and just roll me a concentration check, DC ten.

[NOIR]
Yep. Natural 16.

[WALLY]
Nice.

[SOPHIA]
Nice, nice.

[AUSTIN]
Cool! Vampiric Touch is still up, if that's how you wanna use your action.

[NOIR]
Well, I do, but that requires me to get within melee range, which I'm not too jazzed about.

[RED]
It's mobile enough, it could close anyway.

[AUSTIN]
That's true.

[SOPHIA]
Got any healing to get Finbar up?

[AUSTIN]
There's no advantage, but—

[WALLY]
Just throw damage on this thing. It *cannot* be up for any much longer than that.

[AUSTIN]
What is the damage on... What do you call it... That spell you just said?

[RED]
Vampiric Touch?

[NOIR]
3d6. But I haven't hit it yet.

[AUSTIN]
How much damage does this guy have left?

[RED]
But you have advan— Oh no, because Faerie Fire. But you can still see it, so!

[NOIR]
Yeah. Yeah.

[AUSTIN]
I'll tell you right now. I'm gonna write it down. You could kill this guy, if Vampiric Touch hits and you roll high enough.

[SOPHIA]
Come on, VR-LA.

[RED]
That's not an encouraging statement about how much hit points this thing has left.

 
[AUSTIN]
Before you do anything, I'm gonna write it down. I'm gonna write it down.

[NOIR]
If I hit it...

[WALLY]
Come on, VR-LA.

[NOIR]
And that means if I crit.

[SOPHIA]
Send all of your energy to VR-LA.

[NOIR]
Aww, geez. I don't even know what thing to— Alright. I guess i'll just—

[WALLY]
VR-LA. VR-LA.

[RED]
Charging the spirit bomb. Come on, buddy. Come on, buddy.

[NOIR]
Yeah, I'll do that. I'll succumb to peer pressure and I'll do that.

(laughter)

[AUSTIN]
Okay.

[NOIR]
Oh, buddy. Yeah, it's 13. I don't think that did it.

[AUSTIN]
13 does not hit, I'm sorry.

[NOIR]
Yeah. That's okay. That was my movement, that was my action.

[NOIR]
As a bonus action, can I— It's a bonus action to down a potion of healing to yourself, right?

[SOPHIA]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah. It is not a bonus action to feed it to someone else, especially when they're in the mouth of a big creature.

[NOIR]
Yes. Yes, yes, yes, I know.

[WALLY]
Excuse me, sir!

[RED]
Okay.

[NOIR]
I'll do that. Just preparing for what's to come. (laughs weakly)

[RED]
Alright. Dani, I know you can do a lot of damage all at once. So, here's what I'm gonna do.

[AUSTIN]
Kyana, your turn.

[RED]
Five, ten, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40. I'm going to grab Finbar, and I'm going to pull as hard as I can.

[AUSTIN]
Oh my god, do it. Okay. Wait. I'm gonna tell you right now: to escape, you need to hit— Now, question: do you have proficiency in athletics?

[RED]
Proficiency? Well, we've got to remember, I've got my Astral Self up. I can use wisdom.
[AUSTIN]
You do. So you get to use wisdom, instead of strength. You are not proficient in it. Okay. So you're gonna go ahead and add your wisdom, which is plus four. The DC is 15. If you can roll a 11 or higher...

[RED]
Why couldn't it be acrobatics instead?

[AUSTIN]
If you roll an 11 or higher, Finbar is free, and you can drag him at half your speed with your bonus action dash to get him out of there.

[RED]
I'm trying. If I fuck up, can I try to use my bonus action to do the same thing? Maybe?

[AUSTIN]
No, it's an action.

[RED]
Dammit! So my bonus action would have to be something else. Heeh! Oh my god, 11!

[AUSTIN]
You can use your bonus action to dodge. 11 is exactly what you need!

[RED]
Yes. (exhales in relief) Okay!

[AUSTIN]
You jump up, feet on the teeth of this thing, grab Finbar, and as delicately as you can, you put your flesh arms on his body, and the astral arms grab the top and bottom of the jaw and pry, and you pull him out.

[RED]
Reverse yeet!

[AUSTIN]
Technically, he's grappled by the tentacle, but flavor-wise, you pull him out. That's where you guys are. If you use your bonus action to dash, you'll have another 20 movement with him. If you want to dash out of there.
[RED]
Yeah, we are booking it!

[AUSTIN]
It'll get an attack of opportunity against you, because you came within range, but.

[RED]
Against me? That's...

[AUSTIN]
Yep. But not Finbar.

[RED]
That's okay. Fine. Will that happen before we book it? Okay, fine. Let's give it a shot.

[AUSTIN]
Yes, it will.

[SOPHIA]
Come on. Come on, Kyana!

[RED]
He's still out of the mouth, I don't care.

[AUSTIN]
That's a six plus seven is 13. He misses.

[RED]
Oh. Too bad, yeah. Alright, we're booking it!

[AUSTIN]
Swings wide.

[RED]
One, two, three, four, five. 20 feet. No, wait. Four. 20 feet, there we go. Finbar, I can't move you, but... Yeah. Alright.

[WALLY]
I got it, I got it. Boom!

[AUSTIN]
The creature will use his legendary action. It has nothing to eat. Bloodied, panicked, in lots of pain, it will rear around and use its legendary action to turn invisible.

[RED]
God dangit!

[AUSTIN]
You can tell it's still right there. It's just you're gonna have disadvantage if you want to hit it with something. Yeah. Dani.

[RED]
Harder to hit. Okay. I still have this number written here. What are you gonna do?

[SOPHIA]
Oh, well, you know, Dani's really had a rough time this fight, but. Y'know, when things get bad, you just gotta really explode. So I'm gonna cast Scorching Ray at the creature. Make three attacks. First one...

[AUSTIN]
Three attack rolls, all at advantage.

[SOPHIA]
All disadvantage, right? Because it's invisible?

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, disadvantage. Sorry.

[SOPHIA]
It's okay. The first one is a 23 to hit.

[AUSTIN]
At disadvantage, that'll hit!

[RED]
Oho!

[AUSTIN]
Roll damage.

[SOPHIA]
Oh, roll damage, yeah. Where my d6s at? There you are. And a d8 on this first one, because it's coming from my Arcane Firearm. (dice rolls)

[WALLY]
Uh-huh.

[RED]
Ooh!

[AUSTIN]
Okay.

[SOPHIA]
That is gonna be 12 points of fire damage.

[RED]
Okay.

[AUSTIN]
Jesus Christ. Okay.

[SOPHIA]
Second attack with the ray. (dice thonks)

[RED]
I knew we had a damage dealer in the team, I knew it!

[AUSTIN]
Early on, I told you she's your damage dealer.

[SOPHIA]
That's a dirty 20 to hit.

[NOIR]
Oh thank goodness. Come on, let's do this.

[AUSTIN]
That'll hit at disadvantage.

[RED]
Oh, buddy.
[SOPHIA]
That's seven points of fire damage.

[NOIR]
It's got to be it!

[AUSTIN]
Okay.

[SOPHIA]
And the last ray. Ohh, nice. That is a 26 to hit.

[NOIR]
Woof!

[AUSTIN]
That'll hit.

[RED]
Whoo!

[WALLY]
There we go!

[SOPHIA]
Oh, d6s, don't fuck me now! (dice rolls)

[NOIR]
I knew we kept you around for something.

[WALLY]
Yes Dani, yes Dani!

[SOPHIA]
Nine points of fire damage!

[AUSTIN]
How do you wanna do this?

(cheering)

 
[RED]
Oh my god!

[SOPHIA]
Dani is coated in blood. Coated in slug guts.

[AUSTIN]
Please tell me, how do you kill this guy?

[SOPHIA]
She whips out her multi-tool. Right, number one, very slow, steps forward, just (three shots firing off in slo-mo) All in a row.

[RED]
Die Hard finale–style. Cowboy limping out.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, exactly.

[AUSTIN]
Point blank, you see fire chunks burn and sear into this thing. It roars out. The entire thing quivers, and the color slowly seeps back into it as the invisibility fades, the fire catching and burning across its sluggish flesh. The balhannoth dies to your artificer. How's everyone doing?

[SOPHIA]
Someone give Finbar a fucking potion, please!

[RED]
Oh, y'know. "I got it, i got it!" Finbar gets one of my normal potions of healing.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, yes. Thank you. Good job, guys.

[RED]
Mark that off. I don't remember how potions of healing work.

[AUSTIN]
2d4 plus two.

 
[RED]
24 plus two?

[AUSTIN]
2d4.

[RED]
2d4, that makes *way* more sense. 2d4 plus two— I mean, y'know, it'll get him up, so. (heh!)

[SOPHIA]
Uhh, what am I standing on right now?

[RED]
Two, six... eight points total.

[WALLY]
Eight. Huge!

[AUSTIN]
You say that. And as you say that, you look down and the thing that you're standing on actually appears to fizzle away. In fact, everything in the room starts to fizzle away:

[NOIR]
Oh, no! I go to the globe. I go to the globe!
[AUSTIN]
The bookshelves, all the objects, dissolve into little motes of light. And before any of you can observe any further, you realize you're standing in a cavernous, hollowed-out rib cage.

[RED]
Oh thank goodness.

[AUSTIN]
Your feet fall into water as the floor gives way, and you drop a few inches into the water that is flooded.

[SOPHIA]
Do we see a heart? (laughs)

 
[RED]
(laughs)

[AUSTIN]
Around you, the desiccated remains of a dead god; including, where a map of the Great Wheel once stood, what you can only assume was once a heart to a god.

[RED]
Yes! Ohh, thank goodness.

[SOPHIA]
Hey, guys, it's another job well done!

[RED]
I've never been so happy to find myself in a giant, desiccated rib cage!

[WALLY]
Finbar is on his back, floating in some of this water.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, yeah.

[RED]
With eight hit points.

[WALLY]
He's like, "Oh, man. I could use a snack."

[RED]
You good, bud? Okay?

[WALLY]
Did we get it?

[SOPHIA]
Yeah!

[RED]
Yeah, we got it!

[WALLY]
Yeah?

[RED]
Dani exploded it, it was really cool.

[WALLY]
Oh, of course she did. Yeah, thatta girl, Dani!

[AUSTIN]
Good job, Dani. You earned that after that horrible, horrible— you going down so much.

[SOPHIA]
It's okay. that's the game.

[RED]
Yeah, it's awful.

[SOPHIA]
I'm gonna go grab the heart. Hey! Much like last time when we got paid anyway, despite fighting a thing, we seem to be doing okay on the gig here. All things considered.

[RED]
Y'know? Yeah. Yeah, that could have gone... slightly worse. (laughs)

[SOPHIA]
How do we get this heart out?

[RED]
Yeah, let's go pry the heart loose.

[AUSTIN]
Good question. I'm gonna say that it's definitely possible with some time, which I'm sure you guys will take.

[SOPHIA]
Mm-hmm.

[RED]
Yes.
[AUSTIN]
It's dark in here, so you get some lights going. Finbar has multiple cutting tools, specifically for taking care of, y'know—

[WALLY]
(metal unsheathing)

[AUSTIN]
—gutting things that he's killed before.

[RED]
They're going to need to be washed after this.

[AUSTIN]
This is much larger, but he is more than well-armed in this case. Yeah, congratulations, guys. That was a near-max HP balhannoth. Challenge Rating 11.

[NOIR]
Hmm.

[WALLY]
Whoo!

[SOPHIA]
Oh, boy.

[RED]
Hmm. Yeah, that tracks.

[SOPHIA]
We all lived.

[RED]
Oh, god. Whoo!

[NOIR]
Finbar doesn't have any healing capabilities. I'll go in and I'll give him my last potion of healing.

[WALLY]
"Oh. Thanks, robot. You did good. You did real good." I sort of pat him on the chest.

[NOIR]
Please do not pat me. I am close to falling apart.

[WALLY]
Oh.

[RED]
Oh, god! (laughs)

[SOPHIA]
I'll pop a Mending on VR-LA. I don't even know if Mending does anything to him.

[RED]
I only had one potion left!

[NOIR]
Just cosmetics-wise, it'll just prevent stuff from falling apart. Yeah.

[RED]
(laughs) Alright, let's pry the heart loose and get out of here before anything else jumps out at us.

[SOPHIA]
Yeah, seriously.

[WALLY]
Yes.

[RED]
Yes.

[AUSTIN]
Yeah, my headphones are nearly dead.

[WALLY]
Okay.
[RED]
Ahh. (laughs)

[AUSTIN]
It's okay, because the adventure wraps up. You guys are able to remove the heart, get it stored in Finbar's makeshift... carrying... heart tank? Freezer? Yeah, that was not an easy fight. You guys really made some tough calls there, and had some great rolls, and some not so great rolls, and persevered. Congratulations.

You return. A conspicuous walk through the streets of Sigil brings you back to the hall of the Grand Connoisseur, who thanks you profusely. You are paid the diamonds you are owed, and are free to go on your way.

You do have money to return to Uncle Oto in the City of Brass, so that should probably be your next journey. But for now, you have earned a long rest. And in fact, you have earned a level up. So go ahead and level you guys up to level six.

(cheering)

[WALLY]
Oh, things get so spicy right now. Okay.

[AUSTIN]
Congratulations. I know, yeah, multi-class at such a low level can get wackadoo.

[WALLY]
Oh, no, but this is *fun*. But this is fun.

[NOIR]
Awesome saucesome.

[AUSTIN]
Oh, man. Okay. Fantastic!

[SOPHIA]
Great.

 
[RED]
Oh, boy.

[AUSTIN]
I hope you guys enjoyed. I hope everyone who listened enjoyed.

[RED]
Yeah!

[AUSTIN]
And yeah! We'll see you next time. In the Great Wheel, back on the Astral Sea, aboard the Per Aspera.

♪(outro music)

[SOPHIA]
Hi, I'm Sophia Ricciardi, a.k.a. just Dani, and you've just finished listening to an episode of Rolling with Difficulty. I bet you've got a taste for adventure now, don't ya? Lucky for you, we'll be back next week with another fix of planehopping nonsense! If you have any questions, comments, concerns, or just want to contact the pod, feel free to e-mail us at rollwithdifficulty@gmail.com. If you enjoyed the show, please rate us and leave a review on your podcast platform of choice, and be sure to check out our socials, linked in the show notes below, for fun extras like character art, Q&A's, and more. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a cat to track down. Here, Plug Plug Plug Plug! Pspspspspspspsps.